Hey! This was a headcanon cooking up in my brain so I thought I'd flesh it out :)

This fic was actually inspired by the musical track "A Beautiful Lie", composed by Hans Zimmer from the movie Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. It's truly a sad and beautiful piece of music that I felt fits the plot this season very well. I love all of Zimmer's work but this song is probably my favorite.

Side note: This takes place after 3x21. I hadn't seen the first part of episode 3x21 where Savitar says he's a time remnant, so I literally wrote this thinking Savitar was future Barry. I've spent too much time and put too much energy into this to go back and rewrite it, so I suppose this is set in an AU where our Barry actually becomes Savitar :/ It doesn't stray that far from canon but here goes ~

This was written for Hedgi, one of my closest friends and an inspiration to fanfic writers everywhere. Consider this revenge for all the times you made me cry, you meanie 3. (it doesn't come close to your work, but I tried…)

TRIGGER WARNING: CONTAINS SOME SUICIDAL IDEATION.

I hope you all enjoy this :)

The nights ended with softness and warmth at Barry's and Iris's loft.

Iris was adorable when she slept, and Barry loved her for it.

He loved her regardless, but sometimes she'd wear his shirts to sleep, and her small body would get lost in oversized fabric and her thin arms would be covered with large, loose sleeves that she always had trouble pulling back, and that only made her look more adorable than he thought possible.

She'd sleep in his shirts, with her arm on his chest and her head atop his shoulder, hugging his side, and he loved their intimacy.

When they couldn't sleep, they just talked to each other about the smallest and most unimportant things in life - Barry's colleague who worked on the first floor of the station, and never tied his shoes, their neighbor's pet chinchilla, Jitter's new kale wraps, anything.

They made a bad habit of staying awake for hours justing babbling to each other happily, grateful for the comfort of each other's love and companionship, and Barry would fold his arm over Iris's waist, his fingers playing with the ends of her hair until she'd fall asleep against his body, in the safety of his arms.

But Iris was now sleeping beside someone who would one day kill her.

Barry's impending destiny as Savitar felt like an apocalypse, ready to unleash itself.

Come May, the prophecy would unfold and Barry would watch helplessly as his future self would stab a giant spear-like finger through a beyond-terrified Iris's stomach. The Flash would race forward with all his might, but he would still be too slow and would be left holding his fiancee's dead body, he would feel her last breath slowly curl into the air out of her body, before Iris would be no more.

Savitar would then shatter Wally's spine when the younger speedster would come back, seeking to avenge his sister.

Cisco would lose his hands in a battle against Killer Frost, who would never return to Caitlin.

HR would leave the team, and Julian would be left tending to a woman who could never love again, only kill.

The loss and guilt would pull Barry away everyone, and Joe would then lose all his kids.

The three cores of his happiness would be snatched away from him like dominoes toppling over. First would come Iris's murder, then Wally's paralysis, and finally Barry's abandoning him - Barry, who Joe leaned on for support and loved with every atom in his being, would abandon Joe- and Joe would then become a childless father who would be left with nothing but loneliness, defeat and hollowness in place of three loving adult children.

The nights usually ended with warmth, even after their worst battles, even after Harrison Wells's betrayal and Hunter Zolomon's erasure through the conjuring of a time remnant, Barry always knew he could count on his team and vice versa, but now - even the blankets couldn't protect Barry against the cold fear that was piercing his skin.

He carefully adjusted Iris off of him and onto the pillows as he sat up, and leaned down to gently kiss her temple before he shuffled out of bed and left the apartment, still in his pajamas.

He found himself at the Central City Cemetery in the span of a heartbeat. The moonlight felt gloomy rather than angelic, casting a dull, pale glow over rows of grave markers, creating a checkerboard of shadows across dry grass.

The area was dark and peaceful, but eerie, as all cemeteries would be at 4 in the morning.

Or maybe that was just the nature of his thoughts, standing in fleece sweats at a graveyard, the weight of the world bearing down upon his shoulders.

He didn't know why he subconsciously chose to come here of all places, in the middle of the night, but at the same time, he did know.

Before his feet, Nora and Henry Allen lay in their graves beyond the surface of the ground, resting peacefully beside each other.

The only love Barry knew that could even come close to rivaling his feelings for Iris was that between his mother and father - and he had failed to save them both.

Nora was murdered solely so Barry could become the Flash.

The particle accelerator provided Barry's lightning and speed - but Eobard Thawne required something else to provide Barry with a sense of heroism.

