BARTIMAEUS
My essence growled with annoyance as I felt the tell-tale pull of a summoning. As always, I tried to cling to the mass of particles that made up the Other Place; as always, nothing changed. Groaning with despair, I allowed the pulling to drag me from the place where I wanted to stay the most.
Nevertheless, the tugging which caused me to appear in this damned world seemed oddly...familiar. I struggled momentarily with the memory; why did it feel like I had endured this so many times before? Taking my preferred form, I decided to add a bit of flair to my summoning. As I materialized unwillingly, I let loose some think fog, hoping to creep out my new master. The pentacle in which I appeared was drawn on wooden floors.
"I am Bartimaeus of Uruk...Who dares summon me?"
"I do."
Those two words were all it took for me to realise, with a sudden jolt, just what was happening. In a blink of the eye, the fog had disappeared from my pentacle, confirming my suspicions.
Him, the one who had left my mind and soul in disarray; exhausted, in pain...and utterly bewildered.
No...Not this. This is not happening.
All the memories came flooding mercilessly back and despite myself, I clamped my eyes shut, hoping if I shut him off from my sight, the raw flood of memories would cease. Of course, I wasn't granted that simple luxury.
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, the black blissfully hiding my view, but not soothing my soul. I had not been expecting this. I was sure as hell not prepared for this.
"Bartimaeus."
My eyes snapped open in a flash, my copper irises piercing him. Somehow, the way he said my name caused a sudden explosion of anger to engulf me. After the dismissal, I had drowned in guilt, I had suffered, cursed, screamed, but nothing had quelled the raging fire I had felt throughout my essence. It had left me confused at everything I had felt in the second I was still one with him before being wrenched away to the Other Place.
Looking at him now, I realised he really hadn't been worth it.
"...You," it was barely a whisper. All the pent up guilt, anger, confusion, every God forsaken emotion, thought and doubt which had accumulated since that event began to bubble and grow, painfully clawing their way to the surface of a place inside me where I was sure I had buried them for good. The intensity of which they hit me, all amassed in one big tempest, caused my self-control to bend under its almighty weight. It all but crushed me. "You! Who the hell do you think you are!?"
"Bartimaeus, please, hear me out-" Hear him out? After everything, he just expects me to sit there, listening like a puppy?
"What the hell do you think you were playing at!? You think this is funny, some kind of a joke?" I roared, my form blurring at the edges with fury. "Bastard! You horrible, worthless piece of shit!"
He was obviously angered at this; he clenched his fists at his sides, knuckles turning white. "H-Hey! What do you think-"
"Do you have any idea of what I have been through since then?" I didn't feel the need to explain myself. Oh, no, this brat was the only one going to be doing the explaining around here.
"Shut the hell up for a minute and let me speak!" Nathaniel yelled, stamping his foot. I snarled bitterly; the temperature in the room suddenly plummeted, the candles flickering.
"Oh, excuse me! Is that an order, dear master?" I spat out the word like it was venom. If the sudden change in environment affected Nathaniel, he didn't show it. He fixed me with a steady gaze, his pupils dilated with rage.
"Why are you angry!? I saved your life!"
"And caused me suffering, pain, confusion – a whole load of crap that I really didn't want! AND YOU AREN'T EVEN DEAD!" What was happening to me? All these feelings were swirling throughout my essence, causing my self-control to waver. I knew some of them; anger, resentment, confusion, even a tad upset. But the others, I wasn't sure; did I detect a hint of...relief?
"Stupid spirit! Be quiet! Let me explain!" He screamed, beating a fist against his chest. "Look, I'm sorry for whatever-"
"That's it!? That's all you have to say? I'm sorry!?" I seethed, shaking with rage, no longer in control of what came out of my mouth. "You left me in a world of guilt; you left me in pain; you left me feeling more confused than I had even been in my entire existence!"
"Bartimaeus! Please give me a chance! I had no choice! You would have died – even when I thought I was going to die, I still cared enough about you to let you live, even though I wouldn't be around to see it!" He pleaded, his voice cracking slightly. I grimaced.
"Why, thank you!" That dripped with sarcasm so much, I sort of felt the urge to punch myself. The boy – no, now that I properly looked at him, young man would be the correct word – cursed under his breath.
"Calm down, please! I will tell you anything you want, just...calm down." He said the words, slowly, taking deep breaths in between in an attempt to relax himself as well.
