THE ADVENTURE OF THE FOURTH WALL FIEND

The 1940s….

Mystery writer Ellery Queen had called for three other people to pay attention to his dissertation on the identity of another killer. Police Inspector Richard Queen (Ellery's father) had been mysteriously murdered. In attendance now were Sergeant Velie (Inspector Queen's most loyal officer), Simon Brimmer (radio personality and frequent rival of Ellery's in attempting to solve murders before Ellery did) and Reporter Flanagan of a successful newspaper.

"Well, who was it, Maestro?" asked Sergeant Velie.

"Yeah, don't keep us in the dark, Junior," said Flanagan.

"It was you," said Ellery.

Yet he was not pointing at any of the people in the room. He was pointing straight out in front of him, while looking away from the others.

"Who?" asked Simon Brimmer.

Ellery continued pointing, apparently at something only he could see.

"It was you, the witness beyond the Fourth Wall; the silent observer whom I've been guiding and teaching with several clues, all throughout my other cases. You were using what I taught you, in order to accumulate enough knowledge to commit the perfect murder of my father. Put the cuffs on him, Velie."

"There's nobody there," said Velie.

Ellery took hold of the Sergeant and pulled him through the Fourth Wall. They found themselves looking back at a television screen. They could see into the room that they had just occupied. They could hear Brimmer and Flanagan talking.

"They just passed into nowhere and disappeared," said Flanagan.

"Nonsense. There's a logical explanation," said Brimmer.

Seated on an armchair in the same room as the television set was a man that Velie had never seen. Seeing Sergeant Velie and Ellery Queen emerge from the television screen, the man got up to flee.

"Grab him, Velie!" said Ellery.

The Sergeant was on top of the man, before he had reached the door.

"Alright, who are you?" asked Velie.

"My name is Ray Tingslumpe," said the man, "OK, so you got me. I did it."

"But how?" asked Velie.

"Once I knew that the killer was from beyond the Fourth Wall, I knew how he did it," said Ellery, "He reached through the Fourth Wall with a shotgun and put a bullet into Inspector Queen. That's why ballistics couldn't match the bullet to any known manufacturer in our city. The mystery I have not been able to solve is why you did it, Ray."

"I did it to change the formula of the show. You two think you're in the 1940s. Here it's 1975. Yet your show is written with the same formula driven routine for every episode. There's no character development. Ellery dates a different girl in each of the episodes where he even dates at all. He gets called out to help his father investigate one murder after another. Every case has a plethora of extra suspects who just happen to have motives too. Ellery solves the case, looks out and addresses me through the Fourth wall challenging me to solve it too and then outlines how the murder was done and by whom. The killer turns to run. Inspector Queen says the same line, 'Put the cuffs on him Velie' every episode. The Sergeant does so, and that's the end of the episode. It's been so painful to watch this every week. By knocking off Inspector Queen, I created a whole new dynamic for the show. You had to solve your own father's murder, and he couldn't end the episode with the same trite lines. You can't arrest me. Nobody here is going to care that I killed a TV character."

"But they will care in our world," said Ellery, "Let's take him through the Fourth Wall and lock him up, Velie."

The Sergeant was holding Ray Tingslumpe from behind in a headlock. Ray lifted his foot, turned it 90 degrees, unseen by Velie or Ellery. He slid the side of his foot down hard against Velie's shin and stomped on his foot. Taking advantage of the opportunity, he felt about with his fingers and poked at Velie's eye socket, forcing Velie to react to both attacks and release his grip. Ray pivoted his upper body backwards with his elbow, rotating on his feet as well, so that his elbow made contact with Velie's head.

The Sergeant staggered around, while Ray ran out of the room. Ellery went to Velie's assistance.

"You can't let him get away after what he did to your dad!" mumbled Velie.

"We've got a bigger problem," said Ellery, "Don't you see? The TV screen's changed to another program."

"How do we get back into our 1940s city?" asked Velie.

