Title: Choices
Pairing: Connor and Angel
Rating: T
Feedback: You bet your bottom dollar I do, review or email me.
Disclaimer: I don't own zip worth suing for. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and other's own Angel and its characters. This is just a different idea on how the episode could have gone.
Summary: This story starts near the end of 'Inside Out' in Season four. My fic starts during Connor talking to Darla but instead of Connor not trusting her he does and begins to listen to his own voice. When Darla and Connor first begin speaking I've used dialogue from the show verbatim but began to change it to fit in with how I wanted the story to progress. I feel like I'm cheating using somebody else words but I wanted to set the scene and show Connor changing his mind about following Cordelia.
Side Note: Also I'm not 100 sure whether I believe that Darla was really the real Darla. She might have been the First trying to stop Jasmine from taking over Earth because that's what it had planned or The Powers That Be projected a version of Darla, as she would have been as a good guy, with all of Darla's memories. Or there is the theory that when humans turn into vamps they die, so there soul goes to heaven (or whatever) and then they become a vamp (demon). But then if that's true why would Angel have to atone for the things he did when he was soulless – could her one selfless act of killing herself so Connor could live be enough to earn redemption? Anyway I didn't mean to confuse or start a debate I was just pondering aloud. It probably was Darla and I'm just over thinking it.
Choices
Connor is in the stark looking room with the girl he's holding prisoner. The girl is awake now, crying, sitting on the floor. Darla is squatting next to her; they both look up at Connor.
"They hate us... because we're special". Connor said to Darla.
"I don't hate you. Please". The crying girl said, her voice full of pleading mistakenly thinking Connor was speaking to her.
"They're scared because of what you've done not because of what you are". Darla said looking up in to Connor's face.
"They wanted to kill me when I was still inside of you". Connor shouted full of growing anger and pain.
Darla stood up and said "But that changed when they saw you, held you in their arms, felt the warmth of your skin, the goodness in your heart." Her voice held conviction.
"And it will happen again when they hold my child." He looked at the girl "It's the only way" He paused and then looked from the crying girl to Darla. "Isn't it?" He asked. With Cordelia not near by to whisper in his ear his certainty began to waver.
"You have a choice, Connor. That is something more precious then you'll ever know." Darla told him sweetly.
"What choice? They're hunting us like animals!" He said, just thinking about how the others were pursuing Cordelia and himself filled the young man with rage.
Darla walked up to Connor and spoke softly but with an edge to her voice "Because you're acting like one. As a vampire I killed without mercy or remorse because I didn't have a soul. What's your excuse?"
Connor shook his head "You think I wanna do this?" he asked.
"Then don't." Darla said simply.
Connor was nearly in tears; Darla began to feel a change in his mood. "I have to, I don't have a choice". He said beginning to sound confused.
"Why?" She gestured into the next room where Cordelia was still chanting. "Because she told you? There are things happening, Connor, things that I can't" she gave a exasperated sigh "It has to be your choice. You can stop this." Now it was Darla's voice full of pleading as she begged her son to see sense.
"Her blood for our baby's. It's fair, isn't it?" Connor asked, although he wasn't sure whom he was asking the question to.
"Please" said the weeping girl "I wanna go home".
"Listen to her Connor" turning from Connor and looking down at the girl. "She's an innocent, don't you protect them from evil?" Asked Darla, turning back to face him. "We shared a soul once. I feel the pain, the anger, the hurt; you're feeling like it was my own". Darla walked up to Connor and looked him in the eyes. "But most of all, I feel the good in you and no matter how much you're beaten or twisted or lied to, it's still there in your heart. I know it, and deep down, you know it, too".
Connor couldn't hold back the tears any longer, finally he let the tears fall, and they streamed down his face. He had a look of confusion on his face as he contemplated the young girl cowering in the corner. He no longer looked the part of the strong warrior but of a little boy.
