1909

Susan and Gregorij

"Jeanette has got an offer to sing at the Metropolitan opera" Erik said one day to Susan when he visited her apartment to listen her most recent compositions. " I would like to accompany her. It's twentyfive years since I was in New York and I'm not likely to get another opportunity." – "America - it sounds interesting." – "I want to ask you if you would like to come with us. " – "What about mother?" – "She doesn't want to. Jeanette is not her family." – "Christine? Or Raoul?" – "No. I'm really flattered she wanted me to come. And you, if you want to." – "Of course I want to! I'm so glad you asked. I really need to get away."- "Perhaps I could make contact with my old friend Henry Proctor, if he is still alive. I'm interested in what happened to my old house."

The two sisters hadn't met for a while and spent the time on the boat talking and gossiping. "Don't you have any young man courting you?" Susan asked her sister."You who are both famous and beautiful." – "I haven't had the time. And like you said – I don't know if the men are interested in me or the famous primadonna. And you?" – "I have been in love. But it didn't last." Susan had not yet allowed herself looking at anybody else since Gregorij.

Old memories came to mind as Erik visited the Metropolitan opera again. Only a few persons from the old ensemble remained, but some still remembered mr Leroux. One evening he met his old friend, the only real friend he had made in New York, the former manager Henry Proctor. The reunion was cordial. "I guessed who the guest performer miss de Chagny was " he said. "So you have finally come back?" –"Only to accompany Jeanette. Yes you know that she is my daughter. This is Susan Leroux, my other daughter." – "Pleased to meet you." Erik asked about his house in the mountains. "It was sold a long time ago. But I know that it's for sale again. There is a road going all the way now. It is used as a theater, giving performances in the basement. Would you like to go?" – "Please, let us go" Susan said. "And I would like to compare to the real cavern" Jeanette said. "A relative of mine, Louis Malcolm, is interested in buying it" Henry said. "he's a man with great theatrical interest, a director and a playwrite. Do you play, miss Leroux?" – "Susan composes and plays the piano. Her skills equals mine nowadays." – "And you Erik, have you composed any new operas?" – "The Hunchback of Notre Dame an Columbus were my latest."

Later on Erik and Susan talked. "I had forgotten how good friends we were" Erik said. "Now we must keep in contact."- "What about the house? If Henry's relative buys the house, couldn't we stay and help? Or come back here?" – "I think I'm too old and tired for long travels like these."- "But I could. I'd like to stay in America for a while. Where nobody knows you." 'Where you could be anonymous' she thought 'and nobody knows if you are brother and sister or married.. no, don't think like that!'

The next week they went to the villa in Heny's old Ford. Before the performance they strolled around in the neighbourhood. "Much looks the same" Erik said. "Memories come back to me." They went up to the villa. "This road.. and the terrace.. I remember Elisabeth. Here we fell in love and promised to live together – for as long as it lasted. We were happy then." The theatre was located in the basement and you entered through a new entrance. Inside Erik was disappointed. The lake was gone and there was only the auditorium and the stage, but the walls were still like a cave. The play was a horror show with darkness and light and echoes and a pale heroine haunted by monsters. "I could have written something better" Susan said afterwards. – "Yes I wish my old house a better future" Erik said. "If Louis gets it perhaps it will have that" Henry said. "He usually sets up good operettas and musicals. " – "There should be water in the basement" Erik said. "I want to buy it" Susan said enthusiatically. "Father? We can buy it together, I move here and manage it together with mr Malcolm. What do you say?" – "Would you really like to move here? What about your composing?" – "But it's perfect. I stay here and compose. And Louis, if he writes, he does the lyrics." – "He is the manager of a small theatre company. I could introduce you, but not right now, he is in Canada for the moment." – "We will meet. I will come back this autumn. Perhaps you could sing here, Jeanette?" – "I prefer the opera stage."-"Perhaps Gregorij is interested?" – "I don't think so" Erik said. "It's too far from his world."

Jeanette gave her performances of Aida, Desdemona and Gilda and at the end of the month Susan asked her father "Did you enjoy our stay here?" – "Yes I did. If you decide to move here I will come to visit you, but then Eleanor must come too. I miss her."

