DISCLAIMER: ALL THINGS STAR WARS BELONG TO GEORGE LUCAS! OTHER
CHARACTERS, REFERENCES, ETC, ARE OWNED BY MIKE STACKPOLE. THIS IS FOR FUN!
**This is a one-shot deal, based on an idea I had should this moment every occur.**
----------------
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was the middle of the night and I had just fallen asleep. It had been a long day and I was exhausted. I thought I'd be able to get at least several hours sleep before my briefing with Wedge. That was not the case, however, and looking back, I couldn't have been happier.
I had sensed Jag's presence even before he arrived at my quarters. I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Aside from my father, Jag was very adept at keeping his thoughts and feelings hidden away in the furthest recesses of his heart and his mind. It bothered me sometimes that I couldn't get a handle on what was going on inside him; he was harder to read than most beings I knew.
That night, it had been different. Jag's presence was open to me in a way I had never expected. He was upset about something and I sensed a fear in him that was uncommon. I crawled out of bed and slipped on my robe. Whatever it was, it seemed to consume him and he needed me. I don't know why I thought that; I just knew that Jag didn't want to be alone, that he wanted to be with me.
I opened the door and had to suck back the gasp that almost escaped me. Jag looked terrible. Well, he was utterly handsome, however the man standing before me looked weary and haggard. His expression was grave, his hair mussed from sleep. The white shirt he wore was half-tucked into his pants. He forced a grin to his face but it didn't care up into his eyes. They were haunted, as if he had seen too much and couldn't bare to look any longer.
It hit me then. The fear I sensed in him wasn't for himself. It was for me.
I wasn't in any immediate danger. We were safe here at the base Wedge had established. I stepped back from the door, allowing him to enter the room. It wasn't a secret anymore that Jag and I were dating. Those who knew about our relationship supported us and it was wonderful to finally be able to express our feelings for each other in public, although Jag still blushed a lot whenever I kissed him in front of our friends.
"What is it?" I'd asked, closing the door behind him. The light in my room wasn't all that good and it was rather dim, but it didn't hide the expression on his face.
Jag looked around the room and ran his fingers through his hair. He was uncertain about coming here. What was going on with him? My worry increased tenfold. I walked over to him and rested a hand on his arm. His skin was warm beneath my touch.
"I couldn't sleep."
He had been dreaming again. For the last several nights I had sensed his sudden shock from waking during a dream. A dream that disturbed him greatly. I had tried a number of times to convince him to talk about it, that sharing it with someone might help him understand it and eventually make it go away. He refused, drawing deeper into himself with each day. Drawing further away from me. He had denied that was what he was doing, but I could feel the distance growing very slowly each day. It wasn't that our relationship was floundering; I knew that Jag loved me. I loved him with a ferocity that was both refreshing and scary.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I knew that answer before he even spoke it.
"No." He turned to me, the grin a little more sincere and he slowly began to relax. "I just needed to see you."
He sounded sad. I wondered at that. The dreams must have stirred something so poignant in him that it carried over to his wakened state of mind. I took both his hands, cupped them together and placed a soft kiss on the two joined palms. Was he trembling? Or was that me?
"I'll always be here, Jag."
"Don't say that, Jaina. Always is a long time."
His words puzzled me and again I wondered what was going on. His fingers curled against my skin. "Please, talk to me. What's troubling you?" I knew I shouldn't press the issue but his behaviour concerned me. I had never seen him like this before. I loved him too much to ignore that something weighed heavily upon his soul.
"I've got a lot of things on my mind." he confessed. His eyes widened slightly as if he were surprised by his own admission. "I don't want to talk about it. Please, Jaina. Let's leave it for now, okay?"
"If that's what you want." I wasn't happy with that but I gave in to his wish. I glanced briefly toward the window. The moon was out tonight and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I thought the fresh air might do him some good. "Do you want to go for a walk? It's a beautiful night--"
"No. I want to stay here with you." The emotions I sensed in him then were like a beacon calling out to me, guiding me home. The love he had for me was greater than the both of us and it reflected in his eyes.
I brought my arms up around his neck. Jag stood immobile before me, his expression still saddened. One more small step and I was so close that a breath could not separate us. My bare feet touched his boots. Over the last few years we had gone from mere comrades-in-arms to two people in love. There had been bridges built between us, those of laughter and those of pain. I wished for more. A joining at its most elementary. I knew then that tonight was going to be the most profound night of our lives.
For a moment, Jag stood unmoving before me, then he fisted a hand through my hair, pulling my head back. This man was not severe, nor stern. Nor was he controlled. His breathing was as quick as mine.
