RvB Secret Santa gift for axapanda53 on Tumblr.
Disclaimer: I am not part of Rooster Teeth and thus do not own Red vs Blue.
-
It was just another day at Redd's Bakery for Dick Simmons. Customers came, they ordered, they left. Simmons would serve them as usual, just hoping to get some extra tips.
A customer came in as Simmons was restocking some cupcakes. "Hey Donut," he shouted, "gimme my usual!"
Simmons stopped what he was doing to attend the register. "Donut's in the back. Who are you?" he asked as he eyed the stranger. He was overweight with an orange tee-shirt that could easily be mistaken for yellow.
"Only Redd's most loyal customer," he replied, "Dexter Grif, friends call me Grif."
"What's your normal, Grif?"
"Two glazed doughnuts and an orange peel cupcake."
"Wow, no wonder you're fat," the nerd muttered as he grabbed the order.
"Hey!"
"Shit! You heard that!?"
"Yeah! Fuck you, dick!"
Simmons gave Grif his order and took his money. "It's Simmons," he corrected.
Grif left without acknowledging Simmons' last statement. After he was gone, Simmons called his co-worker, Donut, over.
"What's up with that Grif guy?" he asked.
"That's Grif! He comes here all the time and always gets the same thing."
"How come I've never seen him?"
"Oh, he usually only comes while you're at school. He must've been late this time, huh?"
"Uh... Sure."
Suddenly their boss burst in muttering curses under his breath.
"Damn Blues," shouted their manager. Nobody knew the ex-militant's name. He demanded everybody call him Sarge.
"What happened this time, sir?" Simmons inquired.
"Those monster's at Bakery Blues are stealin' our ideas again."
"What'd they take this time, sir?"
"Right after we got the Warthog, they got themselves a car they call Sheila."
The Warthog was a company car they had gotten to make deliveries. Simmons didn't know why they called it that as it didn't look like a warthog at all.
"Those fiends!"
"Donut, I want you to go over there and mess with their dastardly plans!" Sarge ordered.
"On it!" Donut replied as he left to go to their rival across the street.
Sarge went to the back to complain about the Blues, leaving Simmons alone to think about Grif.
He seems like a lazy, fat asshole. So why do I like him?
-
Meanwhile, Grif was eating his food in his car. He was on his way back home when he began thinking about what had happened in Redd's.
"Ugh, that dick, Simmons," he said to himself. "That nerd had no right calling me fat. Even if I am."
He made a mental note to go in there tomorrow and give the cashier a piece of his mind.
-
Donut ran into the rival bakery and immediately began talking to Caboose. He would be the perfect target for what Donut had planned.
"Oh hello, Donut!" Caboose greeted, "How is it going?"
"Same as always!"
"That's good."
"So I heard you got a new car?"
"Yeah. That's Sheila."
"Let's go for a ride."
"Uh, I don't think we should. We don't really know how to drive her yet."
"C'mon! It'll be fun!" Donut encouraged.
"Uh... Okay, fine!" Caboose complied. "Tucker, I'm leaving," he shouted to the back.
"'Kay bye!" Tucker yelled back to him.
The two departed for their joyride in the Blue's new company car.
-
The next day Simmons was working another shift.
The orange guy, Grif as Simmons remembered, walked in.
Upon seeing Simmons, Grif shouted, "Hey! You're the asshole that called me fat!"
"Yes," Simmons replied, "That is me. Sorry about that."
"It's whatever. Can I just get my usual?"
"Doughnuts and a cupcake right?"
"Yeah."
Simmons handed Grif the order with a smile and took his money.
"Thanks," Grif said, putting a dollar in the tip jar. He left without saying anything else.
Simmons took the dollar out and noticed something written on it. Scrawled onto Washington's face was a phone number. He decided to call it later and pocketed the bill.
-
After Grif left, Simmons shift passed as it usually did. Only it felt like it passed much, much slower.
