Once upon a time on a crisp day there was the lingering fresh sent of plush rump, fresher than the fresh prince of Bel Air himself. It was one of those kinds of days where the only effective way to describe it is "dang, that's one shpadoinkle day" And that's where we meet our roommates for the day. Levi, Eren, and Mikasa had been living together now for about 2 years. Since they all attended the same college, it made this living situation more affordable. Mikasa was your Bay Watch Pamela Anderson type of girl, very well endowed if you know what I mean.
Levi was somewhat shorter than Eren although Levi was of a much heavier build than Eren. Levi loved to work out, his abs were as hard as a Home Depot 2x4, well... In this case with Levi having a six pack, it would be more appropriate to describe it as a solid 2x6. The abs were nice, but that wasn't the only hard thing Levi had. You know what else is hard? The rock in his pants he had decorated in first grade when making pet rocks was all the rage and he has kept it with him in his pants pocket ever since.
Eren was pretty scrawny as a result of his eating habits. He really loved chocolate but after eating it for years he grew sick of it and turned to sour jolly ranchers instead. I guess you could say chocolate was his gateway sugar rush before he moved on to harder candy. (Get it because sour jolly ranchers have a more intense flavor than chocolate and is literally harder than it)
But anyway, we find our trio sitting around a breakfast table, taking turns pouring bowls of their favorite cereal, Hazaa and stuff. It's chocked full of all kinds of worldly oddities, including but nowhere near limited too: a pigs sphincter, broken glass, matted, lice ridden hair, earwigs of unknown life or death status, and if you're lucky maybe even a bar of soap made out of Robert Paulson.
As Levi sat at the table snorting his cereal (you didn't think you could actually eat that stuff did you?) he got a strange thought while looking at his carton of soy milk. "Hey you guys..." Levi said, "how come soy milk is called milk when it doesn't actually come from a milk producing organism? Shouldn't it be called, I dunno... soy juice?" Eren and Mikasa both looked at each other before breaking out into laughter. Eren calmed his laughing first to say, "Well Levi, you win the gold star for the dumbest thing I've heard all morning". Mikasa chimed in next, "Yeah that's totally for sure". Levi was getting aggravated by his friends not taking him seriously. "Well guess what, your face is the dumbest thing I've seen all morning! Besides if you smash up fish you don't call it fish milk, so why is smashed up soy called soy milk?" Levi argued.
Eren didn't like the sound of that. "Whoa man you can't just go around changing the nature order of things! Next thing you know we'll all be drinking apple milk from our milk boxes. And what about feeding infants, would the baby then be suckling a warm helping of breast juice from his mother?"
At that instant everyone's mind simultaneously flashed to images of a woman trying to force her teat into the opening of a juicer, quickly shredding and pulverizing chunks of flesh and allowing a soupy mixture of skin, blood, fat, glandular tissue, and milk to run down into a bottle to feed the baby at a later time.
The trio looked at each other in disgust wondering if the other had seen what they had.
Eren was the first to speak, "That's enough questioning life for today". He abruptly stood from the table, knocking over the box of Hazaa and Stuff in the process. From the box rolled a bottle. "Yo what's that?" said Levi. Eren stooped over the table and examined the bottle before picking it up. "Let's find out" He unscrewed the cap and dumped the contents into his hand, one of which being a note, it read as follows: "Congratulations lucky Hazaa and Stuff consumer. If you are reading this that means you have found a mystical treasure for your enjoyment." Also enclosed were 3 plane tickets and a map titled, "The Answer to Your Greatest Question".
The three all looked at each other in surprise before saying in unison, "SWEET!"
"What are the chances that there would happen to be 3 tickets, that's like one for each of us!" Said Mikasa.
Levi laughed, "Since when did you learn how to count?"
"Shut up Levi!" She playfully punched Levi on the arm before taking one I the tickets from Eren. "Well like according to this, the plane like leaves today in like... 3 hours." She threw her arms up in a cheer. "We should like totally go guys!"
"Where are the tickets to?" Levi asked.
