Tony Stark didn't often think about the time he got kidnapped. It was difficult to remember, and often too painful to be worth it. He never gained anything out of it in fact other than the pain. He'd been through a lot of shit in recent years, and as much as it helped his deep rooted feelings of guilt to save so many lives, it also was causing a lot of mental strain.
Tonight, Tony Stark did think about the time he got kidnapped. Sitting in bed was when his depression was the worst. People often thought him a charismatic, outgoing individual, but the truth was, there were two Tony Starks, and the one that everyone saw often wasn't the real Tony. That was manic Tony. Sitting in the bed, alone, in the dark tonight, this was depressive Tony. Even Tony didn't know who the real Tony was. He hadn't been around in a good long while.
Tony knew he was a terrible person. It took getting kidnapped- almost killed- for him to even notice how his actions affect others. He didn't care that he was responsible for the deaths of possibly millions by the continuation of his father's weapons business. Not until those very weapons turned on him. His change of heart was all based in self-preservation, not a care for others.
Tony knew he was a terrible person. He was single-handedly responsible for the injury and death of innocent people through his vigilante justice and even the work with the Avengers on occasion. If not bodily harm, then the destruction of families' property, shelter, and other necessities.
Tony knew he was a terrible person. He constantly turned on friends, let his anger get the best of him. He'd fought with too many to count and it nearly cost him or his friends their lives.
Tony knew he was a terrible person. Even when he decided to leave the weapons industry, he made his own personal weapon and shield. He made himself more powerful than anyone else. He was selfish.
Tony knew he was a terrible person because these types of thoughts often kept him up at night. He was kept awake, haunted by his past actions. He couldn't justify anything he did.
And Tony knew he was a terrible person because he would wake up the next day and do the same impulsive destructive shit as always. Because he would wake up the next day and not regret anything. Because he would wake up the next day and be charismatic, happy, functional again.