When he got back to his dorm after work he pulled the dollar out of his pocket and dialled the number. He held his breath as the phone rang.
"Hello?" answered a familiar voice.
Simmons screamed and hung up immediately.
Stupid, he thought, Why did I chicken out!?
"Ugh."
He put the dollar in his wallet and decided to go to bed.
-
A few weeks passed and Grif came in on almost all of Simmons' shifts. Simmons was secretly disappointed whenever he didn't see the man.
Every time Grif came in, though, Simmons made sure to learn something about him. The two got to know each other and eventually became friends.
Eventually Simmons decided to call Grif again. He sat in his dorm and nervously dialled the number once more.
The phone rang for what felt like forever before being answered.
"Hello?" Grif answered.
"Hi, is this Grif?" Simmons inquired.
"Yeah, who's asking?"
"Uh, it's Simmons. From the bakery."
"Oh cool. 'Sup?"
"I was wondering if you'd wanna hang out sometime?"
"Sure. I'm not really busy a lot. What do you wanna do."
"Uh..." Simmons started. Shoot what if he's not into guys? What if he thinks I'm asking him out and doesn't like me afterwards? "Bro stuff," he said at last.
"Sounds cool. What time?"
"Does Saturday work?"
"Yeah sounds good see ya then."
Grif hung up. Simmons wondered what kind of "bro stuff" they would be doing.
Meanwhile Grif was wondering if he was just asked on a date.
He really hoped it was a date.
-
The two ended up going to a sports bar. They watched football and got drunk.
The pair talked about many things in their drunken stage. Things as little as the weather to as existential as why they're there.
Their conversation was cut short when the Blues tunrned up in the bar and sat near the two.
"Hey," Simmons slurred, "We were here first, why don't you find a different bar?"
"We have as much right to be here as you do," Church argued.
"Yeah, plus where else are we gonna pick up hot chicks? Bow-chicka-wow-wow," Tucker asked.
Caboose cut into the conversation by arguing that they could just sit somewhere else. Then everyone would be happy.
"Fine," they all begrudgingly agreed.
An hour or so passed and everything was fine.
Until the Blues started having to much to drink.
The Blues somehow ended up with Simmons and Grif and things started getting out of hand. Insults were spewed, accusations were uttered, and threats were made. Eventually, despite Caboose's best efforts, a fight broke out.
Nobody really remembered who swung the first blow but before they knew it, there was a full blown bar fight.
Simmons, Grif, Church, and Tucker fought in quite the scuffle. They threw punches at each other, most not hitting their targets in their drunken stage.
Grif felt a punch hit his jaw. This served only to fuel his intoxicated fury. He grabbed a nearby beer bottle and smashed it over Church's head.
Church spun around to hit his attacker. Grif ducked and Church's punch hit Tucker in the stomach.
"Hey! Asshole!" Tucker jumped on Church and started pummeling his co-worker.
Simmons stood with Grif laughing at the Blues on the floor. By this time, other patrons of the bar had joined the brawl and things started escalating. Soon the bar was in full-blown chaos.
People didn't care who they hit, as long as they were hitting someone. Church and Tucker stopped fighting and Grif and Simmons went back to fighting the other two.
Not long after, the police showed up to break up the fight. It turned out Caboose had called them in a panic.
Everybody was bruised and some were passed out. The bartender told the police who started the fight and the four were put under arrest. They were hand-cuffed and as they waited for things to be taken care of, Grif turned to Simmons.
"If I'm getting arrested, there's no one I'd rather get arrested with than you."
"Really?" Simmons asked, surprised.
"Yeah!"
Simmons felt the sudden urge to kiss Grif and did so. Grif was shocked.
Simmons pulled away, embarrassed by his sudden actions.
Grif pulled him back and kissed his face. He would have liked to kiss the man longer but the police came back and began shoving Grif in the back of the car.
