B i r t h d a y P r e s e n t o f D o o m

By Wallibe

Edward paced in circles around the worn soft leather couch, touching his chin in thought every once in a while when he stopped. You see, he and Al's father was having his 783 birthday soon(1), and Alphonse wouldn't quit bugging him until he bought their dad a present…

"Brother, buy dad a present!" "He's your father, brother, and you won't even buy him a present! How rude!" "My, you're defiantly not a family man!" "PLEASEEEEE!"

It began to piss Ed off, so he just agreed:

"FINE. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP."

And now, after two days without food or water, just thinking, Ed still couldn't think of anything his dad would want. He let out an exhausted sigh, finally falling back onto the couch. Taking the remote, he turned the television on. The commercials were playing.

"…"

A wicked smirk came over Ed's face as he grabbed the phone and quickly dialed the number shown on the T.V, eyes gleaming with pure evil.

Night of the party

For such an old guy, he sure had a lot of friends. The manor Hoenheim had rented for the party was huge, and FILLED with people. Who would've guessed?

Everyone was here, hell, even Envy was here. And it looked like he was having a good time, too; judging by the look on his face as fangirls swarmed him and began to rip off his clothing. (?)

Hours and minutes quickly ticked by, everyone having a good time. All except for Edward…he was still mentally choking on laughter as he schemed his evil plan.

Finally, it was time to open presents. Edward smirked. Great.

First came Alphonse's present. It was actually, for once, not quite obvious about what it was.

"YAYYYYY PRESENTSSS!" Hoenheim sang like a little girl. Everyone looked at him.

He coughed. "Sorry."

Ripping apart the neatly wrapped blue wrapping paper of Al's gift, Hoenheim tore off the tape holding the box together.

"…A dead kitten?" Hoenheim looked surprised. Alphonse laughed.

"No, silly, it's just a regular kitten! See-" then it suddenly hit Alphonse that he had forgotten to poke air holes in the box after wrapping it. Breaking out in tears, he screamed bloody murder and ran off into the nearby woods. He was never seen again.

Edward, Hoenheim, and the rest of the crowd looked saddened for a moment. Then they all shrugged, returning back to the best part of the birthday – opening presents!

Present after present Hoenheim opened, some great gifts, other…unusual.

The last present unopened was Edward's. Hoenheim took it into his hands, examining it.

"You know, Ed, I would've never thought you'd actually come here…nonetheless, buy me a present!" he let out a chuckle.

"Yeah, well…whatever." Edward looked annoyed at how his father was prolonging the opening of his present.

Hastily tearing apart the wrapping, Hoenheim had a dumbfounded look on his face.

"…'Life Alert'? Edward…" Hoenheim looked pissed as everyone began to laugh. Edward's present was just so great!

Edward saw the look in his fathers' eyes, then began to laugh in such a maniacal form even Envy was in shock. He then did the chicken dance, then the Pepto-Bismol dance, finishing off with the Six Flags dance before also running off. He kicked little children on his way out, making them cry.

Hoenheim looked at his present again.

"…Oh! I get it now!" he said with a lighthearted laugh.

"That's right…I'm old."

1 – Who the hell knows how old that guy is! .

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yes, that was completely pointless and random. But I hoped you guys liked it! I was inspired by watching late night T.V., then seeing the Life Alert commercial.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of it's character, and I do not own Life Alert. I put this at the end, since it would spoil the whole story for you guys it I put it at the beginning. :3