So. I am not a really messed up person, generally, but whenever I write things get really angsty. Sorry about that. WARNING: Depressing. But I want you to read! Tell me what you think, please, I love reviews almost as much as I love Jess.
Disclaimer: I don't actually own Gilmore Girls or I sure as hell wouldn't be posting stories on fanfic. I'd be working on season 8. :)
The first time he sees her is nothing special, there is no instantaneous sense of anything at all and when coffee brown met ocean blue for the first time, he does not fall in love. He notices, of course, that she is pretty. Some may say beautiful but he never was one for compliments like that. He notices that she is less insane than the rest of this damn fucking town where people live like knowing your neighbors is important and where the latest divorce in town is headline news. She has a nice voice and her room is simplistic and silly, there is a chicken stuffed animal sitting on a chair but it doesn't make him want to gag, it just seems like it's truthful she's not hiding, it's nice of her to keep that toy sitting there like a big screw you to the stereotypical teen.
He sees the books and thinks wow for a second but just because she has books doesn't mean she gives a damn about what they really mean. And they discuss HOWL and he doesn't want to leave her room because when he's talking with her for some reason he can pretend that he isn't living in the most annoying town in existence, and he can forget that there is a crazy chick out in the kitchen making enough food for twenty people, and that the apartment that he lives in was supposed to be an office, and that his uncle Luke is going to try and "fix him".
She declines when he suggests that they escape. And he is momentarily stymied by this, because he cannot remember the last time a girl declined an invitation from him. Maybe she has a boyfriend, he doesn't know, but he sees the beer in the fridge and forgets her and finds relief. At least if he gets buzzed then he can escape from this hell.
Her mother is annoying and has a thing for his uncle. And he wants to slap her for her "I understand you" speech and wants to kill Liz for sending him here, and kill Luke for being so understanding as to take him in. He doesn't care about going back to New York, he doesn't care about going back to his mom but he does sort of wish he were somewhere where it were easier to slip back into the cracks and let the world forget him.
There are little glances from Rory whenever they meet. He gives her back her copy of Howl and she impresses him with his Oliver Twist reference. And he is proud of himself for impressing her. And he realizes that she reads and goddamn even if they have nothing in common at least they could escape together into books.
He watches her, and she goes to a fancy private school in Hartford but it's not because she's a snob it's because she's smart. Really smart. And now he's thinking about her a lot and that's not good, is it, because what the hell would someone as centered and normal as her see in a fuck-up like Jess Mariano?
Liz sent him here he realizes because there is virtually no way to screw up his life in this tiny little pocket of the world where he'd have to go to a neighboring town just to illegally buy booze. It's driving him crazy but he tries pathetically to cause mischief despite the limitations.
He doesn't even steal the chalk and the caution tape, he buys them both and sets up the little stunt in front of the market where he knows Rory will see it. And he doesn't think too much about why he cares about her opinion, he just lets it go.
And she does, she sees it and even though she wont admit it without coercion, she thought it was funny, but Luke is struggling with the town on Jess's behalf and Rory cares about his uncle. But not him. Rory doesn't care about Jess. And then the boyfriend appears out of fucking nowhere and that's that.
He gets grim satisfaction out of seeing Dean scrubbing his handiwork out of the pavement, and he fixes the toaster. They lock eyes and Jess hopes, for the love of god that she understands that what he has done was not for Luke, but for her.
There is some insane dinner at Lorelai's inn and Luke wants to go, oh god does he want to go because Lorelai will be there and he is whipped. And Jess doesn't refuse, not outright, and he is confused and angry to admit that it's only because she will be there, and to pass up an opportunity to see Rory would be insanity.
He is there, with her, Dean is there, and there's a small girl, Dean's sister, he deduces. He watches Rory kiss Dean lightly and without passion, just a peck, like fulfilling an obligation, like completing an assignment. He watches and smiles lightly at her kind treatment of the small girl, the way she compliments her god awful dress.
The horses are just horses and Jess couldn't really care less but she is alone in one of those little carriages because luck would have it that that godsend of a little sister has dragged Rory's boyfriend away from her. And he jumps in, but she is angry with him.
He tries to act like he doesn't care what she thinks, but he's pretty sure he failed miserably on that account. Rory is angry. Pissed at him for fighting Dean. But it wasn't Dean, Jess explains, it was someone else, and he got in the way.
