Author's note: hi, this is the sequel to Undisclosed Desires though you truly don't have to really read it to understand this story, I touch base on a little bit on what lead to John being in a different apartment complex. John and Joss are still steadily building their relationship which I also touch base on as well. I hope I got the timeline correct from the show since I'm not sure how much time passed between Critical and what transpired in Dead Reckoning. So if there is a little timeline error in there I'm sincerely sorry I tried to make sure did a little research, but just to apologize in advance if I screwed up lol.

Ready for angst, I hope because that's what you're in for with this story!Okay so I'll shut it now, hopefully you enjoy! Thanks Elaine for reading this, and being my sounding board for stuff, you are so helpful I truly am indebted to you!

Disclaimer: I tend to forget these things, so for all my stories nothing is mine, truly nothing!

Joss felt like she was outside of her body. She didn't feel connected anymore to the world, it felt like her life had flashed before her eyes and she hadn't even been the one to almost die. She followed him up the stairs to his apartment that Finch had gotten him almost a month ago when Wesley had attempted to kidnap him. Then John had been arrested by Donnelly, along with several other men all wearing suits, and was sent to Rikers. It had been a harrowing time, but it was after getting John out of Rikers that caused them both the most strife. John had been strapped with a bomb to carry out Kara Stanton's heinous plot. Tears threatened to fall for the umpteenth time as she eyed him quietly. He was moving like someone did when in water. Slow, as if he wasn't doing the movements consciously.

Joss waited for him to come down with Finch after he had gotten the bomb vest off. Joss had wanted to fling her arms around him and kiss him because he was safe, because he was alive, and because she was falling in love with him. But she didn't. Fusco and Finch still didn't know about them yet and John had looked like a soft breeze would knock him over. His eyes told her the story that his words didn't. John claimed he was fine, but his eyes pleaded with her not to leave him alone. His eyes shone a heartbreaking desperate look in them. He had been prepared to die and had been prepared to not risk anyone's life to save his own. His hands trembled as he unlocked his door to his apartment and Joss followed him inside. She wanted a nice long cry but she was worried about John's emotional state right now and was determined to be there for him. She'd cry when she was alone and could focus on her own pain. She couldn't even begin to understand what it was like to wait to die. But it nearly destroyed her when Fusco pulled her from him. She felt like as each step she took from him more and more light was snuffed out inside her.

"Home, I bet you're glad to see it," she whispered.

"Yeah," the word barely sounded above a whisper she had to strain to hear it. John hadn't said a word since telling her he was alright which she knew was a lie. She reached out and grabbed his hand needing to touch him as much as she was sure he needed to be touched. To reconnect. Joss pushed aside her own selfish needs as she stepped in front of him pushing the suit jacket off his shoulders. He wasn't looking at her, instead he was staring out the window, and she saw the glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. Joss slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt before yanking it out of his dress pants, and finished the shirt off before pushing it off his shoulders. He had a slight tremble in his body as he continued to stare out the window, most likely not seeing a damned thing.

"Take your shoes off John," she commanded softly, and he almost didn't comply. "Please." He looked down at her and she saw a haunted look filling his normally warm blue eyes. She clamped down on the rising fear that he was withdrawing from the world again. John had been slowly awakening, slowly appearing happy with life again, and now it could be all gone. His already damaged heart and soul was in danger of being completely torn apart after tonight and she wasn't sure she could stop it. He did as she asked and kicked his shoes off. Joss reached out yanking his white undershirt free of his dress pants before her hands slid down to his pants. She unbuttoned, then unzipped them while he watched her without saying a word. No sly comment, not even a ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. Joss just watched his face, searching for the man she was falling in love with. The man that laughed with her, talked with her, relied on her, and quite possibly was falling in love with her just the same. She gently pushed them down to the growing pile of clothing.

They hadn't been intimate yet, she and John had both agreed that they wanted to take things slowly. Sure, she had gone to her gynecologist to get put back on the birth control pill back when they first started dating, but it was for when they were ready and not a moment sooner. They had several dates, they talked, laughed, and made out like a pair of teenagers. Joss had been ready to take it to the next level, she was sure John was too, and then all hell broke loose. He had been arrested, placed in Rikers, and now strapped with a bomb vest to carry out Stanton's dirty work. She hesitated only slightly before she grabbed the hemline of his undershirt, and yanked until he lifted his arms to take the shirt off. Joss left him in his black boxers and his socks, trying to not stare at his semi naked body. Scars marred his body and she reached down grabbing his hand.

