I hate being alone.
Always have, probably always will…
When I was at law school I used to charm girls into spending the night with me just so I didn't have to be on my own. Kinda sad, huh?
Tonight's one of these nights I know I have to be alone, after all, Phoenix and Trucy are out of town – they hadn't told me until yesterday so I didn't get chance to arrange for someone to keep me company. It was fine until I went to sleep anyway.
-x-x-
I'd starved myself of sleep for as long as I could. I struggled into bed and under the covers. I curl up amongst the sheets and nestle my head into the pillow. I closed my eyes and hoped – prayed even – that sleep would grip me quickly.
Luckily it did.
Then the dream began. That same dream that haunted me every day. The dream where I saw my mother shot through the eyes and then my father being murdered on stage while playing piano.
I was a baby when this happened – I thought you weren't supposed to remember being a baby? I do. I do…
There's my mother, gosh she's really beautiful. I can draw a picture of her from memory, the amount of times I've had the dream. I can see where I have my deep brown hair, she has the same. She's wearing a red dress, she's left me in my pushchair with my grandma, grandma smells like cotton candy and ice-cream, then again so does mom. Mom kisses my cheek and runs to the two men waiting for her. Dad's gone and this woman caring for me isn't actually my grandma but she's the closest I have. Grandma says I should be fed and follows my mom and these two men to a tent, a big circus tent. My mom's friends fuss over me, they always did, they feed me pancakes and sweets and cotton candy and chocolate.
Then it happens, that bang. That sound that made a moment last forever. My mom was on the floor, blood was all over, people surrounded her...
…I never saw her again and I was only three…
Then there's dad. My daddy, my hero. Ever since I was born I remember the piano music and my parents lulling me to sleep through song. Dad was the real talent of our family, he was so young, so talented! I was too young to be allowed anywhere near the front of the stage where he performed. I know though, I know those words.
"Apollo, come on Apollo give daddy some good luck." Then he kisses my cheek and holds my tiny hands in his own. "That's a boy, be good for mommy, and no crying." He smiled warmly. "You'll ruin my show." He laughed and it made me giggle and smile as well.
He sits me where he can still see me, behind his piano in an alcove backstage. He smiles and gives me a little wave before the show begins. The way he could make those notes merge to form a lullaby to me was fabulous. Mommy kneels beside my stroller and hums a tune to me. I was about to fall asleep when I heard the most hideous chord I have ever heard on the piano.
My fathers dead body sprawled on the piano, his head and lifeless eyes staring straight at me. I saw that person opposite, I saw the knife…I-I-
-x-x-
"Gwwaah!" The covers shot into the air as I struggled to catch my breath. I rocked myself gently before holding my head in my hands, sobbing. I was only sixteen months old when my father died – when I was faced by that limp and lifeless body and those cold eyes. Not to mention my father's killer. Then with the incident with my mother…
I held the phone in my hand. There had to be someone…someone who understood me…
Why hadn't I thought of it before!
"Hello?" The voice asked sleepily.
"Hey, I-I need to talk to you…"
"It's two thirty! Can't it wait until –are you crying?"
"Please, I need to…" I whimpered.
"Ok, look I'll be over in five minutes."
She let herself in, kicking her flat shoes off at the door and hanging her coat over the back of a dining chair, throwing her backpack onto the same chair.
"Hon? You in here somewhere?" She called. "It's Ema! Where are you?"
"I'm here…" I emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in a bath robe – I'd doused myself in cold water since the dream – as if it was really going to wash the bad memories away.
"What's the matter?" She asked, holding my wrist and leading me to the couch.
"It's nightmares, horrible memories of my past."
"Ok, come on. We're gonna put the kettle on then you're going to tell me what's happened."
Ema made her favourite drink for the evening – hot cocoa, she'd raided the cupboards and found a tub of mini marshmallows to add to the drink. I then proceeded to pour my heart out to her.
"You know I'm an orphan too don't you?" She whispered, holding my head against her chest.
"Yeah…" She wiped my eyes.
"I was older than you were, my father and mother died in a car crash. Then Lana raised me until I was old enough to fend for myself."
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"It won't bring them back. My sister had to tell me that they'd died, I'd never seen my sister cry that way…sure I'd seen her cry before." She smiled softly. "Over stupid stuff like boys and school."
"What happened?"
"I broke down, I couldn't stand it. I called her a liar, I told her she was lying! I said it wasn't my parents! They weren't dead and they couldn't be."
"It must have been hard for you…"
"I'm sure it was harder for you, my sister looked after me, then a coroner friend of hers took care of me when I went to Europe. You had nobody…"
"Yeah."
"Look at me." She pulled me up so I was leaning against her and staring into her eyes. "If I stay here with you…will the nightmares go away? Will you sleep?"
"I-I hope so, but you don't have to!"
"Don't be stupid, I care about you. You're my friend." She ran her hand through my scruffy brown hair. "Is there anywhere I can sleep?"
"Trucy's room?"
"No! It's a bombsight in there!" She paused for a moment. "I'm definitely not staying in Wright's room."
"My room?"
"Where are you going to sleep?" She asked.
"Ah…"
"I could always sleep in your room…with you." She smiled.
"W-what?"
"We're adults Apollo. We can share a bed without anything happening." She smiled. "But if it makes you uncomfortable…"
"No, no it's fine." I whispered.
"I bought my clothes from earlier but nothing to sleep in."
"Come on." I finished my cocoa.
"Thanks, they're a little big but comfy." She was dressed in one of his t-shirts and a pair of jogging bottoms.
"No problem." I yawned. I felt as she pulled the cover up my body as if tucking me in.
"Night honey." She whispered in my ear before climbing onto the other side of the bed.
I woke in the middle of the night again, she held my head against her chest and I felt as she soothed me to sleep. We fell asleep in that position.
I realised how thankful I was that Ema was my friend, she was like a big dream catcher for me. I love Ema, she's the best!