Chapter 1: The Shades Of Heartache
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.
Author's Note: I decided to do another Kogan story I'm a sucker for the pairing, what do you want from me? This one is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who helped me come up with the idea for this one. You know who you are! Anyway, please enjoy the story and tell me what you think!
Logan gazed down at his fidgeting hands, watching them jerk and shudder in irrepressible spasms. Nothing filled the air apart from the tender scribbling of a pen against a notepad. He hated the silence. It swathed around in the atmosphere, stealing away the comforting ambience of the office. It made scathing judgments him for how he felt; criticizing him for the secret quietly eating away at his heart. Even though this was a place where he came to lay himself bare, it was still unnerving to simply give into the yielding rawness of it all. It would take time for him to come to terms with the predicament he'd landed himself in, he understood that most of all: he'd already made too many mistakes in his foolish impulsiveness, only to be rewarded by the resounding echo of heartache. It would have been somewhat of a beautiful irony if he wasn't so torn up about it – the first time he'd ever acknowledged how he felt, he had felt himself crumble, unable to bear the weight of the melancholy. Now, he did it to be healed, and in the slight hope that someday he would wake up and found that he wasn't hurting anymore.
The deep chocolate of his eyes looked up to see Dr. Harding look intently at what she had just written, almost as if expecting the words to come to life. There was something about the woman that made reminded Logan of Lucy Stone. It could have been the unorthodox beauty her face held, or simply the slight aura of stormy brooding she commanded. In either case, the brunette always felt that his clandestine confessions were safe with her. She was just so different from the typical psychiatrist: instead of a distantly clinical ear, she always listened with a fierce intensity, pushing Logan for reasons as to what he felt inside. At times, things got too honest; leaving him utterly vulnerable and open to the world, but the emotional wounds would always pay off when he sat down and thought about that day's session. After all, what was the point of therapy if it wasn't cathartic? Six months of brutal frankness directed inward would hopefully erase the illogical affection taunting him… at least it should, but Logan Mitchell knew better than anyone that matters of the heart are rarely ever linear.
"Logan?" The brunette snapped out of his serene reverie, the warmth of his eyes adjusting on the shrink in front of him to call his powers of attention to order. Dr. Harding gave him a brief smile to ease the unsettling gleam troubling his irises. She took one last glance at the notes on her lap. "Logan, I'm going to need your complete honesty here." She watched with a vague interest as he shifted distressingly in his seat. After all this time, he still had some difficulty in diving into his emotions. "After six months, do you still regard telling him how you felt as the biggest mistake in your life?" A different stillness fell upon the room as the brunette carefully considered her question, this one a little more abrasive than the last. How could such a simple inquiry be so heavily demanding? Logan threw his mind back to that one particular moment, feeling the essence of it wash over him: the apprehension, the blankness, the hurt; all of it came back in a unified startling clarity. The admission of his love was something he tried his best to block from his mind, but now he required it to all flow back. "Yeah" he murmured softly. He looked up at Dr. Harding with glazed eyes. "It still is."
"Why?" The reply was immediate, but he heard the hint of sympathy carefully embedded in it. He exhaled a cloud of longing breath. "Because I can't feel this way. What would happen to Big Time Rush if people found out that I loved him? Our whole image is based on us pursuing girls. If anyone found out…" His throat seized up, allowing his sentence to fade away into nothingness. This was starting to strike too hard. "I don't want us to fail. We've come so far." The shrink nodded thoughtfully, twirling the plastic cylinder of a pen in her hand like a baton. "But let's talk hypothetically here. Let's say Big Time Rush never happened and you all were still in Minnesota. Why would you still regard your confession as your biggest mistake?" Logan dropped his eyes once more. It was something he had considered himself. Take away the fame and fortune that the band had amassed, and he would be just a man who was nursing a broken heart. At least being a singer offered him the opportunity to lose himself in something. He couldn't stand being that close to him, knowing his feelings would never be returned. "It hurts too much" he whispered. The fine mists of tears clouded over his shimmering brown eyes, each one containing an eternity of hurt in their saline confines. "It hurts too much that he'll never love me back."