"You need a shower, John." Joss tugged him and he allowed her to pull him towards his bathroom. He watched her when she turned from him to start the water. When she was happy with the temperature she turned around to eye him. The same haunted look was in the blue depths and she wished she knew what to say to get the warmth back inside him. "You'll feel better."

"Okay." Joss slid past him to let him take his shower, she shutting the door softly to leave him some privacy. She walked down the short hallways back to his living space where her own jacket laid. She grabbed it to find her cell phone, taking it with her as she walked into his kitchen, needing to make him something to eat. It might taste like sandpaper but he was damn well going to eat something. His new kitchen was different than his previous kitchen back on Baxter street. For this one she had talked him into getting a dinette table so that way, when she brought Taylor over, they all could eat together. Joss yanked his fridge open while she dialed her son's cell phone. She put the phone to her ear as tears made their way down her cheeks. She just needed to hear his voice.

"H-hello?" She dug her teeth into her bottom lip to stop the sob that threatened to escape. She didn't want to scare her kid to death. "Mom, you alright?" the sleepy sound to his voice was long gone.

"I'm good baby, I just needed to hear your voice." she blinked rapidly hoping it would make the tears go away.

"You sound like you're crying. You never cry. Are you alright?"

"Really, baby, I'm okay. Its been a long day and I was just needing to hear your voice. I'm sorry I woke you up, Taylor." John didn't have much in the way of food here. She found eggs, and yanked them out praying they weren't in need to be thrown out. She sighed in relief when the due date was in another few days. "Did you stay over with your friends like you told me you were?"

"Yes, are you sure you are alright?"

"I'm positive, its not me that you should be worried about. Get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, you too mom."

"I love you Taylor."

"I love you too mom." she inhaled as she hung up with her son and found a pan to make the man some scrambled eggs. Not the world's best dinner, but at least it will be something in his stomach.

"Go home." she whirled around not having heard the shower end or him come into the kitchen. She eyed him, his hair was wet, and he stood in his same boxers he had been wearing. "You want to see your son."

"He's at a friend's house. I just wanted to hear his voice after the last few days we've had."

"Will you just go please." He turned away from her and she saw the tears slide from his eyes. Joss walked around his kitchen island and followed him into the living room.

"No, John I'm not leaving you." She reached out, touching his arm much like she had in the hallway of that DoD facility and this time he flinched. He turned to look at her and she wanted to cry at the utter despair in his eyes.

"Please, I want to get drunk and be alone."

"Let me help you," she whispered quietly, standing in front of him, grabbing his hands. "Just talk to me."

"Joss, you always try to take everyone's problems on and try to fix it for them. Well this you can't fix, so just stop." he pulled his hands from her as he angrily swiped at the few tears that dared to fall from his eyes. "You are too kind and nurturing but, Joss, you can't help everyone."

"What you really mean, John, is that I can't help you, right?" her arms hung at her sides, unwilling to run to him, to wrap her arms around him and beg him to let her in. Instead she was going to do this his way, the hard way. "Lets see if I got it right, John? I can help everyone else but you, because you're not allowed to be helped?! Get over yourself, John!"

"Joss, what happened tonight...it was my fault."

"Your fault?" She was incredulous. How the hell did he figure that? He didn't ask to be strapped with a bomb to carry out Stanton's dirty deeds, so how could he blame himself?

"Everything that has happened lately is because of my own stupidity, Joss. So forgive me if I'm not so willing to let it go and forgive myself." Joss was unimpressed by his anger. She looked past it, beneath it, to the hurting man that was clamming up because it was easier than dealing with his pain.

"How is it your fault?" she demanded, waiting for him to say something. Instead he turned and looked out the window of his apartment. He was on the third floor of the six story building. "Come on, John, you can't give me one reason why it's your fault?" he turned to look at her, his eyes flashing with anger. Well it was better than the despair that had been there previously.

"Can't you just go?"

"You'd like that, so you can wallow in your misery and drink yourself into a stupor. Well I'm not letting you do that, no matter how pissed off you are at me, you'll thank me later."

"You do realize I can pick you up and throw you out of here."