Jess has nothing against Dean, really. Except that he gets to kiss and to hold and to talk to her. And god, he likes her. It's time to fess up to himself and just get that piece of it out of the way. He really likes her. He's not just attracted to her, though he is, he really is. He understands her very well, he knows that her snowman is Bjork and they can just talk and talk and talk and never run out of things to say. Never. And he can trust her and their unspoken agreement has drawn a line, and he tries so damn hard not to reach out and tuck the strand of hair away from those eyes, just as an excuse to feel the skin of her face, to see if it is as soft as it looks. Because if he did that it would break the silent "no physical contact" rule that they've got going, and she would back up into that little hole of hers and he would be lost.
He has lost track of all the stupid things he's done for her. Destroying snowmen? Switching video tapes around? Why the hell does this girl matter to him? And then he spends ninety bucks just to have lunch with her. He watches Rory and Dean arguing and it makes him sad, not that he caused an argument, but that this argument might subsequently upset her. But she follows him, she does, she follows him and sits on that bridge and they discuss Hemmingway and Jess is simultaneously thinking about how smart and perfect this girl is, and also about how all he really wants to do in this second is lean over and claim her lips and pull her down and undress her right her on the wood, hidden by trees.
And there's book buying and pizza and he buys it for her, bringing the total amount of money he's spent on Rory in one day frighteningly close to one hundred. And he doesn't have that kind of money to spend, not really. They waste hours in the store, hidden by shelves and shelves of books that allow them to forget everything but this little bubble they've created and god he never wants to leave this place, as long as she'll stay here with him.
He brings over the food from Luke's and there's some crazy chick from Chilton there and her name is Paris and the three of them eat and eat and eat and discuss everything. He impresses Rory's friend because he's read Austen. And then Dean calls and Jess is forced to remember that he's not dating Rory, he's not even allowed to really be her friend. And he tries to stop her, but Rory pushes him out, after they tease and flirt and she puts her hands on his chest, up by his shoulders, and he wants her to keep them there and kiss him, and he can tell that that's what she wants too, and it's killing him that they can't just fucking have what they both want.
He personally doesn't care if she eats. That's what he tells him. He could have tortured him for bit longer, but he was only making it harder for Rory. But damn, he does care if she eats, he cares about everything that she does and it's insanity but it's damn well the truth. He wants to grab her and shake her, and tell her that he gets that she's scared but that she can't hold back because of that. Kiss me, dammit, he wants to scream, he wants to yell he wants to hold her for all of forever, but he walks away and Dean storms past her an into the house without being invited, and Jess would like to punch him very badly for being mad at her.
And the next day, she discovers that Luke never even sent Jess over with the care package, and she flirts and teases him and he is kind of sort of glad that she found out because maybe, god, maybe it will finally penetrate her pretty little head that he likes her, feels something for her, that he cares about her like he can't ever remember caring for anyone else.
But Dean is waiting outside. And he has to stop dreaming and get on with his life, right?
Rory was going to tutor him. He heard the words snake out through the air from Luke's lips and he wasn't appalled at the idea, because he knew he could distract her, he knew they wouldn't study, they would talk and talk and it was a planned meeting between him and Rory, like a date, like a… he needs to get a grip but he can't help wondering why she would agree. Out of obligation to Luke, or because she wants to see him?
He is aggravating her but he can tell she doesn't care about studying either. She's only still reading out of the text book because she'd feel guilty if she abandoned all pretense. Dean is in Chicago and there is no chance that they will be interrupted and oh god this is his chance to just be with her. She recognizes Gus of Brixton and he falls a little more for her. He tells her he needs ice cream and she goes along with his "better in a cone" bit even though it's all crap and just a way to get her out and away from the diner and away from school stuff but she brings a book with her.
But hey it's alright they get their ice cream, and they discuss her future and he decides that if she asked him to, he really would learn a foreign language to scream at her. And when she tells him to keep going, to turn away from the diner, his heart skips a beat and she has not opened that goddamn book once the entire time. But then what happened it's over she's hurt and oh god he hurt her this cannot be happening it's the worst he's ever felt.
He can't even speak but his eyes say it all, he's panicked, she's holding her arm and she is hurting and he grabs her other hand and says I'm sorry I'm sorry over and over and it's all he can say. She understands, she understands, it's not his fault. It's what she says and it keeps him sane. He watches her get into the ambulance before he talks to the police and he feels his heart breaking just a bit. He has to leave he needs to get out.
When Luke finds him he tells him that he needs to go home. And Luke agrees, because he knows that the town will explode and turn against Jess because he hurt their angel. Angel Rory. She hates him. She hates him, he thinks she must and it kills him a little but he gets on the damn bus and leaves this godforsaken place and leaves her, he hates it he does, but what choice does he have?
He calls her and they spew nonsense across the space between them and he wants to see her face and he wants to know do you miss me, Rory do you, do you think about me ever how is Dean is he good? Are you still good together does your mom still hate me of course of course.
