First story. Don't baby me with reviews. Be honest.

What am I still doing here?

What the hell am I doing...?

Its been years. Decades even.

I have been stuck here for who knows how long. So much time has gone to waste doing nothing with my life.

There is so much regret. There was so much I wanted to do with my life, but never got around to. I've sat around, watching my life walk away without me.

I've been working at the same crappy job at the same crappy place for the crappiest ten years ever.

Some life this turned out to be...

I work at the Twin Peaks recreational park. I'm a groundskeeper. Ladies, look out! We've got a rogue stud on our hands! A whole ten year portfolio of picking up leaves and trimming bushes!

I just wanted to be a stuntman, a movie star, a free-lancing lone wolf biker, just something cool!

But no, I played video games for ten years... and I still suck at them!

I just let everything get away from me.

"Live in the today, forget about tomorrow." What a joke.

I finish raking the leaves. I've gotten better at least. Maybe it's my lack of motivation to actually slack off anymore.

Skips speaks to me with a smile, "Hey, thanks for that."

"Is there anything else?"

He checks the clipboard, "Nope. You're good for today."

I shrug. I start to walk away until he calls out after me, "Rigby..."

I turn.

"You feeling alright?"

I smile weakly, "You know me. Never been better."

I sulk away in silence.

"If you need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you," I hear from behind me.

Yeah, thanks Skips. Really appreciate it.

I shouldn't be that bitter towards him. He's just trying to help.

I just wish someone would really stop me and demand to know whats wrong. I just want to shout it out. I want some one to actually be there for me! I want to scream it out to everyone I know!

I'm too shy to say anything. I don't have it in me anymore.

Then again, I don't want to tell anyone. No one should be troubling themselves over me. I have done so many bad things at this park: the eggs, the man eating hot dogs, the evil track player, the punchies game, even having Skips kill me! I don't want to worry anyone anymore.

I deserve to be like this...

I walk inside the kitchen.

I need to get out of the house.

Maybe hanging out with a friend would cheer me up.

I pick up the phone and dial the number.

The ear piece rings in my ear as I slouch my back against the wall.

"Hello, Quintel residence," I hear from the other end.

"Hey. It's me."

Margaret replies to my call, "Oh, hey Rigby! -No, stop! Put that down!- MOM! He hit me! Jake, play nice with your sister! Anyways, what's up?"

"Uh, well, nothing much. Is Mordecai there?"

"Ohh, I'm sorry. He's out on a business trip to Seattle."

"F-for the art expo, right?"

"Yeah. He was pretty excited about it."

I twiddle the cord of the landline phone in my fingers, "Good. T-that's good. I'm glad for him... Do you know when he'll be coming back?"

"He'll be back around next Friday. Do you want me to let you know he called?"

"N-no. I was just wondering if-"

"Oh, jeez, Caleb! Stop! No-, ugh! Hey, I've got to go. Duty calls."

I chuckle in sympathy, "Heh, yeah. So, it was nice talking to-"

She hangs up.

I stand there with the phone in my hands for a good minute. The annoyance of nnngg nnngg nnngg eventually forces me to hang up the phone.

Mordecai actually did something with his life. We were always the best of friends: running around, being a nuisance, slacking off from work. It was about two or three years after we started working that he considered going back to art school. I encouraged him. He studied for some type of arts degree. Then he left the Park to become an art consultant. We were also so damn proud of him. Pops, Skips, Benson, everyone was ecstatic for him.

I just never wanted to see him go. I didn't want to be alone here...

Then there was her. For years, I teased him about Margaret. In the end, he made his move. They dated. Then they got engaged. Then he was gone. We've hardly kept in touch. He's too busy with his new job, his wife, and his kids. We promised to hang out often. I should have known we would never see each other. I don't know what I expected.

I'm jealous... okay? Is that what you were waiting for, huh?! Yeah, I wish I had actually done something instead of just sitting on my ass playing video games.

I make minimum wage! I don't know what else I expect from that! Yeah, I have Mordecai's mattress now that he moved out. Big F-ing promotion, I know!

I just... I-...

There is one thing I regret though.

I shuffle up to my room. My feet drag across the ground. Losing Mordecai was bearable. Living the same life every day? It's alright. But there's one thing that I have not been able to let go of. I kick myself every night for this. How stupid am I?

I walk over to the dresser. I pull out a framed picture. It's from a few years ago. We went on some stupid hike to find a dumb killer bear or something ridiculous like that. It was the four of us: Me, Mordecai, Margaret, and...

My thumbs run over the picture as I hold it in my hands.

It was a picture of Eileen and I standing in front of the cave.

Eileen...

She was special. No, she was more than that! She was the dorkiest, clumsiest, most self-absorbed, most socially awkward bookworm I've ever met in my entire life... and I loved every part about her.

Ever since we met, I could tell she had a crush on me. I don't know what she saw in me. My younger self kept thinking she must have loved my cool, slick looks and my dashing charm and wisdom. Now, I just think she used me as a mirror. She always had self-confidence issues, and she never felt like the prettiest flower in the garden. Maybe she just looked at how bad I was so she could say to herself that at least she wasn't like that shitbag!

I hated her for so long. I shrugged her off so much. Every time she tried to be friendly, I was bitter. Every time she, Mordecai, Margaret, and I went as a group, I would avoid her at all costs.

I was "too good" for her. I was the king of everything! I was Rigby, the coolest kid to ever exist ever!

It was only in the later years that I actually saw how great she was. I don't know what came over me, I just really liked her all of a sudden. I think it started whenever reality started fighting back. It was only after Mordecai moved out that I realized how much time I wasted.

That's when I connected with her. Her social awkwardness, her shy personality, her clumsiness was everything I had. Behind those beautiful hazel eyes, I saw myself. It was like looking at my own reflection.

I should have said something.

I was too shy to go out with her. She kept pressuring me, but we were both too scared of what the other would say.

She's married to someone else...

I wish to God I could have just screamed out how I felt! I would give anything just to say, "I love you!"

I'm crying at her memory.

The tears fall gently onto the framed picture of us. I wipe them away.

I set it up on my nightstand.

My body shakes as I sob uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry," I mutter in between cries. I'm expected some kind of miracle.

Maybe just saying the very words will put God's hand in this! What the hell am I even talking about? Of course there's no God. There's nobody. At least, there isn't anybody looking out for me.

I lay back on my bed. Tears still stream from my eyes.

"This is all my fault. All of it. I don't deserve anything."

I tell myself these things aloud.

I'm right for once.

I have no one to blame but myself.

It just sucks being me.

The world feels like its against me.

Thomas is some top shot engineer.

Benson moved in with Audrey and now owns all of Maellerd parks.

Muscle Man has an underground boxing league. High Fives Ghost is his manager.

And here I am, laying in the same room I've had for ten years at the same job I never seemed to leave.

I just want one night where I'm not me anymore. I wish I was my brother, or Mordecai, or Benson, or someone!

There's no question what I'll be doing ten years later, or the ten after that.

I know I deserve all of this.

I know this is who I made myself to be.

But... can I please get a break?!

For once?!

ANYONE?!

Nope...?!

Of course not...

I didn't think so...

The universe just refuses to let Rigby have at least one night of sleep where I don't feel guilty for everything.

The universe just will not let me sleep...

Thank you for the read!