"That could be difficult. Don't you realise? Television's a fairly new concept in our time, but I researched it for a story I'm planning to write. They have television stations to screen the programs that are made. With Dad dead, our show would have been cancelled. We can't get back through the Fourth Wall into our program."

1980…

Mike Brady had come out of the closet and admitted that he had a sin problem, which the Bible clearly condemned as being contrary to God's design for relationships. He was gay and had married Carol in the 1960s to hide it.

"So that's why you were busy with three boys of your own," said Carol, heartbroken with cynicism.

"You know that's not true, Carol, but I have to leave my architect job and go to the science institute and learn everything I can to try to find a cure for my AIDS virus and for my tendencies," said Mike.

So, under an assumed name, Mike Brady began searching for the cures he needed.

A few months later, the great ship Galactica discovered earth. Commander Adama sent two of his best colonial warriors Dillon and Troy down to earth with some Galactican children. However, the children, not used to earth's atmosphere, were more susceptible to viruses. Several of the children caught a virus.

"Dillon, Dr Zee has transmitted the chemical formula for a cure to me. But we need to get to some sort of science or chemistry lab to mix it," said Troy.

As plot would have it, they made their way to the same science institute where Mike Brady's new alias was working. He was out buying his lunch at the time they arrived. Dillon and Troy snuck into his laboratory. Dillon went to work on a computer terminal, while Troy mixed the chemicals according to Dillon's extrapolation of Dr Zee's information.

"We've done it," said Troy, "A universal viral cure. The children are waiting outside. Let's go and administer this."

Troy and Dillon left with the formula in a sealed bottle and began serving samples to the infected children, who made speedy recoveries in only minutes. In the meantime Mike Brady's alias came back from lunch and noticed that they had left some complicated scientific calculations and notes on the screen of his computer. He called his secretary in.

"Was anyone else in here?" asked Mike.

"There were two men, but I sent them away until you returned."

"They must have snuck in. I've got to find them," said Mike, and looked out the window. He saw the children with Dillon and Troy out on the lawn. They were already starting to walk away.

"Was that them?" asked Mike, pointing to the two men.

"Yes, but they didn't bring any children in with them," said the secretary.

"I can't mix the formula, as I can't understand their notations, but if they could, I believe they have come up with a cure for all viruses, including AIDS," thought Mike, and ran out and followed the Galactica party until he saw them come to a field. He wondered what they were doing way out there.

Then one of the men pressed something and a space ship suddenly appeared. It must have been rendered temporarily invisible.

"We've just had another transmission from the Commander," said Dillon, "Councilman Zavier is planning to go back into the 1940s, the time of this planet's Second World War, and corrupt history by introducing Galactican technology way back then."

"We'll have to time travel back and stop him," said Troy, "Leave the children in one ship. Tell them to stay put and get some rest, especially the ones who were sick. We'll go back in the other."

Hiding behind a tree, Mike Brady couldn't believe his ears.

"I've got to go with them," he thought, and snuck into the Viper and stowed away in a most uncomfortable confined space, just before the ship took off.

"We have to undo every rotation of the earth since the early 1940s," said Troy, and the Viper began to circle the earth at hyper speed.

Soon, relatively speaking, the Viper landed on earth in the middle of World War Two. Mike Brady continued to follow them, but got separated from them, when they became involved in a conflict with Zavier and a group of invading Nazis. When they finally defeated the Nazis and set off to pursue Zavier back into 1980, Mike Brady was left behind.

He used all his knowledge of the future to become a criminal spy called the Falcon, and eventually came to the attention of General Blankenship and Steve Trevor and Diana Prince.

"The Falcon is infected by a virus that's previously unheard of," said Blankenship, "Anyone who tries to bring him in will be at risk."

Steve Trevor and Diana Prince volunteered to go after the Falcon, and became separated in the field. Diana changed to Wonder Woman and captured the Falcon. As Mike Brady, he had deteriorated much more, because of his AIDS virus infection. Wonder Woman put her magic lasso around him.

