A/N: I know I said I'd never post here again, but I have to say, out of everything I've written, this has to be my all-time favourite and I couldn't resist sharing. My writing skills have improved quite a bit over the last year, and I'm a lot prouder of my new stories than I am of my old ones. I hope you guys are too.
I've taken a few liberties with canon (ha, what else is new?), so just to clarify: Hugo Weaving played Elrond in the Lord of the Rings movies, and also played the drag queen Mitzi in Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. So, hypothetically, if Priscilla was a stage show in Middle-Earth, then Elrond would be Mitzi. I don't really care how unlikely that is, it's funny, and that's the point. Hopefully I can help to combat the chronic shortage of Ereinion/Elrond fics. :)
Rated M just to be safe.
I don't own these two, I just manipulate them for my own amusement.
IF THE IDEA OF A HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TOLKIEN'S ELROND AND EREINION UPSETS YOU, DO NOT READ FURTHER.
(The back button is your friend. Use it!)
"It's all terribly suggestive, really," Elrond said, taking another sip of wine as he regarded the chess pieces.
"What is?" Ereinion asked.
"Chess," Elrond elaborated, making his next move.
"How?" Ereinion took advantage of Elrond's inattention to strategy and took the knight that had just been moved in front of his queen. He was unable to see anything in the pieces other than what they were.
"Well," the half-elf began, picking up the knight, "the knight is like a knight in shining armour, which features in every clichéd romance story, and it has the shape of a horse which could indicate that this particular knight is hung like one."
Ereinion snorted, thinking that this was the weirdest theory that Elrond had ever thought of, but he was curious as to where this train of thought was going. Elrond replaced the knight and picked up the bishop.
"The bishop...well, generally speaking bishops have a bit of a bad reputation, if you get my drift." When Ereinion nodded Elrond continued, "The pawns are just there, watching the proceedings like voyeurs."
He indicated the scattered line of pawns with the bishop and put it back on the board as Ereinion laughed. The King took a sip of his own wine, before leaning forward and picking up one of his own pieces, holding it up questioningly, "And the rook?"
"The rook..." Elrond was momentarily at a loss, then his face lit up as he thought of something. "It's a castle, right? And castles feature prominently in most fairy tales as places where the princesses are trapped at some point in the story, and need to be rescued from by the prince, at which point they live happily ever after which means sex is inevitable."
Ereinion nodded in agreement and looked at the only two unaddressed pieces on the board. "So that just leaves the king..." he looked up as Elrond indicated him, "...and the queen." Elrond pointed to himself.
"You're the queen?" Ereinion asked incredulously, amusement evident in his voice.
Elrond drained his glass. "I made a very convincing drag queen in Priscilla," he stated.
"So you did," the King laughed. "So, what's suggestive about the king and queen?"
Elrond smirked, stood up and stepped over to where Ereinion was sitting, pulling the King to his feet. "You'll find out," he whispered. A shiver ran down Ereinion's spine and he drew the younger elf in for a kiss.
Elrond swiftly took control, breaking away from the kiss as he walked backwards towards the bed and pulled Ereinion after him by the hand. When he reached the side, he leant in to kiss Ereinion again, undoing the few buttons on the other elf's loose tunic and pushing it off his shoulders. Elrond pulled away once more and reversed their positions so that Ereinion had his back towards the bed. The King looked at the half-elf questioningly, wondering why it mattered. Elrond laughed at Ereinion's unspoken question and gently pushed the taller elf back. It wasn't a very hard shove, but it was enough to unsteady him, and when Ereinion went to take a step back to regain his balance his shin hit the side of the bed and he unceremoniously fell backwards onto the big mattress.
Deciding that two could play this game, he grabbed Elrond's hand and tugged the other elf down on top of him, lacing his long fingers in Elrond's long dark hair and pulling him down for an intense kiss. Elrond straddled Ereinion's hips and reached up to grab his wrists, pulling them above the older elf's head and holding them there with one of his own hands as he pulled away. Ereinion registered that he was now trapped, and looked up in surprise. Looking into Elrond's eyes he saw that the younger elf looked very smug. Elrond smirked and leant close to the King's face, so that their lips were almost touching.
"Checkmate."
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