He blinked and closed his eyes, shutting out the noise of the crying girl and of the voice of Darla and finally the voice of Cordelia. He shut out all the voices and began to hear his own. The voice was asking question after question all about whether or not he was doing the right thing, if Cordelia was right, if everything she had said about Angel and the others was true. How could killing a girl be a good why to bring a baby into the world? He had experienced death from a young age; did he want the same thing for his child?
Connor opened his eyes and moved over to the girl a grim look of determination on his face. For an instance Darla looked worried but then as he knelt down to untie the bound hands of the girl he had been holding captive Darla gave a small smile of relief.
"Shhhhh. Shhh. Its okay." Connor told the whimpering girl in a hushed tone, trying to sound calm.
"You're all right now. Everything's going to be all right". Darla said and Connor wasn't sure if she was speaking to the girl or to him.
At that moment Cordelia walked into the room and took in what Connor was doing " What are you doing?" She asked glaring at him.
Connor froze and then quickly dropped his hands from the girls bound hands.
"Nothing. I, uh— " He couldn't think of anything to say so the sentence just hung in the air unfinished. Cordelia looked at him for a moment but was distracted from pushing the issue further by a contraction, when the pain ebbed away she straighten up and looked calmly over at Connor.
"It's time. Take her in the other room". Cordelia instructed Connor as he stood up.
"Listen to your heart" Darla told Connor.
"She didn't do anything. We should let her go". Connor shouted out to Cordelia hoping that she would agree but knowing that it wouldn't be that easy.
"No we shouldn't. We need her, Connor. Our baby—" Cordelia said slowly but strongly as she rubbed her protruding belly tenderly.
"Shouldn't be anointed with innocent blood". Connor said interrupting her, wondering why Cordelia couldn't see it his way.
"Anointed?" Said an angry Cordelia. " Who's been filling your head with big, confusing words?"
Connor turned away from Cordelia and began pacing. "Just been thinking about it". He said flippantly.
"Or, maybe... a little birdie's been pecking at you behind my back". Cordelia said eyeing the empty room with a strange look in her eye.
"She'll lie to you". Darla told Connor.
"You know how much they love to use the magic, Connor. A spell for this, a spell for that." Cordelia said coaxingly to her lover as she still looked over the room.
"Close her out, baby". Darla said, with what sounded to Connor like love in her voice.
"Whatever you're hearing, whatever you think you're seeing—it's a trick". Cordelia said now looking straight towards Darla, sensing something but yet not quite seeing.
"Don't let her in". Said Darla.
"Enough" Shouted Connor, silencing both women, the only sound in the room coming from the sobs of the girl. He had enough of their voices filling his head trying to twist him this way and that. The desperation in their voices rang out clearly in his own.
"Cordelia we're not killing anyone. If anyone does come for our baby I'll stop them, but I won't kill an innocent girl for no reason."
Cordelia pulled a smooth white oval stone out her pocket and holding it up to her mouth whispered a magic word and then aimed the stone at Connor. Before he knew it Connor had been flung across the room and against the wall, hitting his head in the process. Even as Connor was flying through the air Cordelia was grabbing the girl by her wrists and pulling her into the next room.
"No". Said the weeping girl pathetically as she was dragged across the floor. But Cordelia didn't even register her.
Cordelia put the girl on the ground in the centre of the circle where she had been chanting before. Just as she let go Connor had gotten to his feet and was running towards them. But he was too late just as he reach the circle Cordelia had swung a butcher's knife at the girls head.
Connor just stood there unable to move, watching Cordelia murder the girl. Listening to the sounds of blood spattering as Cordelia made the killing blow, he was dimly aware of the blood spraying his face, it felt like light rain and was just as cool. The girl collapsed in the middle of the circle, he stared down at her face. For a second it was Darla's face staring back at him, her face still and trapped forever in a look of horror. Panic stricken Connor blinked and Darla's face was gone and there laid the girl again, the pain and terror of her final moment on earth etched on her face and in her eyes that were full of fear. He would never forget her face or the feelings it invoked in him.
