Author's Note: Hello Readers, Welcome! We are about to begin a new journey. My new story "Star-Crossed Lovers - After Mockingjay" picks up 2 weeks after Katniss and Haymitch arrive back in District 12.
The idea for this story began after a dream of mine, which of course I had to share with all of you: Haymitch and Greasy Sae are having a very hard time trying to bring the light back to Katniss's eyes. It seems that as the days pass she is falling into a deeper state of depression. They are afraid it may get to a point when it will be too late to save the extinguished Girl on Fire. Desperately, Haymitch and Greasy Sae begin to try and find a way to bring the light back to Katniss's heart. But will their choices bring our saddened Mockingjay back to life or be responsible for her ultimate destruction?
Warning: For those of you that for some unknown reason like Gale, He is going to be "messed up in the head" again. It seems like it is the only way I can write about him. Let's begin "Star Crossed Lovers: After Mockingjay" Chapter 1!
Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games
Chapter 1
Katniss's POV
I fight to open my tired eyes; I'm greeted by the rays of dawn shining through my window. I sigh deeply urging myself to not let my lost mind wander deeper into the world of darkness I've lived in from the moment I've decided to give up. I know it seems unfair, Greasy sae has told be so many times "You have to live, or to at least try, for them. Those people, who sacrificed it all for this new life, deserve to be remembered by every joyful moment and laughter you are able to have." The effect those words had on me was almost immediate, the words spoken by a wise survivor who learned how to be grateful for this second chance with her granddaughter, reminded me so much of the words spoken by a golden-tongued young baker's boy in a much different situation with the same objective of making me see the life ahead of me, a future beyond the darkness that surrounds me and drowns me in sorrow. But now it was too late, no words or hopeful behavior were able to save me now. I've lost it all. I've lost them all. Everyone who mattered to me, the ones I loved the most and the one I fought so hard not to, gone or moved on away from someone as destructive and impulsive as Panem's retired Mockingjay.
The aroma of eggs, bacon and whatever else Greasy Sae has decided to attempt to feed me today fills my nostrils announcing her presence and the beginning of a new day. I toss and turn around in my bed, hiding my head under the pillow and pulling the sheets and blankets over my body. I wait for her sweet and hopeful elderly voice to penetrate my bubble of self pity and destruction. As if on cue, I hear her uneven footsteps as she approaches the door to my room, as she opens it the aroma of fresh cooked food becomes stronger twisting my stomach in knots.
"Good Morning Child. I've brought you your breakfast." She announces with a little too much fake enthusiasm. For the last 2 weeks this has been our routine. Greasy Sae comes before meals to make sure I have enough to eat and helps me with basic human hygiene. I can count on my fingers the times I had enough motivation to come down to the kitchen and greet her, most morning she brings me my meals in bed and all but forces me with emotional devotionals to eat a couple spoonfuls.
"Girl, come out of there before your food gets cold." I feel her hands all over my body trying to find the opening to my personal cave. I grunt, the only sound of disapproval I've been able to emit since I've become a mental avox, or so Haymitch informed me is written on my psychological files. It takes her a little longer than usual but Greasy Sae is able to find my curled up body under the pile of covers and pulls my pillow making it impossible to hide any longer.
"There you are Child. Welcome back to the worl… Katniss!" She exclaims, startling me. I feel her wrinkled hand softly on my cheeks and forehead. "Girl you are burning up!" I haven't given much thought to how cold I actually feel, since I always seem to be cold not mattering how bright the sun seems to be shining outside, my world is an endless dark night. "Look at those rosy cheeks! Oh Girl, eat your food while I prepare a nice bath for you."
Greasy Sae helps me into a sitting position, my back against the headboard, and disappears into the bathroom to fill up my oversized bathtub. The more I look at the feast displayed on my lap the more my appetite seems to lessen, another aspect to add to my guilt. I've spend most of childhood and preadolescence starving, wishing for the simplest plate of food to be able to share with my little sister, now that I have enough and more to cover all my meals it suddenly seems as if it is no longer necessary, no longer essential.
"Come on Girl, just a couple bites at least." I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't notice Greasy Sae was back and holding a fork full of bacon and eggs close to my mouth. I couldn't bring myself to eat it; it was as if my body decided to stop responding to basic commands and needs. I was dying, emotionally and maybe even physically. Greasy Sae knew that, I could visibly notice her facial expressions changing each day since the day I came back and she started caring for me two weeks ago. She was losing hope; I was killing her hope just as I did mine. But I couldn't bring myself to care. I didn't deserve to live, not when all of them wouldn't be given a chance to. I felt guilty for being alive just as I was feeling guilty for Greasy Sae's failing attempts to keep me so. But as any Seam born should, she was not going to give up that easily.
