Okay, this was super fun to write. There are some spoilers in here for episode 15 (unless they change it). This is my interpretation of Brad Falchuk's tweet about the episode. Basically Holly Holliday takes it upon herself to fix Brittana. And yes, I do reference Skins at one point. Enjoy!
"...and so at that point you know for sure that it's stuck in there and so you should go to the hospital, no matter how embarrassing it is."
The class sat, slightly horrified. The kids weren't used to Sex-Ed being so detailed. Holly Holliday gave them a moment to digest that information and then went to erase the crude diagram she had drawn on the chalkboard.
"Alright so that's all I know about sex so I guess you guys can go to lunch early. Oh and take some condoms, they're flavoured!"
She thrust the plastic container of condoms at the students as they filed out of the room. When she was asked to substitute for the Sex-Ed class she had jumped at the chance to impart her knowledge with the bright minds of tomorrow. She wasn't like their regular teachers, terrified at the thought of saying the word "sex", or god forbid "orgasm" in front of their students. Holly liked to think that she presented the whole subject in an accessible manner that emphasised what they could do to keep themselves safe from unwanted pregnancy and STIs. