Notes – Zillabean dared me to write a fic about Layton having a face off against Old Spice Guy from the Old Spice commercials, so here we go! Plenty of crack abound, so be warned. If you are unfamiliar with the Old Spice commercials then I'd recommend going over and watching a few on their Youtube channel, otherwise this story will not make any sense. Or, um, even less sense then it does if you are familiar with them, anyway. Also, for the sake of the story I'm going to refer to the guy from the adverts as Old Spice Guy, because that's what he calls himself in the videos.
The Professor was a very busy man who was often distracted by the various unavoidable duties that his job at the university required him to do; not to mention all the other little mysteries that had nothing to do with his work but he liked to puzzle upon regardless. All these were jobs that really needed doing in Layton's eyes. Because of this, he had less time to do many of the more mundane daily tasks, like cleaning his house or fetching the post every morning. This was something that his apprentice, Luke, understood very well and therefore the boy made no complaints about doing these jobs on Layton's behalf.
So every morning Luke went out to the letterbox to collect whatever had been left there. Amongst the usual selection of bills, Layton often received requests from people who wanted him to help them solve various mysteries all around the country. Luke was never surprised to see those sorts of letters. What he was surprised to see was a letter in a regal red envelope that had a very distinct smell to it. He wasted no time in rushing through to the study and dropping it onto Layton's desk.
"Professah, this letter smells really girly…" Luke muttered, in a way that suggested he was worried that he might get cooties just from being in the same room as it.
"Girly?" questioned Layton, picking up the letter to inspect it for himself. It didn't take long for the peculiar scent to hit his nose; "Ah, you are mistaken, my boy. The smell of this letter is very definitely that of Old Spice."
"Old Spice?" Luke asked, watching the Professor tear the letter open.
"It's an American product used by men to apparently make themselves smell more attractive to young ladies," clarified Layton.
"Egh!" Luke gagged, spitting his tongue out.
"A gentleman does not make such unrefined gestures, Luke," Layton laughed, beginning to read through the letter, "Oh my…"
"What is it, Professah?" said Luke, looking up with interest.
Shaking his head, Layton replied, "I believe that someone might be playing a prank on us. This letter claims to be from a man referring to himself as 'Old Spice Guy'. He says that he has heard of my many successes in the intellectual field, as well as… um… apparently my popularity with… the ladies. He then goes on to state that while this is impressive it does not hold a candle to his own prowess and that he wishes to challenge me in a duel of some sort to determine which of us is superior…"
"…Huh? That makes no sense," muttered Luke, frowning in a confused manner that matched the look currently on his mentor's face as well, "Does 'e mean like a sword fight or somethin'? Because you can beat anybody at that! Who does this guy think 'e is, challengin' the great Professah Layton out of the blue like that?"
"He wouldn't be the first one," came a voice from the door, as Layton's assistant Emmy walked through carrying a tray of tea, "Who is it we're talking about anyway?"
"Someone called Old Spice Guy who thinks 'e's bettah than the Professah," Luke replied.
"Old Spice Guy?" Emmy checked, freezing up where she stood.
"Yeah…?" confirmed Luke, not seeing the problem.
"Excuse me a moment!" Emmy set down the tray and dashed at an alarming speed from the room, returning a few moments later with an out of breathe Rosa follow behind her; "Tell Rosa what you've just told me, Luke."
"That Old Spice Guy 'as challenged the Professah to a duel?" said Luke, really not understanding what was going on here.
He became even more confused when both of the women squealed audibly.
"Bless my old heart! I can't believe someone like him would even have heard of our own Professor," Rosa gasped.
"Everyone 'as 'eard of the Professah!" Luke snapped, defensively, "'ow do you know who this guy is anyway?"
Rosa patted Luke on the head, replying, "There's probably not a woman alive who hasn't heard of him. He's very… popular."
"Well the Professah is very popular too-"
"Thank you, Luke, but that's enough," Layton cut in, "I'm sure that this letter is just a practical joke and nothing to get worked up over."
"What are you going to do about it?" Emmy asked, glancing at the letter, "You can't just ignore it."
"To be honest, I'm rather confused about the nature of the duel. And while there is a time and location listed I don't believe that it would be wise to attend," said Layton.
"You can't just ignore a letter from Old Spice Guy!" Emmy proclaimed, eyes widening.
"That assumes this letter came from him in the first place," countered Layton, "And even if it has I have nothing to prove to this man about myself."
"What sort of challenge is it, anyway?" Rosa checked, hands on hips.
"Something about which of us has… well, superior appeal to the ladies, I believe," Layton answered, awkwardly.
"Oh," the two women mumbled in unison, before Rosa added, "You probably shouldn't go then."
"Why not?" enquired Layton.