-
At the police station, Grif and Simmons were sat together in the cell they were put in. Donut was on his way to bail them out. Caboose had already come to pick up Church and Tucker.
"Hey, uh..." Simmons started, "about tonight?" He was worried about bringing it up. How did Grif feel about what happened?
"What about it?"
"Like when we..."
"Kissed?" Grif finished.
"Yeah that."
"Again, what about it?"
"Were you okay with it?" Simmons inquired nervously.
"I kissed back, didn't I?"
"I guess."
"Dude, when you asked me out, I wasn't sure if it was a date but I really hoped it was."
"Really!? I wasn't sure if you swung that way so I was worried that you wouldn't like me if it was a date."
"Dude I've liked you since before I gave you the dollar. Why'd you think it had my number on it?"
"I thought it might've been an accident."
"No way."
An officer approached the cell and pointed to Grif and Simmons. "You and you, your rides here. Come on." He unlocked the cell and let the two out. He led them to where Donut and his boyfriend Doc were waiting. "Alright, you're free to go. Here's your stuff." He handed the two their things and the group departed without a word.
-
After Doc did a brief check of the injuries Grif and Simmons attained, he gave them both some ibuprofen for their pain and what would become a massive headache.
They got in the car and the four sat awkwardly.
"So are you two dating now or what?" Donut prodded.
"Uh..." Simmons and Grif said in unison.
Donut laughed at the pair. "Why not? You two are perfect for each other. Why do you think I set you up?"
"No you didn't," Simmons argued, "he just came to the bakery one day."
"Yeah, but he came late. Then he came late every day after that." Donut reminded his co-worker.
"So? What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has to do with everything." Grif cut in. "He told me the day before that you guys were gonna start making your cupcakes later in the day. I didn't want to stop getting my cupcakes so I started comimg later.
"Later he showed up at my place with that weird blue guy and we hung out for a while.
"He asked me what I thought of you," he looked at Simmons, "and I told him that you were a dick."
"Hey!"
"Shut up. Anyway, he told me that you weren't that bad, that you were just a dumb nerd, and that I should get to know you.
"The blue guy-"
"Caboose," Donut amended.
"Caboose, Grif restarted, "agreed with him and said that we should all try to be friends. I just went with it for the weird guy's sake.
"I came in the next day and was mad at first but then I remembered what I said so I tried being nicer. I saw that you were actually sorry and gave you my number in case you ever wanted to chill."
"And the rest is history," Doc finished.
"So wait," Simmons started, "you did all this to set me and Grif up?"
"Duh. You're supposed to be the smart one right? So it should have been obvious."
Simmons thought for a moment and realized that Donut was right. It should have been obvious.
The car pulled up to Simmons' dorm and he got out.
"Make sure to take a couple ibuprofens in the morning to deal with your hangover," Doc suggested as the car drove away.
Simmons went to his room and flopped down onto his bed, not bothering to remove his clothes. The second his head hit the pillow he was out.
-
The next day at Redd's Bakery, Simmons was congratulated by Sarge for messing with the dastardly Blues.
Normally, praise from his employer would make Simmons ecstatic but not that day. He had a lot on his mind. Not to mention the lingering headache from his hangover.
At least he didn't have to worry about the fight. Donut had told him that since nothing was really broken at the bar, the owner decided not to press charges.
By the time Grif showed up for his order Simmons felt like he had waited an eternity.
"My usual," he ordered, "and can I get a... kiss?"
"We'll see," Simmons replied, grabbing the food. He gave the order to Grif, leaning in as he did so. They kissed for a while and when they stopped, Grif deposited a dollar in the tip jar and left.
Simmons reached into the jar and removed the dollar.
Scrawled on Washington's face was a note that read, "Text me if you wanna hang out again." Simmons smiled and pocketed the dollar. He would make sure to text Grif later that night.
-
Donut smiled as he watched as the two kissed over the store counter. He was pleased with his work.
-
AN: I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to leave a comment if you want.
Thanks for reading.