Simple Musings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Degrassi.

Author's note: I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you enjoy reading it. There should be a sequel up in a few days.

She is beautiful. Really beautiful. God, I hate myself for thinking that. I have a girlfriend. A good one. Hazel has been really great. I really care about her. And this is her best friend. But I can't help this. She's gorgeous.

She's with Ashley right now. Talking and laughing. She's just so full of spirit, full of everything. Why am I thinking like that? This is ridiculous. I've never liked Paige. I never hated her, but we've hardly been friends. First, I was her best friend's boyfriend, then, she was my best friend's girlfriend, now I'm her best friend's boyfriend again. We're friends by association. It's not like there's some deep bond between us. So why can't I stop thinking about her?

She used to be a total bitch. It sounds kind of mean, but I know I'm not the only one who ever thought that. Even when she was friends with Ashley, she totally got on my nerves. If someone had told me in grade 8 that I'd be thinking of Paige Michalcuk twenty-four/seven, I'd have said they were freaking nuts. I only put up with her because of Ashley. But now… I think that I could stare at her all day long.

Crap, she caught me staring. Our eyes met from across the room. I'd like to think we had some kind of moment, but I know we didn't. Any feelings between us are totally from my side. She's a good person. She's grown up a lot in the past couple of years. She's still got the bitch side, but she is less likely to pick on someone just for the fun of it. She actually cares now. She would never hurt any of her friends, especially not Hazel. I'm the jerk who's thinking about her in a way I totally should not be.

Here comes Hazel. Damn it. "Hey, Babe." I smile at her, hoping she hadn't noticed me lusting after her best friend.

"Hey." She leaned down and hugged me. "Are you having a good time?"

"Uh-huh. Yeah."

She smiles at me. "That's great. I knew a Christmas party would be a good idea."

"Yup. Good idea. Hey, uh. I think Marco wants to talk to you." I point across the room where Marco is waving furiously.

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes."

She walks away and I sigh in relief. God, I'm awful. I don't even want to talk to my girlfriend anymore. I just want to be lost in my own thoughts. In thoughts of another girl. I search the room again and find Paige. She's still talking to Ashley. I keep thinking these feelings will go away, but they won't. And I really don't want them to. I like thinking about Paige. I like remembering things she's said and how she smiles and how she does the things she does. And now I'm making myself sick.

Damn, she caught me again. I've got to be more careful. She's going to think I'm weird and despicable. And she wouldn't totally be wrong. Plus, other people are going to catch on. Despite how self-absorbed all my friends are, they aren't completely stupid. They'll notice eventually. And someone will blab to Hazel. I don't want to hurt her. We've been good together. I know she cares for me. I just want- I want- I want everything. I want to Hazel to be okay, and I want Paige. I want Paige to think about me like I think about her. I am an absolute bastard. A selfish bastard.

And she's gone. I look away and she's gone. Damn, damn, damn. Ashley's with Craig, making use of the mistletoe and Paige is gone. Nowhere to be found. There are very few things in life that give me pleasure and now I can't find one of them. This sucks. I'm literally surrounded by friends, yet there's no one in this room that I want to talk to. I'm the loneliest person in this whole place.

After brooding for awhile, I decide to get something to drink. I wheel myself out of the room and into the kitchen, bumping into the one person I could talk to all night long. "Hey, Paige."

She smiles that awesome smile of hers. "Hi. You having fun?"

"Oh, yeah. Great." I try to smile convincingly.

"You'll have to do better than that, Jimmy."

"What?"

"Please, hon. You're not having a good time. It's obvious."

"You think Hazel's noticed?"

"No, she's just so happy you're home."

"Good, I wouldn't want to hurt her."

"I'm sure." Paige looks a little uneasy. "So, I noticed that you were kind of staring at me earlier."

Crap! "God, I'm sorry. I wasn't making you uncomfortable, was I?"

"No, no." She ran her fingers through her long hair. "Not at all. I just- I mean-"

"Why was I staring at you?"

"Yeah."

I sigh and avoid her eyes. "It's nothing. No big deal. I just- You looked really pretty tonight." It's amazing how the half truth just spewed from my mouth. I mean, she does look pretty, but I've been staring at her for a long time before tonight.

She paused, but didn't say anything else about it. "Oh. Thanks."

"Yeah, well. You know you're gorgeous." I roll away from her and try to get a drink. The damn sodas are too far away from me to reach.

"Here, I'll get it." She comes over and tries to get me one, but I roll angrily away.

"Damn it, I just want to be able to do things for myself!"

I hear her sigh. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's fault. I-"

"You don't want everyone doing things for you. It makes sense."

"Still, you were just trying to help."

Paige walks around and stood in front of me. "How 'bout we make a deal? I won't help you anymore unless you ask me too."

I smile at her. "Sounds good to me."

"Well, I'm brilliant."

"Yeah, you are. You're amazing."

Surprise, surprise. I made the fabulous Paige blush. "Thanks."

"Too good for Spinner."

"Yeah, well, you're too good for him, too. I mean, as a friend."

"We both got bit in the ass by Spinner. But let's not talk about him. It's Christmas time. A time for happiness and all that crap."

Paige laughs and shakes her head. "You're on. Now, let's get back out there and party on."

"You got it." I motion in front of me. "You go first."

"Okay." I roll myself next to her and smile. I take a few seconds to just stare at her without anyone knowing about it.

"Well, well. Look at this." She's pointing upward and I look. "Mistletoe."

"You don't actually want to-"

"Hey, it's tradition. Can't break it. We'll have bad luck."

She leans down to kiss me. I'm thinking it's going to be a peck on the cheek, but it's not. She kisses me right on the lips. I can't help myself. I know I shouldn't but I cup her chin and rub her cheek. I'm practically breathless when she pulls away, but the kiss doesn't seem to have affected her at all.

"Wow, Hazel's a pretty lucky girl. I'll talk to you later, hon." She winks at me, and then walks away.

I'm practically in shock. I just kissed Paige Michalchuk. I wheel myself back to the party, thinking about that kiss. It was just mistletoe. That's what I keep telling myself. But it's not working. That was a good kiss. Man, after that kiss, I might be able to sit through this party after all.