"Because… it's not as if you aren't a charming man, Professor," Emmy said, "But I really don't think that you could beat him in that field."
"I beg your pardon?" said Layton, trying to keep the disbelief out of his voice.
"She's right enough," Rosa confirmed, "It's not that you aren't very clever, but you just couldn't trump Old Spice Guy at his own game."
"Am I to believe that you are both saying that I don't look as… as attractive as this fellow?" checked Layton.
There was an awkward silence as they both looked for something to reply to that with.
"Um…"
"You see…"
Layton didn't let them come up with any excuses; "I don't consider myself to be a vain man. Looks are not a priority to me. However, this Old Spice Guy seems to believe that I may be good enough to challenge him and if that is the case then I see no reason not to take him up on it."
"If you say so, Professor…" murmured Emmy.
"We just don't want to see you embarrass yourself," added Rosa, who was the considerably blunter one out of the two.
"Then I'll see to it that I won't," assured Layton, "Now if you will all excuse me, I have some preparations to make."
The three guests saw themselves out of the room, ladies looking hesitantly uncertain and Luke just looking completely lost as to what was going on.
In Luke's case, at least, Layton did not get rid of him for long, however, as by the time he was leaving the house to meet the famed Old Spice Guy at the arranged location; his apprentice was following close behind.
"I think that guy won't stand a chance against you," Luke said, punching the air as if he was battling an invisible boxing opponent.
"That's… very kind of you to say," replied Layton, who was not drawing much confidence from the fact that so far the only person supporting him was someone who had no idea of what this situation was about in the first place.
"No one stands a chance against the wonderful Professor L in any competition," cut in a voice that sounded almost too much like a purr.
"Oh, hello Rosetta…" mumbled Layton, who was never all that happy to see the one student who had a particularly obsessive attraction to him. If nothing else, however, at least she would stick by him in that regard.
"Hello there yourself," Rosetta cooed, knocking a protesting Luke out of the way to walk next to Layton, "And where might you be headed off to at a time like this?"
Luke answered before Layton could, stating, "The Professah is goin' t' prove t' this man that 'e's more of a man than 'im. I think…"
"Whoever he is, I have no doubts that my dashing Professor will set him in his place," Rosetta commented, her eyes never having left Layton the whole time Luke had been talking.
"Try telling that t' Emmy and Rosa," Luke mumbled, "They seem t' think that some Old Spice Guy is a bettah man than the Professah, or somethin'…"
"The Old Spice Guy himself?" Rosetta gaped, now snapping to look at Luke with her mouth held open.
"You've 'eard of 'im? Rosa says everyone knows who 'e is, but I've never seen 'im before," Luke replied.
"You're far too young, little boy," Rosetta sneered, "But yes, every woman of a certain age knows about that… that dreamy man."
"Well the Professah is gonna fight 'im," Luke told her firmly.
"You are?" questioned Rosetta, returning her gaze to Layton.
"Well, it isn't really within my nature to be aggressive when it's avoidable, but it would also be considered rude for a gentleman to turn down a challenge," answered Layton.
"Oh. Well. Good luck with it then," said Rosetta, dismissively.
"Don't you think I'll be able to beat him?" asked Layton, genuinely surprised at her doubt.
"You're the hottest lecturer ever to set foot in London, that's for sure," Rosetta replied, as Luke made more gagging noises in response to that, "But Old Spice Guy, he's… something else. No offensive."
"None… taken," muttered Layton. Plenty of offense had, in truth, been taken. "Well, I do not wish to keep the man waiting, so we'll bid you farewell."
"Oh no! I'll be coming with you," Rosetta said, latching onto Layton's arm, "Two of the most attractive men in the world fighting over me? Now that's something I wouldn't want to miss."
"They're not fightin' over you!" Luke argued.
"Now Luke, let her believe what she wants to," Layton dismissed. He was willing to let that comment slide, seeing as Rosetta was the closest thing to moral support from a woman he'd gotten today. Even if she also felt that he was going to be defeated.
Sighing, Luke mumbled, "Very well, Professah. …Now, the letter said t' meet 'im around about 'ere, right?"
"Yes, just around this corner if we've followed the directions correctly," agreed Layton.
The three of them turned the corner to find themselves faced with a sight they hadn't expected to see. They couldn't spot the fabled Old Spice Guy himself, because blocking anything from view were hordes upon horde of women, varying in age, shape and size, all squealing very loudly and clamouring to get to the front of the circle that they'd formed.
"He must be here!" squealed Rosetta, letting go of Layton's arm in excitement.
"I'm beginnin' t' think this wasn't a set-up, Professah…" Luke said, blinking in confusion.
"As am I…" agreed Layton, who was also starting to doubt his chances.
Having lost Rosetta somewhere amongst the crowd, the two of them began trying to push their way through the masses as politely as they could manage, without much luck.
"This is all crazy!" Luke shouted, "Why are all these girls so excited? I think that we even know some of 'em. There's that 'orrible old Babette woman with the little dog, and Granny Riddleton, and even Katia! And… is that Janice?"
"Word must have gotten around," agreed Layton.
"Ladies, please, I will have time to spend with each of you when the duel is done," boomed a voice from the middle of the crowd, "But right now I need to greet my challenger and get this match of manliness started."
The crowd seemed to dispel a little as the man in question approached. Other than the fact that he was the only other male in the area - save for Don Paolo, who had secretly disguised himself as Puzzlette, but Layton wasn't to know that – it was quite plain that this man was definitely Old Spice Guy. He walked proudly and confidently, his gaze never leaving the duo, he went without a shirt, to demonstrate his well-developed muscles and his perfectly toned skin, and as he past by any women in the crowd they would let out a sigh of longing.
"My word…" Layton said quietly.
"Am I to believe that you are Professor Hershel Layton, the man whose brain is more active than that of a small nation?" checked Old Spice Guy, stopping in front of the two of them.
"That I am," answered Layton, though he wasn't so sure about the small nation part.
"Old Spice Guy has heard many great things about you, Mr. Layton," the man replied.
"Why is 'e talkin' about 'imself as if 'e's a different person to Old Spice Guy?" Luke asked.
"Shhh," mumbled Layton.
Ignoring the interruption, Old Spice Guy went on, "Well known, are your endeavours, though not quite as legendary as my own. Word of you has travelled as far as my own ears, where I in particular note that you have a reputation for helping fine young women."
"A gentleman always assists a lady in need," answered Layton.
"That is all very well and good. The age of chivalry is not dead and Old Spice Guy approves of any man who supports this by offering his talents to those who need them," said Old Spice Guy. Quietly, Layton thought that made the whole thing sound a little sexist, but he didn't bring it up, as Old Spice Guy went on with his speech; "But then, as I was carving an ice sculpture while wrestling a bear, I thought to myself – how good with the ladies is this Mr. Layton, exactly? Sure, it takes a really nice guy to help out a woman in need, but can that same guy be good enough to satisfy them and meet their demands on the same level that I do myself, just from standing in a room?"
"I… well, it's not really something I concern myself with," coughed Layton, feeling thankful that Luke hadn't questioned the authenticity of the part about the ice sculpture and the bear.
"It should be," Old Spice Guy informed, "Because a man is not a man if he cannot satisfy many women all across the world."
"I'm happy just knowing that I've helped someone, thank you very much," Layton reasoned.
"Then the challenge is already lost, my friend, for you cannot both help a woman and also fill her longings in the same way that I do," Old Spice Guy replied, "While Old Spice Guy is disappointed not to meet a challenge today, he is at the same time pleased to know that there is no risk of him losing out on all of these fine English ladies to someone else."
"I never said that I wasn't going to take you up on your challenge," corrected Layton.
"The Professah would never let a… a bragger like you beat 'im!" Luke added, "And by the way, it ain't a good idea t' not wear a shirt in London. It rains a lot 'ere."
"This weather is not even a mild inconvenience to Old Spice Guy, little fellow," Old Spice Guy informed, "For I have on many occasions tamed packs of wild dogs, which I have then used to escort me all the way to the North Pole, where I dig into the frozen earth to find rare and exotic gems, that I bring back to the fine ladies who dare not go there themselves, all while not wearing a shirt."
"You 'ave…? Cor…" Luke whispered, eyes lighting up with new-found respect.
"There are no gems buried at the North Pole," Layton said, quietly.
"There are if Old Spice Guy wills them to be," Old Spice Guy corrected.
"Then couldn't you just will 'em to be somewhere a little easier t' get to?" Luke checked.
Shaking his head, Old Spice Guy replied, "If I had done that then I would not have impressed my ladies, as I hope to do today."
"Then let us get started with your challenge," said Layton, who'd experienced rather enough small talk for the moment.
"Very well," agreed Old Spice Guy, backing up into the crowd in a challenging manner, flexing his muscles as he went, "Though the challenge is already well under way and indeed already won. For you see, these ladies all love me dearly, where you cannot even get a handful of them to feel the same way about you."
"You show 'im, Professah! …And, um, good luck with it," Luke called, backing off himself to give Layton some room. The Professor wasn't exactly egged on by how doubtful even his loyal apprentice was now sounding about his chances.
"Look at how this crowd falls to my feet while you haven't even taken your shirt off," taunted Old Spice Guy.