"There. That wasn't so hard, was it? Cordelia said remorselessly.
Cordelia heaved the blood soaked dead girl outside of the circle, Connor watched in terrified silence. Cordelia grunted as she lowered herself on to the floor and laid herself down on bedding inside the circle.
"Connor, we have to do this" Cordelia writhed in pain "while it's fresh." She said grunting through the pain of the contractions.
Connor stared at the girl's body; the girl's eye's opened and staring back up at him...judging him. He felt her blood spattered on his face and it burned with the shame and guilt he felt. Connor looked away from the girl and than to Cordelia who is watching him expectedly.
"I can't" Connor took a step back and watched Cordelia's face change as if a mask had fallen from it, her face was filled with contempt and loathing.
"You pathetic, worthless, child" Grunting, groaning and holding her stomach Cordelia rolled over slightly and stretching out her hand she dipped her palm into a pool of the dead girl's blood that had been pooling beside the circle.
"Vanu'esh. Katahn darh'im. Vajra'ha'esh." Cordelia chanted whilst she writhed around in pain
Connor just watched her not knowing what to do. Cordelia dropped backwards on to the bedding, relief showing on her face to be lying flat down again.
"Vanu'esh. Katahn darh'im. Vajra'ha'esh. ...darh'im..." Cordelia chanted weakly, quickly she pulled up her top revealing her swollen belly and placed her hand on top of it, leaving a bloody imprint screamed and the building started to shake around them.
"Cordy! Something's wrong. We have to stop it." Connor shouted frighten by the pain Cordelia is in – is that normal? He wondered, as she screamed and wailed, the building continued to shake.
"No, it's coming." Cordy laughs and suddenly she doesn't sound like Cordelia to Connor anymore "It's coming. The beginning of a new world." Cordelia said her voice sounding powerful and different.
"Or not." Said a voice from behind Connor.
Connor turned to see Angel standing behind him with a sword in his hand. Connor stood to face him, he wasn't sure what side he was on anymore but he felt the instinct to protect his child and went with it. Angel approached Connor as Cordelia lay in the circle, writhing in the pain of childbirth.
"She lied to you, Connor." Angel told his son.
"Don't listen!" Cordelia screams from her place on the floor.
"To all of us. That's not Cordelia." Angel shouts out to Connor, who faltered for a moment as he thought of the way Cordelia had been acting.
"Kill him! Kill him, Connor!" Shouts Cordelia.
'My baby' is all Connor could think of and so Connor swung at his father. Angel bent his upper body backwards and Connor fist missed him by inches. Quickly Angel swings a punch and knocks Connor to the ground "You think I wanna do this? I don't have a choice!" Angel shouts so he can be heard above the noise coming from the shaking of the building and Cordelia's screaming.
With Connor briefly out of the way Angel holding his sword firmly walks up to Cordelia, who doesn't move. She grunts in pain, and glares up defiantly at Angel who brings back the sword over his head
"I'm so sorry." Angel said looking at the face of Cordelia and hoping that where ever the real Cordy was she could hear him.
"Don't be" Connor said as he tackled his father and drove him across the room and on to the ground.
Cordelia threw her head back and gave a throaty laugh.
"You're not going to kill her dad…" Connor told his father picking up Angel's sword.
He turned his attention back to Cordelia and looked longingly into her eyes. Cordelia threw her head back and screamed in pain and joy as she had her last contraction. When Angel had knocked him down he had shut his eyes and blocked out all the noise, even his own thoughts. He had listen to his heart and his gut, this was all wrong and Angel was right Cordelia had to be stopped but he wouldn't let anyone else hurt her.
"…I am" Connor finished as he swung the sword up and brought the length of the blade down against her neck, Cordelia had had a chance to blink before she saw the edge of the blade coming down before she died. Around them the building and the rest of L.A continued to shake as if in outcry over Cordelia's death.
