Chapter 1 – Enter Uchiha Itaichi
Uchiha Itachi was a methodical man. He would research a topic, find a conclusion, and formulate a plan. Before acting, he would re-assess his options repeatedly. When his decision had been made, it was final.
Thus, as he entered the secret tunnels of the Uchiha Compound, he knew, without doubt, that this was the correct choice.
Senju Tsunade. Bound by precise chakra-sapping metal coils.
Jiraiya no Sennin. Drugged to remove all chakra control, held down by three women.
Mitarashi Anko. Sent Orochimaru's Akatsuki ring.
Uchiha Sasuke. A picture of Shimura Danzo's right arm.
None of these people would pose threat, though their arrangements had been troubling to procure. In the end, these precautions would be required.
More simplistic resolutions were found for the rest.
Sarutobi Hiruzen. A faint smile, and directions.
Yamanaka Ino. A few words about being Sasuke's elder brother.
Akimichi Chouji. A plate of beef, and promise to cause no harm.
Nara Shikamaru. Itachi asked politely.
Aburame Shino. Threatened with an empty can of bug spray.
Inuzuka Kiba. A fifty ryo dare.
Hyuuga Hinata. The promise of a counter-seal to the mark that enslaved half of her clan.
Haruno Sakura. Patented Uchiha sex appeal (tm).
Uzumaki Naruto. 'Hokage-sized' bowl of ramen.
Hatake Kakashi. Clothed in explosive tags.
Yuuhi Kurenai. Bound by grape vines. Illusion, of course.
Sarutobi Asuma. Weapons confiscated, lighter and cigarettes given.
Maito Gai. Written promise of explanation.
As a result of his cautious planning, the rest of the pieces fell into place.
Hyuuga Neji. Ordered to come along, by the clan heir. Probably a test subject.
Tenten. Followed Tsunade, her childhood idol.
Rock Lee. Dragged by the ear.
Subaku no Gaara. Kidnapped by Anko.
Subaku no Temari. Chased Anko
Subaku no Kankuro. Dragged by the ear.
Kirabi. The Sandaime Hokage called in a debt in Kumo.
Hoshigaki Kisame. Partners in Akatsuki, partners in everything else.
Itachi set up the projector, holding down the urge to laugh maniacally.
On days like this, he felt, almost, glad to be a missing nin.
How else could one discover the internet?
Go watch the first episode of Naruto – the AnimeOne Subtitled set is what I'm using for this.
"Itachi-kun. Why have you returned?" Hiruzen inquired. His face was passive, expressing only mild concern.
The elder Uchiha smiled, his lips thin and pale, holding back uproarious laughter. "Six years ago, I was ordered to destroy the Uchiha clan, and prevent their movement towards civil war. I relinquished my family, for the sake of the village. Now, I act once more, to prevent peril."
Sasuke slumped down. The Hokage was nodding...The Uchiha planned a coup? Itachi was innocent? Sasuke was driven by revenge, but not yet blinded by it. He concluded his brother to be telling the truth...But...How the hell could he accept it?
Allowing for a moment of silence, Itachi clipped a wire to the side of his head, connected to a projector.
"Five thousand years from now, the world we live in is but a fictional tale, enjoyed by many, and believed by none. Somehow, through highly advanced technology, they have captured scenes of our future, and displayed them to the public, for their own amusement...Through the power of my Sharingan, I have procured this information, and will now show you all what will happen, should no action be taken."
Severalminutespassed,asheclarifiedforthelessintellectuallygifted – He had a show of them in the future. They were going to watch it.
Then,theywatchedthefirstepisodeofNaruto.
"What does this have to do with me?" Tsunade demanded angrily. Still self-centered, still caught in the past, she had no interest in some stupid brat's plight. Why did this S-ranked criminal care?
And what the hell did he mean, he was ordered to off his clan?
"You come in later. Right now, the famed Legendary Sucker is wasting away at a bar, useless and pathetic."
