.
(hey, friends xD I know this is 'late' and whatnot, but my sister just read through My Immortal (a flame of it, actually. By Liza MMX) and she wanted to flame this herself.
Nonsense: Welp, I barely make an appearance in here, but I'm the awkward italicised stuff in parenthesis. The bold is the story, and everything else is my sister.
Disclaimer:: I am proud to announce I do not own this fic. And I never will be. Okay. Onward!)
Chapter 1.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
I can't say I have ever heard of that stereotype. I'm going to assume you mean gothic?
2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpinme wif da story and spelling. U rok!
Pay close attention to that 'ew.' Also, if this Raven girl (Who I am sure wasn't given that name at birth) is helping you with spelling, I would love to see you two in an English class.
Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!
Poor Justin… Seconded to Raven.
MCR ROX!
Relevance? Kay.
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
I am assuming the apostrophe is there for the same reason as putting a 5 in Sa5m and saying it's silent, yes?
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back
Who wants to bet she's a brunette in real life? Anyone?Anyone?
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears
Limpid tears? Like, clear tears? Like, ya know… All of us have?
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
Poor Amy Lee… Even still, a lot of people know who Evanescence is, but they may not know her name. You are limiting your readers based on their knowledge of band members. What if they hear their songs on the radio? Tsk, tsk, Ebony.
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.
Is incest considered goffik now? Because that's really freekingdisgusting.
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
*Translation* I normal pre-adolescent girl who has recently read/watched Twilight.
I have pale white skin.
As oppose to tan vampires?
I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the
seventh year (I'm seventeen).
Of course you are. And by seventeen, I'm sure you mean twelve or thirteen, right?
and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.
Because we wouldn't have been able to guess what you wear or where you shop from anyway. Ya know. Considering you'regoffik and all. I figured you'd wear a lot of pink.
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.
Pretty sure Hogwarts has a dress code made up of robes. Also, I am picturing this… I cannot picture it looking good at all and I will admit to liking a lot gothic clothing
I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
I saw this make up gettup on Sims once… It's ugly as hell.
I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
Naturally.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
I thought you said you were seventeen? Preps stop staring at you once you are in puberty because they're always looking at themselves. They're also probably staring at you because you look like more of a slut than them.
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. DracoMalfoy!
The suspense!
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly.
I can't picture Draco being shy… He would probably say something along the confident lines of "What's it to you,Muggle? Trying to spy on me?"
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
Good to know.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
No.
Chapter 2.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
Alright. So I looked up this Raven girl, and my predictions are correct. Her name is actually Jennie, she is 14, and—Well I have to say she is actually pretty literate (at least her bio was). Which leads to further questions if she is the one spellchecking this.
The next day I woke up in my bedroom.
As opposed to…?
It was snowing and raining again.
Well, I mean. It is England.
I opened the door of my coffin
Oh lord.
and drank some blood from a bottle I had.
It's much more brutal to just suck it from a living being.
My coffin was black ebony
Your coffin is black black wood? Redundant much? Also, I don't think Hogwarts would let you sleep in a coffin. You have four-posters for that.
and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.
Even your coffin is slutty. Cheers.
I got out of my coffin
Really? I never would have guessed.
and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.
She hasn't fully spelled out what MCR stands for yet. I guess if you don't know then you should get da hell out, amiright?
Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.
Does she even know what a pentagram is?
I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,
That's cool. I put earrings in my non-pierced ears.
and put my hair in a kind of messy friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
Shouldn't you be wearing your hair down and over your eye like a good goffik? And shouldn't Raven already know this is her?
woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.
So I can tell you, my sister and I had a good time running through this scene.
-She wakes up.
-Grins.
-Flips her hair around (The more dramatic you make this, the funnier it is).
-Then opens her eyes.
I'm telling you, just run through that one a few times if you are ever having a bad day.
(doitdoitdoitdoitdoitdoitdoit)
She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.
What is with the outfit descriptions? I don't know people that care than much to write them, much less read them.
We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
Okay, let me get this straight. They have pale skin(or at least Ebony, but I am sure it will soon be mentioned Willow is too,) and they are wearing white foundation? But why?
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.
Something my mind tells me not to doubt that she actually said OMFG instead of saying the proper words. That's pretty preppy if you ask me.
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.