His mouth descended upon mine, his lips hot and hard and insistent. I strained upward to meet his desperate kiss, parting my lips to inhale his breath and feel the touch of his tongue. Not in seduction, but in welcomed passion. With each breath my awareness of him expanded, as did a sense of life itself. Jag's finger beneath my chin tilted my head up at a better angle, the heat of his breath warming mine. His heart mimicked the beat of my own. His other hand came around my back, pressing flat against me and I could feel the heat of his touch through my nightgown.
Jag pulled back from our kiss and I stood before him, my breath rapid, my heart thundering in my chest. There was a look in his eyes I had never seen before. It was not gentle nor was it tender. His eyes were filled with a longing that threatened to spill out and devour us both. I lost myself in that look, lost all sense of time and place. All that mattered was Jag.
It was at that moment I felt the most defenceless. I had wanted this and in doing so had counted the cost of it. But I had not known how completely I would be required to surrender myself. Not simply body but will. And control, perhaps, over what I had always known was mine. The pounding of my heart, the measure of my breaths. Even the emotions my body might own and know.
Sharing this would change me forever. I would no longer be myself, but part of a greater whole. My memories of myself would be entwined with those of him. I would never be as naive in body and never as innocent in mind.
I had never thought that I could be taken to a place that was filled with so much love and passion and joy that I would never want to return. Thankfully, I was mistaken. Jag took me there and beyond and I knew that I would never love another as I did this beautiful man in my arms. I would never again feel complete or at peace unless I was with him. I had thought the act one of physical joining, never realizing that it could involve my soul. That I might splinter into a million pieces and all of them connected each to the other. It was more than that. A breath of joy, so pure and sweet that it chilled me with its perfection.
Jag's breath caught and then expanded. A gasp turned into an inarticulate plea. A moan. A sigh. A prayer.
"I love you, Jaina." his voice was low and harsh with lust. His words were echoed through the Force.
Even though I knew how he felt about me, hearing Jag say those words stirred feelings in me that I never knew existed. It was the most wonderful sound, his love for me whispered during the height of his passion.
"I love you." I breathed, even as I soared.
I don't know how long we had laid wrapped in each other's arms afterwards. We were quiet yet our silence spoke volumes. I never wanted to leave the sanctity of his embrace. I would give anything to remain in this breathtaking place forever.
Little did I know then that it would the first and last time we made love.
"Jaina, will you promise me something?"
His voice startled me, so soft was it. I turned to look at him, saw the solemn expression that had returned to his face. "Anything."
"No matter what happens, promise me that you won't forget this night. Promise that you'll remember me."
His words scared me. I thought about questioning him about that remark but something inside warned me not to. It was important for Jag to hear my answer.
I placed a kiss against his cheek then rested my head on his chest. His arm tightened around me, as if he were afraid to let go. "I promise. I will never forget this night. I will always remember you."
A wave of peace washed over him and I imagined his smile.
Forty-eight hours later, Jag was dead.
**********
Jag's death had come during one of the biggest space battles we fought against the Yuuzhan Vong. I wasn't with him when it happened but I felt it as strongly as if a blade had been plunged through my heart. I had sensed his sudden fear, his determined courage, his final breath.
I had learned not long after that the clawcraft's shields had failed, that the ship had taken considerable damage. A Vong frigate was on the verge of destroying a passenger liner that had stumbled into the fight. The enemy ship had suffered heavily as well and Jag, never swerving from the hero's path, had recognized an opportunity to stop the Vong before they killed more innocent lives. He had turned his ship toward the frigate, his final run against the enemy. His suicide mission had not only taken out the frigate, he had also killed hundreds of Vong in the process.
I had been wrapped up in my own fight on planet and the Jedi and New Republic troops had finished off the Vong who had invaded. I hadn't even had the chance to catch my breath when the impact of Jag's death shook me to the very core of my soul. The lightsaber had fallen from my hand as I touched on Jag's last thoughts.
Jaina. Remember me... Then he was gone.
That was one year ago.
Someone had told me that the pain would eventually fade. That it would get better. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I cry every night when I go to asleep and I wake up screaming his name. The pain in my heart is so deep and raw I know that it will never subside. Jag was my true love, my first and only lover, my friend. How can I go on without him?
Sometimes I think I can feel him with me. The gentle sway of the curtains in the bedroom while I try to sleep. The feel that his arms, so strong and loving, are wrapped around me, comforting me. If I close my eyes I can see his handsome face, made even more rugged with the scar over his right eye, smiling at me. I ache with a pain I cannot even describe.