When the blade had gone clear through her neck, Cordelia's head rocked backwards and rolled to a stop. Connor dropped to his knees and buried his head into her blood-splattered chest.
Angel had watched the scene play out in slow motion; he fought back tears and got to his feet. Cordy lay decapitated and the rumbling began to subside. He couldn't bring himself to speak; he stood behind Connor, looking down at his son who had his head pressed against Cordy's body, his weeping causing the body to shudder with every cry that escaped his lips.
All of Angel's emotions rose inside of him and seem lodged in his throat; he didn't know what to do. Just as he turned away in turmoil he watched a flaming meteor fly past the window and the building shook, apart of the ceiling caved in and crashed down a few meters away from them. They had to get out of here and back to the Hotel.
He didn't know how to separate Connor from Cordy; he knew that no words would be sufficient. That's when he remembered how he had comforted Connor as a baby; how he would pick him up, hold him close to his chest and talk softly to him.
So leaning down he picked the weeping Connor up. Connor started to silently protest but Angel just carried on, letting Connor fling his fists against him until Connor was in his arms.
"Shh I've got you" Angel whispered into his son's ear and slowly Connor stopped hitting Angel and became limp in his father's arms.
"What about Cordy…" Connor said as he pressed his head to his father's chest unable to look at her body.
"I'll come back for her don't worry, we have to get you home now" Angel told him.
He carried Connor through the streets of L.A, which was deserted except for Vamps and Demons running riot. They seemed to know better then to come near the father and son.
Lorne and Fred where sat behind the reception desk playing a game of cards. They were trying to keep their minds off the raining balls of fire, eternal night and of course the end of the world but weren't having much luck. They had been playing the same game of 'Go Fish' for nearly an hour, whilst Lorne threw back Sea breezes and Fred kept going over equations in her head to help her stay calm.
Gunn was stood up, resting his right foot on a sofa and sharpening an axe, he was staring into space and thinking about the last few years. On the same sofa sat Wesley re-reading one of his books hoping to find an answer that he had missed the first ten times around.
When the Hotel doors opened all the gang looked up and stood, Angel walked in carrying a still Connor in his arms. Even though Connor was looking subdued Gunn still held on to his axe tightly, he had learnt not to take chances with that kid.
They all wanted to ask Angel what had happen but they could tell by the look on his face that now wasn't the right time.
Without speaking Angel carried Connor through the lobby and up the staircase, the others just stood there looking up after him as he made his way. When he disappeared from view they all looked at each other, wondering what to say or do.
Lorne's brow furrowed and he gave a deep sad sigh, walked over and fell on to the curved couch.
"Lorne?" Fred asked sitting beside him and putting her hand on his shoulder.
"Cordy's dead," He said sadly gazing up the empty staircase as if the father and son where still there.
"How can you…I mean neither of them spoke…maybe…" said Fred quietly, hoping for the best. She knew that if Cordy died before giving birth then the world would be saved but still apart of her hoped that Angel never killed Cordelia, that he had found another way to save the world and keep Cordy alive. But then why would Angel return with Connor and no Cordy?
"Oh Honey as soon as they came through that door I knew that something was wrong. Grief, guilt and sadness they both reek of it" Lorne told her, still gazing at the stairs.
"Then Cordelia is dead" Wesley said softly. He thought of her as first the young girl from Sunnydale and then as the strong independent woman she had become in L.A. He looked down at the floor as tears fell down each cheek; this was one time he didn't try to keep composed in front of his friends.
Gunn just stood there motionless, after his sister death and leaving his street gang everyone at Angel's Investigations had become like family to him. Losing Cordy was like losing another sister.
Angel carried Connor to his bedroom and placed him on the bed, as soon as he hit the mattress Connor rolled over so his back was towards Angel. The kid was a mess and his father wasn't to far behind him.