Blushing? Really? Blusing? Does she not understand what blushing is? It's when a wanton of blood rushes to your cheeks (Yes I'm quoting Shakespeare, don't judge me, you're reading this too). What's wrong with that though? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you're a VAMPIRE and VAMPIRES don't have BLOOD. Moving on.
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of theSlytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
Assuming you're the friend that called her away earlier, you would know that she really didn't have much time to talk to the poor boy.
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.
Of course you don't. You bolted the second your friends called to you. Also, acting a bit immature here? I am pretty sure a seventeen year old wouldn't shout and get all hot and bothered about being accused of liking someone.
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
"Hi." he said.
The greetings in this are just phenomenal
"Hi." I replied flirtily.
Flirtily.
"Guess what." he said.
I have to give it to you Tara, I know a lot of people who put a question mark after the phrase 'guess what.' I am impressed.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.
Good Charlotte are. Are.
And I'm pretty sure Draco's family (and Death Eater family) would Crucio his ass for listening to Muggle music (and badmuggle music at that).
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
Remember this remark for later on.
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.
I gasped.
Be cheesier.
Chapter 3.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
The fact that people are giving her good reviews is actually pretty terrifying.
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.
What exactly is corset stuff? It's mentioned often.
I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.
But.. but.. The contradictions. I don't understand.
I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.
… Alright, then. "OMFG I GET TO GO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS IN CONCERTS! I'm so depressed."Dunno about you but I am jumping around my room at this point.
I read a depressing book
But why? This is such a random comment…(I'm surprised she even reads.)
while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.
You… You shouldn't be bleeding. We've gone over this. You haven't any blood. And any who, how did you have time to read a book (while bleeding) and then decide to wait for it to stop bleeding.
I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.
Didn't you already have black nails earlier that day?
Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.
*Facepalm* There are no words.
I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
Brutal. But much more fitting for like a Slayer concert. Not some pussy-poser punk band.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.
That's quite out of character for Draco to steal and/or imitate something from the Weasleys.
He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),
I guess I can appreciate him wearing a shirt for the opening band.
baggy black skater pants, black nail polish
Assuming this was written before the skinny-jeans phenomenon, aren't most skater pants baggy?
and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
That has to be the preppies way to write 'cool boys.' Just sayin'.
Also. Draco Malfoy in guy liner. Just Picture it… Exactly.
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
Again my sister and I attempted this; Saying something with an exclamation mark in a depressed voice. It just doesn't work.
"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz
I suppose if Malfoy were to have a flying car, it would of course be a Mercedes.
(the license plate said 666)
The origionality.
and flew to the place with the concert.
Where else would you go?
On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.
Who makes a CD of Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson? I usually try to keep my Mixes organized according to genre. But I digress… At least they're excited finally.
We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
That must be a long ass drive. And what drugs are you smoking? Because I am sure you are alluding to pot (Because that's what all the kewl goff kidz do), however, pot isn't a drug. Drugs are man-made, pot comes from the ground. (I'm not advocating it though, kiddies.)
When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.
Hopping? That's not very gof of you.
We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage
If there's already a mosh pit started, sweetie, there is NO way you're getting to the front of it.
and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
Ha. Jumped up and down. Typical for poser-punk bands. Ever been to a real punk band concert? I've seen people break bones.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).
A. Nobody cares that you put lyrics in here
B. No one would ever expect you were capable of writing that.
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad.
I wonder why that is? Maybe it's because you're talking about other men on your date.
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
You aren't able to think or hold conversations in a mosh pit. Jesus Christ has she ever been in one?
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.
Holy Jesus Riding A Unicorn Through Space. An accurately placed comma. PRAISE THE GODS!
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
YOU ARE IN A MOSH PIT.
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
So you can't like Joel because you don't know him, but you can hate Hilary all the same? And what did Hilary do? I mean of all the Has-Been stars like her, Hilary seems to be the most sane.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and askedBenji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.
I don't think I have ever heard mentioning of beer in butterbeer and fire whisky. But that's probably not kewlenough for you, is it?
We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!
DUN DUN DUHHHH!
Chapter 4.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut marysu OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is actingdefrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
Ebony's name is Enoby. Got it. Thank you for clearing that eechodder? I think Raven has completely given up at this point.
"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
Ree-ow.
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it.
So they hopped out, crawled in, and now they are walking out. Kay.
I walked out of it too, curiously.
Word placement…
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.
Enoby (Yep. It's staying) is one Classy Motherfucker.