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Logan was too preoccupied by the swirling miasma consuming his thoughts to take notice of the bustling hum of the people around him. The one good thing about Dr. Harding's office was its location: close enough to Rocque Records and the Palm Woods for him to slip away without drawing attention, but far enough to ensure that his sessions were kept under wraps. The last thing he needed was for everyone to know he was seeing a psychiatrist. There would be too many questions that demanded answers, answers he was certain that he would not be able to give, and it would only snowball from there. He was scared of the anger he would receive, but even more so of the sympathy. He always had to play the voice of reason in the band, the conscience against which the others acted off their audacious, and often, imprudent schemes. Everyone expected him to be at the top of his game, something which had become so intrinsic; he could no longer see himself being anything else. Emotions were complex game, and in his case, it was best left untouched. He had only broken this code once, and vowed never to do so again. The consequences were simply too great.
"So this is where you've been sneaking off to" came a familiar voice from behind the brunette. Logan froze, processing the impish edge. With torrents of dread flowing through him, he turned around to see the confident smirk of Kendall Knight flash brazenly at him. This couldn't be happening. Not him of all people. "Kendall, what are you doing here?" he asked, searching the light green of the blonde's eyes for an answer, but more so for a reason for his unsettling presence. Kendall's smile grew. "I followed you" he said simply, as if his answer was the most obvious thing in the world. Logan cursed himself mentally for not being more careful. "You know, you've been hard to get a hold on lately" said the blonde, indicating that they should walk together. He swung his head solicitously towards Logan. "Never would have thought you of all people would be seeing a shrink."
"Join the club" said the brunette despondently, cautiously averting his gaze to anywhere but the blonde. The weight of having been found out crashed spectacularly about him, causing his shoulders to droop. God only knew what Kendall would do this piece of information. The others would soon find out, and then they would know EVERYTHING. He could just see Gustavo erupting with more molten fury than usual, sending Kelly to try and spin the situation for in case the public got wind. His world would fall to his feet again, and this time it wouldn't right itself like it had done before.
"This doesn't have anything to do with what you told me, right?" asked Kendall tentatively, pausing momentarily to look at the brunette with deep consternation. His words set Logan's heart racing in rapid beats against his chest. A faint hint of scarlet traced around in his milky cheeks as his breath came in quickened, shallower pulses. He still remembered. After all this time, he still remembered that one fateful day. "No, it doesn't" answered Logan quietly, wishing he could lose himself in the comfort of his lie. It would make things a hell of a lot easier for him. Kendall's expression grew blank at his answer. "Look Logan, it's-"
"Don't. Please." The brunette's voice was barely a painful quiver. It hurt too much for him to stand there and listen to all the reasons why he couldn't love Kendall, and why the blonde couldn't love him back. He looked at the concerned green eyes and silently implored them to drop the topic. Logan wasn't sure as to how many wounds he would have to endure before he was rid of this curse of affection. All he knew was that with the myriad of scars that his heart wore, it would only take one stupid moment for it to shatter inside of him.
As they walked back to the Palm Woods together, Logan felt a stabbing pain pierce through his chest. He had been nothing short of a glorious fool to fall in love with one of his best friends. He was helpless to fight it – Kendall Knight was such a powerful magnet of confidence and beauty, and he didn't even know it. Through all the years of knowing him, the brunette had discovered it was only upon moving to Los Angeles that he saw his friend in a completely new light. He had struggled with it at first: Big Time Rush had just completed their first tour and started to enjoy unprecedented flavors of success. Any action that was considered less than desirable could have sink the four of them back into enigmatic obscurity. Logan had truly struggled with his psyche – every time Kendall laid a friendly hand on his shoulder was a bittersweet torment he relished in, every moment spent alone with him was death in its most exquisite avatar. Every fantasy had to be solemnly abolished from his mind. Kendall was friend, nothing more. Besides, he was involved with Jo up until she moved to New Zealand. A taken, straight man was the object of his desire – he found it hard to get any more pathetic than that. For nights, he would try to rid himself of what he felt, but his affection grew in the face of his attempts to thwart it. Finding it hard to live around the blonde, Logan eventually gathered up an atypical courage and confessed his heart to Kendall. The green-eyed singer was the epitome of astonishment upon hearing that the brunette loved him, but admitted that he didn't swing that way. He was flattered of course, but he was unable to reciprocate the seemingly bottomless love Logan held for him.