Then he hears dial tone and they are through it's the end.
When she finds him in the park he acts casual, like he was expecting it. He had hoped of course he had hoped. But he hadn't thought, not really. They got hot dogs and she was not afraid to eat, a girl that would eat junk in front of a guy was a treasure, and she said withering stare and "no I could hurt you" and Jess kept his face joking but really he thought, you do hurt me, Rory you hurt me every day every day that I don't kiss you it hurts me. And I deserve every second of it most definitely.
She finds the Go Goes for her mom and she smiles and thanks him. She came because he never told her goodbye. But doesn't she understand that he left without a goodbye, for a reason? Because saying those words to her made it final and he would never see her, never again. He couldn't how could he? But he lets the words slip from unwilling lips because she needs them for closure, even though it just rips at his gut a little bit more.
She looks so beautiful in that dress… who is that guy she's with? Her dad maybe? He realizes he's never asked her about that and he feels guilt press on him. He's here because he needs her and there's no other reason and god bless Luke for letting this happen. She is bewildered but in her cerulean eyes there is also excitement. He is here and she loves that he is here. Why? She wants to know and he tells her. Because I just wanted to.
And then, she kisses him. It feels like the months of anticipation for this moment was suddenly worth it because it feels right and he hates that they fit so perfectly, because the second the kiss starts he can already feel its end because Rory is smart, Rory is logical she will pull away because Dean exists he is reality and they can't escape it. Her lips are soft and pliable under him and he takes a step forward and in nanoseconds Rory will pull away but he pushes forward regardless, and his hand on her face, his hand our her waist feels right, but then she's ripped this heaven from him.
Welcome home, she says to him and his heart skips twenty million beats, he stops breathing, because the truth of those words can penetrate him, no matter how hard he tries to stop them. Stars Hollow has never been home, but she is home, as long as she wants to be.
It takes him a while to find Shane but when he does he hates her instantly but he needs her nonetheless because Rory is gone, she's gone for the summer and there's been no word. He should hate her but he still thinks about her soft, gentle lips on his and he is just as lost in her as he has always been.
He never forgets that it's Shane he's kissing, never thinks for a minute that he'll open his eyes and pull away and it will be Rory staring back at him, because he knows the way she feels under his hands and Shane is different, she's not Rory she isn't anyone to him.
She uses him and he uses her to get what he needs but not what he wants, never what he wants.
There's a festival and he is leaning against a tree. All alone, and he sees her there in a dress so pretty and he doesn't seen the boyfriend, only her mom. Why is she dressed up, what is the reason, is it for him? Jess tries to shoot down the fledgling hope, he tries he tries but it tugs at his heart insistently, and Rory hasn't seen him yet. He wants them to lock eyes and then maybe the summer will have disappeared and everything will be exactly where he wants it to be. But then Shane steps up and they kiss and kiss and Jess hates it but he does it anyway, and he sees Rory see him and she's hurt and he hates himself because for a second he feels glad that at least that shows that she cares. But then he is sad for her and he doesn't want her to hurt. And he sees Dean and him and Rory kiss and then he's angry angry angry at Dean for existing at Rory for being in love with Dean (or so she says) and at himself for even caring about any of this shit in the first place. God. When did he become so pathetic, so dramatic???
How the hell did they come to this, did they come to this yelling at each other in the middle of Doose's Market? And she's yelling and he's yelling and he hates it a lot but what can they do about it, nothing that's the answer, absolutely nothing. Is this it, then? Jess is angry and sad and so many other things he can't name them at all. But he thinks it's over right now, it is, it's over.
She's wet, her clothes are clinging to her and she looks ravishing and delicious but he can't just stare at her because she's running away from him. Something snaps and she can run run run run but he will catch her because he needs to know what's making her all freaked out like that, what's bothering her, and can he fix it? He wants to fix it.
It's a sprinkler, and he runs to fix it, she's yelling behind him telling him no, don't, she didn't ask him to… when would she ever understand that she would never need to ask?? That Jess would do whatever she wanted, needed, forever, and she didn't ever need to ask?
Then Dean pages her, and Jess, his hair dripping into his face, twists the knob, the water comes spewing back out, and he give her a half-smile, and she looks at him sadly. That's all it's going to be, at least for now.
There is so much animosity and Jess is always with Shane. He watches with sick enjoyment as Rory reacts to the pair. She doesn't like Jess being with Shane. He can tell. God, he can tell and it makes him so happy but so sad because how have they tangled themselves like this, how have they both separated themselves so far from what they actually want. It's so confusing and Jess has never been one for drama, but suddenly it's like he can't handle it and he must see her and push her buttons until she snaps.
