My first NCIS fanfic. I love Kate. I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Please review, I would really appreciate it.
"Classic Stockholm Syndrome. She formed an emotional attachment to her captor. It'll take her time, but she'll recover."
Her eyes flick down as she says it, knowing that she is talking more about herself than anyone. She hates DiNozzo for putting the idea of Stockholm in her head. She hadn't considered it until he had asked her about it, looking concerned.
"You can't identify with your captor in an hour," she'd told him. But the more she thought about it, the more confused she got.
She hadn't been able to stab him. She had told Gibbs it's because his eyes looked kind- and they had. But was that all there was to it? Perhaps, she told herself. She vowed to herself that she wouldn't allow Ari to get inside her head.
But after what happened at the barn she wasn't so sure she'd kept her promise to herself. When Bassam lunged at her, she was ashamed to admit she had looked to Ari for help. It had only been for a second and she had been immediately ashamed of herself for doing so. She knew better than to expect anything from the man who had orchestrated her kidnapping and shot members of their team. But in that moment she'd been largely defenseless and had instinctively looked to the person who could be the closest thing to an ally: Ari.
Was that all there was to it? The more she thought about it, the more confused she became. She has always been a goody-two-shoes. She'd been teased relentlessly for it by her brothers and praised for it by her parents. She'd gotten gold stars in school and always looked both ways before she crossed the street.
But she can't deny that because of her by-the-book nature that she sometimes gets a thrill from breaking the rules. Major Kerry had caressed a rebelliousness out of her and she gave in, even knowing that it was wrong. But it being wrong was what made it so much more exciting. It kept her going back for more.
Is that what is happening here? Is she mistaking Stockholm for what is actually a sense of misguided sexual attraction? She tries to imagine what Gibbs would say. He'd probably fire her on the spot. As much as she has tried to deny it to herself, Gibbs' opinion matters to her. She wants him to respect and trust her. It's the good girl side of herself coming out to play, but she can't deny that it's true. Imagining the look of disappointment in his eyes is painful.
"Kate?" she hears Tony ask. She looks up to see everyone turning and heading out of MTAC for the night. "You in there?"
"Yeah," she replies, turning to follow him out. She notes that he has an uncharacteristically serious look on his face but ignores it as they make their way back down to their desks. Gibbs has mysteriously disappeared in the way he does. McGee is ready to go and says goodnight to them as he passes by on his way to the elevator.
She is gathering her things and logging off her computer (she long ago learned not to leave her computer open to Tony's poking around) when she feels the burn of his gaze.
"What, Tony?" she asks harshly.
But he doesn't take the bait. "Are you alright?" He is still giving her that look and makes his way to lean back on her desk, looking down at her.
"I'm just ready to go home," she tells him. "Stressful case." But inside she is screaming to tell him what she is really thinking. She makes the mistake of looking up at him and their gazes lock. If he didn't know she was lying before, she knows he must now.
"It was," he confirms.
She resists the urge to roll her eyes. She knows exactly what he's doing: waiting her out in the hopes she will fill the silence. She wants to- so badly- confide in someone how she's been feeling about the terrorist, about her confusion. But she also knows that no one will understand and her fear of their reactions stops her. She's conflicted, and it shows on her face.
"Want to talk about it?" he continues.
"About what?" she fires back. He might know something is going on, but she's not going to make it easy for him. She notes that he pauses, not sure how to keep this going. They don't do this. They bicker, they banter, they want to strangle each other but they don't talk. Not about serious things.
He surprises her. "Stockholm syndrome?"
Her panicked eyes fly up to meet his. He can see that he's struck a nerve so there is no point in denying it. But she can't very well admit to it and spill her guts either, so she stands there paralyzed by indecision.
He puts a hand on her shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" he tries. She suddenly feels like she's about to cry and she flushes red in embarrassment. It's like all of the confusion and frustration of the past months are pushing to the surface at the same time and her throat burns with the effort of keeping it all down.
If Tony is surprised by her sudden surge of emotion, he doesn't show it. He squeezes her shoulder in a gesture of solidarity and she feels a surge of unexpected affection for him. For as much as he annoys her and invades her privacy, she knows that he genuinely cares about her, as she does for him. But she also knows that he wouldn't understand how she was feeling, and for that reason she can't tell him. Disappointment crushes her as a few tears escape her eyes.
She keeps her head down but moves closer to him. His arms come up around her as she moves to burrow into his chest. She shakes her head no, she can't talk about it. She won't allow herself the relief of talking about it, but she'll allow his comfort for a moment. She's trying desperately to get her emotions under control and takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down before she reaches the point of no return. After a few moments she pulls herself together enough to pull back from him.
"Sorry," she murmurs.
"Don't apologize," Tony immediately responds and it's such a comfortable, normal exchange that she can't help the small smile that makes its way to her lips.
She is unsure of what to do next but decides to continue to gather her things to go home. "Thanks, then," she responds instead.
He nods at her and she can tell he's unconvinced. But he stands up to his full height and starts to make his way to his desk. "When you want to talk about it, I promise not to judge," he tells her.
She bites her lip and nods, seriously considering his words. She wants to believe him, but she can't tonight. Instead she gives him a sad smile goodbye and makes her way down the stairs so that she won't be trapped in the elevator with him.
"It'll take her time, but she'll recover." She had said the words about Petty Officer Swain, but she secretly hopes for the recovery herself.