A/N: The end scene of 'Misconceptions' was so heartbreaking I felt as if I needed to write down what must have been going through Mac's mind when he broke down on the steps of the Lewis' after telling them the body of their son had been found.
He was playing with fire. Fire that was threatening to destroy everything he cared about and everything who he was.
It was his own damn fault and he knew it.
But it wasn't as simple as intellectually knowing what he should have done and should be doing now because it felt hopeless and an impossibility. He should have told Christine months ago when he'd noticed he was having problems. But it wasn't as easy as that.
Years and years of shouldering and keeping his personal struggles to himself was an almost impossible habit to break. It had taken a while for Claire to break through to him, and once she was gone, he had slammed back closed and hadn't opened back up.
Part of it too, was fear. He'd been burned so many times that even though he desperately wanted to know and believe that Christine was different, he couldn't quite bring himself to trust that she would at least think significantly less of him if she knew.
He also hadn't figured on the deficit not resolving itself, and so as he continued to cover it up and lie about being fine, he knew he was simply digging himself a bigger hole for when it all came out. And as time passed and nothing improved, the gnawing fear grew and ate at him relentlessly. He honestly hadn't expected to go back to work and not be completely over it and he'd been living in nothing short of sheer desperation since he'd clipped his badge to his belt again.
He had half-toyed with the idea of confiding in Don and had gotten so far as to have his finger over the speed-dial for Don's number to ask him to go for drinks and tell him everything. But he'd always chickened out and shoved his phone back in his pocket, heart hammering in his ears.
And now it was essentially all out. And in the worst possible way.
He hadn't said anything for fear of losing his job, the trust of his colleagues, and the relationship he had with Christine.
And now it might all be gone anyway.
He couldn't even put into words the crushing weight of it all.
Part of him ached to call Christine and spill everything – every last detail, every misguided motive he'd given in to, unburden the fear that was eating him alive and beg for her forgiveness.
But he couldn't. Not after the horrendous way he'd treated her and flat out lied to her and kicked her out of his office. If she never answered his phone call again it was nothing more than what he deserved, let alone expecting any sympathy from her.
He lifted his head and wiped his eyes, an aching emptiness filling him. He wondered what he'd done to be constantly dealt the cards he was given and just how much the universe expected him endure. He just sat for a few seconds, staring straight ahead, completely drained and feeling utterly alone. It might be wrong, but all he wished was that Claire was by his side, and in that moment he missed her more than he had in a very long time.
He took a shaky breath and pushed himself to his feet. He slowly walked down the last few steps of the Lewis' house and headed numbly up the street. He had no idea and didn't care where he was going. There was no question or possibility of sleep for him tonight.