Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Full Metal Alchemist characters or universe (damn those bastards at the PATENT OFFICE!). This is a comedy fic that takes place after Roy's demotion to East City, with hints of shounen-ai, but more so an invention of my own sick mind. Note, I was very hungry when I wrote this.
Note: Hints of Ed/Roy and Roy/ Riza, but mostly good hearted fun.
I am not really a Roy/ Ed fan, but I found this too tempting to resist. If any of you fan girls out there hate me, just read my story and enjoy the fun!
Finger Lickin' Good
Colonel Roy Mustang
Leader of the military unit of East City
The Flame Alchemist and probably the next Furher...
was hungry
It had been a long week for the raven haired general. First off, not only was the Brigadier General breathing down his neck, along with the fact that he had to cancel five dates to do paperwork, but he also hadn't eaten anything in over 48 hours. He felt like an invalid lying in a puddle of his own drool on his desk, staring at the two foot tall stack of papers that had to be read, inspected, signed, affirmed, and then signed again.
Ah how he longed for the days when he could win scores of girls at a marketplace for lighting a spark, or tower over his staff with glee as they raced to avoid his wrath. But today, everyone was out on an investigation, accompanying some important official, or far too busy with the mess of files that Brigadier Asshole Basque Gran had dumped on them.
And oh, how he longed for a sandwich. Ah yes, a turkey sandwich...with mustard...spicy mustard. Yeeeees, Roy like spiiiicy. He lolled his head towards the door, looking around his pristine office for something edible. He could have sworn a giant steaming pot roast lay in the corner, but knew that the last time he'd tried to eat anything that large, it had turned out to be a standing lamp...that promptly electrocuted him. Colonel Mustang snapped back to reality and sat up; there was no way he'd give in, especially when he was dealing with his mustached hamburger of a superior. He turned to the papers, convincing himself it wasn't a heaping mound of mashed potatoes, and began to write. Whilst writing his signature in loopy letters that mimicked his delirious state of starvation, he thought of the two foot pile, connecting it with a certain pint-sized alchemist that never ceased to cause him trouble.
"Ah, Hagane-no," he mused "maybe someday you'll be able to see me over these papers, but I wonder if you are actually shrinking!" Shrinking like a piece of bacon shrinks in the frying pan....oh how he longed for some bacon...ooooh or a t-bone steak...or a pizza. It occurred to him then that Hagane-no looked like a pizza (It also occurred to him that pizza wasn't a commodity at that time, but neither were shiny leather pants, so I guess we're even). Ah yes, triangular with his male structure...his nest of yellow hair crowned on top of a mesmerizing red coat... all adorned with lightly tanned skin peeking out of the edges. Oh, how he longed for this boy-pizza...his sauciness, his internal fire, his ever-present spice of life.
Little did the colonel know, that very pizza, err I mean alchemist had marched into his office to give his latest report. Roy finally noticed Ed's loud entrance and stared, mesmerized by the yellow, the red, and thought internally, "God, I want pizza".
As Edward Elric took his place at the man's desk, a sudden fear over came him. Roy was eyeing him with a deep desire, fueled by God knows what intensity. Perhaps it was hunger; hunger for what, Ed dared not closer, I can't see you very well." Yes, this was the answer; the answer to Roy's problems! This young boy- cuisine would provide most excellent nourishment! Ed leaned closer, intent on yelling his report in order to startle his disoriented superior, but he never got the chance. The last thing he heard was, "I bet this pizza is delicious..." and Roy's lips were on his, shocking him into a state of submission.
(Cue screaming fan girls here...and...here)
His eyes widened when he felt something moist lick at his lips, so he decided to open his mouth to scream. Bad move. Roy, intent on eating this new form of pizza, tasted the contents of the Pepperoni-no-Renkinjutshushi's mouth.
He was surprised; it didn't taste as good as he'd thought. In fact, he didn't like the taste at all. It tasted like day-old noodles and squid.
And Roy no like squid.
Roy spit the foul taste out of his mouth, along with the pizza, I mean Fullmetal. Ed stared. His mouth still hung agape with a nervous twitch in his eye. His cheeks flushed with red, and he had a sudden urge to transmutate the world's largest bar of soap to stick in his searing mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" erupted from Ed's throat as he zoomed out of the room intent on taking a LONG vacation. Roy stared, his eyes ever so glazed.
"What is Hagane-no's problem?" Roy muttered as he resumed his work. At that moment First Lieutenant Hawkeye returned from an investigation. She stood with perfect posture, her meticulous blue uniform standing out amongst the brown and cream of the room. Roy looked up eyes once again hungering, without any intent of listening to Riza Hawkeye's words. Instead he fixated his gaze toward the delicious looking slice of blueberry pie standing in front of him. "Ah....finger lickin' good," Roy muttered.
It would be a long day for the famished Colonel Roy Mustang.
Owari