Serizawa Tamao

You said "I am fine" again, with a dried smile.

I asked again, "Are you sure?" with suspicious face. But you just turned your back to me and waved your hand.

"Come on, let's hit the road!"

I starred at your back. Your shirt was soaked with sweat. Well, it was summer, and very hot one too. I also, sweated a lot..

You were sick Tokio. Everyone knew that. Every time you went to control, I secretly went after you, and listened what your doctor is saying. Weird thing is, as much as doctor said that you are getting worse, your smile was getting bigger. Really, and I thought we were...you know.

You waved your hand again. "Come on! What are you waiting for! Let's go!"

Strange.. It was that time you know,when your doctor said that you needed operation immediately, or else you would die. It was a nightmare. It felt like someone punched my stomach with using all of his power. Even I couldn't cool down for a while. But you, thanked to the doctor, closed the door, and let out a sigh. Scratched your hair with your both hands and slapped your face. Waited for a while, then get out from a hospital with a stupid,big smile. I started to understand from your smile that your condition was getting worse, or getting better.

I smiled and walked to you. You handed me your helmet, I tried to refuse but you just didn't listen and pouted. So I had no choice.

"Where are we going?" I asked, but you didn't answer. I understand. It wasn't because you didn't care, it was just...you didn't know where were you going. Just wandering around. Trying to calm yourself.

I always wondered what it feels like , when someone tells you that you are going to die. Since there are too many examples, some of them crying, some of them accepting and doing weird things, what they always wanted to do. Like that guy, Watanabe in Ikiru. Anyway, There are things that you just can't understand unless you have it. I just accepted it like that.

But since this situation happened to Tokio, everything is changed. Now, everyday, everything was with one question; If I had heard I was going to die, what would I do?

We were riding, passing roads, buildings, people... we were just riding. Without caring about them. Then I realized, even if someone was same with Tokio now, I wouldn't care about it at all. Maybe someone's dearest dead today, but we are just living like nothing happened right? What if Tokio died today? And everyone would be still same?

Can I tolerate it? No way...it's impossible. I would kill anyone I see having fun. But my reason would be pointless, since if someone would kill me because of that... aah that's absurd.

"How' you feeling?" I asked with a loud voice, since bike was noisy enough.

You raised your eyebrows, "I'm cool. But you look like shit Tamao!" You said with a grin. I pinched your back. "Shut up fucker!"

Finally you stopped at some ramen shop. It was old looking, almost ruined store but obviously people liked this place, since it was full enough. There was an elementary school girl (i guess) bustling around and taking orders. She was cute.

"Tamao, are you hungry?"

I punched his arm. "Don't ask me after bringing me here idiot!"

You smirked. "That's the plan!" then pointed your brain. "Looks like I can still use this guy!"

I didn't laugh at that. I couldn't.

You went first, and bowed to an old man who looked like a monk. He smiled and welcomed you, I just looked around and acted like a newcomer of course. Smile politely and shut up.

"Give us a big special Minami! You said to cute elementary school girl. She nodded her head and said "Yorokonde!" with a cheerful and over much loud voice. Then ran to other tables again.

"Cute isn't she?" You asked with a smirk. "Yeah" I nodded. "Pretty much."

You chewed some snacks, "She is granddaughter of that monk old man."

So he was really a monk.

"You interested?"

"No."

"Hmm..."

For a minute none of us said anything, just looked around. Ramen shop was really old. There was a world war photos and also another black white photos I couldn't see clearly. But not just because of photos, Place was also,

"Say something!"

"I don't want to."

You knitted your brows. "Why not?"

"Because It can hurt you."

Your face looked really confused for a second, but loud elementary school girl Minami came in and gave us a really big special ramen. Your eyes sparkled and you instantly took your chopsticks, said "Itadakimasu" with big smile, Then dig in.

I was still at shock. I mean, it was truly a big bowl. I got my chopsticks and examined special bowl. I didn't know what should I ate first.

"Come on!" You said, "It's really delicious!"

I ate and it was really delicious. After that we didn't say anything, just ate. I thought it was impossible for me to finish but I actually did. You smiled with a satisfaction. "Told you!"

And then, we paid, you reported to monk old man that we were leaving, Minami waved from our back and said. "Come again!" With a loud voice.

"Aaah! I ate I ate!" You said with a satisfied sigh. "But this place is really best!"

"Yeah, it was really good."

"Oh by the way Tamao, what happened to that guy who wanted to fight with you?"