The Bolsjoj ballet had employed a new young choregrapher, who soon advanced to a head position. New ideas were brought to the ballet and the old dancers had to give way to the young ones. His name was Boris Gadenskij and he had studied in Paris. Irina and her best friend Nina found this very interesting. Nina was still interested in her friend's older brother, but Gregorij let no woman come near him. Nina and Irina talked about him."You don't think he's one of those boys who .. like.. other boys?" – "I should have noticed that. I know he was very fond of Susan Leroux when she was here. She is his half-sister though. A spicy story – my mother met his father before she met mine. And his father met her mother after he met mine. And she has a brother my age."

Boris Gadenskij was demanding and he assumed that everybody else should give their utmost. Gregorij appreciated that. By working he could think only of his career and surpress all thoughts of Susan. One evening when he passed the womens dressingroom he heard sobs from within. He looked in and saw someone sitting at the floor, crying. He entered and she looked up at him. "Nina, what are you doing here?" She tried wiping her face. "I can't stand it any more" she sobbed "He's so demanding and critical and.. I only make mistakes all the time.." he sat down beside her. "Who?" – "Boris of course. He's pushing us.." she blew her nose and began to calm down. "Doesn't Irina say so too?"- "Well perhaps – but is it that bad?" – "Perhaps he is more mean to me than to the others. I had to practice and practice when all the others had left.. I'm so tired." She looked so helpless and weak that Gregorij felt sorry for her. When her tears began to fall again he wiped them out with his handkerchief. She looked at him tenderly "Will you not speak well of me to him? I have noticed that he likes you." – "I will try" – "Gregorij you are so kind to me" she whispered "I like you." She didn't dare to touch him. 'Here is your chance' he thought ' to break free from your feelings for Susan and have a normal relationship'. He understood that she wanted him to kiss her, so he did, very tenderly. He felt nothing. "Let me walk you home" he said. Nothing more happened on the way home – he didn't want to give her false expectations."I will take to Boris about you" he said.

The next day Gregorij told Boris that he wanted to speak to him. "What a coincidence – I would like to speak to you too." They went to Boris' office. "I am very pleased with you" Boris said "and I would like you to perform more advanced parts. I have plans for the future which I would like to discuss with you." – "I'm flattered. But first I would like to say something. It's about Nina and the other girls in the ballet corpse. They find you too demanding. My sister has complained, and she is usually a tough girl. And Nina was crying yesterday in the dressingroom." – "I admit that perhaps I was a little too hard with her. But it's for her own good. She is talanted and needs rehearsing a lot to be even better. That goes for all of the girls, they have to think of their carriers and nothing else. Just like you. You have the potential to become a great dancer. No emotional feelings for anyone in the house?" Gregorij shook his head. Boris rose from his chair. "As I said I would like to discuss the future repertoire with you. Would you like to go out and have a drink with me?" – "Yes, that would be nice. But shouldn't you talk about the repertoire with Igor or any of those who have been here for a while?" – "You are the future. Shall we say tomorrow?"

Boris was very elegant in a smart top coat, dark jacket and a blue silk skirt wearing a scarf around his neck. He was handsome and Gregorij thought it strange that none of the young ladies at the ballet had talked about it. They spent a pleasant evening at a small café. First they talked about work but later on Gregorij began to talk about himself, telling him about his real father, the composer Erik Leroux. He also talked about Susan without saying anything about his feelings for her. Boris didn't talk much about himself. "I had friends in Paris" he said. "But nobody here so far. Would you like to be my friend?" – "Of course. " Boris put his hand on Gregorijs and pressed it slightly. "I have plans for you" he said. "Could you ask you father to compose more ballet music for us?"

"You seem to be Boris' favorite" Irina said to her brother some time later. "He doesn't scold you like the rest of us." – "It must be that I'm so much better than you" he anwered laughing. "Seriously speaking, we have become friends. And he is not as demanding as he was, is he?" – "No. Nina and all of us do our best. We admire him, and he is handsome – but still a little weak, I think."

"I have made a pas-de-deux to the music of Ravel. It's for you and me" Boris said to Gregorij one day. "For two male dancers? " – "I thought the audience had enough of excellent women so we could give them beautiful male dance as well. Oriental style, Aladdin and the genie of the lamp. You will see."
Their rehersal was intense, they worked a lot together and Boris showed him his intentions with the ballet. As time passed Gregorij noticed that Boris seldom let his gaze leave him and that it was filled with admiration. One of the female dancers passing their rehersal remarked to her friend "Boris looks at Gregorij as he should have looked at me." Gregorij couldn't help listening to the talk. But when they rehearsed in their costumes Boris made a strong and not at all weak impression.