"Alright, I believe you are not feeling up to it due to the fever." I haven't been feeling up to it for the past two weeks. "Let's move you to your waiting warm bath and I can reheat this later." She definitely wouldn't give up. Greasy Sae all but pulls me out of my bed and on my feet, basically dragging me to my bathroom. The warm steam from the bathtub wasn't enough to fog up my mirrors as the steam from shower normally would, and my eyes catch a glimpse of reflection causing me to gasp and flinch. I avert my eyes from the foreign image reflecting back to me and find a spot on the floor to stare at while fighting back my tears of misery.
"Look Child, don't be afraid to see yourself." Greasy Sae soothes me. I shake my head vigorously, sending stubborn tears flying all over. "Katniss…" I feel her delicate hand under my chin, forcing my watery eyes to meet hers. "Look Girl, time heals." She starts turning my face towards the mirror again but I close my eyelids shut tightly, refusing to see the shell of a girl staring back at me. They finally did it. They destroyed the Girl on Fire, the leader of the Mockingjay rebellion has fallen.
"Alright, come on." She accepts my decision with a sigh of disapproval. Greasy Sae helps me step into the scented warm water and accommodates me before sitting herself on my closed toilet. I expected her to leave me to my sickening thoughts, but instead she keeps close watch. I would figure that Greasy Sae, just as Haymitch, have been warned of my situation by my doctor that I choose to ignore on a daily basis. A girl who has been diagnosed "mentally unstable", unable to be treated or helped due to her inability to communicate, or her "mental avox" state as Haymitch so often pointed out throughout the last two weeks, shouldn't be left alone in a tub filled with water, My behavior is constantly being watched and evaluated by the only two people left in my life; they believe I'm a danger to myself just as Panem was made believe I'm a danger to others as well. The small bits of information I get from eavesdropping Greasy Sae's conversations with Haymitch tells me so.
It takes a couple minutes and a couple wrinkled fingers for Greasy Sae to decide for me that I've had enough. She offers me a towel while she helps me stand up and step out of the bathtub, all the while my eyes still avoiding my mirror. I wrap myself tightly around my towel and make my way towards my barely used and overly large closet. I ignore more than half of it since all of Cinna's beautiful creations are still hanging covered by a thin layer of dust and heavy black garment bags. Instead I focus on choosing from the small selection of clothes I owned before the reaping, looking for the warmest pair of pants and sweater.
"I don't think your fever has gone down a bit." Greasy Sae's soft voice and hand on my forehead startle me. "I will bring your breakfast down for reheating and see if I have anything that I could make into a warm healing stew for you, sounds alright?" I short nod is all I offer. She knows that I won't bother with any of her efforts, but giving up was never an option for her.
She finally decides it is safe enough to leave me to tend for my own self. I dress myself slowly, trying my best to find a way to make my now oversized clothes look like it still fits my overly skinny frame, and make my way downstairs, towards my living and my beloved rocking chair in front of the fireplace that Greasy Sae always leaves a couple pieces of wood burning. I grab the same old blanked from my chair and wrap my feverish body in it, getting comfortable to spend the rest of the day on my chair.
"Girl, your lunch is on the stove but it may take some time before it is ready. I brought your breakfast back. I have to go to town but I will be back to make sure you have a fresh dinner. Haymitch will come to finish up the stew and grab a plate for himself soon." Greasy Sae gets ready to leave but not before checking my fever one more time and leaving a motherly kiss on my forehead. "You take care now, and finish this up. I will see you soon." She leaved the plate of food on a small table in front of me before making her way out, the front door opening and closing softly after her.
As expected I choose to once again ignore the mouthwatering meal in front me. Greasy Sae was always able to draw moans and sighs from the few luck people who were fortunate enough to purchase one of her mysterious meals. I used my own skills to trade for a taste whenever I had the luxury of catching more than I essentially needed, meanwhile contributing for whatever she was able to cook with what I had to offer. But now, even the hard work from such talented woman, just like everything else that surrounds me nowadays, is bland and tasteless. I know of so many people who would gladly appreciate her care and time; just another factor to add to my endless list of motives for this guilt I live with to consume me alive.
My eyes fixed on the slowly burning fire and the warmth brought by my fever, heavy clothing and blanket, is enough to start making my tired eyelids close and bring my aching body to unconsciousness. I fall asleep knowing of the nightmares caused by my traumas and memories that come to haunt me every time my exhausted mind loses the battle. They are always the same; children burning, strong hands who were once to caress my skin now wrapping tightly around my neck, screams from people I once loved who were violently taken from me, from life. I see their pleading faces, asking for mercy and a second change, asking for my miserable self to save them, but there is never anything I can do. I'm never fast enough, strong enough or smart enough. I can't seem to figure out a way out before it is too late. That is exactly what I'm doing to my own self since the day I lost my little sister.
