Author's note: This story was written as a request fic, and it has taken me the better part of a year to actually get my shit together and finish it. I hope it was worth waiting for.
Warnings: Cal and his terrible, horrible potty-mouth (aka language), spanking, and excessive teenage angst.
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The screams were horrifying. My throat was as raw as a pound of hamburger, barely able to emit sound at all, and still I screamed. And screamed. Hopeless, helpless to do anything except scream my fear and anguish to an uncaring universe.
A hand grabbed my arm. Like an animal, I thrashed, trying to escape from the claws curling around my pale flesh. The screams continued.
A word spoken to me. It meant nothing, nothing at all. The Auphe's language was like ground glass in my ear canal. Except-this wasn't that ground glass speech.
"Cal." Soft. One word. My name. "Cal, you're safe. You're safe."
Safe. That was a good word. I liked that word. They never used that word. The screams died in my throat with a small gurgle, like an animal drowning. I turned my head and dared to open my eyes.
Gray eyes stared back at me, barely visible in the dim light. I knew those eyes. Those were my eyes. And my brother's eyes. The same. I stopped pulling away from the hand gripping my forearm. Niko's eyes. Safe.
Niko pressed his back flat to the dingy carpet and carefully inched under the bed. Right. I'd taken refuge under the bed to sleep. It had seemed safer than the wide open spaces of the cramped and dirty hotel room where we had stopped for the night. Together. Because I was back. Back with my big brother. And Niko had said that he would keep me safe.
"Are you with me, little brother?" Nik asked as he inched closer. Nik was still bigger than me. Still taller, still wider, even though I had gotten taller and wider too. But my brother was bigger, was stronger, was safe. I let my chest rise and fall, gulping for air as my brother inched closer, one hand still wrapped firmly and gently around my forearm. "It's okay, Cal. You're okay."
His shoulder butted up against mine, a warm presence. His familiar scent. Yes, I was safe. With my brother.
Niko sighed and turned his head to stare up into the dirty box spring. "Can you sleep now, Cal?"
Sleep. Sleep was good. But sleep was bad too. In sleep, I went to hell. And though I couldn't remember why I was screaming when I woke up, I knew that the cause of it was a Very Bad Thing. A small whimper escaped from my lips.
"People need to sleep, Cal," Nik said, his voice calm and reasonable. "We're going to be driving again all day tomorrow. And the day after that, and after that. Can't do that if I don't sleep."
Niko needed sleep. Right. That made sense. Niko was a human. Humans need to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. Because every time I slept...I screamed. I screamed and screamed, and woke my brother. My brother who needed sleep. Because Niko was keeping me safe. And Niko couldn't keep me safe-couldn't run, couldn't drive, couldn't fight, couldn't learn-if he didn't sleep. And I had been screaming for a long time now. Every time I shut my eyes, it seemed, I woke screaming.
Good thing I'm not human, I thought absently. My thoughts didn't usually come in words these days, but this thought was as clear as a bell. As plain as the nose on Nik's face.
Obediently, I shut my eyes and concentrated on breathing. In and out, a slow, measured pace. But I didn't relax. Niko needed to sleep. So I couldn't.
I wasn't sure how long it took before Niko relaxed, his own breathing evening out into a pace that spoke of slumber. It seemed like a long time to me, but time wasn't something that I understood very well anymore. I'd understood it once. But now, it seemed like a blur. I just lay on the floor, my shoulder touching my brother's. I stared up into the box spring mere inches from my nose, and I thought.
This couldn't go on forever. Nik was only human. I...I was not. And it wasn't fair of me to ask my human big brother to save my monster ass. The Grendels didn't want Nik, after all. They wanted me. Because I was one of them. Or at least, half of one of them. My eyes told me that Sofia was indeed the one who had given me birth. They were just like hers, just like Niko's. The bright, wary gray of a stormy sea. But the Grendels weren't interested in that half of me. They were interested in something else.
The urge to scream bubbled up in my throat again, and I squashed it ruthlessly. No! Niko needed to sleep. I wouldn't interrupt that. I wasn't good for much, but I could at least watch over Niko as he slept.
I watched my brother's chest rise and fall.
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"Did you get some sleep, Cal?" I asked.
Cal didn't answer. I always talked to him as though he would, but Cal hadn't spoken a word since that night when the universe had spit him out bloody and naked. A rebirth of sorts. He'd managed to whisper, "Nik!" but beyond that, nothing. His throat had clamped shut. Not that Cal was trying all that hard to speak. I knew my brother. He knew I'd take care of him.
He curled in the corner, his back against the wall, eyes watching as I packed up the few things we'd taken from the Jeep into the room. "Come on, little brother," I said finally. "Let's get a move on."
Quick as a shot, Cal was on his feet and on my heels as we walked out to the Jeep. He situated himself on the passenger side, curled in a tight ball on the seat. He would have preferred curling on the floor, but I insisted that he needed to be in a seatbelt. The first time we'd fought over it, it had taken half an hour to get him to comply. Now he buckled himself in and pressed his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them tightly and locking the passenger door. I put the Jeep in reverse and pulled out of the parking spot. In a mere minute, we were on the road.
"I slept pretty well myself," I said conversationally, turning on the radio. The music was classical, light and airy. Cal didn't respond. "Was surprised. You only woke up once last night. Things are getting better, I think."
Cal stared at the top of his knees. He looked despondent. Like he thought this was his fault. Like it could ever be his fault.
