A/N: No, this is not an AU. The Gotei Thirteen are just getting way too short on funds, and way, way too crazy. I hope you have as much fun reading this one as I did creating it. It's a little OOC, but it's a lot of fun.
Bank Heist
Third Person POV
"And I expect you to come up with a solid fundraising plan by next week!" Yamamoto thundered at the Captains that were lined up around the room, trying to make his voice heard.
He wasn't succeeding.
Soi Feng had long since started playing with the black cat trinket in her pocket, Gin was sending creepy glares at Hitsugaya, who was shifting nervously back and forth between his feet (he really ought to do something about that), Ukitake, Unohana and Kyoraku were using hand signals they had developed long ago (with the intended purpose of giving them amusement in meetings) to talk to each other. Tosen and Komamura were both snoring lightly, their closed eyes hidden by various bits of head gear. Kurotsuchi was removing and reattaching his arm. Kenpachi wasn't even bothering to hide the fact that he was throwing bits of paper at Aizen to try and goad the calm Captain into a fight. Aizen, to his credit, appeared to be trying to pay attention- but who could really tell what Aizen was trying to think anyways? Kuchiki Byakuya was just staring ahead of himself with that blank 'I am not paying attention to any of you because I do not think you matter' look on his face.
Eventually Yamamoto decided to try a new train of thought, something he knew would get their attention. "You know what, I'll be back in an hour. By then, you had all better damn well have a course of action or I am never letting you leave."
The door slammed behind him as he left, everyone paused for a second to let the horror of having an eternal Captain's meeting sink in.
It was a sobering though, which was good, because there were at least two individuals in the room who were drunk.
Kyouraku was the first one to overcome the fear and said, "So . . . an ideas? We'll need at least one good one, it's not like we can rob a bank or something."
There was an awkward silence, where everyone thought of how much easier it would be if they could just rob a bank.
Eventually Ukitake spoke, "No, you're right we need an idea."
Everyone reluctantly voiced their agreement.
"Yeah, you're right."
"We shouldn't rob humans."
There was another awkward silence, and eventually it was Ichimaru who said the obvious, "It would be fun though."
"Yeah. It would."
"Completely immature of us, though."
"We probably shouldn't even be thinking about it."
There was another pause.
" . . . I bet we could pull off the perfect crime though." muttered Soi Feng.
"And it would be a hell of a lot more effective than another bake sale." Hitsugaya put in.
"The humans do owe us one for saving their souls all the time." Kenpachi drawled lazily, "And if we don't get money soon we ain't gonna be able to save their asses for much longer. My men need sake and that shit ain't cheap."
"They do owe us."
There was another, longer awkward silence, "So . . . who's in?"
Thirteen hands went up.
Everyone did a double count and it became apparent Gin was holding up both his hands.
"So . . . Kurotsuchi . . . do you have any guns and gigai we could use."
"Of course, but I'll want my cut of the profit."
"Naturally. Komamura, can we leave it to you and Zaraki to tell Yamamoto where we're going?"
"Yeah. Sure." Komamura was too trusting to realize the hole that was being dug for him.
"But I wanted to come." Zaraki said.
The realization kicked in and with a large wince Komamura sighed, "I'll have a training fight with you if you stay."
"You'll use your bankai?"
Everyone was giving gestures of gratitude to Komamura behind Kenpachi's back.
Komamura sighed again, mentally vowing to kill his peers one day. "Yes. I will."
"Alright. Off you two go then, and we'll be off to Squad Twelve." Kyoraku said cheerfully, hurrying out the door before Komamura changed his mind. All the Captains followed him quickly and wandered through the Seiritei, heading to Squad Twelve.
The other Shinigami in Seiretei had the sense to realize when the Captains had a crazy idea and cleared the streets before they got dragged into it.
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Two weeks later, news programs still spent hours every day trying to figure out how a group of famous celebrities, all with perfect alibis in other places, managed to rob one of the world's richest banks. There had been no casualties, and when asked for specific details-like how the robbers got into the vaults in the first place-the workers at the bank could only say 'I don't know- I don't remember. It's kind of odd like that'.
However, despite all the mystery that surrounded the incident and all the conspiracy theories that popped up with it (including, of course, alien invasions), there was in fact one teenager who knew the truth.
Or had a rough idea of the truth anyways, since he was still trying to figure out why the Captains robbed a bank. He knew they were a little unhinged, but this was over the top, even for them. He could only wonder what kind of a threat had made them that desperate.
He turned his attention back to the living when Yuzu gave another shake of her head at the TV, wondering how humans were sinking so low these days. Karin was laughing, thinking that this was awesome and Isshin was already making wild plans for them to do the same thing.
Kurosaki Ichigo just sighed, flicked off the television, and wondered if this was really the most productive way for the leaders of the Gotei Thirteen to spend their time.