Eobard had needed a catalyst for change in Barry's life, so he took away a warm and loving woman from this world, he tore a mother away from her young son and a wife from her loving husband. Eobard had ruined several lives, he had altered an entire city's future, to ensure that Barry would become his enemy when the boy would attain adulthood.

Barry had gone back to that night several times, and each time, he was forced to let his mother die.

He failed to save her. Time and time again, he was left holding his mother as she died, and he would remain haunted by this forever.

Henry's death hurt him just the same, but in the different way.

Even after horrible accusations were hurled at him in the courtroom, and he was sentenced to life in prison, Henry Allen had never faltered in his love for Nora and Barry. He was all too kind, all too innocent in the hero/villain scheme that would take over his son's life, the same scheme that took his wife from him, and when Henry was finally freed from prison, only months later he was forced to take the burden of the fall when Zoom insisted Barry needed to feel true loss and anger.

Barry had watched, screaming, horror burning white through his veins, when Hunter Zolomon carved his hand through his father's back, out to his chest.

Again, the villain had taken someone from him.

Again, Barry had failed, and was left watching his father take his final breath in his arms, shaking and pleading for him not to go.

Barry scowled at the memories. He kissed his parents' tombstones, before he turned and left the cemetery.

One could argue that his parents' deaths had made him stronger, had shaped him into a hero who swore to defend the innocent and defeat those who turned to evil - but Iris's death would devastate him in ways Nora's and Henry's hadn't.

Because in those cases, the bad guys had been other people.

Barry could always defeat other speedsters, couldn't he?

But how would he defeat himself?

Barry failed at repressing the thoughts that riddled his mind, and half-walked, half-ran through the night, until he found himself in the basement of STAR Labs.

He flicked the lights in the Pipeline on, coded in the sequence at a keypad, and entered the giant circular tunnel that was the particle accelerator.

Someone else before him was also an innocent hero who loved and proposed to Iris. A hero with a heart of true gold, who had dedicated his life to the greater good. A hero better than even the Flash, Barry believed. Someone who couldn't see others hurt by his own existence, an existence which would lead to murder and revenge.

Barry closed his eyes, as the sound of a bullet entering Eddie's chest echoed through the haunted building.

It was an faultless solution. Do the unthinkable, and end Savitar before anyone else could ever get hurt. Save everyone from himself. Save Iris, save Wally, save Cisco, Joe, Caitlin-

But Barry could not follow Eddie's path.

The team would never forgive him for turning down their help.

And Barry refused to leave Iris feeling cursed, that every man who ever loved her and promised to marry her would take his own life to protect her.

Yes, Eddie would be furious that Barry would one day kill Iris - but he'd be even more enraged if he were to find out how Barry took care of the problem.

No. This was a solution that would only end Savitar.

In the bigger scheme of things, it would end everyone he loved more painfully than murdering them or physically hurting them ever could.

He had to keep thinking straight. He had to get out of here.

Barry turned out of the empty, haunted tunnel and shut off the lights.

He wanted to ask Oliver what to do. Maybe Oliver had a few ideas.

Or Kara - Kara had to have insight, right? Didn't she have to fight her evil self once? Bizzaro, was that her evil clone's name?

But now was not the time to be jumping through interdimensional portals, and before Barry could think of another useless solution, his phone buzzed in his pajama pockets.

Where did you go? Iris's text seemed to plead through the the bright screen. Barry hesitated, before another message popped up.

Are you in trouble?

Come back. Please.

It's late.

A small wave of guilt settled over him as he read the string of texts again - Where did you go? Are you in trouble? Come back. Please. It's late - these words felt more like pleas from a woman who sought haven more than angry texts from a sleepy fiancee.

Barry typed a quick reply and inhaled deeply before he burst into a run back to their home, where Iris was waiting in the living room, wearing an old blue shirt of his with faded cartoon pajamas. She threw her phone on the table in disgust, when she saw him.

Her hair resembled a tumbleweed, her eyebrows were creased in fright and her tired, russet eyes filled with worry and unshed tears. "You can't keep leaving the house like this in the middle of the night-" Her voice broke pitch at the last word.

His jaw involuntarily tensing from shame, Barry swept forward and wrapped his arms around her smaller frame. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he murmured regretfully, kissing her hair and rubbing her back, "Iris, I'm just-"

"Scared. I know you're scared, Barry," she voiced, curling her arms around his torso. She buried her face against his chest. "Believe me, I know. But racing off and leaving home is not an alternative to staying in bed and having nightmares."