The ballet had good reviews. Anna attended it and remarked " Sometimes it looked just like love scenes between the characters. He if defying convenance, he must watch the critics." – "It's just ballet, mother" Gregorij said. But he knew it was more behind.

The evening after Boris invited Gregorij to his office, where he had a small bar, and offered him a glass of vodka. "It was a success, wasn't it?" Gregorij felt a little tense as he had done lately when Boris looked at him. The choregrapher lifted his hand and touched his cheek. "I think you have understood how I feel about you" he said softly. "Love is too strong a word, and I don't dare to use it – yet." Gregorij said nothing. He didn't draw back, and Boris noticed it and put a hand on his arm. "And you?"- "I don't know." Gregorij was surprised he didn't dislike it. Boris came closer, let his lips touch his cheek and kissed his neck behind the ear. Gregoij closed his eyes. His mind told him this was wrong but his body didn't seem to mind. It felt good. But then he withdraw. "No" he said "I have never thought of anything like this.." – "But you didn't mind". Boris was not going to let him get away easily. He lifted Gregorij's chin and kissed him. First there was no reaction, then Gregorij kissed him back and put his hand on his friend's chest. But when he tried to pull him closer Gregorij drew back again. Boris sighed. "I woun't force you" he said. "I just hope that one day you will want me, as I do you."

Gregorij looked at his friend. He was handsome, and attractive, just as Susan. Perhaps they were a little alike. "I don't want to feel pressed" he said "but I do like you too, you know that." He stroke over Boris' hair. "I'll go home now, if you don't mind."

Gregorij and Boris continued working, enjoying each others company. Their performances were successful and also Nina had successes. "I find you more relaxed and less tense" she told Gregorij. But she still had no success in trying to court him. Gregorij and Boris spent much time together and by and by Gregorij gave in – to a certain point. When they were alone they kissed and caressed but nothing more. Rumours spread of course.

When summer grew nearer Boris said "I will go to Paris this summer. Would you like to accompany me?" Gregorij hesitated. "I am note sure what to do yet." Then he received a letter from Susan, telling him about her trip to America and her plans to go back in the autumn. This made up his mind to go to London in August. "Before summer, could you and I go on a tour to the countryside?" Boris asked, and Gregorij agreed. They went to an inn. In the evening they sat in an arbour having a glass of wine, talking about life. Boris talked about his plans and wishes. "I strive for success, and for love, especially since I met you." Gregorij was more hesitant. "The only love I have experienced so far has caused me pain." – "How do you feel for me?" – "I don't know if it's love – but very near." He had decided to let whatever could happen in the evening happen, and when Boris asked him to come to his room, he did. Seeing a glimpse of his well trained body under his open shirt awoke lust in him, and he closed the door behind them.

The stronger was his remorse the next morning. "What have I done?" – "What are you afraid of? We are not the only ones." – "But I couldn't imagine me.. and she.." – "You think of your secret love? Woun't you tell me who she is?" – "I could never do that. More for her sake than mine. " – "You can never have each other?" – "Never." – "Then I should be satisfied, because I can have you for myself." – "I will not be bound." – "You will not. You come to me whenever you like. I hope you will return to Bolsjoj in the autumn and don't go anywhere else." Before they left they kissed again. "I'm so grateful" Boris said "You know that."

When the theatre closed for the summer Gregorij told his family that he intended to go to London to see Erik and Susan. "I'ts been a long time" he said "and I really long to meet them."- "Give my regards ro Richard" Irina said. "If would be nice meeting him again."

Susan had a lot of plans for the theater she was hoping to open in Fort Appia. She looked forward to meet Henry Proctor's relative and his company. She expected the purchase would be finished in the end of September and planned to leave in the beginning of the same month. Erik promised that he and Eleanor would come visit her in November together with Jeanette who was to sing at the Metropolitan again.