I'm surrounded by loved ones but I still feel very alone. Mom and Dad come by every day and visit. Sometimes they spend the night. They're worried about me. I haven't been eating as well and even though I need to keep my strength up, I don't have the energy most days. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? To want to stop living because Jag is not here with me? I know I have to think differently. There is so much to live for.
Jacen and Tenal Ka visit as often as they can. When they're not here, my brother communicates with me through the Force. Most times I feel comfortable talking to him but sometimes I don't want to let anyone in.
Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara stay with me when they visit from the Jedi Academy. Little Ben is getting so big. Kyp comes by when he can, as do some of the other Jedi and Rogue Squadron pilots. Kyp has been a great friend to me. I'm thankful that he's in my life.
Wedge, Iella, and the girls come to visit also. Most days, I don't want any company. It's hard to tell my friends that so I endure the visits. Don't get me wrong. I love them all but I need my space. I want to be alone.
Soontir and Syal Fel are here almost as often as Mom and Dad. They have been so wonderful to me. I never dreamed that General Baron Fel would be so understanding and sensitive. I think that his grief is greater than mine, that he blames himself for Jag's death and being here helps to ease that sometimes. Syal hovers over me all the time, always making sure that I'm taken care of even though she's constantly fighting back her own tears.
Every day I think back to that night Jag and I shared. I am reminded not only of the promise I made to him, but of the feelings that we shared and how momentous our love was at that moment. Sometimes I dream that he is here with me and we're creating more memories. Even though we had only known each other a short time, we loved a lifetime's worth.
I remember that before that night I had been planning out my future with Jag. He wasn't aware of it of course, but I had my own hopes and fantasies. I had even gone so far as to write my name with his surname, to see how it looked and sounded. Silly, isn't it? I imagined us flying our respective ships until we were too old to grasp the controls. I heard Jag's laugh as we ran along a beach on Z'trop, stopping long enough for a little fun in the sand before we went swimming. I had even dreamed about how I wanted my wedding dress to look.
Those moments had been stolen from us. We may not have been wed but that night we were married in our hearts.
Wiping tears from my cheeks, I glanced down at the face staring back at me. Chubby little cheeks, chestnut brown hair, pale green eyes so hauntingly familiar.
Jagged.
His father would have been proud.
-----------------------
***Note: DON'T KILL JAG!!!!
**This is a one-shot deal, based on an idea I had should this moment every occur.**
----------------
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was the middle of the night and I had just fallen asleep. It had been a long day and I was exhausted. I thought I'd be able to get at least several hours sleep before my briefing with Wedge. That was not the case, however, and looking back, I couldn't have been happier.
I had sensed Jag's presence even before he arrived at my quarters. I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Aside from my father, Jag was very adept at keeping his thoughts and feelings hidden away in the furthest recesses of his heart and his mind. It bothered me sometimes that I couldn't get a handle on what was going on inside him; he was harder to read than most beings I knew.
That night, it had been different. Jag's presence was open to me in a way I had never expected. He was upset about something and I sensed a fear in him that was uncommon. I crawled out of bed and slipped on my robe. Whatever it was, it seemed to consume him and he needed me. I don't know why I thought that; I just knew that Jag didn't want to be alone, that he wanted to be with me.
I opened the door and had to suck back the gasp that almost escaped me. Jag looked terrible. Well, he was utterly handsome, however the man standing before me looked weary and haggard. His expression was grave, his hair mussed from sleep. The white shirt he wore was half-tucked into his pants. He forced a grin to his face but it didn't care up into his eyes. They were haunted, as if he had seen too much and couldn't bare to look any longer.
It hit me then. The fear I sensed in him wasn't for himself. It was for me.
I wasn't in any immediate danger. We were safe here at the base Wedge had established. I stepped back from the door, allowing him to enter the room. It wasn't a secret anymore that Jag and I were dating. Those who knew about our relationship supported us and it was wonderful to finally be able to express our feelings for each other in public, although Jag still blushed a lot whenever I kissed him in front of our friends.
"What is it?" I'd asked, closing the door behind him. The light in my room wasn't all that good and it was rather dim, but it didn't hide the expression on his face.
Jag looked around the room and ran his fingers through his hair. He was uncertain about coming here. What was going on with him? My worry increased tenfold. I walked over to him and rested a hand on his arm. His skin was warm beneath my touch.
"I couldn't sleep."
