Just my first crack fic story that I thought of while on the bus ride home. This is so dedicated to the Kudley Army, because they are all awesome (even if I don't know them all directly). I've read their stories and they're cool. This is specially dedicated to Revengent, because her stories are, like, awesome! Her crackfics are so awesome, they've inspired me to write this. Of course, there is major Foreman bashing, because I hate Foreman this season, so yeah, enjoy! BTW, my best friend Marissa is featured in here.
Two girls, one short and one tall, walked through the hospital of Princeton Plainsboro, looking around on that beautiful Wednesday afternoon. The birds were chirping outside, the sun was shining and it looked to be a happy day, but the two girls were on a mission, an intervention.
"Marissa, why are we doing this today of all days? It's a Wednesday! Why couldn't we have done it on a Tuesday?" the short girl asked. Marissa sighed as she clamped a hand on the girls' back.
"Because, Jess, if we want our plan to work, we have to do it a week before we want this to happen, alright? Just follow my lead!" she instructed. Jess nodded as she followed her friend up to Greg House's office. They walked in, startling the new team and House.
"Who the heck are you?" House asked. Jess smiled evilly.
"We're here to help. But first, we'll need, Chase, Cameron, Cuddy and Wilson here pronto," she said and as she snapped her fingers, nothing happened. Frowning, she kept doing it over and over until she resorted to clapping. Immediately, Chase, Cameron, Cuddy and Wilson appeared in the office. Wilson blinked and looked around.
"What's going on?" he asked suspiciously.
"How did I get here?" Cuddy wondered. Marissa smiled as evilly as Jess.
"We're here for an intervention. But first, we'll also need to bring back someone from the dead," Marissa said.
"Amber?" Wilson asked hopefully. House groaned just then as Marissa shook her head.
"Nope, try again," she said as she snapped her fingers. Unlike Jess' try, it worked. Kutner blinked as he looked around the room.
"I'm alive again? How?" he asked. Jess shrugged.
"Don't ask us, we don't know how it works, we just use the power for good. Now, sit," she said as everyone sat on chairs. The two girls remained standing at the front.
"Ok, why we're here today is to tell you some very important stuff, like who should be with who, and all that kind of stuff," Jess started.
"We're here to make things right in this show," Marissa continued. Cuddy leaned over to House.
"Show?" she whispered. House shrugged.
"As soon as we can, we'll send them upstairs for some help. These girls are crazy," he whispered back. Jess and Marissa didn't say anything while they whispered, but continued to talk after their conversation was done.
"Ok first of all, Thirteen, you are NOT supposed to be with Foreman. You are supposed to be with Kutner. Now that he's not dead anymore, you two can be together," Jess started. Foreman stood up angrily just then.
"No! Thirteen is supposed to be with ME! Aren't you honeybee?" he asked her. Thirteen just turned her head in shame, shaking it.
"I never loved you Foreman. I don't even know why we're together," she admitted. Foreman ducked down as he grabbed her hand tightly.
"We belong together, baby!" he started singing in a high pitched voice. Marissa sighed as she brought out a zap gun and zapped him. He yelped as he stood up.
"Listen here, Boreman. You're boring and nobody likes you. You should have died, so we're going to kill you now! AND NEVER INTERRUPT US WHILE WE'RE TALKING!" Marissa cackled. Foreman started to sob as he hugged Thirteen, who tried to get away.
"Please don't leave me! I love you Remy!" he sobbed. Thirteen suddenly falcon punched him for calling her Remy, sending him flying through the glass windows (because we knew that the glass in the hospital was meant to be broken eventually). Marissa got out her killing ray gun and shot him several times until he dissolved into a disgusting black pile of goo. Everyone stared at the puddle before shrugging their shoulders, not caring.
"Ew, even when he's dissolved, he's still boring," Marissa commented.
"Yep. Foreteen sucks. Anyways, Thirteen, you and Kutner have to be together. It's, like, meant to be. Taub's married, so he's off the market, and like Chase and Cameron, you two are the most logical choices for dating, plus you guys have great chemistry, so you two belong together," Jess continued. Kutner and Thirteen looked freaked out.