"Huh?" I said while searching for a lighter, and put a cigarette to my mouth. "Who?"

"You know that guy. What was his name?" You said and handed me your lighter. "Himekawa, Shirokawa?"

"Aah, Shimekawa. I just beat him up."

You laughed with a obvious joy. "Of course!"

You made me laugh too. "He just came and said Serizawa! Fight with me! It was hilarious! I just punched him, and he became a damn puppy. You should have seen that!"

"Yeah!" You laughed again. "I really wanted too!"

"But you had to see your doctor."

Your smile faded little. "Yeah..."

I waited for you to get angry at me. Waited for you to say, " I was laughing and I actually had forgotten that I was sick for a while. , then you just ruined it!" But you said nothing. Just starred at sky with a smoke in your hand.

"Tokio," I said "What did your doctor say to you?"

You shook your head. "Nothin', just I have to be careful, and I am getting better day by day-"

"I listened."

Your surprised eyes turned at me instantly. "What?"

I sighed. "I overheard your talking with your doctor."

Your expression remained shocked for a while, but then you just sighed. "So you know."

I threw my cigarette. "Let's go home Tokio."

"Why? I am not tired, I am okay!" You insisted.

"Not that."

I handed your helmet to you. "Because I want to have sex."

Your eyes got bigger and you shivered a bit. But you toke your helmet.

"Okay..."

On bike, I put my arms around your waist., you trembled.

...

"Ah! Tamao, I am soaked with sweat, let me take a shower first!"

I took off your shirt, and mine too.

"Why? it's me who takes it in ass."

Your face turned red in a second. I kissed your chin.

"What?, you don't want to enter me?"

"No! It's not that!" You said with obvious worry. Then your hands went to my waist.

"Then shut up!" I kissed him and my tongue went in, licked his mouth all over. His embarrassed tongue finally meet mine and, both of us were hard.

-Well, I actually thought a lot about this situation. Why the hell I was letting this guy's dick in my ass? Am I Homo? Or am I Masochist? I still couldn't find an answer though but there was a certain point; I was getting hard whenever I think about Tokio's death. Of course I didn't want him to dead. It was different, like he was falling down from a cliff, and I was trying to pull him up. But instead, he was taking me down with him. Kinda feels like that.-

My hands went to your lower part and unzipped your pants, went in and cared your hard cock, the hell, it was really big! I mean, it was really hard for me to get used to it. Shit!

You moaned little, then your hands went to my chest, fondled my nipples. It's not like I enjoyed it too much, but it made sense, for you to do that, since it was an old habit from girl sex, well, I don't have boobs though, just flat chest.

Even so, you were obviously enjoying with playing my flat chest, your breath fastened, and your lips went to my nipples. I was feeling good, your tongue was hot and made me shiver at first, it made you smile.

"So you enjoyed that?" I asked with an annoyed tone. Then stroked you harder. You shivered and your knees couldn't hold you any longer. You came, that was cute.

But you were obviously bothered by it, after gathering your strength, you got up immediately, grabbed me from my wrist , and pulled me to the bed.

"I won't let you do as you like!" You pushed me.

"Oh yeah?" I grabbed you from your neck, and kissed you roughly, your arms wrapped around me, then my hands went to your again hard cock.

"Youth is crazy isn't it?"

"Shut it..."

You were getting dirtier when you were having sex. I loved it. It was like something special for me, seeing that side of yours, your lustful but somehow bothered gaze, your dripping cock.

It's unbearable.

My mouth found your cock and my lips kissed it, then I started to lick. You were clearly enjoying that, but even so, you were trying to stop me with light punches to my back, saying "stop it!" endlessly.

"Come on, I'm gonna come!"

"Then do so,"

You pushed me hard, and spread my legs. "I will come inside you this time."

Really, this guy. If ever other guys knew that, I wonder what would they think of you?

Sometimes, words enough can make you come.

I trembled with your fingers inside me, it's always weird at first, but I was almost coming so I accepted it with a lustful moan.

"nnn...ah!"

"Whoa! What a voice..."

"Shut the fuck up bastard!"

You started to move, slowly first, getting faster, every thrust goes deep inside me, and it feels better. Your hands caressing my cheek, my neck, my nipples, your tongue is licking my mouth all over.

Call it Paradise.

Tatsukawa Tokio

Really, You just worry too much.

You know, I am not that weak. Maybe not strong as you are but I can get a hold of myself I think. And I am doin so.