That same night was the first time Logan felt the cold touch of heartache wrap its unwanted fingers around him. How could he have been so stupid to tell Kendall how he felt? Wasn't it bad enough that he felt this way? Now, he had to live with the regret of knowing that the blonde would forever know what went on inside his head. He should have known better than to tell him, there was no possibility of him feeling even remotely the same way. He had made the dangerous mistake of confusing a deep friendship for the uncertain promise of love, and now he had paid the price. With each passing day, the storm grew worse, getting to the point where he could no longer function. The pain was too intense for him to bear, erupting around him in hopelessly bleak periods. He needed help to cope somehow, and sought out Dr. Harding. Ever since then, he had come a long way in accepting how he felt, but still held the childish hope that he wouldn't feel this way for Kendall anymore. "I want to not love him anymore" he thought dejectedly. "I need to." But despite the optimism, he knew that miracles were few and far between. Kendall would probably be embedded in his heart forever.
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Logan could feel the numerous side glances Kendall stole at the milky rejection on his face all the way back to the Palm Woods. He couldn't blame the blonde – he had been resolute in sticking to his own little sad world. He had been injured enough for today. As they entered the subdued brown of the lobby, the brunette stopped in his tracks and gazed at the blonde through narrowed eyes. Kendall turned around and threw him a bemused frown. "Why'd you stop?"
"I need a favor from you." It was a demand more than anything else, but the soft tone of his voice offset the burning need. Kendall took a step closer, sending the brunette's heart into overdrive again. His soft bee-stung lips flushed with a yearning to know what was troubling his friend. Logan immediately dropped his head, looking at his dirty white sneakers with an intense interest. He couldn't bare the compassionate gleam in the blonde's eyes for one more second. "Are you going to tell anyone that you saw me the psychiatrist's?"
"Depends. Do you want me to?" Logan shuffled uncomfortably. "No."
"Then I won't." Logan looked up sharply. "Really?" Kendall grinned playfully, devastating his friend for the umpteenth time. "Really." Logan smiled gratefully, walking ahead once more. His secret was safe for now.
"Ah, Devil Boy" droned Mr. Bitters dryly as they passed the front desk. "I didn't do it" said Kendall quickly, freezing where he stood. "Didn't do what?" asked the older man, shifting his considerable weight to his shoulders. He eyed the blonde suspiciously. "What are you talking about?"
"I don't know, what are YOU talking about?" Mr. Bitters shook his head. "I've got a message for you." He pulled a small piece of yellow paper from his pocket and began to read. "Your girlfriend's back from New Zealand. She's waiting for you by the pool."
"Give me that!" exclaimed the blonde, grabbing the note from the sausage-like fingers. His eyes skimmed over the words, positively jumping with excitement. He wordlessly turned on his heel and strode towards the pool, leaving Logan in the familiar company of his loneliness.
The brunette walked over to the elevator, fighting back the menacing sting of his tears. Jo was back… it shouldn't make that much of difference in his life, but it would change everything. It would be back to watching her lips collide with Kendall, ignoring the daggers of jealousy and heartache every time they hugged and feeling himself die whenever he heard those three words being said between the two of them. This was what his life was reduced to – being murdered by unrequited passions, and he was powerless to stop it. "He isn't mine. No matter how much I want him to be, he will never love me." It was a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Having Jo here gave him the push he needed to finally move on from Kendall Knight. The real challenge lay in whether he wanted to. Already, he had given his heart for it to be shattered. Destiny was determined to see him lose the game of love. "I don't want to love you." What a beautiful lie.
Hey guys, what did you think? Please hit that review button and let me know, it really makes me a happy person. If you don't, well what can I say? I'll have to get a shrink on my own! Till next time! ;)