Episode 1

Two Orks, One Sentient Fungus Excrement

Part One: Two Orks, One Fungal Fungi Fungus

White symbols glowed on what used to be a side of a particular space faring vessel, "Netzerbek". The large derelict mass floated for centuries, shown by craters and holes deforming the hull. Atmospheric systems aboard the vessel groaned and whistled under their final breaths. Yet it remained unapparent to a certain visitor that this location made for a poor choice in travel plans.

The visitor breathed dust upon a growth that covered a wall, half the floor, and half the ceiling in its enormity. The floral fibers vibrated as nutrient rich liquids pulsed through veins. Two healthy fluid-filled bulbs of a vomit green stood in the midst of dried, sagging bulbs. Yet in the face of obvious failure, the visitor patiently waited for the moment.

The visitor's eyelids hung low, yet his excitement kept him from sleep. After a few quiet moments, the smaller bulb bounced up and down and swelled. The large green growth expanded to the joy of the visitor, and pasty liquid leaked from the membrane. The rips tore wider, and the bulb burst open. Mucus and puss spewed everywhere and drenched the visitor, who gladly licked himself clean. The visitor looked down upon the small thing with pleasure. "Pimpah Poppah," the visitor said. The small creature, green and goblin-like, looked up at him as it stomped around in its puddle of mucus and puss. "Me Ukyuk!" it shouted.

"The name be Pimpah Poppah," said the visitor. "There'a be no Snotlin' named an Ukyuk!"

"Ukyuk!" said the Snotling.

"Pimpah POPPAH!"

"UK... YUK!"

"You are a Pimpah Poppah! Not Ukyuk! Ukyuk be the un-orkyez name I've eva hearduv!"

"Pimper Popper be a silleh name!"

"Ya be a thinkin' that youz smarter than the mighty Yazbeb Grimlicka!"

"Yazbeb Arselicka!" snorted the Snotling. "Yazbeb be the unorkyez name I'va heard!" A large boot smashed into his small face, sending him across the room.

"Fine, ya 'lil Snotlin'. Be the 'lil Ukyuk ye think ya iz! Now watch meh fungi," the visitor said and left.

Ukyuk looked to the fungus and watched it with deep curiosity. The remaining healthy swell within the fungi shook and bounced like a baby in a mother's elastic belly. Ukyuk stared at the hypnotic rhythm of the bulb pulse. The dry, spongey surface stretched and squeezed while nutrients pulsed their way into the swelling sack. The straining vessels squealed and growled as more fluid entered the bulb. The swelling bulb's bouncing intensified almost tearing the section of fungus off the wall.

Yazbeb sat down on an old chair and stared into space, mind filled with the dreams of grandeur. As a large ork, muscular frame intimidating, he knew it was time for him to start his own clan. "Netzerbek. There be a name with more a' meanin' than Yazbeb. The meat laugh at Yazbeb, but the meat scream at Netzerbek."

The chair squeaked as he wiggled himself into a comfortable position. He reached down behind himself, scratched his bottom, and grinned with slight ecstasy at the sensation. Moments later he raised his hand to his face, and sniffed. His green skin puckered up into thousands of bumps and he grinned. "More!" He reached down in between his legs and scratched. His grin drew wider to that of orgasmic joy. He knew he would be smarter than any other ork. "A good leadah I am!" He said as he took a whiff of his fingers once more. "Oooooooh!" He savored the scent while the other hand scratched his crotch.

A squeak echoed down the corridor to the bridge, followed by the echo of a loud metalic groan. Yazbeb's eyes burst wide open and his attention snapped to the door. "Who ripz Netzahbek's ship?!" Yazbeb growled. He lunged from his chair and charged down the hallway. Spores burst from his skin as the Ork knocked down pipes, wires, and paneling, leaving behind him a trail of clanking junk.