His words had some sort of affect on me; the destructive fire that had so far engulfed me began to die down. It was quickly replaced with a desperate need for answers, for comfort. After a pregnant pause – in which I managed to pull myself together enough to control my mouth – I sat down in my pentacle, still eyeing Nathaniel.
"...Very well," I said evenly.
"Did you want to die?" He suddenly asked, seriously. I admit, this threw me slightly, but then I remembered what I went through. My answer came straight from my soul.
"I would have preferred to die than go through what I did after you dismissed me." Nathaniel started, staring at me. I glared at the floor, hating his sympathy.
Silence. The only sound in the room was his light breathing. It took me a few moments to gather myself and look him straight in the eyes, which I had been avoiding ever since I had materialised. He gazed back, his bright blue eyes full of angst. Normally, I would have been able to hold his stare, but at this moment it proved too much for me. My eyes darted to glare at the lines of the pentacle. I heard him draw a deep breath.
"It's been six months since...Anyway, I didn't summon you because I thought...I was afraid of how you would react..." His voice trailed off. I looked up at him, a tense smirk on my face.
"I didn't know you were afraid of me, Natty boy," My smile grew wider as I shrugged. "Although I can't really blame you."
He clenched his jaw, now glaring at the floor in front of him. "For some reason, I was less afraid of you biting my head off – like what you just did – than if you acted completely indifferent..." He shook his head slightly, smiling to himself. "It's good to know I am something to you, even if it's your least favourite master..."
I stared at him, the smirk wiped clean off my face. How was I supposed to reply to that? I am normally never lost for words – thanks to my superior intelligence – but I was now, my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.
"...D-Damned right!" I managed to gabble out, irritable about how he could affect me. "I can honestly say I have never suffered such abuse; you completely thrash all my previous masters in terms of ruthlessness!" This, or course, was a complete lie. It was true that Nathaniel had driven me to exhaustion, but he never really punished me for failure.
Nathaniel looked up at me then, the edges of his mouth pulled down slightly.
"Bartimaeus...I know I will never be able to make it up to you, to thank you for everything, but..." His voice quivered. "I want you to know that...I am dreadfully sorry, and I offer you my sincerest apology. I am also grateful beyond imagination for your services..."
NATHANIEL
The djinni sat there in its pentacle, staring intently back into my eyes, it's mouth hanging open ever so slightly. I was concentrating on not showing my grief, my distress. Of course I meant nothing to Bartimaeus; I had repeated it to myself millions of times in the past few months, trying to stop myself from summoning him. Nevertheless, his words had pierced my aching heart.
And all these feelings the spirit kept mentioning; they surely couldn't be the same feelings I myself had been experiencing; the feelings of grief, confusion, doubt, and – it made me shiver with contempt as I thought this – possibly even love...? Nathaniel couldn't tell anymore.
No! Stop it! I thought bitterly to myself. That's just wrong, and it's against the rules–
"Thank you..." The djinni's voice stopped his thoughts instantly. I gawped at Bartimaeus – had the djinni just accepted my apology? It looked just as surprised as I felt, as if it had let something slip.
"W-What?" The spirit continued to gaze at me with alarmed black eyes. "What did you just say...?"
"I said 'thank you', God damned it!" Bartimaeus suddenly burst out. It seemed distressed, angry, confused. It fists were clenched at its sides.
"Bartimaeus, what's wrong!?" The djinni shook its head, its eyes squeezed shut, its hands over its ears. I was alarmed, worried even.
"What is happening to me?" It whispered to itself, panic and rage entering its voice.
"What do you mean?" I spluttered, now feeling panicky myself. My heartbeat began to pick up speed. "Bartimaeus, are you oka-"
"No! I'm certainly not okay!"
"Are you sure? You're acting-"
"SHUT UP!" The demon suddenly screamed. Its eyes flashed open, focusing on me so intently I froze. I was no longer looking at a cool and collected spirit. I was now looking at a demon which has lost control. "This is all your fault!"
"What?"
"Ever since you dismissed me, I have been subjected to these feelings! I have no idea what they are!" It temperature in the room was turning wild; one second I was shivering with cold, the next I was wiping my sweaty brow. The djinni's eyes never left mine. "I hate it! I wish they would all just disappear! I wish I had never met you so that I wouldn't have to feel what I'm feeling! This is all your fault! I hate it! I HATE IT!" Bartimaeus yelled so loud, a massive tremor went through the ground. My already shaky legs couldn't support my weight; I stumbled and fell backwards out of the pentacle.
I honestly believed I was done for.