Itachi wasn't exactly one to sugar-coat things. And, having already seen the whole thing, he was far from impressed by her antics.
Damned if he'd have a lush as Hokage.
Naruto, meanwhile, smiled contentedly. Iruka-sensei acknowledged him as a person...Didn't he?
Not yet, he hadn't learned such a technique.
"Ano, Uchiha-san...If Naruto is the Kyuubi, who are the other eight?" Sakura raised her hand, as if trying to clarify a portion of a textbook.
Kirabi pointed at himself with eight fingers. Subtle.
Gaara showed a '1' in large bold with his sand, over his head. Subtle.
Naruto's face fell. Nobody acknowledged him...
Itaichi pointedly ignored her. "As you can see, we have already uncovered a traitor's plot, and discovered a highly classified secret...What else have we discovered?"
None spoke, for a moment.
And then... "Now we know who really saved Konoha, twelve years ago."
Sasuke was smiling lightly.
Naruto nearly sniffled.
SASUKE, was the first to notice him, to realize that he was a person?
"Die, Naruto!" Mizuki sent a massive Shuriken flying at the blond.
"Where do I buy Shuriken like that?" Tenten, with no coaching, rewound to the scene with Mizuki attacking Iruka.
Somehow.
"Uchiha clan hack-off. Not legal to buy here, so he must have either had them since my clan was destroyed, or..." Sasuke grumbled darkly, twirling a legitimate, fold-up model.
The women holding Jiraiya down were fascinated by emotionally disturbed teens, and became rather excited. As a result, the man they had pinned down passed out.
Itaichi actually had to struggle to suppress a chuckle. Genjutsu was such fun...
"Maah, Hokage-sama...You think the Iwa border skirmishes will cause any casualties in the near future?" Kakashi pondered.
Posting Mizuki out there, and giving someone orders to start shit up, would deal with the situation cleanly.
"If the Chuunin patrols worry you so, Kakashi, I shall take it upon myself to assist their training efforts...By any means necessary, I will preserve the Flames of Youth!" Gai crowed, flashing a thousand-watt grin.
He preferred to work traitors to the bone, and make them rethink making Maito Gai a foe.
Hiruzen sighed. "We shall see...For the moment, I wish to understand the implications of these foretold events."
Translation: Shut up, and let me think for a minute.
"Ain't it obvious, old man? We get a live test of our security!" Sarutobi Asuma puffed, blasting his father with the fumes. Wind chakra was amusing.
Kurenai cut in. "Additionally, the opportunity arises to garner jutsu from that scroll, without sending a request to your advisors, Hokage-sama. Such a chance is surely worth the effort of inaction..."
After all, a good third of that scroll was filled with nightmare-fuel Genjutsu.
"And I get a new toy to play with..." Anko grinned, sliding closer to her target. "Gaki, with that much chakra, you must have godly stamina."
Naruto blushed.
He wasn't an idiot. He just didn't like textbooks.
Ino, a proud member of the Yamanaka Clan, brought the screen back to show Naruto evading Chuunin – Tenten helped her figure it out.
Naruto ducked out from under his Camouflage Tarp. "Too Easy."
"How, exactly, do you pull this shit off? They're goddamn Chuunin - they should have nabbed you in a heartbeat! You aren't even a Genin!"
Chouji laughed. "Naruto always won at 'hide and seek', even the one time he had a limp...I think he's just a natural genius with stealth." then, looking at a spot on his shirt, that, to that day, had yet to wash out, he added "...And traps. Definitely traps."
Shikamaru nodded – though he may have just found it too much effort to hold his head up, at that moment. "The Academy only evaluates knowledge, Ninjutsu, and basic proficiency in weapons. Taijutsu users have to train on their own, even though there are competitive matches. Genjutsu, stealth, trapping, and advanced weapon users are at a disadvantage. As is tradition, things haven't changed, because it hasn't directly killed anyone."