He tipped her chin up and lovingly brushed her tears away with his thumbs, heat stinging his own eyes. "Then what am I supposed to do?" He asked quietly, "Continue to let my fear wake you up at night?-"

"Seeing how you not being there wakes up anyway?" Iris countered softly, scowling at him, and shrugging dismissively, "Wake me up. I don't care. Knowing you're with me is better than knowing you chose to leave-"

"It's not like that," he assured quickly, pulling her into his embrace again, "Iris, it's never like that. I'm not trying to leave you - I just don't want you to worr- for you to see me like this."

"Barry," she reminded, poking her index finger into his chest, "This is your home. You're allowed to be yourself here. I'm your home, you told me that once. I'm your future wife. You should feel safe with me."

"I know…" He ran his fingers through her hair, and lowered his head to kiss her forehead, guilt swelling in his chest. "Iris?" He asked softly, cupping her cheek.

She stood on her tiptoes to brush a kiss over his lips, and smiled up at him. "Mm?"

"Do you feel safe with me, though?"

"What?" She mumbled in disbelief, touching his face, "Barry. Of course I do-"

"Even if you know who Savitar is?" Barry whispered, his voice soft and strained.

She scowled. "I know that's not you. Why? Where did you go?"

Barry sighed shakily and rested his head on her shoulder. "I… went to the cemetery. To go see my parents, and Eddie. I don't want to see you where they are, Iris. I can't live with myself knowing I'm going to hurt you, or that I might not save you."

She put her arms over his shoulder, gently scratching the back of his head. "Barry. You have your heart in the right place, but visiting deceased loved ones is not going to give us any helpful ideas, given the kind of stuff we're up against right now."

"Then how do I stop him?" Barry inquired reluctantly, taking her hands in his, "I'm ready to try anything and everything, but I don't even know where to start. This is… the worst mess I've ever been in."

Iris mustered a smile and kissed his cheek. "First things first, keep that pretty head of yours on your shoulders," she advised, and Barry allowed for a small, sheepish grin, nodding. "Then - we'll work our way out of this. We always do," Iris reminded, "We'll reverse engineer the problem, create something that can stop him, we'll do whatever it takes. I'm no science geek, but we're all working on this together, right, Bar?"

Another smile split across Barry's face. He nodded again and roped his arms around her waist, leading her back to the room. "You're no scientist, but you're the smartest and most powerful of us all."

"And that right there is considered sugar-coating to make up for running off," Iris chuckled, but Barry shook his head.

"I meant it," he promised, tucking a piece of curly hair away from her face and behind her ear.

"It's because you aren't there in the future that we all fall apart," he described earnestly, "Wally and I do the running and saving, Cisco builds tech and vibes, Caitlin's our doctor, Joe watches over us, HR keeps the mood light, and Julian's the metahuman expert - but you're the one who keeps us all grounded when we're not feeling ourselves. And I'd say that makes you the greatest of us all. Savitar knows what he's doing when he comes for you, and not the rest of us."

Iris's smile wavered, but she dropped a kiss on Barry's shoulder. "So what are you going to do?"

Barry studied her, before tugging her in for another hug, tucking her head under his chin as he squeezed his arms over her back. "I'm going to stop him, and keep you safe. That's what I'm going to do."

Iris leaned up and softly kissed his jaw. "And maybe you'll let me sleep, without waking up in fear in the middle of the night?"

"Of course-"

"I meant now," she answered with an apologetic smile, "I kind of have a publication early in the morning."

Barry widened his eyes. "Right. Sorry about that-" and in a few minutes, they both dragged each other to bed, and Iris was nuzzled up against him again, pulling the covers over herself and Barry.

Barry couldn't help leaning over to kiss her, though, and she murmured a soft laugh as he laced sweet kisses into her jaw, and on her neck, before nipping at the ticklish dimples between her neck and collarbones, while she kissed his fingertips. She smirked and guided his face back up to lock his mouth with hers. It was spontaneous, ignited out of a sudden need to comfort one another and to be lost in each other's company. They were clumsy, and they kissed one another when they were done - hot, breathless and tired liplocks, holding each other's faces, whispering sweet promises to each other.

Then Iris curled up against him like she did every night, and soon she was snoring faintly under the covers.

Barry drowsily touched her cheek with the back of his finger.

It had been a long year, yeah, but nobody could take her away from him.

Not even the future.

Some nights ended cold, but the sun would always rise, and there would always be another day.

Savitar couldn't see Barry worried, or weak.

Iris was the only thing that mattered, and she would be protected at all costs.

As Barry's eyes began to feel heavy and he began drifting into sleep, Eddie's face flickered through his mind. The memory felt more like advice than a warning.

Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a message with your thoughts on the way out. (Let me know if you cried.)

Thanks again and til next time,

DBV