Looking at Connor, Angel experienced the worst pain and remorse he had ever felt in his life, this was worst then feeling the pain over the thousands of unspeakable acts of horror he had performed, even worse then leaving Buffy. His son was in pain, filled with despair and it was his fault, he should have been able to protect his son better.
Connor had never known true love, Holtz had taken him and brainwashed him. Leaving him alone as a child to fend for himself so he would become a warrior – that was another form of child abuse as far as Angel was concerned and then of course Connor finds himself in LA. Holtz dies and suddenly he is truly alone and then one bad thing after another keeps happening until one day Cordy or whatever was speaking through Cordy shows him love. But the love was a lie and he helped Cordy take an innocent girls life, but then Connor made the ultimate sacrifice by killing the one thing he loved the most.
How could Angel help his son? How could he teach Connor all about the good in the world and help heal the years of pain that the boy had suffered? The answer was he didn't know how or even if there was a way.
Angel had stayed with Connor until he had fallen into a fitful sleep; he stood watching over him as if he was a baby again. Slowly and quietly Angel left the room walking backwards, he paused in the doorway and watched Connor for a moment before pulling the door too. Even with the door separating them he could still hear and smell his son but Connor wasn't the only one he could sense. He whirled around and shot his hand out grabbing a throat and pushing the person against the wall, he knew his friends and this wasn't one of them.
Attacking the stranger had only taken a blink of an eye, when he finally had the person against the wall he had time to take everything in. It was Liliah, still beautiful and not to mention very much alive, in a purple figure hugging dress and matching scarf wrapped around her neck.
"Liliah?" He released his hold on her a fraction so she could speak.
"Hey Angel, be careful with the neck will yea I just got it fixed" She said smiling seductively and cocking an eyebrow. Angel let go of her neck and step backwards until his back was against the opposite wall.
"What is it Liliah, because I'm having a really bad day and if you just turned up to haunt my ass then I swear to God I'll take your head right off your shoulders" He paused and then added "again".
"Not that I wouldn't mine haunting your ass" She tilted her head sideways and gazed at his rear before straightening up and meeting his eyes again "But I'm here for something bigger, I'm here to offer Team Angel something that you'd be fools to pass up on". She gave him a cocky smile.
And so Liliah told Angel about how please Wolfram and Hart were about Angel and Co stopping World Peace that would have come about at the hands of Cordy/Connor's child. And how Wolfram and Hart would hand over the company to him to run.
"And if you agree you'll also get a necklace and documents that might help a certain blonde ex of yours over in Sunnydale". As Liliah added this last part she gave a knowing broad smile.
Angel tensed at the mention of Buffy but had to admit the offer to run Wolfram and Hart and help Buffy out did make him curious.
"What's in it for you" Angel asked watching Liliah's face for any trace of deception.
"Nothing. Don't you get it you stopped World Peace, they feel like they owe you".
"What does the necklace do?" Angel asked folding his arms across his chest.
"The documents I'll give you will explain everything but apparently the wearer will bring about the end of the hell mouth once and for all" She said folding her arms in front of herself like Angel.
Angel thought it over, would the others agree to work there? Wouldn't he be able to fight Wolfram and Hart better from in side the belly of the beast? Angel's hearing picked up the steady breathing of his son and his eye's narrowed as he looked at Liliah.
"You have to do something extra for me if I agree"
"What?"
"Connor. You'll help him. You'll take him and place a spell over him and everyone else, no one but me will remember I ever had a son. Connor can go live with a nice family somewhere and be a normal kid, he won't ever remember the life he had with Holtz, killing Cordelia…or me". He felt like that was the only option he had, the only thing he could do to make his son better.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"I'll see what I can do but I'm sure it'll be no problem…if you agree that is" Liliah added unfolding her arms and letting them hang by her side.