"Don't forget the history lessons. They glorify things that get people killed." Naruto remarked airily, pushing a kunai through the hole of a shuriken. According to stories about the Sandaime Hokage, it was as easy as swinging a sword around, and an effective counter for anything with a hole in it.
Never mind the accuracy and ammo required.
Sakura hit him – harder than usual – and sent him sprawling towards the wall.
"Urusei, kitsune no baka! You wouldn't understand the way we humans do things."
Hiruzen decided, at that moment, to choose a successor. A.S.A.P. He was too old for this shit.
Aburame Shino hesitantly spoke up. "Naruto-san's chakra reserves seem abnormally deep...Why, you ask, do I notice this? A mere Bunshin should not appear sickly, as it is a mere refraction of light, unless absurd amounts of chakra are used. Also, accomplishing enough training to learn a single Jutsu within a handful of hours is generally fatal, as a result of excessive Chakra expenditure."
Gaara just stared at Naruto. He had that much chakra?
Mother would be pleased -
"Doesn't matter." Temari cut into Gaara's psychotic thoughts. "He can't control it, and has practically no training."
Naruto pouted. "It's not my fault they kicked me out when we were learning how to access chakra..."
"You mean you figured it out yourself?" Kankuro demanded, eyes bugging out.
"Yeah..."
Hinata slumped against a wall, blood leaking from her nose.
Jiraiya stopped pretending to be asleep. "What the hell..."
Neji responded, his voice thick with a dry humour. "Congratulations, Naruto-sama. You are now, by Hyuuga custom, wed to Hinata-sama."
Everyone recoiled in shock, except the ever-stoic Uchiha murderer.
He chuckled.
"Wasn't that custom taken out of use a full decade ago?"
"No. People stopped falling for it, and kept to themselves more."
Lee cocked his head to the side, producing a sickening crack.
The Branch Hyuuga explained. "There are two forms of chakra control: Practical, and Raw. Practical Chakra Control is taught. All shinobi learn it in the same manner. Raw Chakra Control is much more instinctual. It is a rare trait, originating within the fabled Rikudo Sennin. As such, it indicates tremendous potential power. By Hyuuga tradition, should a member of the Main Branch of the Hyuuga Clan witness, outside of missions, the utilization of Raw Chakra Control, that person shall be engaged to them."
Anko perked up, looking at the shocked, but conscious, Hinata. "Can we share?"
Silence reigned.
The few rebuttals possible, on any side, required a level of comfort with the current situation, and all present were extremely nervous. They were in a room filled with people so freakishly strong, they could, quite literally in at least one case, shatter mountains.
Of course, some people just cannot tolerate awkward silence.
Such as Kirabi.
"Yo, little Nine,
How'd you get no time?
My ass in a bag,
If I give Kumo's monument a tag!"
Kisame, silent up to that point, nodded in agreement, having found common ground with someone. "Back in Kiri, someone painted a pair of breasts on the outer wall of the Fifth Floor...The Mizukage had them quartered and drawn."
"None of you can do that, can you? But I can! I'm great!" Naruto ran from a group of Chuunin, bucket in hand.
Naruto paled. "Uh, Ji-ji...Thanks for not busting me for last year...Y'know, when I did just that..."
"I never did discover the culprit..." Hiruzen remarked, his eyes twinkling mischeiviously.
As if he had added the rest of the scene.
"...You didn't do that whole picture, did you, Naruto?" Kiba asked slowly, his face frozen in surprise.
"Eh?"
"The picture of...You didn't do it? Holy fuck, Naruto, you painted the tits someone used to gender-bend the fucking Tsuchikage!"
Silence, once more, reigned.
Yes, this is a Fanfic about the Naruto cast watching the Naruto anime. Yes, Itaichi's Sharingan is absurdly powerful – he never was actually 'beaten' cannonically...Oh, except by a disease. Right. Point being, this honestly isn't much of a stretch for the Sharingan – it can control the demons powerful enough to cleanse the world in a few hours.
I tweaked this chapter a bit, mostly cosmetics. The next few chapters should look cleaner.