The hell with your face? Your actions? Who are you? My mother? Just stop lookin at me like that! I beg you, stop worryin! Why you just give me a smile, or maybe a punch? It would make me happy more than everything.

I am not going to die Tamao.

How much! I want to tell you that with all of confidence. But I can't, even though I believe in it, I know you won't. And it really bothers me a lot.

Why the hell are we having sex every time? Cause you like me? Or you realized I love you? Are you doing this because you feel sorry for me?

I hate this!

But I love you...

With my thing inside of you, it is indeed a paradise, you are accepting me with your warmth. It makes me want to thrust deeper, I want to reach your every part, want to know all of you. You know what is it?

"Ah! Ah!nnnh!"

Your every moan is making me tremble, your every touch makes my body shiver.

Nobody knows this side of yours, this sight of yours, this pale, well trimmed body, shining with sweat, your nipples are changing to dark rose color, you are biting your lips, your breath is fastening, and your hands are clenching on sheets with every thrust.

Such an amazing sight.

How can I just not touch you?

But then, your eyes turns at me, and I can see it, your worried expression.

Damn it! You just...don't know how much it hurts!

"Toki...Tokio? What?..."

My body suddenly stopped. I just...couldn't move anymore.

"TOKIO?!"

You trembled with sudden fear, I can say you thought that my head hurt. Or something happened to my body.

You got up instantly and your hands grabbed my head. "Tokio! What happened? Oi! TOKIO!"

"Shut up!"

"What?"

I shook my head and released my head from your hands. "Stop it..."

"Stop what?" You asked with obviously confused expression.

"Don't just have sex with me because you feel sorry fo-"

In a second, I couldn't even see it coming.

You just punched me with all of your power?

Indeed, that was your punch. Incredibly strong, and gives to brain a good shake.

"You... fucking bastard! How dare you say such thing!"

You were angry, actually, it was my second time to see you in such an angry state.

"I don't give my ass to a guy just because I feel sorry for him you damn fucker! Am I a fucking whore?!"

I said nothing. Just watched you. I mean, It was beautiful. Since you learned that I was sick, you were always careful next to me. You didn't show such expression for a long time.

You shook your head, let out a sigh and scratched your neck.

"It went soft damn it..." you grabbed a cigarette, lit it and sigh again.

"I hate it...when you worry too much. I want to remain as we were before. Have fun, fight, eat, do crazy things..."

"And what if something happens to you?"

"That's it then..."

Your gaze turned at me. "That's it? That's it you say?"

Your trembling hands grabbed my neck. "So now is also okay, right? You can die with my hands."

"What are you saying, is this some kind of sex play?"

"Well, it's not a play..."

I starred into your eyes, you were obviously pretending, although you were acting like you are quite serious.

"Are you going to kill me in this room smells like after sex? Seriously, we didn't even finish yet!"

"Shut up asshole! I asked you a question, just answer it!" You rolled your eyes. "It's annoying..."

I watched you for a while, then sighed, placed my hands on your hands. "Tamao, it will be okay. I promise. And I don't want to die before cumming especially. What kind of dying way is that?Am I a fucking mantis?"

That made you laugh but you wanted to act serious, so you bite your upper lip.

"Ta-ma-o...Come on..." I moved towards to you. "Let me in?"

You shook your head. "You pervert ass..."

I smirked. "So what?"

Your hands again cared my face, my eyes, my nose, my lips, finally, your lips also touched my cheek, then roughly kissed my lips.

Of course, I made you unable to run away with clenching my arms around you, well, it wasn't like you tried to run away tough, it's just a precaution.

Again, I went in.

Your navel trembled bit, that was cute. I couldn't help but smile.

"What's that you smiling bastard?" Your voice has changed. Of course, it became sexy.

"Ah!Ah! Nnh..Wha?.."

I decided not to answer, just feel me will you?

I am moving, you are moving, our breathe is slowly getting in sync, you are biting your lips again.

"Stop it, let me hear your voice."

"You wouldn't want to hear a man's voice when you are almost coming believe me."

Well, I am very much aware that I am inside of a man.

I again, said nothing, just thrust deep inside of you, until you forget everything and only care about pleasure. There is no need to think you know, when you are having sex. Just enjoy, that's the thing.

"Ah! "Aaah! Nn!Ah!"

Your moans got stronger, and my thrusts are got faster, it was hot too so I sweat a lot, you were also, but yours were just like diamonds, making shine your pale body, making me more lustful.