"I'll have to talk with the others first"
"Of course, I'll give you some time to talk it over. At midnight they'll be a limousine waiting out front, any one who wants to accept the Partners offer should be waiting outside for it" Liliah said before turning and walking down the hall and disappearing around the corner.
Angel watched the now empty hallway and thought about how many different ways it could be a trap but it had been along day and so he just gave a sigh and walked towards the top of the staircase.
As he was about to go down stairs he heard his bedroom door open and he turned to see Connor stood there looking pale and weary he used the doorframe to support his weight and he stared at Angel. Angel took a step towards his son and waited for Connor to speak when he didn't Angel opened his mouth but Connor beat him to it.
"I heard just about everything you and Liliah said. Don't do it" To Angel it seemed to take everything Connor had to stand there and talk without collapsing from the emotional strain of the evening.
"Connor, about taking over Wolfram and Hart that's not even important. And helping Buffy stop the end of the world would be a good thing to do but all I'm thinking about here is you. Connor I need to help you and this is the only way I can think of. If I agree they'll give you a normal life, a normal family and you won't have to remember all the pain and hurt you've had to endure." Angel's voice cracked he looked away from his son's eyes to stop himself from crying. "Don't you see? This way you can truly be happy."
"Right now all I want to do is die, it hurts so bad. I know that I didn't have a choice with Cordy, that I had to…" Connor faltered for a second, he took a moment to gather the will to go on before he continued. "As hard as it is to remember all the bad things that have happen to know that I'll never have a normal life, I'd rather know all that then not remember any of it. I don't want to forget Cordy…and you. It's going to be hard I don't doubt that, but I need to get through it because that's what people do, they make choices good and bad and have to live with the consequences." Connor felt empty, a shell. He felt calm and devoid of emotion, he could see his life clearly for the first time and as he looked at Angel he didn't feel any of the usual hate or anger towards him.
"I'm you dad Connor and it's my job to protect you and I've done a really lousy job so far." At this Angel felt a few tears fall down his cheek but he didn't move to wipe them away. "I just want to take the hurt away, I wish that you never had and never would have to experience any of the bad things in this world. I just want you to be safe and happy"
"I know. I wish you could to. What I want now is to be alone for a while and maybe get some sleep. If you want to help me dad then just keep doing what you're doing, being there for me." With that Connor turned and laid himself down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Angel shut the bedroom door and stood there a while with his head resting against it. His life had never been easy, even when he was a live but right at that moment it seemed to be the hardest it had ever been.
Angel pulled back from the door and thought about what Connor had said, hearing him say dad without a hint of sarcasm or malice had made him want to pull Connor to him and never let go. Connor was a man now, no matter how many times Angel saw Connor as a little baby in his arms, and a man had a right to make his own decisions.
He stood by the top of the stairs and sat down on the top step. It would be selfish to ignore Connor's wishes and make him forget everything…but Angel just wanted to protect his son, since the moment he was born that's all he ever wanted. A memory flashed in his mind, Darla killing herself, being selfless to let Connor live, that's what being a parent was all about putting your child first.
He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands; a good thing that would give Connor a normal life wasn't the right thing, letting him suffer through his grief and coming out on the other side a stronger person that was what Connor needed and wanted. Angel gave a deep sigh and wished Cordelia was there to help him, but she wasn't and never would be again. If someone had said to him back in Sunnydale that Cordelia would end up not only being his friend, link to an almighty power and become to be like family to him he would have laughed but that's what happen. They had become a family and he wondered if this is what Buffy felt with her friends, when so often back then he had felt like an outsider. He dropped his hands from his eyes and shaking his head stood up, he couldn't think about Cordy now, later he would grieve her loss but right now he had to be strong for his friends and for Connor.
Angel began to center his thoughts as he walked downstairs, they would think over Wolfram and Harts offer and in the next couple of days he'll head off to Sunnydale to help Buffy with her big bad and then he would return home to L.A and to his family.
The End