Title: Pathetic
Author: The Fallen Sky
Rating: M
Pairing: Dawn/Xander
Summary: He may be pathetic, but he's learned to be okay with that.
Warning: Sexual situations between an adult and a minor
A/N: This is my first ever Dawn/Xander story. The idea just kinda hit me, and I wrote it. It's set during season 4 and is definitely AU. Also, in this story, Dawn is 15, and there is no Anya.
I want to state, for the record, that I do not support sex between minors and adults, regardless of the situation or emotions involved. I do not endorse that kind of behavior.
Feedback is welcome, and I'd really appreciate any and all comments, because I'm venturing into uncharted waters. Enjoy!
He's pathetic.
He knows it.
It's not like he ever expected to be President or even to go to college. He knew he wouldn't be a success by most people's standards, and he was okay with that.
Growing up, all he ever truly wanted was to have a decent job, a place to live that wasn't a shit hole, a few good friends and maybe, just maybe, a wife or at least a girlfriend who loved him.
Most of that list looked like an impossibility for the longest time, even when he was in high school. Then, he met Buffy, and everything changed.
For the first time in his life, he felt like he could be somebody, like he could make a difference in the world, that maybe he wasn't destined to be the loser everyone, save for Willow and Jesse, thought he was and would always be.
Hell, he helped save the world and saved the lives of a lot of people while in high school. And he even had a girlfriend, Cordelia, the most popular girl in school.
He was important.
He mattered.
He was gonna be somebody.
And then everything started to go straight to hell.
First, he cheated on Cordelia with Willow, lost Cordelia and lost the closeness he had with Willow.
Then, he got relegated to doughnut boy, all but pushed aside in the fight against all that goes bump in the night.
The one small victory he can claim during this period was the fact that he finally had sex, and with one of the hottest women he'd ever met. Of course, that victory was pretty hollow in the grand scheme of things, especially since Faith tossed him out on his ass after she'd had her way with him, not that he'd minded at the time, and she'd even tried to kill him later on.
And sure, he saved the world all by himself, but no one knew about it, and, even if they did, they would've just scolded him for being so stupid and taking such a huge risk when he should've asked for their help, never mind that he'd tried and they were all too busy to even listen to him.
And yes, he did play a key role in stopping the Mayor at graduation, but he kinda doubts it was because anyone thought he was indispensible.
Yeah, life was turning out just about the way he'd envisioned.
His road trip after high school was supposed to help him find himself and his place in the world, give him some street cred, make his friends see that he wasn't a clown that needed to be protected, that he could stand on his own two feet, show his value, his worth to the world.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
His road trip was short and humiliating, just like the rest of his life.
His car broke down almost as soon as he set out, and he had to work at a crappy strip club for women washing dishes. And let's not even mention the fact that he had to be a stripper one night when one of the guys called in sick.
And then he slinked home, his tail between his legs, had to go back to his parents' house and live in the basement, had to watch his friends all move on with their lives, had to watch them go to college and have real relationships, all while he held on to their coattails, hoping desperately that they didn't leave him behind permanently.
His life certainly isn't a fairytale.
He moves from crappy job to crappy job, lives in a dank basement, has to pay his abusive, alcoholic parents rent, has to deal with constantly being pushed aside in the fight against evil, and has to live with the fact that no one truly loves or appreciates him.
Sure, he knows Willow and Buffy love him, but they show it less and less, and there are times when he actually wonders if they do still love him.
He doesn't say anything, just puts on his goofy persona, smiles, cracks some bad jokes, and tries not to let them see how much he's hurting.
But the one thing that truly makes him pathetic is the fact that his current best friend, the one person who he knows loves him beyond a shadow of a doubt is a 15 year old girl, and not just any 15 year old girl. Buffy's sister, Dawn.
She's always happy to see him, lights up whenever his name is mentioned and thinks he's the coolest guy on the planet.
She makes him feel good about himself but also pathetic, because his best friend is also the girl he babysits, not that she needs a babysitter, but Joyce and Buffy always insist she not be left alone, so he's the one that gets drafted into service.
What really makes him pathetic, though, is the fact that Dawn, the 15 year old that he babysits, is his secret girlfriend.
He's not proud of it, and he knows he'll go to jail if anyone ever finds out, if Buffy doesn't kill him first, but he can't bring himself to put a stop to it.
It started innocently enough, a brief kiss, stolen in a moment of weakness, much blushing and incoherent babbling in the aftermath and an unspoken agreement that it would never be repeated or spoken of.
And then it happened again, a not-so-brief kiss which wasn't stolen but mutually wanted, less blushing and less incoherent babbling and an unspoken agreement that it would most definitely be repeated but not spoken of.
From there, they began to kiss whenever they were alone or had the briefest of moments where the risk of getting caught was low, and the kisses became more heated, filled with real emotion and not just lust or some desperate need to feel a connection to another human being.
