A/N: Sooo, new story, I don't really have much to say about it. The title is my favourite Shakespeare play. Oh and Ted isn't a real transvestite. Remember to review please. Fixed a couple of pretty glaring errors, also if you would like a picture of what Ted looks like google: Talulah Riley Five Little Pigs and imagine without the scar and eye. Also for those who were wondering I am perfectly aware that Lily and James shouldn't be dating yet and that Sirius should be living with James, but this suits my story so buck up.
Chapter 1: Friends and Perversions
Teddy woke up on the Hogwarts train. Her face hurt, probably due to the fact that she'd been sleeping on it. She re-adjusted her position and tried to go to sleep again but there was a startling repetitive rapping noise that shook her awake again. She opened one bleary eye and glared towards the offending sound.
"Teddy get the fuck up and let me in!"
"Oh shit!" She hastened to the door and threw it open, on the other side was a very aggravated boy.
"Sorry Sirius, I fell asleep again."
"Bloody hell Ted, I've been standing out there for the last twenty minutes." He squeezed into the compartment and locked the door behind him. "Just leave it open if you have to sleep."
"Sorry." She mumbled, groggily rubbing her face, "thought you were with whatserface or the others."
"Lacy? I was with her, she was getting on my nerves. I tried coming here and you weren't answering the door so I went and sat with the other Marauders for a while but James won't shut up about his stupid bloody perfect holiday with his parents so I came here again. Why don't you ever get a proper night's sleep? You're worse than Moony, I swear if you're werewolf too just tell me now."
"I'm not a werewolf. I had a good book last night and then I felt like painting and then halfway through that I realised I hadn't packed yet so I had to stay up the rest of the night getting all my stuff and I'm pretty sure I still forgot like ten things," she finally took a breath, "do you have an extra potions textbook?"
"Damn it Ted, get your shit together, you're meant to be helping me get through potions. Slughorn hates me for not joining his boy scouts group."
"I will help!" Teddy announced, sitting up suddenly. "Just as soon as I discover where my textbook is." She slumped back into her chair. Sirius snorted.
"Right, how was your last week of hols anyway?"
Teddy frowned at the ceiling as she attempted to remember the last week. "I made a study of the Aldrovanda Vesiculosa and I slept quite a bit."
He grinned and shook his head. "You're such a nerd, how on Earth aren't you in Ravenclaw?"
She grinned back, "I'm too unconventional for them; they wouldn't know what to do with me."
Sirius wasn't really sure why he and Ted were friends, he normally avoided girls he wasn't interested in sleeping with. To start with he'd just wanted someone to do his homework for him. At the start of their first year she had followed him and the other Marauders around like a lost puppy, finally losing interest when it'd become obvious that she was never going to become one of them. Towards the end of the year he and the rest of the Marauders had pranked and teased Teddy – her curly brown was in a constant state of disarray, she wore thick rimmed glasses and old clothes she was at least two sizes too small for and she was constantly falling asleep in class or saying bizarre things. It hadn't been very effective, as most of the time she simply didn't notice what they'd done. In his third year Sirius had been paired with her for a potions project, she, of course, had done all the work, but while he'd sat around and watched her he'd found he didn't really mind being around her. She didn't ask incessant questions about his family or home life and didn't blabber on about hers either, which was a pleasant break, and she got them a top grade for the project. So he made sure he was paired with her for the next project and the one after that and before he knew it he was laughing at her odd jokes and listening to her rave about her latest obsession.
"What about you?" She asked him now, "How was you last week of hols?
He made a face that she smiled at. "Shite. My uncle took me on a hunting trip."
"But you hate hunting." She murmured around a yawn, her face propped up on her hand.
"Yeah which is why it was so incredibly- Ted are you falling asleep again?"
"Wha-huh? Yeah, sayitagain?" She responded drowsily.
He sighed, exasperated, so much for his one venting friend. Ted lived in an orphanage, which, as it turned out, was the one place in the world that might compete with the Black household for shittest place to be raised award, so she never gave him that pitying expression he hated so much when he needed to bitch about his family.
"Never mind, lie down." She flopped out obediently and Sirius fished his winter cloak and an extra set of robes out of his trunks. He took off her glasses and placed them on the table and spread the cloak out over her as a blanket. Finally he lifted her head up to shove the balled up robes underneath. He glanced at her as he arranged the robes; her eyes were open and she gazed up at him sleepily, her mouth twisted up in a lopsided grin.
"Aw is Siri playing mama bear?" She said softly.
He grinned back. "Careful or I'll spank you."
Her gaze wandered down his face contemplatively, coming to rest on his lips. "Promise?" She whispered barely audibly.
