"Touko.." His eyes were hesitant yet anxious. "I like you." Kazemaru breathed out a sigh at the end, mist forming almost as quickly as it dissipated. The streetlights flickered as he leaned on the barrier of the overhead bridge, waiting for his close friend's response. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it would burst, and his sweat was cold in the wind.
Touko, the girl who always kept her cool, was simply speechless. Her eyes reflected the shock of the sudden news.
One.
Two.
Three seconds of silence that felt like hours to him. The tension was so thick between them that you could cut it with a knife.
He didn't know what came over him, so he did what he was always good at, running away.
He could hear her chasing after him, shouting his name, but the fear of rejection overcame him. He was nowhere to be found, as he hid like the coward he was. Even though the bustling crowd hid him from her, there was nothing he could do to hide his feelings for her.
I'm sorry, Touko. That thought rang in his mind as he kept running, a stray tear rolling down his cheek, and to the hard cement floor.
Footsteps approach, and I wish that they were yours. Even though I know that can't be right.
It has been a month of running away.
A month of ignoring her calls and texts.
A month of suffering and heartbreak.
It was the night of Christmas Eve. Kazemaru walked along the crowded street, moving towards the place where they parted. He has yet to get over his feelings for Touko, and he wished that Touko was here with him.
Christmas Eve has always been a special day for them. They used to always watch the Christmas countdown together at their usual place, the overhead bridge. The illuminations always seemed to take their breath away every year.
"From now on, you'll have to watch them with me every year, okay?" The eleven-year old Touko told Kazemaru as they watched the illuminations for the first time together.
"Is that a promise?"
"Let's make it one then!" The memories of those promises echoed through his mind as he clenched his fist to numb the wretched pain in his heart.
They used to always walked along the streets together. The pinkette would chat eagerly with the bluenette as their footsteps clattered on the hard cement. Now, Kazemaru would wish that the footsteps that passed by were Touko's. He had his hopes up, only to find it crashing down when he realised that it wasn't her.
Wake up Kazemaru. Its not a dream. She can't possibly be here with you. Not after what you did.
Those feelings, of wanting to walk close by your side-- I find myself wishing for you to accept them.
The confession was the reason she wasn't with you right now. You fucked up. If only you've kept your feelings to yourself, she would still be here by your side. Kazemaru inhaled a sharp breath to ease the throbbing pain in his heart.
If only she would accept my feelings. Kazemaru continued to walk in the cold winter night, kicking a pebble on his way.
My unformed words leave my mouth as a chilly sigh, and disappear in an instant, at the street corner where I stand alone.
Why doesn't she like me back?
She probably hates me now.
I'm such a coward, its not a wonder she never likes me.
He had it all bottled up. His frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness and love. He so badly wanted to scream all of his emotions out in that moment, but it all came out as a single sigh. The hot air clashed with the cold, and condensed into water droplets which disappeared in the snap of the fingers.
Kazemaru leaned on the wall of a building at the corner of the street, alone and looking up at the night sky where the stars shone brightly.
I'm searching for your back among the crowd, even though I know you can't possibly be there.
He knew that Touko couldn't be one of the people walking down the street, and yet, the bluenette's eyes still looked for her. He longed to see the pinkette in her cute hat as she walked towards him with the jacket she always wore during this special occasion - a red coat that matched with his green one.
Kazemaru's eyes still scanned across the crowd for her, but to no avail.
Maybe promises were meant to be broken, after all.
I should've told you today that I wanted to see you, now I regret missing that chance.
He longed for Touko to be here with him. Even after running away, he still missed her. He wanted to see her so badly, but he was afraid.
He missed the melodious laugh he heard every day.
He missed the cute pout Touko would show him as he teased her.
He missed the stories she would tell whenever they were together.
He missed the way her eyes shined whenever they played soccer together.
He missed it all.
Kazemaru regretted ever being a coward. He would've called her and they would have still watched the lights together. He wanted to see her.
If only I had it in me to pull out my phone, and call you to say, "Come here, come quick, please..."
He pulled out his phone, and went to his messages. There were a lot of messages, especially spam mail which he never bothered to open. The ignored texts from Touko were unread, and the last time she texted him was four days ago.
Kazemaru wanted to call her up, and ask her to come. Thus, he opened his contacts, looking for the picture of a parfait eating Touko. There was a star beside Touko's contact, and he wanted to call her. His finger hovered on top of the screen, but he couldn't seem to find the courage to press it.
Hesitating, indecisive, I still can't make up my mind.
Should I call her? Should I not?
Even as I count the stars with my fingertips, the day I fell in love -- thinking about it makes my chest hurt.
He gave up with trying, thus he shoved the phone into his pocket along with his hand. The starry sky above him had hundreds of stars, but only a few shone brightly.
He reached out his free hand's pointer finger and pointed at each brightly shining star, counting them.