Gregorij had announced his arrival in London till the beginning of August. Susan was nervous. She couldn't imagine how it would be like to meet him again. Should they stay in her apartment or should they go to Winston? She decided to meet him at the station. The sight of him descending from the train made her happy and she smiled relieved. He smiled too, but not as cordially. They hugged and he was a little tense. "We had better go directly to Winston, they wait for us" she said and they entered a smaller train. They sat down opposite each other. "How ar you?" she asked. "I'm fine. I have been successful. We have a new choreographer who has increased the quality of the ballet. We work very well together and have become friends. And you?" – "I really enjoyed the trip to America and have decided to go there again. I will run a theater together with some friends of mr Proctor." – "Will you stay long?" – "I don't know for how long. I might settle there. You could come too if you like to."- "It's a long way to go." She held out her hands and he took them between his. "It depends on what you want, if it's worth it" she said. "Have you met someone else yet?" he asked tentatively. "No, I haven't tried. Have you?" – "I have, with a friend of Irinas, but I had no luck." He was serious. "Is there something else? You seem to hide something from me." – "No.. I don't want to talk about it now. Susan.." he bent forward and kissed was nobody else in the compartment so she put her arms around his neck and kissed him back. "We had better go to Winston or you will never know what happens." – "But you will show me your apartment? Promise?" She felt unspoken prospects come to mind and she realized that she still loved him. "I promise."Before they left the train she said "I have told father about us and he has promised not to tell."

The reunion with the rest of the family was cordial. Gregorij told Richard that he had greeting for him from Irina. "You must go see her sometimes. Or at least send a photograph." Richard was flattered and a little embarrassed. He hardly remember the girl.

Erik was very pleased to see his son again. "I am glad every time I meet you. At my age you don't know for how long you will live."- "You still seem very much alive and strong. I think you will have many years ahead of you."

Gregorij had read Erik's story about his life and was both impressed and moved. They talked about Susan. "I hope she will like it in America" Erik said "that she develops the way she wants and will succeed. I sympathize with you both and I hope you handle your feelings with care .. and that you can move on." – "Father" Gregoij said a little hesitating "have you ever been interested in men – romantically I mean?" Erik shook his head. "Never. Why do you ask?" – "No special reason." – "You haven't been forced into something?" – "No, no. It's just that I have seen it."

Susan played her compositions to Gregorij and he enjoyed listening. They went for picnics and had a good time. One morning Susan said "Today I plan to show Gregorij my apartment in London. We will be back for dinner." Erik didn't look pleased but he said nothing. On the way to London they were happy like children but by and by Gregorij looked more depressed. "What is the matter with you?" Susan said as they had entered. "Are you scared of what will happen? Let's take this reasonbly. One last meeting, then we part."- "It's not that" he said. "I find it so difficult to tell you. Let's look at your apartment first." They had a look around and he admired her decoration. Then she sat down by the piano and played some Russian folk songs. "Can't you tell me what's bothering you?" – "It has to do with my capability to love." He rose and pulled her on to her feet. "I must see if I can love you again." He kissed her hard. "What do you mean?" – "I have done something I have never done before." He went to her bedroom and sat down on the bed. "I feel divided. I didn't even know I could – and I did enjoy it." – "What? Have you loved another woman after all? You said you hadn't.." – "No. Not another woman - a man." Susan gasped. "Are you shocked? You see – I can never do it right – first I love my sister, then I love a man." – "Who?" – "Boris, the choreographer. I said he was my friend – he is more than that." – "Do you love him?" – "I don't think so. He has been the one to push this, it has happened only once. I don't even know if I want to continue – but how could I not? We work together, we enjoy each others company." Susan cradled up into his arms. "Don't be ashamed, little Gregoij. Do as your mind tells you. You and I have no future anyway. Unless you come to me in America." She kissed him but he still didn't move. "What can I do to wake you up?" she said softly. Then he saw her. "Nothing. I'm awake now. Nothing can stop me from loving you now."

"I belong with you, I still feel it" he said, resting in her arms. "You must stop feeling that way, because this was the last time. Return to you Boris or find another woman." – "Do you really mean that?" Slowly she rose from the bed. "Yes. I feel I have to move on. If you will not accompany me to America I must break my bond to you. I'm seeking a new life and really look forward to meeting the theather company. Later on you could perhaps come to visit."

Gregorij stayed in London until the end of August. Jeanette came to London to perform in her father opera "Tintomara" at Covent garden and Gregorij admired her voice. "We all seem to have got marvellous gifts from our father" he said to Susan. "Yes, perhaps it's to compensate him a little for his deformities and for all he has suffered."

When Gregorij left for Moscow he was still very uncertain about his future.

Susan packed her bags and said goodbye to her family. "We will come to visit you later on" Erik said. "Now we all wish you good luck."

Author's note: I thought perhaps Susan and Gregorij could have a child together – but I didn't dare.