"You are beautiful..."

"Shu...shut up!" you said with panting voice. You apparently didn't take it as a compliment but claptrap.

I wanted to be stronger than you. I couldn't tolerate It. Even tough I acted like I accepted your superior, it was whole different matter when it was sex, I tried to show you that I am strong, but of course, I couldn't. Since I got sick, I lost all my confidence and just gave up. But I really want to prove it to you, that I am also powerful. But not now. You won't believe me.

Yeah, I am the one who said you shouldn't think when you are having sex.

I shook away thoughts from my head and kissed you. You welcomed my lips with your tongue, and your hands grabbed my neck. Your body was trembling.

"Com..ah...i am coming!"

"Yeah" I licked my lips. "I am also..."

"Nnn...Ah! Ah!"

Coming at the same time was...well we couldn't. So I had to move few more after you came. But you already came to your senses of course, your almighty smile too. I wanted to come when your expression were lusty. Damn it...

We were about trying to catch our breathe. You pushed me from your top and lit a cigarette, opened the window.

"Fresh air " You inhaled, exhaled with a joy. "Definitely best with cigarette."

I threw the used condom in trash.

"Remember our first sex?"

"What?" I turned my confused gaze to your back.

You shook your head. "It was amazing! I can still remember that feeling, it makes me shiver."

"What is it now?" I asked with annoyed tone.

You turned your head back slightly. "I can't feel it now..."

"I mean.."You sighed. "It's just, we have too many worries now. I can't let it go, I am feeling like you might pass out at any moment. It scares me so i can't concentrate.

"So what do you want?"

"I don't kno-"

"What do you want to do?!"

You said nothing. Just wore your t shirt and pants, got your bag then went to the entrance.

"We will stop having sex until you get well."

"What?" I felt like something bited my heart suddenly, it hurt so much i couldn't stand it. My head also started to hurt.

"I don't want to stop, Tamao, why do you say that?"

"Can't you see we are not feeling it anymore, just having it because it became our rutine?"

"But you wanted to do it today?!"

"I wanted to make sure..."

I said nothing for a while. My brain couldn't take it anymore. It was already worn out enough.

"Tokio, it's just temporary. After your operation everything will-"

"What if it won't be a success? What if i die!?"

You suddenly turned back, grabbed my arm and pulled me to you.

"Tokio, now listen well...I don't know that option. Not at all. In my mind, you are having that operation, and saving your ass from all of this. And we are having sex like dogs again, without thinking anything. Get that?"

Your furious eyes met with mine. "You won't die."

What a selfish way of the think!? Inconsiderate, Impossible! Just who can think like this in such a situation?

But i guess i am also weird enough.

Since i believe you, when you are being sure something like this...

"Yeah, I won't die Tamao. And next time will let you come without any worry for sure."

You nod and tried to hide your smile.

Turned your back again,

"Also,we should work on comming in the same time..." you said, then left the room.

Door slammed loudly, and after that there was a deep silence, hot weather, and room smells after sex, slightly tobacco.

Altough i said something like that, now i lost all of my confidence again. Why the hell it happens i don't know but being alone is not for me.

I went to window and watched you to leave. You didn't look back. But i am sure you knew that i was there.

...

And now, we are here again.

In this room, weather is getting colder though. After three months, after my operation.

I can't believe you actually said "You are alive! I told you!" when you visited me in hospital. You were too loud seriously.

Later school, i went to my bike, handed you to helmet, and went to eat that ramen shop again. This time you were friendly, i guess you also liked the place. Monk old man rocks!

And we went to walk on the shore, it was cold and you were trembling a bit, so i gave you my coat, but you threw it back to me.

"Cut that stupid!"

"The hell! I was just being thoughtful!"

"Yeah suuure..."

I catched you from your back, and pulled you to me.

Chilly wind got stronger for a second, and made everywhere smell like sea, and your odor also filled my insides.

"Let's go home..." I said.

"Why?" You turned to me. "I am not cold! Serious-"

"Not that..."

Your objecting expression changed instantly, and your ears became red.

I handed you to your helmet. "Should i say the reason out of loud?"

You punched my arm. "No need asshole!"

"Haha! Yeah..." I laughed. "I love you Tamao..."

You rolled your eyes. "So fucking romantic..."

"Stop that! Seriously why you-"

"Me too..."

On the bike, a sea breeze winded up again, you clenched your arms to my back, trembled.