One. Two. Three. Somehow, it made him remember the first day he fell in love -- the day that they both met for the first time.
'I'll beat the shit out of you. Just you wait.' The ten year old Kazemaru furiously kicked the soccer ball, sending it flying into the goal. The orange sky was above him, pink and purple hues dancing across the sky.
'Weak. Coward.' Those thoughts rang in his mind as he imagined the faces of the bullies in the place of the goal. Another hard kick, and in the goal it was. The goal shook with the intensity of his kick, but he wasn't done yet.
'DIE!' His eyes glinted with smouldering hate and anger, and he kicked his last ball as hard as he could. He missed the goal, the ball flying to the goalpost and changing its direction to a pink haired girl.
"Watch out!" The ball was heading towards the girl's head, but she was able to catch the ball in time. She had a shocked look in her eyes as she mumbled, "I was glad Endou thought me a little goalkeeping.."
"I'm sorry! Are you hurt?" Kazemaru worriedly asked.
"I'm fine but that was an awesome kick!" The girl exclaimed eagerly, a blush staining his cheeks.
"A-ah thanks." She was really cute, with those cute sparkling eyes and a million dollar smile, he was literally whipped by then.
"Ne, ne, can I join you? Its been a while since I played soccer!" The girl exclaimed, but Kazemaru looked at her with worry.
"Are you sure you can play? Because I can get a little rough." Kazemaru hesitantly asked, and she glared at him.
"Seriously, why does everyone think that girls can't play soccer? Fine then, I'll beat you in a match." Her eyes were serious.
Kazemaru let out a sigh. "Fine." They played until they were all muddy and bruised, but they had so much fun.
Kazemaru smiled, but the pain in his chest told him otherwise. His body was cold, just like that night.
Hesitating, indecisive, I still can't make up my mind.
Were we actually meant to be? Kazemaru clutched the phone in his pocket, the decision of calling her was all too tempting.
The night's about to end, I have to make my choice soon, but, falling in love has made me a bit of a coward, huh?
He slid the sleeves of his jacket and checked the time, the neon lights showing 11:30.
C'mon Kazemaru, you can do this, call her! But his hand never moved to grab the phone in his pocket. Instead, he was trembling. In fear? Or was it anger?
He palmed his face, releasing a sigh. Why am I such a coward?
Footsteps approach, and I wish that they were yours, even though I know that can't be right. Those feelings, of wanting to walk close by your side, I find myself wishing for you to accept them.
The runner continued to walk along the streets, and the longing for Touko to be right beside him was excruciating.
"Kazemaru!" There was a call for his name. It sounded familiar, and he whipped his head back, a smile on his face. Once again, his hopes were being thrown off the cliff when he saw that it was not a pink haired girl, instead, it was blue.
"Ah, Haruna-san, good evening. What brings you here?" Kazemaru smiled painfully as he greeted Haruna.
"Just here to see the lights and I'm looking for Aki, did you see her?" Haruna questioned.
"Nope."
"I see. Well, I need to get going now! Its almost midnight." Haruna gave Kazemaru a wave before she set out to find her green haired friend in the crowd.
When I stopped to pick up the decorative lights that had fallen from the window, I suddenly felt like crying.
Crunch. The sound brought Kazemaru's attention to his feet, revealing fallen decorative lights from a random shop's window. The lights were glowing in an array of colours, aside from the light he'd stepped on.
He bent over to pick it up, and the lights were glowing warmly in his hand. This feeling was so nostalgic to him.
"Kazemaru! I can't reach it." Touko said as she struggled to stretch her hand to the top of the tree while jumping on her tippy toes, a star in hand.
"Really? Let me try." Kazemaru said as Touko handed him the star, but even if he was two inches and a half taller than her, his outstretched arms and him on tippy toes still couldn't reach the top of the tree.
"Ugh.. Its no good." Kazemaru sighed, and Touko looked like as if she had an idea.
"Kazemaru! Carry me!" Touko told him eagerly and Kazemaru simply gave her an incredulous look.
"What? No! You're going to get hurt."
"Trust me!" The look in her eyes was serious. Kazemaru sighed in defeat, and bent down so that she could climb up on him. So she did, occasionally grabbing on Kazemaru's hair whenever she was about to lose her balance, which elicited soft whines and grunts of pain from the runner.
Once she was fully steady, the bluenette passed her the star as his other hand held her ankle tight.
"A little more to the right, now move forward. Okay, done!" Kazemaru moved along to her directions, and he bent down to let Touko climb down.
"Yay! We finally did it!" Touko highfived Kazemaru who was looking at the tree proudly, admiring their work.
The tree was brightly blinking in the dim light, with tinkling soccer ball ornaments. It was topped off with a star that really shone.
He felt like crying. The memories they've shared were asking him to believe.
He then placed the blinking lights back on the cold cement floor, walking away without a word.
I got the vague sense that I'd be seeing you today, but I want to believe it's more than just a gut feeling.