"Um, ok?" Thirteen said hesitantly. Kutner just grinned, reaching for her hand.
"They're right Remy. We would make a good match," Kutner commented. Unlike Foreman, she didn't mind that Kutner called her Remy and she just nodded, smiling.
"We'll talk later," she said to him, causing Marissa and Jess to sigh happily.
"One couple down, two more to go. Now for you two, Cuddy and House. Just admit your love for each other already! You guys already had sex, like, a few days ago! Just admit it to the world and get together," Jess said. House just smirked as Cuddy looked flushed.
"We can't- I mean, we shouldn't-" Cuddy started stammering before House placed a hand on Cuddy's shoulder.
"Oh relax Cuddy, you know you want me. Obviously I want you, with your giant breasts and your stubborn-ness and willingness to control me. Don't deny we had sex, hot, marvelous sex," he said. Cuddy bit her lip, looking away as she swatted his hand.
"A work in progress. We'll get back to you two. Now for Chase and Cameron, you two have to get married! Like, on Tuesday!" Marissa continued. Chase looked confused.
"We're engaged though, aren't we?" he asked.
"Well you are, but most writers hate happy endings so they were going to break you up," Jess started. Marissa smirked.
"But we…talked to them a few hours ago and they were more….willing to co-operate with your decision. So, get married," Marissa finished.
"Writers?" Cameron whispered to Chase, who shrugged.
"I have no clue. Let's just go with it. After all, they killed Foreman for us, thank god. Let's get married on Tuesday," Chase whispered back. Cameron nodded, smiling.
"Yes! I mean, yes I still have my dead husband's sperm, but I want your babies now Chase! We'll get married and have two children and name them something really cool like Havana and Savannah," Cameron said. Chase nodded as he stood up, grabbing Cameron's hand.
"Yeah, let's go plan the wedding!" he said as they skipped off together into happy wedding planning land. Jess smiled, confident.
"Well, our work here is done. By the way, Taub, you and your wife seriously need to get over your issues," Jess said. Marissa nodded as Taub just looked confused.
"Um, ok, I'll try?" he said confused. Jess smirked as she hi fived her friend.
"Ok, well that's it. Get back to your jobs, ok? And if there's no improvement, we'll be back, and it won't be as pleasant," Marissa warned, snapping her fingers as a large TV popped up and on the screen, it was them all being watched. Wilson looked around, looking for the hidden camera.
"Where's the camera?" he asked frantically. Jess smiled as she finally lost her cool. Marissa tried to stop her, but she ran, screaming, and jumped onto Wilson, hugging him (because Jess was only fifteen and it would be weird if she started kissing Wilson)
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE EXACT SAME NAME AS MY CRUSH, JAMES WILSON! YOU'RE SO CUTE AND FUN AND AWESOME AND SO SWEET, AND YOU'RE AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO MY CRUSH BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME, BUT YOU HAVE TO LIKE ME BECAUSE I CONTROL YOUR FUTURE! I'LL BE TOTALLY BACK FOR YOU LATER WHEN I'M OLDER! OK BYE! LOVE YOU!" Jess screamed before Marissa dragged her off, smiling sheepishly.
"Well, yeah, we'll be going now, sorry about that Wilson. Jess can get crazy when she hears her crush's name, and it's weird for her that you have the exact name as her crush while she really likes you as well. So, yeah, see you guys," Marissa winked before walking out, the doctors all looking at each other weirdly.
"Um, ok. We're going to go," Kutner said as he and Thirteen walked off, celebrating Kutner's rebirth and probably going to make out in a closet. Taub shrugged as he left to go see his wife and tell her about the weird day. House and Cuddy went into his private office and started making out, and Wilson just looked freaked out as the TV still loomed, floating in the room, his figure staring back at him.
"Weird," Wilson whispered as he walked around the Boreman puddle of goo to his office.
I hope you guys enjoyed my first crack fic, if anyone read it of course…. Please review, or else I'll get very sad and think that NOBODY likes my fics. Thanks guys!