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped.
*Hiss*
Draco leaned in extra-close
"This isn't your everyday closeness… This is…. Advance Closeness."
and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)
Probably wearing them to out-due Potter.
***Fun Fact, the reason Harry and Lilly don't have the same color eyes (in the movies) even though everyone says he has his mother's eyes is because the colored contacts Radcliff was supposed to were irritated him too much.
which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness
So much dramatic detail, I might faint. Lawl.
and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.
Whenever I'm upset, I also look into eyes expressing depressing sorrow and evilness to calm down.
And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.
Just as you.. what? What?
Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.
I am pretty sure they were standing—He then proceeds to climb on top of her, and then kneels on a tree. I have to give it to you,Enoby, that's some pretty mutant leg strength.
He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.
Even your bra!? Dude. Ris-qué.
Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
*Snorts* Excuse me why I die. Oh my lord. I just.. I just. I'm sorry. I can't.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed.
Sounds like pornstar. Enoby, you're faking it, aren't you?
I was beginning to get an orgasm.
That's right. Cuz Malfoy always fucks on the first date. Dembitchez be all up on him.
We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.
'And then.. And then I got all warm.. and.. and stuff. Yeah'
And then….
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOUMOTHERFUKERS!"
It was….Dumbledore!
Suddenly… I want the Potter Movies refilled with Samuel L. Jackson playing Dumbledore. Forealz. Let's get some feedback on that one.
Chapter 5.
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!
Oh I'm the poser?
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS imnut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Dumbledore charred his hand off and suffered from that and he didn't swear. And who is giving you these good reviews? I want to read them.
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold up. I thought you said you had limpidtears, Enoby. Now you're crying blood?
Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
Take note as this is the last time these poor characters will have their names spelled correctly.
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.
*Snickers* Sexual Intercourse
.
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
Does she know what mediocre mean? I would rather be called an average dunce than an extreme dunce.
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
And you can't blame him, I mean, he just got off his period.
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very may go up to your rooms."
Alright, so a lot of flamers are upset because they got off the hook for having sex at school, but this is actually pretty true toSnape's character—He would let Malfoy go for any reason.
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.
This is quite a change of wardrobe from the MCR T-Shirt mentioned earlier.
When I came out…. Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,
O.O
and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.
Ya know. If my boyfriend doesn't one day stand outside of my bathroom and then start singing to me once I came out, I am going to tell him he's failed as a man.
I was so flattered,
So I looked up the lyrics to this song. How is this in anyway relevant and more so, how is it flattering?
even though he wasn't supposed to be there.
According to the books, she shouldn't have been able to get up there in the first place. Poor Ron learned this the hard way.
We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
How are you guys doing, out there? Still good?
Chapter 6.
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give megoood revows!
WHO GAVE HER THE FIVE REVIEWS TO CONTINUE!?
The next day I woke up in my coffin.
Really? I thought you would have woken up in the garbage can.
I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.
BAHAHAHAHAHA! Ladies and Gentlemen, VampiressEbony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, the most hardcoregoffik girl on the planet *snorts* Spary-paints her hair. What? Did Mommy not let you dye your hair like a big girl? Move…Moving on.
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with
Oh. I get it. Because you're a vampire. This with the spray-painted hair? This just keeps getting better.
blood instead of milk,
I can't imagine blood and chocolate tasting very good together.
and a glass of red blood.
What other color would it be?
Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.
I wouldn't be too upset. Blood on my top? Brutal.
I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.
Oh no.. No no no. This better not head where I think it'sheading.
He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.
[Screams Internally]
He didn't have glasses anymore
[Squeals Externally]
and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's
Red contacts? We're not thinking creatively, now are we? Haven't you ever seen Don't Hug Me I'm Scared?
and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.
YOU STOP RIGHT THERE. THIS IS NOT HARRY POTTER.
He had a manly stubble on his chin.
I am going to hurt you.
He had a sexy English accent.
Whaaat? You'd think this was England or something.
He looked exactly like Joel Madden.
If by that you mean they both look like trying Too Hard In All The Wong Directions, then yes.
He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection
Wut.
only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.
I'm the sicko?
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
We aren't upset anymore, just because he is attractive.
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.
YOU ARE RUINING CULTURE.
"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.
I actually really enjoy picturing this with a go-lucky happy face and a half shrug and topping off the phrase by adding 'silly' to the end.
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.