His heart thudded in his chest as if with new vigor for life, he leaned in and carefully brushed a curl from her face, filled with a sudden determination to kiss his old friend. BANNG! The door ricocheted off the wall as it was thrust open to reveal Remus' surprised face. Sirius leapt back from Ted and quickly threw himself down onto the other seat. Remus looked back and forth between their face;, Ted looked away and blushed. An awkward silence followed that Ted broke.
"Jeez what do you have to do around here to get a decent nap, Remus I'd think you of all people would understand the sanctity of one's napping time."
Sirius, who was watching her carefully, noticed she didn't look nearly as tired as she did five minutes ago.
Remus smiled and shrugged, obviously deciding to ignore the moment he'd witnessed.
"Sorry, couldn't take James repeating his in-depth analysis of the last triwizard tournament one more time. My quidditch limit has been reached."
"I'd gladly take that over his fifteenth recanting of his goal against his Turkish cousins. We should do an intervention, James is in desperate need of new stories."
James appeared behind Remus' shoulder.
"Why does everyone keep leaving?" He complained to Remus. "First Sirius runs off to find Ted and then you run off to find him and then Peter runs off to find the trolley lady."
Ted straightened up, and gave James a tight smile that he returned with a clipped nod. Sirius had noticed that the two didn't like each other; there was a certain stiffness in their manners that spoke to more than just awkwardness, but, although he'd questioned them several times, they had both denied it vehemently.
"Hello Ted," he asked now, with pained politeness, "how were your holidays?"
"Very good," she replied, although he knew for a fact that she'd spent the majority of her time avoiding a beating from both the Stalin-esque headmaster of her orphanage and some of the larger, meaner orphans.
"Well mine weren't," Remus announced as he sat down next to Teddy, "I stayed home, like always, and I think my furry little friend may have eaten some rats. Well, actually, I can't say that for sure, but before the full moon we had a bit of a rat problem in the basement and after there were no rats but I had a stomach ache and a very bad taste in my mouth."
Ted laughed. "Not to your taste, Moony? You should teach your other half to barbecue, I hear they're all the rage in China."
He made a face. "You're hilarious, really."
"Do you think you swallowed them bones and all?" James asked fascinated, throwing himself down opposite Remus. "Don't you ever have a problem processing the bones of things you've eaten once you change back? Do you suppose maybe you have some type of super-werewolf digestive system that allows you to eat rodents and roadkill and such?"
"James please," Remus said, looking queasy, "I ate like ten minutes ago, can we not discuss this?"
"Speaking of which," Teddy interrupted, "Padfoot, do you have food? I'm famished. I could eat an entire horse right now, or at least a tofu replica of one."
Just like that the awkward moment was forgotten and they were back to their old pattern. Sirius fished a cold toasted cheese sandwich out of his pack and tossed it to her.
"You know if I keep on getting food for you my family's going to think I'm becoming vegetarian and I'm sure that'll go off like Hitler in a synagogue. What do I look like, a charity for lazy orphans?"
Teddy clasped her hands together. "Please sir, may I have some more?"
He dug around his bag until he found the package of nuts he'd put in there. "Damn herbivores," he said throwing it to her, "I don't understand how you survive on such meager offerings. On that note, I've been meaning to ask you James, what happens if you eat venison? I mean I'm hardly likely to be offered dog anytime soon and unless he gets turned into a werewolf Peter's not going to be eating rat, Moony's not likely to eat his own until they start putting werewolves on the menu and Ted's a vegetarian but you are in constant danger of becoming a cannibal."
"I know," James' expression grew haunted, "mum served it once. I thought it was beef. I ate three bites before I found out, I still have nightmares." He finished with a shudder.
They were interrupted by the appearance of Lily at the door.
"James! Sorry! Amelia got dumped by that French boy she's been dating, she needed serious venting time. How were your holidays hun?"
James leapt out of his seat, his face lit up like a Christmas light, and gave her a peck on the lips.
"So good, wait until I tell you about my holiday, I scored this wicked goal against my Turkish cousins."
"Out!" Sirius and Remus yelled in unison. Lily laughed and obediently drew James out of the compartment; he flipped them off on the way out.
Sirius glanced over at Ted and caught an odd look on her face as she watched Lily and James leave hand in hand; she caught his eye and grinned.
"Bambi the red nosed cannibal," she sung cheerfully, Sirius laughed. There was an awkward pause after as Remus glanced curiously between them. He cleared his throat, "I should go, check in with the other prefects you know."
"Uh, yeah I should go too, ah Lacy's probably looking for me."
Ted nodded silently and watched them leave.
"Okay what was that about?" Remus asked once they were back in their original compartment.
"What do you mean?" Sirius answered blandly.
Remus snorted, "Yeah sure, like you don't know, if I'd given you five more minutes with her you would've needed a contraceptive charm."
"I'm not going to sleep with her." Sirius answered indignantly, "she's my friend, and you know, she's Ted."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, you know, she'd not hideous or deformed or anything but she's definitely not a Lily or a Lacy."