"Wake up Sweetheart. Do you mind the company?" I'm woken up, startled from a nightmare no doubt, by a not sober but also not too far gone to drunken land Haymitch, his hands shaking my shoulders in what I believe is his best attempt at being gentle. "The old lady has asked me again to fulfill the position as your babysitter. I got to make sure you don't burn down your house by leaving the food cooking longer than necessary, which is exactly what you were planning on doing by the looks of it." He tries to disguise the tone of worry in his voice, the concern of knowing that had he not being here that is certainly what would have happened.
"How are you feeling, huh?" He asked concerned. I shake my head and earn a sigh from him, which seems to be the only emotion I'm able to bring out of people nowadays; so differently from my sister who could bring a smile to anyone's face just by being in her presence.
Haymitch disappears into the kitchen only to return a few second later with a tray containing two bowls, a glass of water and two white pills. "The old lady told me to give you these. They are a few of the medicines already being made in our district. As people rebuild, there are many who have taken upon themselves to start taking our medicine factories off the ground. The pills are nothing capitol-like, but they should at least help alleviate the symptoms." He knows that the reconstruction of our district is the last topic I would like to discuss, it won't matter how hard our people work or how much effort they put into rebuilding, almost everyone who once called this district their home will never return. They will be forever buried in the meadow, never able to celebrate the growth and changes, condemned to be erased from our memories with time and forgotten by future generations. I'm having a hard time understanding how these people can simply move on knowing of all the loss and pain we have already suffered, how many we have lost.
"People are learning to move on Katniss. They are still hurting and they are still grieving all the wrongs that were done to their families and neighbors. But let me make something very clear here sweetheart, life is moving on with or without you." I'm still slightly surprise, even after all these years, how easy it is for Haymitch to read me like an open book, as if he can hear my thoughts and know my deepest hidden emotions by simply staring into my eyes. We are so alike in so many ways, and now he is showing to be the strongest out of the two of us.
I'm given the two pills and the cup of water followed by the bowl of stew. I swallow the pills with a little difficulty and drink half my cup of water in one gulp; I place the cup back on the tray that Haymitch has carefully placed on my lap and begin eyeing my lunch. "I would highly recommend you dig in before it gets any cooler. I'm not Greasy Sae to reheat your food over and over until you decide against starving yourself." Haymitch warns me from the couch he is sitting on with his own bowl of stew on one hand while he eats with the other. I pick on my meal for a couple minutes until I finally decide that I have no other choice if I want to be left alone. Haymitch won't leave until I have made it at least past half my bowl, especially after catching him glaring at my untouched breakfast with a look of disapproval on his hardened face.
"You know Katniss, I believe we are all running out of options here. What you don't see is that you are still a national symbol you wanting it or not. People are not just going to let you drown in self pity and destroy the life you fought so hard to keep. I 'm having to cover up for you but there is only much I can do. If you don't want to raise yourself from this darkness with the help of people who care for you then you will be reevaluated and treated in a medical facility. It's your choice now." I'm sure the shock that has run throughout my body is registered on my face. There is only one place that has enough resources and conditions to have a facility to treat people in such conditions, mental disabilities as they like to call it. I became familiar with their methods during my probation the following days after I killed Coin, while I waited my trial.
"No…N…o" I whisper hoarsely. My hands try desperately to hold on to the bowl but my body beings to shake violently.
"Oh, there it is, you do remember how to speak." Haymitch mocks but his face switches back to its concerned frown he has been wearing for as long as I can remember when his eyes land on my frightened face.
"No Haymitch, please they can't." My voice sounds foreign to my ears; my words coming out as if my throat is being scratched to a mess of whimpers and sobs. I cry out, the intensity from my tears shaking my entire body. Haymitch grabs the spilling bowl of stew form my hands and pulls me to him and hugs my head to his chest, the proximity and warmth from his embrace making me realize how much I've missed being held and caressed.
"Shhh, It will be okay Sweetheart. It's only a worst case scenario. I know more than anyone what that place is capable of doing to people like us." Haymitch soothing voice penetrates my panicked mind. "I won't let them do that to you, but you have to cooperate with us."
"That city… those people… they…they…" My sobbing intensifies, preventing me from finishing my sentences. My memories from that time are confused and unsure, I was heavily drugged the entire time, but I remember enough to know that I was not welcomed there. I recall women, dressed in uniforms similar to the ones I got used to seeing my mother and Prim wearing in district 13, but they lacked their passion and delicacy. There are flashes of memories from the times I was violently moved from my bed and forced to shower and eat, a simple enough routine on a daily basis that I was unable to perform on my own. They would shout and scream angry insults and grab my arms and shoulders in a violent way. It was the perfect opportunity for those people to seek their revenge on the girl who took their beloved luxurious lives from them. I know I would deserve every endless minute of torturing these people would put me through if I got sent back there, it would be the ideal opportunity to finish off the girl who has inspired so much violence, the death of so many innocent people.