He had been dreaming again. For the last several nights I had sensed his sudden shock from waking during a dream. A dream that disturbed him greatly. I had tried a number of times to convince him to talk about it, that sharing it with someone might help him understand it and eventually make it go away. He refused, drawing deeper into himself with each day. Drawing further away from me. He had denied that was what he was doing, but I could feel the distance growing very slowly each day. It wasn't that our relationship was floundering; I knew that Jag loved me. I loved him with a ferocity that was both refreshing and scary.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I knew that answer before he even spoke it.
"No." He turned to me, the grin a little more sincere and he slowly began to relax. "I just needed to see you."
He sounded sad. I wondered at that. The dreams must have stirred something so poignant in him that it carried over to his wakened state of mind. I took both his hands, cupped them together and placed a soft kiss on the two joined palms. Was he trembling? Or was that me?
"I'll always be here, Jag."
"Don't say that, Jaina. Always is a long time."
His words puzzled me and again I wondered what was going on. His fingers curled against my skin. "Please, talk to me. What's troubling you?" I knew I shouldn't press the issue but his behaviour concerned me. I had never seen him like this before. I loved him too much to ignore that something weighed heavily upon his soul.
"I've got a lot of things on my mind." he confessed. His eyes widened slightly as if he were surprised by his own admission. "I don't want to talk about it. Please, Jaina. Let's leave it for now, okay?"
"If that's what you want." I wasn't happy with that but I gave in to his wish. I glanced briefly toward the window. The moon was out tonight and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I thought the fresh air might do him some good. "Do you want to go for a walk? It's a beautiful night--"
"No. I want to stay here with you." The emotions I sensed in him then were like a beacon calling out to me, guiding me home. The love he had for me was greater than the both of us and it reflected in his eyes.
I brought my arms up around his neck. Jag stood immobile before me, his expression still saddened. One more small step and I was so close that a breath could not separate us. My bare feet touched his boots. Over the last few years we had gone from mere comrades-in-arms to two people in love. There had been bridges built between us, those of laughter and those of pain. I wished for more. A joining at its most elementary. I knew then that tonight was going to be the most profound night of our lives.
For a moment, Jag stood unmoving before me, then he fisted a hand through my hair, pulling my head back. This man was not severe, nor stern. Nor was he controlled. His breathing was as quick as mine.
His mouth descended upon mine, his lips hot and hard and insistent. I strained upward to meet his desperate kiss, parting my lips to inhale his breath and feel the touch of his tongue. Not in seduction, but in welcomed passion. With each breath my awareness of him expanded, as did a sense of life itself. Jag's finger beneath my chin tilted my head up at a better angle, the heat of his breath warming mine. His heart mimicked the beat of my own. His other hand came around my back, pressing flat against me and I could feel the heat of his touch through my nightgown.
Jag pulled back from our kiss and I stood before him, my breath rapid, my heart thundering in my chest. There was a look in his eyes I had never seen before. It was not gentle nor was it tender. His eyes were filled with a longing that threatened to spill out and devour us both. I lost myself in that look, lost all sense of time and place. All that mattered was Jag.
It was at that moment I felt the most defenceless. I had wanted this and in doing so had counted the cost of it. But I had not known how completely I would be required to surrender myself. Not simply body but will. And control, perhaps, over what I had always known was mine. The pounding of my heart, the measure of my breaths. Even the emotions my body might own and know.
Sharing this would change me forever. I would no longer be myself, but part of a greater whole. My memories of myself would be entwined with those of him. I would never be as naive in body and never as innocent in mind.
I had never thought that I could be taken to a place that was filled with so much love and passion and joy that I would never want to return. Thankfully, I was mistaken. Jag took me there and beyond and I knew that I would never love another as I did this beautiful man in my arms. I would never again feel complete or at peace unless I was with him. I had thought the act one of physical joining, never realizing that it could involve my soul. That I might splinter into a million pieces and all of them connected each to the other. It was more than that. A breath of joy, so pure and sweet that it chilled me with its perfection.
Jag's breath caught and then expanded. A gasp turned into an inarticulate plea. A moan. A sigh. A prayer.
"I love you, Jaina." his voice was low and harsh with lust. His words were echoed through the Force.
Even though I knew how he felt about me, hearing Jag say those words stirred feelings in me that I never knew existed. It was the most wonderful sound, his love for me whispered during the height of his passion.
"I love you." I breathed, even as I soared.
I don't know how long we had laid wrapped in each other's arms afterwards. We were quiet yet our silence spoke volumes. I never wanted to leave the sanctity of his embrace. I would give anything to remain in this breathtaking place forever.