Remus shrugged, "Lacy's a twit and Lily hates you."
Sirius gave Remus a look, "I still have standards Remus, drop it." He stood up abruptly, "I'm done with this, I'm going to go and find Lacy."
Remus sat in the compartment by himself until James returned with Peter in tow. They both carried a parcel of sweets from the trolley.
"Whatswong?" Peter garbled out around a mouthful of sweets.
"Just thinking, did Lily ditch you, James?"
"Yeah if any more of her friends have crisis's I'm going to call an intervention. What's up with you? You have Remus face." James' charming way of saying Remus looked thoughtful.
"Have you ever thought about Teddy and Sirius?" Remus asked as James and Peter slumped down.
"Yeah all the time, it's fricking weird, why can't he find someone else to hang out with? What do they even talk about?"
"No, I mean as a couple." Remus almost laughed at James' dumbfounded expression, James did laugh.
"What, no, come on Remus, you can't be serious, Padfoot and Ted the Tranny?"
Peter snickered at that. "Remember how we use to joke she was hiding a set of family jewels under all those baggy clothes?"
"Are you still calling her that?" Remus asked, ignoring Peter's comment, "Don't let Sirius hear you and she's not that unfortunate."
"Whatever Moony, anyway Lily wants to see you, some prefect thing."
"Yes, Lily!" Remus said with jubilation. "I'll see you later." Remus called as he trotted out.
Ted set down her book for the third time in the last five minutes. Somehow the compartment seemed empty, lonely now. Normally she was fine with solitude, thrived on it even but lately she'd started to notice there was a difference between being alone and being left alone. Before Sirius and the others had come the compartment had seemed peaceful but now there was a yawning emptiness there that seemed in danger of swallowing her. She picked up her book and read the same sentence again; she still had no idea what it said. Frustrated she tossed it back down. He'd left his cloak and robe in the compartment; she should go give it back to him. It wasn't like with James, she was Sirius' friend too, there was no reason that she couldn't go see him. With renewed determination she picked up his clothes and made her way into the corridor. She came to the Marauder's compartment, the curtains over the glass door were open and James and Peter were inside, laughing and eating, which meant that Sirius must be with Lacy. Ted paused there indecisively, unsure if she wanted to continue and find Sirius and Lacy together. She shook it off, she and Sirius were just friends; she was just returning some of his things and besides, Lacy almost always sat towards the front of the train with all her other Hufflepuff friends so it wasn't like she'd be interrupting them alone. She checked all the compartments but the first to the left; unthinkingly she yanked the door open.
"Shit! Sorry!" She slammed the door shut again. Lacy must have ditched her Hufflepuff buddies because they had been very much alone and Lacy had been straddling a half naked Sirius. She closed her eyes, wishing she could unsee her best friend half-naked.
The door opened again and Sirius came out, shrugging on a shirt.
"Damn I'm so sorry Sirius, I didn't mean to ah, that is, you forgot your stuff." She shoved his cloak and robe back into his hands. He laughed.
"It's fine Ted," he touched her burning cheek, "seriously chill out, it's not a big deal, I'll see you later, okay?" She nodded silently, he bent to give her a kiss on the cheek and the door creaked open. Lacy took one look at them and whirled back inside, her outrage evident.
"Lacy." Sirius said as he followed her back into the compartment, his voice exasperated. Ted turned to hurry away. As she did her foot hit something that clinked against the hall wall. Leaning down she plucked it out of the carpet. It was the silver clasp from Sirius' cloak, two wolf heads touching at the nose. She turned back to his compartment but paused outside the door; she should give it to him later. She was about to turn back when she heard Lacy through the door.
"I don't want to calm down! You ignore me for the entire summer and then ditch me at every opportunity for that freak."
"Lacy, nothing is going on between me and Ted, we're just friends," his voice lowered, "come on Lacy, be serious, me and Ted the Tranny?"
Ted felt her stomach drop and her eyes well up at the use of her old moniker.
"Oh yeah well I have news for you," Lacy spat spitefully, "your little hermaphrodite buddy looks at you like she's already planning the wedding. Ted the Tranny's in love with you and maybe you like it, maybe you have some kind of sick fetish and that's why you've been ignoring me all summer."
"Lacy-" Sirius began in a low voice but Lacy interrupted him, her voice hysterically high.
"Forget it, you can have your freak, we're though!" Before Ted could move, the door was jerked open and for the third time that day she was confronted with Lacy's surprised face.
"Oh look, the bride in waiting." She said with a bitter little smirk in Sirius' direction before storming off. Sirius met her eyes.
"Ted, I-" She didn't hear the rest of what he had to say because she turned around and ran all the way back to her compartment.
A/N: Well that was fun. I'm all done with the next chapter and might upload it in the next few hours, provided I get some reviews, otherwise maybe in a few days. Extortion makes me smile :).