I stay in Haymitch's embrace for a long time, not caring about the wet spot on his shirt or the noises I make as I try to breathe and recompose myself enough to return to my world of numbness that I had grown so used to. My eyes fix on the rays of sunshine shining through my window, not mattering how much destruction and misery are present; they persist in returning each new day and bringing hope for a new beginning and reconstruction, at least for some of us.
The position of the sun changes from one side of the window to the other side of the living room, but I refuse to move. I allow myself this moment of dependence and weakness, even if it has to be in front of Haymitch. Since my father died I've grown used to being the independent hunter who was strong and fearless enough to be the head of her household and make sure her family survived. I've had to endure the games and a war without allowing myself a moment to breakdown, even when I watched the people I love being taken away from me, one by one. I'm exhausted and I feel as if all that strength has left me, I'm the leftover ashes of a once inextinguishable fire that has led a country to war, people to their deaths for my own selfish ways. I'm no longer able to hold myself up, I need the safety and dependence that I was never allowed.
"Tha…Thank you, Haymitch." I whisper, he may not be the kindest and most lovable person, he is actually a drunk with as many emotional issues and traumas as I am, but he is the closest to a father I will ever afford to have.
"I may not be much Sweetheart, but I will take care of you now." I can't help but notice the raw guilt in his voice. Haymitch tried everything he could to save us, in his own psychotic way, but he did.
"I'm back, Child." I hear Greasy Sae's voice form the doorway. "I came a little earlier to check if you needed anything." She walks into the living room where I remain firmly pressed to Haymitch's chest, his hand making small circles on my slightly bent back. She nods curtly at Haymitch and places her hand on my forehead. "You are still very warm girl. I believe we should give you another bath before I start dinner." I try to protest but there is no use, my noises of dissatisfaction mean nothing to someone's as determined as Greasy Sae.
"Then I believe this is my clue to return to the safety of my house, and my beloved refreshments." He gives my chin a pinch and is gone. I'm once again dragged to my bathroom and left standing awkwardly and cold as far away from the mirrors as I could manage while Greasy Sae prepares my bathtub once again. She disappears into my room and returns with a pair of warm pajamas and a fresh towel.
"Alright child, let's get you in there." I'm stripped out of my clothes and helped into my bathtub. The temperature of the water almost has me jumping out like a soaked feline. Greasy Sae notices the desperation on my face but makes no move to help me out or make the water any warmer. "I know it is not the temperature you are used to. But it will help with the fever if you take a slightly cooler bath instead of scalding hot as usual." Again, I try to protest or find a way out of this whole situation but I'm too exhausted and weak to argue with her. My entire body begins to shake the instant my body is submerged into the water, for me is at a freezing temperature. "I know girl, I'm sorry. But I must do what I have to." But her eyes show no mercy as she uses my sponge to soak the upper part of my body and my hair. "I believe it will be a good time to wash you dark locks. I swear I might find little Mockingjays' nests in here."
While I'm still soaking she takes a brush from my vanity and start to try to comb my damaged hair. The pushing and pulling making my head pound more than it normally does on a regular, which causes me to release tiny whimpers and tears to burn the back of my tightly closed eyelids.
"I'm so sorry child." When she is finally done she hands me the towel and announces she will start dinner downstairs since I should be able to dry and dress myself. I hurry to get out from the cold water causing myself to become dizzy and disoriented. I take my clothes and decide to dress myself in my room, not taking the risk of seeing my reflections on any of the mirrors. Fully dressed, I can't help but notice the sun setting right outside my window while drying my dripping hair, trying my best to avoid any drops of water to come in contact with my still shivering body. The rays of warm orange fill my room and my heart with a feeling I tried so many times to ignore and had started to forget. Memories come rushing back to me of a time when I felt something other than self pity, sadness and misery; a time where I could allow myself to hope. I allow silent tears to stream down my face as I'm reminded of the goodness that was stolen from me, the kindness and generosity that was brought to my life by someone whom I chose to ignore until it was lost. I let my thoughts go to a place where rebirth is possible, where my abused and traumatized heart could be healed and loved; the place where I would be able to love.
End of Chapter 1. We will go slowly but things will pick up the pace sooner than later. Stick with me and I promise some suspense, drama and lots of Everlark. Thank you for reading. I'm already working on chapter 2 so it should be out soon.