"So why don't you? Come on, you're much bigger and stronger than me, John, which you know. So that begs the question why aren't you hauling my ass out of your apartment? But we both know the answer don't we? Because its simple, John." The anger died in his eyes replaced by nothing. John was desperately trying to not feel anything and she felt sad for him but she wasn't going to let him do that. If he bottled up how he felt at this moment, John would surely turn away from her, and she wasn't about to risk that. "Because no matter how much you verbally say you don't want me here, inside you know you do." John turned his body away from her and she wasn't going to let him even that solitude. She walked in front of him determined to be consistently and constantly there for him.

"Its my past, Joss, Kara came after me because of our past. You could have been killed in that car crash because of me." He was wrong, so utterly and completely wrong about that. He had no control over what Stanton was going to do and when, but she had a feeling that John was wearing his guilt as a shield of armor right now. She just had to gently chip away at it to get to the hurt man that needed her beneath it.

"I disagree with you, John, you had no control over what she was going to do. You didn't even know she was alive. You don't know everything that could or could not happen, so its not your fault for the car crash, or Kara killing Donnelly. And I won't hear another word that it is, understood?" she reached out, grabbing his hand, and his gaze lifted from the floor back onto hers. "I don't claim to know what you went through, John, but do you have any idea what it was like for me?" Her own tears of anguish and anger over what they had been subjected to overwhelmed her, causing them to fall. "To be told there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help you?"

"You can't save everyone, Joss." his words were spoken softly as if he was trying to soothe her. She shook her head.

"I don't need to save everyone, John, just you. Walking away from you had to be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I didn't want to and each and every step I took from you made me die a little inside. Because I didn't know if I would see you ever again and-" like a dam broke, all the tears that she had been holding inside spilt out. Joss felt embarrassed but she couldn't stop them, even if she tried. She was cocooned in his arms, he was holding her, soothing her over an experience that he had been the one to suffer through. She should be comforting him not the other way around. But for right now she needed to bask in his warm embrace, to fully appreciate the fact that he was indeed here and alive. Joss pushed back slightly in his arms so she could pull him down for a kiss.

Joss gasped when his mouth hungrily took over the kiss, as his hands wrapped around her pulling her to him. The kiss was passionate, raw, and full of emotion as she soon found herself flat on her back on his couch with him on top of her. Joss didn't even care that their first time wasn't going to be in a bed. Her hands helped him with her shirt as they became almost desperate to be together. It took them about ten minutes to get rid of what was left of his clothing and hers from how much they were trembling and being preoccupied with kissing each new piece of skin revealed to them. John entered her swiftly, expertly, and deeply. She felt like he was touching her heart as she clung to him wrapping her arms and legs around him as he moved within her. Their union was speedy and gratifying not at all like the first time she had been envisioning, but amazing all the same.

Breathing hard, their bodies cooling, he laid beside her on his couch, their arms and legs entangled. "I'm sorry Joss," he sighed as he looked down at her. "I didn't want our first time together quite like I was a virgin all over again." She smiled languidly at him, placing a soft and warm kiss to his lips.

"I have no complaints. That was an amazing first time, even if we both couldn't last very long." Joss wasn't about to tell John that her orgasm had been mind blowing even if he thought he acted like a virgin. She'd probably faint from the ecstasy when the man had his stamina back.

"Uh, Joss I-uh-forgot the um, the uh-the condom," he stuttered and Joss tightened her hold on him. "Joss, please tell me you are on some form of birth control?"

"Yes," she said, thankful that she had planned ahead.

"You aren't lying are you?" He asked, needing confirmation.

"No, I may have gone to my gynecologist for a birth control regiment when we started dating." She sighed running her hand across the hard contours of his body. "I wanted to be prepared, because, no offense John, but you're not very good with women."

"Hey!" She felt him relax against her and Joss hoped to keep the mood between them light. The shadows were gone from his eyes and face and she wanted to keep it that way. She didn't want what they both been through these past days to ruin the afterglow of their union. "I'll have you know I'm good with women!" Uh-oh she ruffled the male ego in him.

"Sure you are." She grinned pinching his cheek. "Which is why I bet you have ZERO condoms in this apartment." He opened his mouth to answer but quickly it slid shut realizing she was right. "HA, I knew it!

"You know men don't like know-it-all women." He stroked his index finger across her cheek.

"You love it," she teased and he smiled at her. Then suddenly the smile flew from his lips and the same expression as he had earlier filled his face once more. "Oh no you don't, John." she wrapped herself around him tighter unwilling to let him allow the pain of these last few days to steal his happiness right now.