"You must tell me the truth," said Diana, "What is your real name, and how did you become infected."

"I come from the future. In the year 1980 I realised I had the AIDS virus and sought a cure. I stowed away on a time travel space ship, in the hopes of getting hold of a cure perfected by its owners. I got left behind, and without the cure. Everything I've done has been to accumulate enough money to continue my research. I'm dying from a virus that won't begin to manifest in society for decades from now. My real name is Mike Brady. My significantly younger self is alive somewhere in this time too."

Leaving him bound by her magic lasso and seated in her invisible plane, commanded not to move, Wonder Woman changed back to Diana Prince, accessed records and found that there was indeed a lad named Michael Brady alive in that time. She could not allow the 1980 Mike Brady to meet his younger self in his past.

Wonder Woman took Mike Brady to Paradise Island.

"Daughter, have you not considered the consequences?" asked Wonder Woman's mother Queen Hypolyta, "You not only brought a man to Paradise Island, but one who claims to be suffering from a fatal disease brought about by … certain interaction with other men!"

"Steve Trevor was on our island once and we helped him. That's how I became Wonder Woman," said Wonder Woman, "Besides that, by acting like feminists and living alone without men, we've probably contributed to their temptations to turn to each other. We have to use our Amazon Purple Healing Ray to cure him of this deadly virus. Then I will do everything I can to work out how to get him back to his own time."

The Queen reluctantly saw reason and allowed her daughter to cure Mike Brady not only of AIDS but of his tendencies too. Suddenly all Mike could talk about was the timeless ageless beauty of his lovely wife Carol. He begged Wonder Woman to find a way to get him back to 1980. Yet Wonder Woman had no power to travel in time, not even with her invisible plane.

1975…

"What are we gonna do, Maestro?" asked Velie.

"I seem to have the ability to travel through the Fourth Wall. What we need to do is research all recent editions of this magazine on the killer's table," said Ellery Queen, pointing to the TV guide, "This will tell us all television programs airing in 1975. Then we have to find one that is set in the 1940s, as close to 1945 as possible. Then I can take us through the Fourth Wall and back to our own time."

After several days of research, mainly by looking through discarded TV guides in Ray Tingslumpe's trash, Ellery Queen had found what he wanted.

"Alright Velie, we've got two chances. I've found two programs made in 1975 that are set in the 1940s. The first is a movie called 'Farewell my Lovely'. The other is a television series called 'Wonder Woman'. The next episode of 'Wonder Woman' is due to be screened before the cinema's next screening of 'Farewell my Lovely'. I don't even know for sure that my unique ability to access the Fourth Wall will work with a cinema screen. Let's try to go to Wonder Woman's time," said Ellery.

He did not know that there were a few other people who had been able to access the Fourth Wall over the decades. Simon Templar had done it in the 1960s, but only during the opening scenes of the black-and-white episodes of his show 'The Saint'. Rod Serling had done it a few minutes into each episode of 'The Twilight Zone'. Ironically, Philip Marlowe had also done it during the black-and-white movie 'Lady in the Lake'.

Velie and Ellery made sure they were watching Ray's television when the next episode of Wonder Woman went to air. It was called 'The Pluto File'. They saw Wonder Woman taking the healed Mike Brady back from Paradise Island to Washington. Just after the invisible plane landed, Ellery took hold of Sergeant Velie and they both stepped through and met Wonder Woman and Mike Brady.

"Where did you two come from?" asked Wonder Woman.

"Through the Fourth Wall, from 1975," said Ellery, and explained.

It was a long story.

"1975 is as close to 1980 as I might ever get," said Mike Brady, "You've got to take me with you."

"You can't meet your younger self even then," said Wonder Woman, "He may be only five years younger than you, but you'd still cause a terrible time paradox."

"I could avoid him for five years and then pick up in my regular timeline. I'll be five years older, but Carol won't know if I change my hairstyle dramatically and make it long and curly. She'll be too stunned by that to see that I've aged five years," said Mike Brady.