"They're to this place called... Transylvania Island." Eren answered
"Transylvania Island?" Questioned Levi, "we aren't gonna run into Dr. Frank N Furter there are we?" he said while looking slightly afraid.
Eren punched him in the arm, not so playfully as Mikasa. "No doofus! That was just a movie, besides we're going to the island not the planet"
"Oh well sounds fine to me, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Levi replied. So it was official, they were like totally going.
We re-meet our 3 College roommates as their plane is about to land on Transylvania Island where it has been indicated by their map. The island is about the size of Connecticut (yet less haunted) and full of varying geographic features. It looks mostly uninhibited save for a few clearings of land which can be seen from the plane suggesting human existence. As we get closer to the ground we can see how dense the surrounding forest is. The plant life looks like something that crawled out of Little shop of Horrors, though we all know blood thirsty plants can't really be real, could they? The closer you looked, the stranger it got. It would make any onlooker even expect to see a triffid hobbling around amongst the dense trees, but we all know that's fiction too.
After the plane landed, Levi, Eren, and Mikasa exited, and found their bags already waiting on the ground for them. Strangely enough, they were the only passengers on the whole plane.
"Oh my god guys do you see that!" Levi shouted. "Look at this! This is the best thing I've ever seen, it's so strange and unique, nothing else on this island, no, the whole world could compare!"
Eren and Mikasa looked over to see what all the excitement was about only to see Levi kneeling on the ground holding a used napkin.
"You have got to like totally be kidding me" Mikasa said in annoyance.
"Alright, alright calm down you guys." Eren scolding the two, "hey I saw what looked like a nice beach at the edge of the island which should be about 10 minutes walk from here, let's go!" They all agreed and faster than they thought they were standing on the sandy white shore of Transylvania island. It looked like something out of a magazine that specializes in tropical environments, it sure was shpadoinkle.
Levi held his hand up to his forehead and wiped away sweat. "Golly, the sun's as warm as a baked potato out here" Eren and Mikasa agreed with a nod of the head before Mikasa shouted out, "last one to the water is a square!" As she said this she stripped down to the bathing suit she had already been wearing under her shorts and t-shirt and made a mad dash for the shallow on coming waves as the others followed only in their shorts. But just as it looked as if Mikasa was going to win she slipped on a stray inside out turtle, ripping its already weakened skin off, and exposing twitching muscles as it squirmed and whined in agony, as Mikasa lay face first in the sand. Levi and Eren stopped running and couldn't help but laugh at her but immediately stopped when she stood up; her bikini top had been ripped off from her fall.
"Whoa! Look at the rack!" Levi said pointing. And there on the beach it stood, a beautiful antique hat rack.
"Yeah that sure is sweet" said Eren admiring its magnificence.
Meanwhile Mikasa's bikini top was nowhere to be found so she had to improvise. She took the removed turtle skin and dug her fingers into the still alive and warm turtle, ripping out a few strips of muscle and sinews to tie the moist with blood turtle skin around her chest.
They all made their way into the water before swimming and splashing about. Eren couldn't help but notice Levi's abs, everything was wet and wild in the water from the waist up. It was like watching 6 walnuts coated in a layer of skin bounce around each other. They played and relaxed in the water in sand for hours before the noticed the sun starting to go down along with the temperature. They'd all agreed they should head back to the plane but after 20 minutes of walking, wet and gritty with sand, they realized something was wrong.
"Um guys... Shouldn't we have gotten to the plane by now?" Mikasa asked shivering from a mixture of nervousness and cold.
"I could have sworn it was over here..." said Eren.
Levi started screaming "We're lost! We're lost! I don't want to die!" Tears began streaming down his face as he ran around in circles shouting.
"Settle down Levi!" Said Eren. "We'll be fine, no one is going to die. We just need to find someone who lives on this island to help us for now"
"Yeah I saw some clearings towards like the highest point of the island before the plane landed" added Mikasa. "We can like, walk there, it will be totally okay."