Quicker than the blink of an eye, I felt myself being slammed against the wall behind my pentacle, my feet dangling off the ground. I gasped as my bones rattled with the impact. Bartimaeus' strong hands grasped my collar, pinning me against the wall. I let out a strangled cry, clutching the spirit's wrists so hard my knuckles turned white. It, naturally, didn't feel a thing. My heartbeat going crazy, I shut my eyes, hoping my suffering would end soon.
"B-Bartimaeus!" I gasped, trying to pull its hands off my collar – to no avail. "Let g-go! G-GET OFF ME!"
"You stupid magician! What have you done to me!?" The demon yelled in my face, gripping me harder. "Why am I so...so...Why do I feel so weird!?"
"How am I supposed to know!?" I spat, wriggling in its grip. Bartimaeus growled in frustration and shook me again, violently slamming me back against the wall, knocking the wind out of me.
"Because you caused this." It hissed darkly. I opened my eyes, and was rewarded with the full glare of Bartimaeus, a few inches away, staring right into my soul. The djinni's eyes were dark pits of fury and angst. It growled again as I grasped its shoulder, struggling to pull air into my lungs.
"What the hell-"
"Tell me how to fix it, boy!"
"Maybe if you did what your body and instincts want you to do, you would be relieved!" I choked out. There was some reason to my answer – I didn't just blurt it out randomly; when you're sad, your body causes you to cry, which helps to relieve you of your grief. When you're in pain, your body wants you to stop and stay still so whatever has been injured will heal if you rest. I assumed that whatever Bartimaeus' problems were, the same method could be applied.
The spirit seemed to be aware of my meaning too, but instead of considering what it wanted, it snarled and lowered me to the floor, its hands loosened their grip slightly on my collar. I was too busy trying to drag air into my lugs to care. The djinni's face was still very close to mine.
"You couldn't even be able to fathom what I am suffering through!" It cried, now sounding desperate. "You have no idea! All I want is this crap to be over, so I can continue my existence without it consuming me from the inside out!"
"Do what your body tells you to do," I repeated, as calmly as I could, still out of breath. "Relax and try to think-" A hand slammed into the wall beside my head, stopping my sentence short, splintering the wood.
"Relax!?" It screamed frantically. "I don't know what I want! I don't know what my body wants!" It gave a furious howl. "I'm so confused! I just...I just-!" I had never seen Bartimaeus so helpless before. "I want no more! I just want it to stop-"
I have no idea why I did it. Maybe it was the sight of Bartimaeus so confused at its own emotions; maybe it was my pounding aching heart. Whatever it was, I have no clue.
I seized Bartimaeus' face between my hands and I urgently pressed my lips to his, cutting him off.
BARTIMAEUS
I instantly stopped my furious rant and froze.
He was kissing me. I was kissing him.
My tormented mind, body and soul suddenly calmed down. All the thoughts were wiped out of my mind. All reason was pushed out of my head at the complete bliss of the absence of the feelings I had been experiencing for the past six months. I gave an internal sigh. For some reason unknown to me, my body was reacting to Nathaniel's lips as a sort of antidote to my inner turmoil. I closed my eyes, completely forgetting what was happening at that very moment, simply relishing the peacefulness of my mind.
My mouth remained still, but they felt so sensitive all of a sudden. I could feel the pressure of the boy's lips gradually receding from my own. His shaky hands were loosening their grip on my face. My body reacted to the lack of contact between my lips and his. I gave an involuntary growl of displeasure, and automatically stepped forward, increasing the pressure of my lips against his, pushing him back against the wall. He gave a small gasp under my lips.
That little noise caused realisation to come flooding back to me. My eyes snapped open, and I quickly pulled away, staring at him in complete bewilderment.
I had kissed Nathaniel. And if that wasn't enough of an offense on its own, I had actually enjoyed it.
My hand remained on his shoulder where I held him at a distance. He was looking back at me, equally alarmed and surprised, but there was a glint of understanding in his eyes. I was staring back at him, mouth still hanging open from our brief kiss, completely astonished at my actions. I was so tense and frozen I could have been mistaken for a stone statue.
"I know what is wrong with you," he whispered. I didn't answer him. He leaned a little closer; still I didn't budge. I watched his every movement. His answer was ushered quietly, like a leaf in a breeze.
"You're in love with me."
I began to quiver slightly, my essence finally stirring. Denial coursed through my being. I glowered at him, snarling quietly. Then, as swift as a clap of lightning, I changed into a raven and was out of the window before my snarl even reached his ears.