You don't say.
"Really?" he whimpered.
Why is he whimpering this?
"Yeah." I roared.
First we exclaim things in depressed voices, now we roar with periods. Kay.
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.
Sys he has srpris
tks Enoby's upstrs
tks Enoby's cloths of
Ebny tk Dorko's cloths of
Dorko isn't Dorko
Actualy is Dolan
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
It's times like these I'm actually glad I stopped listening to Evanescence
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 godreviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN godvons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
Tin…. Tin.
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polishas we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings
This sentence made me want to cry.
on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik aMaru Sue 2 u?).
I… Well I mean I guess not, but it isn't exactly not Mary Sue, either. Just kind of irrelevant. Especially since you literally justsaid you had black nail polish on.
I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.
Dark Misery was in his depressed eyes. How redundant can we be?
I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.
Well aren't we a little full of ourselves?
Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…
I bet your surprise is a Dick in the Box.
We started frenching passively
Not that into each other?
and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.
Hey! I was right!
He felt me up before I took of my top.
That is not nearly as fun as the other way around.
Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.
Lea.. Did she say leather bra?
We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is datstupid?)
He put his boy's thingy into yours?
A. My entire perspective of this story just changed.
B. How did he get his into yours O.o I may not be too familiarwithmale anatomy, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to be possible.
C. Yes. It's very stupid.
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm
She finishes faster than a 15 year old boy losing his virginity.
when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!
*sigh* of course. Drairy. I am more of a Drapple fan, myself.
I was so angry.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
I know! Underage tattoos of high-school relationships are nevera good idea! What was he thinking!?
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
SHE KNOWS TOO MUCH, DRACO. KILL HER OFF WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE!
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"
Now you do too.
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.
Apparently, huffily is actually a word. Huh.
Draco ran out even though he was naked.
He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.
There are literally no words.
I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. "VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
Note, she write 'motherfucker' shortly after she says boy's thingy instead of penis.
Chapter 8.
AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!
No…. My country needs me! I must flass!
Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
I would have at least grabbed a blanket. Come on, Draco. Where's all that Pure Blood Class?
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
Screamed sadly…
My friend B'loody Mary Smith
I would really like to know where she got the idea for the apostrophe.
smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.
You lost me.
Hermione
NOPE.
was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires
NOPE.
and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother
NOPE.
and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.
DOUBLE NOPE.
(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snapedemeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
Again with the double insult.
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
Didn't she just meet him that morning? They sure hit it off quick.
Everyone gasped.
Because everyone cares.
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.
We are Draco, now?
I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)
Of. Freeking. Course. Okay, I really don't have a problem with people being bi. Honest. But when some little pre-teen comes out and says their bi, it's total bullshit 98% of the time. You may be a bit confused at that point, but being bisexual doesn't usually last. Remember all those kids in middle school who claimed to be bi? How many of them turned out to be gay or lesbian in the end? Right. Rant over—I really hope I didn't offend any of you because that is so not my intention.
for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.
Fukkin Britney.
We were just good friends now.
Let's see how badly we can screw the tenses of this sentence up!
He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
Huh?
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire."Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed.
I really don't see why she doesn't believe him.
I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco
Virility: the masculine property of being capable of copulation and procreation. Going back to the assumption the Enoby doesin fact have a 'boy's thing' like she said, I guess that night in the woods was a bigger disaster than it seemed.
and then I started to bust into tears.
That sounds painful.
Chapter 9.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!
I don't think she even ever picked up Dr. Seuss.
dis is frum da movie ok
No… No it really isn't. I think you're confusing it with fan made Rule 34 Potter movies.
so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
MCR is relevant again?
I was so mad and sad.
And this was so bad. Oh this was the worst day that I've ever had. This emotion is not just a quick passing fad, Oh I do not think I could ever be glad.
I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
How romantic.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose
Did he have a nose?
Also. An horrible man.
(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.
Psht. What a poser.
It was… Voldemort!
Ohhh. Thanks for clearing that up. See, I thought it was just another horrible man with red eyes and no nose that was basically like Voldemort in the movies.
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemortshouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.
I don't think he got very far with that one.
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.
Que?
Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.
I bet she doesn't know what a sadist is.
"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"
I thought about Vampire and his sexah
Sexah.
eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.
I almost feel bad for Joel.