Ukyuk looked at the rifle-like rod for a moment and then snapped it in half. "Not good weapon! Need mo' death!" He looked up and saw a segment of pipe revealed by a gaping hole in the ceiling. With his all his might he lept for the pipe. He grasped it, pulled himself up, then down, up, then down while bolts popped out from their sockets. Heavy feet echoed down the hall, with the grunts of a heavier Ork. Ukyuk pulled himself a little higher and dropped. He squealed in pain as the scorching water blasted him away. The Snotling hit the floor, his steaming fingers wrapped around the freed pipe.

Ukyuk leaped back as a bullet ricocheted in front of him. Yazbeb stomped toward the Snotling. "You! Stop breakin' mah waaaaaaghshipz, or I break ya and make ya mah own perzonul butt scratchah!" Ukyuk stepped back in fear, hugging his pipe. Yazbeb tore the pipe out of Ukyuk's hands, tossed it aside, and pointed at the fungal mass. "Ya watch that love lump, ya heer? No weapon ya 'lil tricksta! Bring meh the Ork when he iz a'born." He turned to leave, but stopped at the door. "No weapon," he said and left.

Ukyuk's tall pointy ears fell back and he stooped low. "Yez, Yazbeb."

Yazbeb howled down the hall. "The name a be Waughbozz Netzahbek! There ain't no Yazbeb 'ere. Ye be a callin' me Yazbeb, and yull be Yazdead."

"Ukyuk Arsekicka will make weapon," he whispered to himself as he reached for nuts, bolts, and shredded panels. He picked up the rod again, attached panels, and added a metal box with cooling inlets for the barrel casing. Ukyuk reached for some nuts and bolts and made what appeared to be a firing mechanism. Some of the bolts fell off, angering Ukyuk. He grabbed one of the regular sized charge boxes, pried it open, poked two holes for the barrel to fit in, and placed the box over the firing mechanism. He then took the remaining bits of odds and ends all over the floor and put it in the box before squeezing it shut. The supposed firing mechanism's pieces rattled inside rifle-rod's body as Ukyuk shook it. But the rifle-rod was missing something, a trigger and a stock.

Ukyuk yanked at a box full of strange switches and levers on the walls. "Neeeeeeh! Nuuuuuuh! Neeeeeeeh!" The box pinged off the wall and the bolts rattled on the floor.

"Ukyuuuuk!"

Ukyuk quickly crunched the switch-box against the rifle rod and pierced a charge box with the rod's back end. He moved the trigger-switch forward, twisted the charge box stock for some slight adjustment, and aimed for the door. This was it. Ukyuk found his opponent. A larger opponent, but nevertheless, an opponent. Now he could satisfy his hunger for death.

Yazbeb entered through the doorway and froze when he saw the rifle-rod aimed at him. He grimaced. "Ye bettah put that gun down, or Netzahbek will kick ya arse frem this side ov the 'ulk to the otha! Ya gotz it?!"

"Ukyuk gonna be takin' no orders frem Yazbeb!" The Snotling raised the gun and stepped back. "Ukyuk Arsekicka will fight! Ukyuk Arsekicka will win!"

Yazbeb stepped forward, fists curled and fingernails crunching. "Ukyuk Arselicka will looze his arse!" he growled.

"Arselicka stepz no further!" Ukyuk stood with rifle steady in his hands.

"Ye be the Arselicka, ya 'lil bum!"

"Ya motha waz an Arselicka! En your fatha waz a Bumkissa! En ye whole family waza lickin' and a kissin' and a scratchin' eachotha's bumz!"

"What be thiz? The 'lil Snotlin' be thinkin' that he be a smartzer en a stronger than I? Well I'll tell ye what, ya can shove your insultz right up yerz!"

The Snotling, standing firm with the hunger for war, raised his rifle. "Make meh, ya big lump ov an Arselickin'!"

"COME 'ERE YA 'LIL SNOTLIN'!" The ork pounced. The Snotling raised the rifle and yanked at the trigger-switch. The barrel mouth spat a plume of fire and launched the Snotling across the room, saving him from the falling ork who dented the floor face first. Yazbeb rose and spit out his broken teeth. His grimace transformed into a grin of ecstasy. "Netzahbek's arse ya be a lickin'," the ork said, approaching the Snotling who aimed once more. "NETZAHBEK'S ARSE YA BE A KISSIN'!"