She's dancing with her mom and she looks gorgeous in that dress. Mm. Shane is sitting by him and he wants to forget it. He really does, but he knows that he can't he can't he can't. Dean is here, too, but Jess notices that she glances at himself more than at her boyfriend. They exchange hard words by the disgusting sandwiches that Lane has made, and he still sits there and watches and then kisses Shane right in front of her, just to piss her off, just to egg her on.
Eggs. She devil egged his car and she deserved the pain she was feeling, the conflict. Jess knows it was the Gilmores. He knows but he doesn't care so much because it's just one more sign that Rory cares, and that Rory is angry at him and angry at Shane.
He pushes her buttons but she doesn't snap, Dean beats her to it. He loves that they are broken up but he hates that he yelled and that Dean is in ass and that she is hurting. He doesn't think anything is worth this but then she says that her ex-boyfriend is right. It's right, it's all right. Him and her, her and him, and Jess walks away from her on that bridge and walks up to Shane, and she shrugs and walks away, throwing a few choice expletives over her shoulder as she saunters out of Jess's life. (Thank god).
They are awkward and fumbling and she won't just let him get her a damn soda and he thinks he'll go mad. And they're so close, so close to kissing, so close to repeating the experience of Sookie's wedding but without any blockades, Dean does not exist anymore, but Luke, dammit Luke ruins everything.
But it's only delayed hours, hours later they stand outside and he plays with a cigarette and then, oh god and then they kiss, they kiss and it's absolutely incredible. There's a stirring in his stomach and he wants to hold her closer closer closer and they're making out, he's actually making out with Rory and it feels so good.
But she has to go, she says. He panics. How could he have already screwed things up, how? But no, she says that he's incredible. He smiles at that and reluctantly lets her walk away, although there's nothing he wants to do less.
Their relationship is perfect inside, but there are small surface things that are wrong. Lorelai doesn't like him, doesn't like him. The town disapproves. And he wants to be sweet and caring but he's afraid that she'll shoot him down. They have movie nights and dates, and incredible goodnight kisses that curl his toes and leave him wanting so much more from her. But he won't ask it, he wouldn't, he will wait, no matter how hard it is he will wait for her to ask for him, and he will give himself to her all the way, completely and totally.
He doesn't call her, one night, and she is pissed so he tries to think of how to fix it. He doesn't know how, but Distillers, she likes them so she tries it and it works. But she says don't check the answering machine. Don't listen. But he doesn't listen to Rory, and he listens to that tape.
It makes his insides squirm. God, she was practically breaking up with him in that message. This can't happen, never, never, again.
Then she wants to have dinner with her grandmother. He so isn't the "meet the grandparents" type of guy but she wants him to and he cannot refuse her, never, never. He goes, but that damn swan ruins everything.
He lies about it to her, he says a football, and he knows she doesn't believe it but she understands that it's stupid and trivial and doesn't even matter, and they kiss. It seems so right and so perfect, but Jess knows it wont last, because he always manages to mess up this kind of thing, no matter how hard he tries.
When Dean hits him, he comes undone. He can't handle this guy and so he hits back and he destroys so stupid guy that he doesn't even knows house and Rory is pissed, she's pissed. He's done everything wrong, but she is still perfect and he needs to get away. Jimmy's there and he follows him away from Star's Hollow and away from the most perfect person in the world.
It's then that he knows that he doesn't matter.
I think I may have loved you… It shatters him to hear her say it.
He makes his choice as he leaves California, he makes the choice and he knows that it's over over over. Crappy apartment after crappy apartment, he waits for a reason to go back one more time, because he knows that there is one thing he must do before he ends everything everything everything.
Liz calls him and tells him about the car, so he runs back to the Hollow and he sees her. Three times. Once, he leaves, twice, he leaves, the third time he runs runs runs after her and she rants and he wants to tell her everything that she wants to know and things she didn't even ask, like about his childhood and Liz's drunk boyfriends and the things he was never brave enough to say to her. But all that comes up is the most important thing so he spits I love you at her and leaves her standing shellshocked.
The burn of alcohol in his throat is everything that he feels and he tries to drown it out but it does nothing. There are seven or eight little white pills sitting on the floor beside him in the crap apartment he shares with some guy named Phil that doesn't matter. Phil is with his girlfriend tonight. Jess is undisturbed.
He swallows the pills and feels it starting and he wonders what she will do when she finds out, will she care, will Luke care, what about Liz, but they don't matter, but Rory matters, he closes his eyes and he pictures her face swimming there in his vision and his name falls from her lips again and again and it saves him, because now he knows he will never know the end of their story.
Congrats if you actually made it to the end of my ramblings! Please review!