They spent entire evenings making out when he was supposed to be babysitting her, but he was always careful not to get too friendly with his hands, keeping them clear of naughty places and always above her clothes. She was only 15 after all.
Things really began to change the night Dawn took his hand and placed it on her breast while they were in the middle of a heated make out session. Granted, she was wearing a shirt and bra underneath, but as he felt the heat of her body, the softness of her breast under his palm, he found he liked it, liked that she wanted him to touch her like that, liked that she obviously wanted to move things further with him, and that made him feel like the biggest perv in the universe, because she was only 15 and he was an adult, granted, he was only 19, but still an adult, and he freaked out, pulling his hand away like he'd been burned. He could see the hurt on her face at his reaction, and he wanted to allay her fears, take away that hurt, but he had to get the hell out of there before he did something they'd both regret. So, he left.
Things were weird between them for days afterward, and he did his best to limit the damage and suspicion, but he knew he'd have to talk to her about it at some point.
That time came when he was asked to babysit her again.
It was awkward at first, her refusing to look at him and him struggling to find the right words. Eventually, he just told her the truth, that he did find her attractive, that he did think about taking things further with her, that he wanted her that way. But, he also told her that he was scared, because she was so young, scared that maybe she didn't really want him the way she thought she did, scared that she'd regret being with him like that, scared that he'd end up in jail if anyone ever found out.
She smiled at him, the softest, sweetest smile he'd ever seen, told him she loved him and kissed him.
It wasn't really a resolution, but, somehow, it was all he needed.
From that moment on, things between them began a steady progression. They began touching each other during their make out sessions, touching each other in naughty, forbidden places. At first, it was just over their clothes, but soon, their hands found their way under their clothes to heated, bare skin. It wasn't long before the clothes, themselves, began to be removed to allow easier access to the precious skin they both sought.
Their first time together, her first time altogether, was a spur of the moment thing. They were alone at her house, Buffy out patrolling, Joyce on a date, making out as usual, when Dawn slipped her hand inside his boxers for the first time ever and began stroking him.
His brain nearly melted at the sensation, but he didn't stop her. In fact, he encouraged her and even reciprocated by slipping his hand inside her panties and playing with her clit.
Things were kind of a blur after that, but he remembers taking her up to her room, removing her bra and panties before removing his boxers, remembers laying her on the bed, looking at her naked body and thinking she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, remembers crawling on the bed and lying between her thighs, remembers looking in her eyes and asking her if she was sure, remembers her smiling and saying 'yes', remembers leaning down to kiss her, remembers reaching between them and positioning himself at her entrance, remembers slowly pushing the head of his cock through her slick folds, remembers the gasp of pleasure mixed with pain as he pushed deeper and broke through her intimate barrier, remembers wiping away a tear from her cheek before kissing her again, remembers her smiling up at him, nodding her assent, remembers moving in and out of her, slow at first, but with increasing speed as their mutual climax neared, remembers the feel of her inner walls, tight and oh-so slick with moisture, as they rippled around his steely length, remembers her crying out as her orgasm hit, remembers burying himself as deep inside her as possible, his whole body stiffening, his cock throbbing and pulsing as he spilled himself inside her, remembers burying his face in her neck as they rode out the waves of pleasure, remembers looking into her eyes afterward, their bodies still intimately connected, remembers the awe, the wonder, the happiness, the satisfaction, the love he saw there, remembers her soft smile, remembers whispering 'I love you', and remembers kissing her to confirm the love was mutual.
Afterward, he was filled with regret, not because he didn't love her or want to be with her, but because he knew what they did was wrong, and he felt like he'd stolen something from her, something precious; her innocence.
Of course, his regret didn't stop him from continuing their relationship or being intimate with her again. And, over time, his regret began to fade away until it just disappeared.
Now, he doesn't think about the fact that he has sex with a 15 year old, doesn't think about the fact that if they're caught, he'll go to jail and be labeled a sex offender, doesn't think about the fact that Joyce and Buffy would tear him apart, limb from limb, if they ever found out about him and Dawn.
All he thinks about is the fact that he has a girlfriend, a beautiful, smart young woman who loves him with all of her heart, and thinks about how he wants to marry her someday and knows that she'll say yes when he asks, and thinks about how they'll have kids someday and how their kids will be smart and beautiful just like their mother.
He also thinks about how his life isn't as bad as he used to believe. Sure, he still lives in his parents' basement, and he still struggles with dead end jobs, but he's got hope now, hope that he'll find a good job, one he's good at, one that will allow him to earn enough money to move out of his parents' basement and find an apartment, a place for him and Dawn. And sure, he still feels like his friends are leaving him behind, marginalizing him both in their lives and with the whole saving the world thing, but he's not alone, not as long as he has Dawn. And so what if he's not cool or smart or important in the grand scheme of things. He's important to Dawn, and she thinks he's cool, smart, funny, handsome and sexy, and that's all that matters.
Sure, he may be pathetic, but he's learned to be okay with that.