"It won't be like this forever, Cal," I said finally. "You'll see."
Cal let his forehead rest against his knees and as usual, didn't respond.
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300 miles later I glanced at my brother. The kid was still too thin, curled up in a little ball in the seat. He looked dangerous, like an animal, all skin and bones and wary eyes. It didn't help that he never said a word.
It had been nearly two months since Cal had reappeared through a gaping gray hole in the fabric of the universe, covered in blood and filth of all kinds. The kid had looked in my eyes. Had said my name before passing out in my arms. That first week had been beyond terrifying, carrying my broken little brother along with me on a wild ride across the country in a battered jeep. Cal had refused to sit on the seat, instead curling his body into the cramped space on the floor. I had been reminded a bit of Cal's babyhood as I'd had to guide him to drink, to eat, to use the bathroom. The first shower had ended up with us both soaked to the skin, bruised, and in tears. But slowly, things improved.
Cal showered on his own now, and thankfully would use the bathroom without being prompted. He'd eat whatever I put in front of him, as long as it wasn't certain types of pork. (I'd found that out the hard way. Cleaning pork chop vomit out of the Jeep made sure I wouldn't forget.) And sometimes, now, he would look me in the eyes. My brother was in there. I knew it.
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We'd driven hundreds of miles. We were somewhere in the western part of the Midwest, and I was ready to drop. Even my fear every time we stopped for the night couldn't override my human need for sleep though, and I'd finally pulled over at a cheap roadside place advertising clean sheets and low prices.
As usual, as soon as we entered the dirty little motel room, Cal made a beeline for the bed. This room, however, didn't have the kind of bed that could be burrowed under. The base was solid and cemented to the floor. Cal whimpered silently, his face contorting.
"It's ok Cal," I said in my most soothing tone but my mind was going furiously. What was Cal going to do now? He looked like he couldn't decide whether to scream, cry, or collapse in a heap on the filthy carpet. I readied himself for the worst.
Finally he turned to me, eyes wide and nervous. He shook his head furiously, his long, ragged hair flapping back and forth. I took a cautious step closer, and he didn't look any more likely to bolt than he had before, which struck me as positive. His skinny shoulders were shaking. Very carefully, I put a hand on each shoulder. Cal tensed for a moment before relaxing.
"Can we try something different tonight Cal?" I asked calmly. There was a long silence, but Cal didn't pull away. That was similarly encouraging. "I'll keep you safe, little brother. I promise."
Cal's head shot up. Our eyes, gray and stormy, connected. My brother was in there. Angry, scared as hell, but still trusting. He still believed that I would keep him safe. Even after hell. I felt a lump form in the back of my throat.
"Go take a shower, kid," I said, giving Cal a little push. "You stink." He didn't really, but something in his eyes made me think a little humor wouldn't go amiss.
When Cal reached out and gave me a half-hearted shove back before turning and going into the bathroom, I couldn't help the smile.
That was the first time Cal had ever done anything that wasn't purely functional in movement. The kid was indeed coming back.
I'd missed the little smart-ass.
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I scrubbed myself mercilessly in the shower. Being clean...I liked it. Clean meant safe. It was good. They didn't care about clean. My stomach twisted a little. But no, I wouldn't think about Them. They couldn't get me here. I was safe with Niko.
My skin was bright red and getting pruny so I finally rinsed off the soap suds and turned off the water. I wrapped a towel around my waist and looked in the mirror. A stranger stared back. I didn't remember that body, so skinny and stringy with muscle, or that face with the more angular jaw and hollowed cheeks and eyes. I'd changed. A lot. But Niko was still the same. I was grateful for that, at least.
I left the stranger in the bathroom and returned to the main room where my brother perched on the edge of the dingy bed. He was staring at the TV, but I could tell that he wasn't paying attention to the cooking show that was playing. I dug into the battered bag that contained our clothes and pulled out some sweats. I got dressed and turned to Niko. His eyes met mine. He looked exhausted.
"Ready for bed, little brother?" Nik asked.
After a moment, I nodded. I knew I needed to start answering Nik, or at least acknowledging the man's existence. Even if I couldn't seem to find words, the muscle attaching my head to my neck worked just fine. A small smile played at Niko's lips. Yeah, I owed my brother this.
Nik got up and turned off the television. "Into bed," he said cheerfully, reminding me so much of our early years, when he would read me a story and tuck me into the twin sized mattress we had shared. I cautiously turned back the covers, looking at Nik for reassurance the whole time. Are you sure? Are you sure this is safe? Just thoughts, but Nik had always been able to read my mind. He nodded encouragingly and finally I crawled between sheets that smelled strongly of industrial-strength bleach. It stung my nose, but it was also aggressively clean, and I liked that. It reminded me that I was safe. That I wasn't with them.
Nik made himself comfortable on the other side of the bed, then turned towards where I was lying stiff as a board on my back and trying to remember how to breathe. Toomuchspace. Toomuch...toomuch...notsafe!
Nik scooted closer, so our shoulders were touching again. The contact reminded me how to breathe. "It will be ok," he said, and I couldn't tell if that was reassurance or an order. I nodded anyway.
"Shut your eyes Cal," he said. "The room won't seem so big."
Obediently I closed them. But I didn't let myself relax. I was so tired, but even with Nik at my side I knew I couldn't sleep. It wasn't safe. And anyway, I would wake up screaming in roughly an hour and a half. Niko needed sleep. Tonight, I would be the one watching. I could do that to keep my brother safe.
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