Right after Mikasa said that, a wild gang of inside out turtles came out of nowhere and swarmed around her like a pack of hobos around a slice of old crusty boloney. The turtles all started climbing on top if her and biting away at her flesh. The combined weight of the turtles slowly started to suffocate Stacey, crushing in her rib cage as Levi and Eren looked on in horror. Within 10 minutes Mikasa was stripped of all her once beautiful Pamela Anderson skin and barely clinging onto life. The ground and inside out turtles were stained with her blood and before you knew it, she was like Whitney Houston, or as Mikasa would put it, "like totally dead". After her heart had stopped, the turtles scattered like John F. Kennedy's brains onto his wife's pink dress.
Levi and Eren stared at Mikasa's skinless, moist and blood oozing remains, bone and muscle visible, in shock before the scrawnier of the two threw himself into the other's arms.
"I can't believe she's dead!" Eren said. "We were going to see Rupaul together for her birthday next week but now who will take me, I don't have a car!"
Levi patted him on the back not really sure how to handle the situation. "There there pal. We can see the kangaroo or whatever Rupaul is any other day... but for now we need to focus on getting somewhere safe"
Eren wiped a tear away. "It's not a kangaroo, but okay"
So the two men continued on towards the peak of the island in hope of finding help. However days began to pass by with no sign of the clearing Mikasa had spoken of before she met her tragic demise. But then the two, with what seemed like a miracle of a guardian angel, stumbled upon a cliff which looked promising to be their ticket to help if they could climb up it. Their luck had seemingly stricken again for there next to the cliff was a tree much taller than it with long strong vines they could use to scale the cliff.
And that's where we find them, tired, thirsty, and dirty, hoisting themselves up the side of said cliff.
"Hey Levi..." Eren said as they continued to climb. "whatever is at the top of this cliff, meaning no matter if we live or die, I feel it is important to tell you this"
"If you are going to tell me my fly is down, shut up I already knew that, but if not just hurry up and spit it out already"
Eren looked at his friend and took a deep breath. "We've known each other for so long now and I wanted you to know that I love you"
Levi stopped climbing and looked at Eren for a few seconds, causing Eren's heart to race waiting for a reply.
Levi began to speak, "Well Eren, I-" but before he could finish his sentencing, telling Eren if he returned the same feelings or not, a rock gave out under Levi's foot causing him to slip and a vine to wrap around his neck. The more he squirmed trying to free himself, the tighter it got, closing off his airway and blocking blood flow to his brain. It wasn't long until Levi was a limp body swinging from the vine like a ripe tomato. But his death wasn't all bad, as it turns out Levi had a secret asphyxiation fetish, so the pet rock in his pocket made a new friend that day, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Absolutely terrified at what he just witnessed, Eren hurried up the side of the cliff. Once he'd gotten to the top, he'd tossed himself to the ground like a pimp tosses his washed up lady of the night, and sobbed.
"I can't believe all my friends are dead... But especially you Levi, my only love who's love I'll never know, are gone forever" Eren looked over the side of the cliff and watched Levi's pale, lifeless body sway in the breeze. "I promise to bring your body back home to your family my dude"
Just then a strong gust of wind blew causing the vine holding Levi's body to snap and swing him into a pond full of piranhas. The tiny fish viciously whipped apart his body, turning the water red and leaving no meat to spare. Sadly this is also the day the pet rock in his pocket lost a friend because you can be sure that one piranha got the worm.
Eren had by this point admitted defeat. "Scratch that last part, never mind, not returning the body" he slowly stood and turned around for the first time to see what actually was at the top of the cliff on the clearing.
"I never expected anyone to make it this far" said a man in a suit who slowly approached Eren.
Eren looked around confused "what's going on?!"
The man in the suit laughed. "Don't you understand this was all a trick to gather new materials, your dead friends will make fine new oddities to my lovely cereal"
"That's just sick man!" Eren tried backing away but was met by the crumbling edge of the cliff; he had nowhere to run.
"Don't worry Eren, you'll be joining them soon enough" the man in the suit smiled. "Oh and by the way, your friend was right, I checked the internet, liquefied soy actually is soy juice"
THE END