"Joss," he struggled to get up and she refused to let him. She clung to him tightly and finally, when he couldn't untangle himself from her, he gave up. The relaxed look on his face was gone, replaced by harsh lines as he frowned. The almost happy look in his eyes as he stared at her was gone as well, instead an unknown emotion filled them. "I shouldn't have slept with you Joss."

"And why not? I think we both wanted it, actually I think we both needed it, John. I needed to feel you encompass me, surround me, be in me." He closed his eyes at her words. "I think you needed to be surrounded by me as well, you needed to feel my heat and love." she whispered in his ear as she begun pressing little kisses to his cheek. His breath clogged in his throat and she threw caution to the wind. "I love you, John." She felt him stiffen in her arms, his eyes snapped open, and he stared down at her.

"No." This time when he struggled to get up she let him. He grabbed his discarded boxers, yanking them on as she sat up. John walked away from her, his hand in his hair, she followed him but only to grab his undershirt yanking it over her head. She flicked her hair over the shirt when he slowly turned around to look at her. His undershirt's hemline reached the tops of her thighs and she knew he could see through the thin fabric. "Joss, you can't."

"Why not, and if your reasoning begins with: 'I'm not good enough for you to love,' I'm going to smack you!" She crossed her arms over her chest and waited. Just as she thought. "John, did you really think I wouldn't fall in love with you?" She asked softly, looking into his haunted eyes.

"I don't know what I thought would happen between us, Joss."

"I didn't say the words to get them in return, John. I know how you feel about me, even if you can't say the words yet. I just wanted to tell you how I felt for you."

"Oh, so now you think you know how I feel about you?"

"Yeah, its not that hard to figure out, John. You might like to think you're this unreadable and emotionless man, but you're not. You wear your heart on your sleeve, especially when it comes to people you care about. I know you are falling in love with me and I know it scares you. You're afraid your enemies will use me to their advantage and you want to try to distance yourself from me to save my life. But you can't because even as selfless as that sounds, you can't walk away from me. How am I doing so far?" she asked knowing her words were true by the look on his face.

"I don't want to talk about this," he looked away and she sighed knowing he didn't. He wanted to blame himself, he wanted to let his demons destroy him, and he wanted to drink to forget. It was the same self hate and abusive behavior he inflicted upon himself as before. The only difference this time was that he had her and Finch to not let him do it. Even if he pushed her away she wasn't going to go far and she was sure neither was Finch. Finch had seen something in him and so did she. He might like to think he had nothing left in him but they both knew differently. They both saw the capacity to love and be loved in return. He just needed a little TLC which she was more than happy to give.

"Fine, lets talk about something else then. Though it doesn't change anything John, it doesn't change the fact that I love you and you love me. And for now I'll give you a reprieve since you went through something traumatic, but be forewarned, John, I'm not going to just let it go. I don't fall in love lightly and I don't give up on anything or anyone," which she suspected he already knew from when she had doggedly pursued him back when he had been just the 'man in the suit' to her.

"I don't expect you too." she saw a ghost of a smile grace his lips and she felt a glimmer of hope that John was still with her; that what he went through wasn't going to try to steal his soul.

"So, John, I was wondering if maybe there was going to be a round number two of lovemaking tonight?" she asked as she decided to try to work the despair from his eyes and from her heart. She needed a little healing herself after what they went through and being with John, loving him tonight was a nice start. He slowly walked towards her and stood before her.

"You're leaving the decision up to me?" His expression softened and she slid her hands up his chest.

"Maybe, or I could just wait till you fall asleep and have my torrid way with you. You'd have no objections, I can guarantee it." She kissed his jaw before she stood up on her tippy toes to kiss him fully on the mouth. John sighed, kissing her back and Joss knew that she had him when he swung her in his arms. She wanted to pump her fist in victory as he carried her towards his bedroom, glad they were going to be in a bed this time. Joss was determined to show how much she loved him this entire night, hoping to heal their wounded hearts just a little bit.

Author's note: okay so I got angst, minor smut(be forewarned real smut is ahead lol), then angst again in there my job for chapter one is done :D Wouldn't it have been nice for our loves to actually have had A SCENE between them after he got down from the rooftop, but I'm not bitter or anything *grumbles*

Well, thanks for reading everyone reviews are a joy as always I adore each and everyone you guys, I'm still working on my video for you to show my appreciation :')