A/N: Hiya! This is my first crack fic. ( whenever I'm with my aunt our plot bunnies get together and do crack which is weird cuz we don't)
Anyways, bash if you like.
(whenever the narrator is talking to the characters it's in italics)
Harry Potter and The Narrator

"Will you just eat something? Please." Hermione pleaded with Harry. He just glanced at the food in front of him.

Ron came skipping down the row between tables and plopped onto the bench across from his friends.

"Hiya Harry! Hey there, sweetcheeks." he said, winking at Hermione. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Harry won't eat. And stop calling me sweetcheeks."

"Don't be like that, cheekles. Harry, baby, why won't you eat? The elves made bacon. The world's favorite. Hell, even Voldemort likes it. It says so in his autobiography: I Just Want To Be Hugged." He pushed a plate of bacon in front of Harry who immediately whipped out his wand and (using his special magic-ness) sent the bacon flying into Ron's face.

"I would be mad right now, but this will probably get me laid." Ron said, sniffing himself. "Oh yeah…"

"Please eat something Harry." Hermione said again to Harry who still hadn't spoken. He then stood and walked away from them, toward the corridor. It was now that he spoke.

"HEY YOU!! NARRATOR!! WTF?!?!? I'm so bloody tired of you listening to you tell me what I'm doing! Ooh! Harry walked here. Harry ate this. Harry said this. Harry took a piss! SHUT UP!! AND WHAT IS WITH THE BLOODY CORRIDORS ALL THE TIME!?!?!? Why can't we have normal hallways?"

Look, dude. I'm sorry. I just write what is written on this paper. Maybe it has to do with the fact that you're in castle. Now can I get back to narrating? Ron is about to do something stupid yet somehow hilarious that adds to his character of the fun-loving yet extremely awkward teenaged best friend of the hero.

"Fine!" Harry spat. "Stop that!"

It was then that Ron stood, walked around the table and stood in front of Hermione.

"Please, cheekles." he said, bowing. "Love me tender."

"Fine. But only because I want to rebel against my goody-two-shoes- book-loving-test-taking-know it all persona and you seem like someone I'll regret in the morning." She said.

"I'll take it. But only because I need to relieve myself of the sexual aggression I have due to being secretly attracted to my best friend that fills my soul and other parts of my small red-headed body." Ron replied. They skipped off to Gryffindor tower to make messy, passionate love to each other.

"I must say," Harry mused, "that was pretty good."

Thanks. I try.

"How did you know they felt that way?" Harry stupidly asked before realizing I know ALL!!!!

"Shut up! You're a huge git, ya know that?" Harry shouted.

Do you want me to describe what is currently happening in Gryffindor Tower?

"No! Please! I'll stop! You're beautiful! And amazing! And any man would be lucky to have you!" Harry pleaded.

"Good choice, Harry. While flattery will get you nowhere, our wonderful narrator is probably enjoying your possible torment enough to take pity on you." Remus Lupin (who had appeared out of nowhere) said with perfect accuracy. "Thank you. Harry, it is quite disturbing up there. And you might not want to sleep in your bed for awhile. And get the sheets cleaned. A lot."With those words of wisdom, Remus disappeared.

Thoroughly content that he would no longer have to fear learning what was happening in his room (and apparently his bed), Harry decided to ask questions about the future of his story.

"Do I get a happy ending?" He asked.

That depends. Do you like redheads?

"No. Not at all." he said.

Then no. I can help you though. For a price.

"How? Name it." Harry said, eager to change his future.

Give me $300 and I can hook you up with a brunette that knows what they're doing, if you know what I mean.

"Dude. I'm a wizard. All I have are coins I'm pretty sure are filled with chocolate." Harry said. "I can however give you a dragon."

That works. Alright. Lets do this. Close your eyes.

Harry closed his eyes, his anticipation of meeting the one person that would make him happy for many years to come. He felt a tap on his shoulder and spun around. He opened his eyes to find that the narrator was not a crook. For standing in front of him was none other than Sirius Black, the man of his dreams. He immediately conjured up a dragon for the narrator and skipped off with Sirius.

fin.

A/N: Hit that lovely green button!! Thanks for reading!!