Kazemaru was still hanging on. He still believed that their friendship wouldn't end like that. He wanted to believe that those memories they spent were precious, and Touko wouldn't throw away their relationship just because of a petty fucked up confession.
His heart tells him that, but brain thinks otherwise.
Maybe I'll see her today? He wanted to believe that it was just more than what his gut told him.
I wish I'd told you outright that I wanted to see you, but I stubbornly bit my tongue for no real reason.
Press and hold for voice message. He did as he was told.
Beep.
Silence. Why? You wanted her to come, right? Why are you biting your tongue then? He tasted blood.
I don't know.
I think I'll try going to our usual place. Just in case you'll be there...
You'll be there, right? He spotted the overhead bridge from afar, his legs taking him there.
After all, you promised.
Hesitating, indecisive, I still can't make up my mind.
She's not going to come, not after what you did. Save yourself some effort and go home already! His inner demons told him, immediately halting his footsteps.
No, she'll be there, I know it!
The night's about to end, I have to make my choice soon, but.. Falling in love has made me a bit of a coward, huh?
Then why didn't you call her? Coward. He internally flinched at his thoughts, but something inside still told him to not give in to these thoughts. Like a premonition.
Thus, he took a deep breath of the cold winter air, and mustered the courage to walk forward.
Once I've started running, even while trembling from the cold. (The premonition winter gave me, that you'll definitely come)
The clock at the side of the road showed 11:56. His pace started to quicken; from a walk to a slow jog. People were beginning to crowd around the plaza where the tree was. His teeth were clattering from the cold weather.
My cheeks and heartbeat began growing hot. (That premonition of winter, passion calling for love)
His heartbeat grew faster, warming his body as he ran. He ran faster and faster, hoping to make it in time.
The day I fell in love, thinking about it makes tears fill my eyes.
That day, we watched the stars too, huh? His tears welled up once more. Not holding it back as he ran, his tears dropped to the floor.
Once I've started running, even while trembling from the cold. (The premonition winter gave me, that you'll definitely come)
The overhead bridge's stairs were right in front of him, and he sprinted up, not taking any rests as his chest heaved up and down.
The countdown was starting.
I can see someone waving at me from the distance. (That premonition of winter, passion calling for love)
60..
59..
His legs were burning, but he desperately hoped that she would be on the bridge waiting for him. He ignored the burning sensation and ran.
He'd reached the top of the stairs, but there was nobody. He bent down, panting and gasping for oxygen.
55..
54..
He looked over the bridge, and a certain somebody caught his eye. It was a pinkette, wearing a red coat matching with his green one, waving at him. It was Touko, in the flesh.
His cowardly side told him to run, but he was determined to face her. He was tired of running away.
I'm sure it must be you, rushing towards me...
50..
49..
48..
Touko made a beeline to the stairs, her slim body easily slipping in between the bustling crowd. She was determined to not let him get away this time.
Footsteps approach -- your footsteps are heading straight towards me.
Kazemaru could hear the pattering of her footsteps on the staircase, followed by her pants. His heart was beating faster by each step, cold sweat starting to break out.
Those feelings, of wanting to walk close by your side, with those same feelings, you run towards me.
Once she'd reached the top, she immediately bent down, panting heavily. Kazemaru walked to her side, and observed the amount of sweat dripping off her, even if it was cold.
"Touko, are you oka-" He did not get to finish that senence as he was being slapped full force. His hand instinctively clutched his cheek, his eyes meeting the ones of an angry defender.
I deserve it.
"BAKAMARU! Did you know how worried I was!?" Her voice wavered as tears began to stream down her face.
"I'm sorry."
"You know, I thought that you wanted to end this, without you knowing how much I loved you." Her voice was choked up, then breaking into full blown sobs by then. So many emotions were welling up in him; guilt and happiness being the most.
He pulled her into a tight embrace, trying to calm her sobs. They stayed like that for a while, drowning out all of the chants.
10..
9..
8..
"Ne, ne, Touko, look at me." Touko looked up at him with tearful eyes as they parted momentarily.
7..
6..
"What is it?"
5..
4.
"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Just trust me." She did as she was told, closing them hesitantly.
3..
He was nervous, but he wanted to do it.
2..
He caressed her rosy cheek, noticing the little freckles he never knew existed. In the cold weather, her lips still remained moist, and Kazemaru thought it was lipbalm.
1..
He leaned in closer, their breaths touching.
0..
MERRY CHRISTMAS! The crowd cheered happily.
Finally, he closed the distance between them, crashing his lips on hers. Her lips were warm and soft, just like he thought it would've be. Touko was stunned at first, but reciprocated anyway. The kiss was soft yet gentle, like the soft lights of the illumination glowing behind them. After what seemed like forever, they pulled away, a slight tint to their cheeks.
"Merry Christmas, Touko." Kazemaru turned to her, giving her the brightest smile he'd ever smiled that night.