"My shirt? Very well then…" mumbled Layton, moving to take off his jacket, which was swiftly snatched up by Rosetta, who had appeared once again among the crowd. Apparently even her current love for Old Spice Guy wasn't enough to override her natural desire to steal items of Layton's clothing.
As he was trying to pull his shirt off, a familiar voice called, "You don't have to do this, Professor!"
He looked up to see Emmy and Rosa pushing through the crowd.
"There's no need to make a fool of yourself in front of all these people," Rosa said, as they drew level with him.
"What Rosa means to say," Emmy added, knowing how the older woman's words often came across, "Is that we're sorry to have made you feel like you had to do this to prove yourself. You're fine just the way you are, so let's give up this silly charade and go back home."
"Thank you both for your kindness," Layton said, "But a gentleman does not back out of a challenge once it has begun." He tugged his shirt off entirely now, to reveal the chest beneath it. While he was not as well developed as Old Spice Guy, the girls had to admit that Layton's shape was surprisingly well-built. Probably due to all that sword-fighting, running from falling buildings and general chasing after villains that he did in his spare time.
"That's my hunky Professor," cooed Rosetta, waving his jacket around.
"My word…" Emmy mumbled, bringing up a hand to cover her mouth.
"That is indeed quite impressive for the average man, but it does not compare to the abs of Old Spice Guy, which are spoken of in legend," said Old Spice Guy, flexing his muscles in response.
"The Professor doesn't need to have a body like yours to be a wonderful man," said a nervous Janice, shuffling over from amongst the crowd, "He has his kindness, which he has shown many of us in the past. And I- …um, sorry, and we like him because of what's on the inside."
"Too right," agreed Katia, "He's a really nice person and that's all that matters to us. Without him I could never have been reunited with my grandfather."
"And Melina would have never found peace if it wasn't for the Professor's help," continued Janice.
"I suppose that he did find my baby for me…" muttered Babette, who was still actually on Old Spice Guy's side of the debate.
"He's a nice young thing who always visits me to solve a few puzzles," commented Granny Riddleton, waggling her eyebrows in a worrying manner.
"He solved my inheritance dispute," added Lady Dahlia, who felt the need to contribute something.
"All these things are fine and good. But does he satisfy you all in a way that a real man should satisfy a woman?" asked Old Spice Guy.
"He's just what we want him to be, no more, no less," concluded Emmy, very definitely.
"And he can satisfy my needs anytime," Rosetta tagged on, just to ruin the moment.
Old Spice Guy looked around at the small selection of each very different women who had come to Layton's aid. All very certain that he was a man who they could rely on.
Then he started to laugh.
"Old Spice Guy is impressed by the loyalty of your friends, Hershel Layton," he complimented, "My aim today was not to defeat you, as you stood no chance of doing this, but for you to prove to me that you can make ladies happy in a way that means Old Spice Guy does not have to worry about leaving a few of the women in this world to be helped by you, instead of saving them all himself. And indeed the English ladies are in safe hands having you to assist them when they need help with their inheritance disputes or particularly hard riddles. I congratulate you upon winning this challenge."
"Um, thank you…?" Layton mumbled, who believed he just about understood what he meant and was now suddenly very conscious of standing amongst a huge crowd without wearing his shirt, being eyed up by Rosetta.
"May you all consider yourselves lucky to have this fine man to help you in my absence," Old Spice Guy addressed the crowd, "Now let us all go down to your local restaurant of choice, where Old Spice Guy will treat each of you to a meal from your dreams, while reciting you all a poem and defeating an inferior team at your British football single-handedly."
This was greeted by several cheers, as the crowd seemed content with whatever outcome the duel had if it meant that they got more attention from Old Spice Guy.
"Are we gonna go watch 'im do all that stuff?" Luke checked, looking up at Layton.
"Quite frankly, I'm interested to see if he can pull it off," Layton answered, nodding.
"Let's get going then, before all the best seats are gone," urged Rosa, as their group started to follow the rest of the crowd.
"And Professor," Emmy said, sounding unusually awkward for her, "You look fine just the way you are. So don't worry about that."
"Ah, well… th-thank you Emmy," he laughed, "But I rather think that I should be putting my shirt back on now. I'm sure I had it in my hands just now…"
"Don't look at me, I have my prize for the day," said Rosetta, holding Layton's jacket to her chest.
"Oh well, I'm sure it'll turn up. And if not, then I have others," Layton replied, shrugging his shoulders.
At the back of the crowd, the artist currently known as Puzzlette was stuffing Layton's shirt into 'her' bag, silently swearing that she didn't have a problem and this shirt would somehow factor into a revenge plan against Layton later on. Yes, that was it.
All in all, this had been a rather successful day for everyone involved.