I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
This reminds me on Timone and Pumba. You know how Pumbawill get this great idea, and then Timone will put him down for it, and then just say what Pumba suggested as if it were his idea?
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun.
I'll be damned if Voldmort ever touched a device Muggles used for killing.
"No! Please!" I begged.
"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"
As a fan and almost fluent speaker of Old English (I read a lot of 18th century literature, don't judge), I have to say this pains me.
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
Picture it. Do it. Do it now.
"I hath telekinesis."
Let's add this to the list of things Enoby doesn't know the definition of.
he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
Oh my god. Light bulb. How much better would this have been if he just slowly backed up into the shadows with his broomstick on reverse?
I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"
Again with the creative greetings.
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)
No. And I don't want to.
between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
Why does everyone look like Joel? I think Mr. Maden has some explaining to do.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No." he answered.
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.
Draco, you are one desperate man.
Chapter 10.
AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! psit turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
Again, remember the gay fags remark.
I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.
That is a terrible band name. And I listen to high-school punk bands.
I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.
Because you're a Mary Sue. Everyone knows all the badass bitches play bass.
People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.
I didn't think there could ever be such an awful combination.
The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire,
But you just met Vampire this morning!?
Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)
Diabolo. Ron almost escaped the story.
and Hargrid.
So there are six people in this band, and one of them sings andplays guitar. I'm guessing Draco plays rhythm guitar, B'loodyMary is on bass, Diabolo is on drums, Vampire is on sensitive male voice and tambourine… And Hargrid is… The blunt roller? Why not.
Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead.
I would kill to see those lyrics.
I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too
SINCE WHEN?
and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)
That has to be one of the Top Three most retarded things in thefic.
or a steak)
And you can make a lovely meal out of it afterwards.
and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.
Not… Not that depressing. And a note, if you're depressed, you don't skip band practice to wallow in self-pity. You drag your sorry ass over there and throw your misery into your art. Ya dig?
I put on a black leather shirt
Jesus, does she realize these can't be comfortable? Think before you make up clothes.
that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
You might be a slut if….
We were singing a cover of 'Helena'
I thought they weren't playing?
and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.
The song is about Gerard's grandmother. That's really very sad and all, but I really don't think you connected with it that much.
"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.
Concerted voice?
"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.
Ooooooh snap.
And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.
Pro Writing Tip: saying fuck all the time will make you seem like you are a better writer.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
Oh my. Can we please have someone act this story out? At least… At least this scene.
"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!"
Damn. Bitch got SERVED.
(c is dat out of character?)
Not really, considering this isn't even Draco anymore.
I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.
I CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF THIS EMOTION.
We practiced for one more hour.
Like nothing ever happened.
Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. "What have you done!"
On the account of this story; My words exactly, Albus.
He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."
Didn't she say that he couldn't die from that? And does this mean she doesn't have to kill Vampire anymore? Because now she has nothing to lose.
Chapter 11.
AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!
I'm sure it does.
sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4hleping me!
Get out, Raven. Get out while you still can.
"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off
Why is she so mean to B'loody Mary?
and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.
And Draco didn't?
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a LinkinPark song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.
As ridiculous as this scene sounds (Because remember, this is a cut of meat she is going to stab herself with), let's take a moment to realize that she addresses the issue of bathing here, which was only spoken about once in the entire Harry Potter series.
I was so fucking depressed!
Uhg. Gawd.
I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly.
Sandly? Like, was she at the beach recently?
I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff
Oh dear lord. Metal stuff? Metal stuff?
on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fuckingbelieve it.
Uhg. My boyfriend killed himself. Better dress like a slut.
Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!
Come on Snap… It's not that she's a minor… It's just.. Enoby?Don't you have any standards?
And Loopin was masticating to it!
Lupin was eating the tape?
They were sitting on their broomsticks.
"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.
Hold Up. Marilyn Manson has his own line of towels? That is not a face I would want to wrap around my naked body.
Suddenly Vampire ran in.
"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.
Abra Kedavra! Open Mustard Seed!
I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in.
Dumblydore! :D
"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I can't keep from picturing a Darth Vader scream.
he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…
Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
*In the middle of gun fight* Guys. Guys srlsly. Srlsly . Srlsy. We need to talk.
"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"
Little? Student?
"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargiridpaused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
Oh God there is a movie scene this is reminding me of… Help me!
"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand
You shot at him a gazillion times, and all you got was his hand?
where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.
Wait…. What?
Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.
This is going in my vocabulary.
"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"
Good God.
I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.
"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.
Clook?
And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.
You acidentallied you sentence, Enoby. Enoby. Youaccidentallied your story life.
"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…."
Because you love her, right?
Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
Uh huh. Right.
"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.
Of course he is
"Because I LOVE HER!"
Yep.
Chapter 12.
AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl inamerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wifebony dat was sedric ok!
Where is this girl from? I know America is known for stupidity sometimes, but we are also known for pride and gaddammit if you can't spell 'MERICA THEN GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY YOU SOCIALIST GOD-HATING CHINESE SPEAKING ILLEGAL IMMAGRANT MUSLIM.
…. And… And Cedric?
I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife thatDrago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knewthat we must both go together. "NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.
I think we are missing something here. Other than Draco becoming a Drag Queen.
He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
*snicker* Red whites? And again with the Vader 'NOOOOOO!'
I stopped. "How did u know?"
"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"
"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. I DON'T UNDERSTAD.
"I do but Diabolo
Oh.. So that wasn't a typo. She seriously thinks it's Diabolo.
changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation."
What is the point of changing it if you are just going to cover it up?
he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!
From?
then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"
I thought Vampire was having the visions?
Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles
St. Mangos….
and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.
Wanna hear a story? At my school they banned yoga pants (not complaining, but carrying on) on the account that it was 'making the male teachers uncomfortable.' This leads to wonders such as: Why are you hiring teachers that are uncomfortable around teenagers in yoga pants?
Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera
….. Ow.
they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.
3edgy5me.
Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.
"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.
"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped.
Psht. Soooooorrry.
Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.
"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."
"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?"
Poser prep? Like, is he posing to be a prep?
I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.
I thought they weren't roses?
"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap andLoopin."
Because everyone in the world is going to watch it, Mary Sue.
Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)
Yes.
to it he added silently.
"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.
He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses."He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .
Awwwww shit. Bringing in the MCR lyrics. Shit just got real.
"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.
wisely.
"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes."
For…?
Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute!specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"
I have looked, but I can't seem to find this in the song 'I'm Not Okay' however, there is some pretty neat fan work for this. Not a bad idea to check it out.
And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black.
"And now I cannot speak!
I've lost my voice!
Speechless and redundant 'cause
I love you THIS IS ATTROCIOUS 's not enough—
I'm lost for words."
Now I knew he wasn't a prep.
Okay, seriously. What is so bad about 'preps?' I actually have a few 'prep' friends and they are pretty freaking nice.
"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"
I don't know. Does he have any relation to Draco?
Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. "U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n daflmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)
This is supposed to be a pun?
u mst find urslf 1st, k?"
"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!"Hargrid yelled.
Wut?
dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, profdumbledoree!"
Wow, passive aggressive remarks. You're too cool for school.
Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them.
NO. I LIVED WHEN YOU RUINED DRACO. I SURVIVED WHEN YOU DESROYED HARRY. I MADE IT THROUGH YOU PULLING HERMIONE INTO THIS AND I ESCAPED WHEN YOU MENTIONED RON. BUT YOU ARE NOTUNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ALLOWED TO TOUCH OR EVER MENTION THE EXISTANCE OF BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG AGAIN. YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND LEAVE BILLIE ALONE. …. Kay. *deep breath* I'm cool. I'm cool, I'm cool. I'm good.
I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fukoff!)
Oh, so we're doing this again?
and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.
"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly.
I don't think I have ever heard the word kawaii used in a sad term.
"Fangs (geddit)
I wish I didn't.
you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.
Just… Just stop.
I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snapand Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.
I can actually totally see this version of Harry growing up aspiring to be a groomer.
He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.
As it was said, 50 times over now.
He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.
Hufflepuffs don't have blood… they're filled with cotton candy and other weird, questionable, fluffy substances.
"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in anwqually said way.
We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.
Didn't we go over this already?
Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.
Boy, that escalated quickly.
"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
Mc… McGoggle. McGoggle said horny simpletons. *snickers*
"Vampire you fucker!"
Now that is a good pun….. Oh. I don't think she meant that one.
I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.
What just happened?
Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!"
and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
Here we go again.
"NO!" I ran up closer.
"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.
"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"
And…. Again? This is very familiar.
SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I
I really do have faith in Raven. I think of she stopped hanging out with Tara, she could really do great things.