Little did I know then that it would the first and last time we made love.
"Jaina, will you promise me something?"
His voice startled me, so soft was it. I turned to look at him, saw the solemn expression that had returned to his face. "Anything."
"No matter what happens, promise me that you won't forget this night. Promise that you'll remember me."
His words scared me. I thought about questioning him about that remark but something inside warned me not to. It was important for Jag to hear my answer.
I placed a kiss against his cheek then rested my head on his chest. His arm tightened around me, as if he were afraid to let go. "I promise. I will never forget this night. I will always remember you."
A wave of peace washed over him and I imagined his smile.
Forty-eight hours later, Jag was dead.
**********
Jag's death had come during one of the biggest space battles we fought against the Yuuzhan Vong. I wasn't with him when it happened but I felt it as strongly as if a blade had been plunged through my heart. I had sensed his sudden fear, his determined courage, his final breath.
I had learned not long after that the clawcraft's shields had failed, that the ship had taken considerable damage. A Vong frigate was on the verge of destroying a passenger liner that had stumbled into the fight. The enemy ship had suffered heavily as well and Jag, never swerving from the hero's path, had recognized an opportunity to stop the Vong before they killed more innocent lives. He had turned his ship toward the frigate, his final run against the enemy. His suicide mission had not only taken out the frigate, he had also killed hundreds of Vong in the process.
I had been wrapped up in my own fight on planet and the Jedi and New Republic troops had finished off the Vong who had invaded. I hadn't even had the chance to catch my breath when the impact of Jag's death shook me to the very core of my soul. The lightsaber had fallen from my hand as I touched on Jag's last thoughts.
Jaina. Remember me... Then he was gone.
That was one year ago.
Someone had told me that the pain would eventually fade. That it would get better. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I cry every night when I go to asleep and I wake up screaming his name. The pain in my heart is so deep and raw I know that it will never subside. Jag was my true love, my first and only lover, my friend. How can I go on without him?
Sometimes I think I can feel him with me. The gentle sway of the curtains in the bedroom while I try to sleep. The feel that his arms, so strong and loving, are wrapped around me, comforting me. If I close my eyes I can see his handsome face, made even more rugged with the scar over his right eye, smiling at me. I ache with a pain I cannot even describe.
I'm surrounded by loved ones but I still feel very alone. Mom and Dad come by every day and visit. Sometimes they spend the night. They're worried about me. I haven't been eating as well and even though I need to keep my strength up, I don't have the energy most days. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? To want to stop living because Jag is not here with me? I know I have to think differently. There is so much to live for.
Jacen and Tenal Ka visit as often as they can. When they're not here, my brother communicates with me through the Force. Most times I feel comfortable talking to him but sometimes I don't want to let anyone in.
Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara stay with me when they visit from the Jedi Academy. Little Ben is getting so big. Kyp comes by when he can, as do some of the other Jedi and Rogue Squadron pilots. Kyp has been a great friend to me. I'm thankful that he's in my life.
Wedge, Iella, and the girls come to visit also. Most days, I don't want any company. It's hard to tell my friends that so I endure the visits. Don't get me wrong. I love them all but I need my space. I want to be alone.
Soontir and Syal Fel are here almost as often as Mom and Dad. They have been so wonderful to me. I never dreamed that General Baron Fel would be so understanding and sensitive. I think that his grief is greater than mine, that he blames himself for Jag's death and being here helps to ease that sometimes. Syal hovers over me all the time, always making sure that I'm taken care of even though she's constantly fighting back her own tears.
Every day I think back to that night Jag and I shared. I am reminded not only of the promise I made to him, but of the feelings that we shared and how momentous our love was at that moment. Sometimes I dream that he is here with me and we're creating more memories. Even though we had only known each other a short time, we loved a lifetime's worth.
I remember that before that night I had been planning out my future with Jag. He wasn't aware of it of course, but I had my own hopes and fantasies. I had even gone so far as to write my name with his surname, to see how it looked and sounded. Silly, isn't it? I imagined us flying our respective ships until we were too old to grasp the controls. I heard Jag's laugh as we ran along a beach on Z'trop, stopping long enough for a little fun in the sand before we went swimming. I had even dreamed about how I wanted my wedding dress to look.
Those moments had been stolen from us. We may not have been wed but that night we were married in our hearts.
Wiping tears from my cheeks, I glanced down at the face staring back at me. Chubby little cheeks, chestnut brown hair, pale green eyes so hauntingly familiar.
Jagged.
His father would have been proud.
-----------------------
***Note: DON'T KILL JAG!!!!