Wonder Woman and Ellery Queen agreed, and the other three took hold of Ellery and all stepped through the Fourth Wall into 1975. Mike Brady gave his word not to corrupt his own timeline and said goodbye. The Carol Brady of five years later would be so glad to know that he was not only cured of AIDS but that he now loved her deeply.

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Sergeant Velie and Ellery Queen were talking about Ellery's problem.

"You don't really want to come back to my time," said Wonder Woman, "It's a few years earlier, and you'd meet your younger selves too, if you don't die in the war. Perhaps the best thing to do is try that movie you told me about. Wonder Woman remained in 1975, and returned to Paradise Island, explaining to her mother what had happened. A year later, Steve Trevor's son Steve Trevor Junior led a mission which took him close to Paradise Island. Wonder Woman learned of this and joined the modern IADC organisation led by Joe Atkinson and Steve Trevor Junior as Diana Prince, after her mother hypnotized Steve into accepting her without question. Wonder Woman now started a new series of adventures in the late 1970s, which appeared on television beyond the Fourth Wall too. About half way through the first year of the modern adventures, the actress started playing herself, modern wise cracking feminist, instead of continuing to play the sweet innocent culturally different Amazon who only masqueraded as Diana Prince. Eventually, as Steve Trevor Junior devolved from an action man of the field into a deskbound target for the computer IRAC's jokes, the ratings dropped off and the show was cancelled.

1975…

Philip Marlowe had just finished solving the mystery of the mountainous Moose Malloy, and was sitting in his bathtub talking to himself.

"It was a dark night in the city. I had just finished making some cohesive plot of what seemed like three short story adventures cannibalized by their own author into one novel length mystery, when I realised that it was dark. I was a good guy who so far hadn't got the girl. I had no wife to warm my bed. So I decided to turn on the tap and warm my bath…"

Suddenly two men appeared in his bathroom.

"This is why I'm giving up the Scotch," said Philip Marlowe.

"It's OK. You're not seeing things. We're real," said Velie, "You tell him how it works, Maestro."

"It's like this," said Ellery Queen and explained.

"Makes me wonder who's listening through that Fourth Wall when I'm talking to myself about my old cases," said Marlowe.

"Say Marlowe, I know you're a Private Dick, but this is just a thought from a humble Police Sergeant," said Velie, "Has it occurred to you to reach for a bathrobe in the last few minutes.

It suddenly occurred to Philip Marlowe to reach for a bathrobe.

"I think this is close enough to my own time. I'm going to stay here," said Velie.

"I seem to be left with not much at the end of my cases," said Philip Marlowe, "Is there any chance you could take me into the future? It might be more interesting. Velie can have my old place until he's sure he won't bump into himself, so to speak."

"Sure," said Ellery.

1978…

Ellery Queen and Philip Marlowe stepped through the Fourth Wall into a room where the 1975 movie 'Farewell my Lovely' was being rerun on television. After startling the occupants of the room, Ellery left Philip Marlowe to set up a new Private Eye office. In no time at all he was off to England to help General Sternwood deal with a blackmailer and subsequently investigate the disappearance of Rusty Regan in a 1978 case that Marlowe would later refer to as 'The Big Sleep'.

"Somehow it reminded me of a case I took on back in the 1940s," thought Marlowe.

Ellery had made friends with the owner of the television set, who usually watched shows that were only a few years old and set in their own times. Ellery eventually stepped through the Fourth Wall one more time and arrived in 1971. To his surprise, he learned that his Uncle, though quite elderly, had become the new Police Inspector Queen. Ellery dyed his hair grey and had plastic surgery to make himself look a little older, rather than explain his absence for 2 ½ decades to his uncle. Ellery helped the new Inspector Queen solve one last mystery, as he silently looked behind his Uncle at the Fourth Wall that only he could see.

"Don't look behind you, Uncle, don't look behind you," he thought.

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