Short drabble. Written on my phone, so I apologize for any spelling errors or formatting issues.
There's a reason Agent Washington never takes his helmet off.
Before, in the Project, it had been a joke. The newest freelancer had been trying to maintain an air of professionalism, to show that he belonged in the elites. York, of course, had teased him mercilessly, trying to break through Wash's simple mask. So Wash kept his helmet on, just to spite York. It was fun. Funny. A running gag, even when Wash stopped trying to pretend he was anything but a young soldier thrust into the company of gods. Asshole gods, but still.
Yes. Things had been simpler then.
Then he became Recovery One. And he needed to keep his helmet on. He needed the physical barrier between himself and the bodies of his old friends. Needed his HUD to present him with his objectives. Needed the protection around his skull in case one of the disposals went wrong.
Needed something to hide his tears.
And then there was the Meta. That one was simple. He needed his helmet for the actual reason it was issued to him in the first place - to keep him from dying. To keep Maine's body (because it was just his body now, Maine died long ago) from shooting him through the head. Even if they were trying to work together.
Now, it's different. Sure, there are still plenty of people trying to kill him (he has accepted that particular constant in his life). And it's still a little bit of a joke among the reds and blues. And he still uses his HUD to help focus on the mission.
But now, there's Epsilon.
They call Epsilon 'Church' and treat him like the friend they once had. That him like the Alpha. Like the old lovable asshole. And he treats them the same, acting as though he had been there the whole time, acting as though he was their old friend and not just his memory fragment.
As though he hadn't killed himself inside of Washington's head.
Epsilon claims he remembers everything. Washington seriously doubts that.
How could he remember everything and still function?
How could he act so normal?
How could he not say he's sorry?
Washington hates himself for even thinking it. Epsilon was never responsible for what happened. It was the Director. It was always the Director. The man had harvested the Alpha's memories, Alpha's pain and heartbreak and insanity, and knowingly planted them in Wash's head.
The Epsilon Washington knew was broken. And the AI had shattered Wash's mind along the way. If Epsilon, new Epsilon, truly remembered everything, then how the hell did he treat Wash like just another freelancer? They had shared a fucking mind. And Epsilon had done a damn good job of tearing that mind to pieces before giving up and commiting suicide, leaving Washington screaming in agony over loss and hurt and betrayal that was not his own.
He will never let Epsilon back in his head. No matter how normal the AI appeared, no matter how well he seemed to work with Carolina or Tucker. No, Wash has worked too hard to try to put the pieces back together. Epsilon won't touch them again.
He knows Epsilon can "see" his heart rate jump whenever they interact. Knows Epsilon can "hear" the hesitation in his voice when he speaks. Knows that Epsilon understands that Wash isn't completely healed.
But he keeps his helmet on. Because the one thing that he will not, cannot let Epsilon see is his face.
Because no matter what, Wash can't control the anger and pain and guilt and loss and betrayal and the burning hatred that threatens to overwhelm him whenever he sees that fucking AI.
Because they are supposed to be a team, and he can't let his past get in the way. Epsilon certainly doesn't.
Because he cannot forgive and forget.
Because memory is the key. And Agent Washington sure as fuck remembers.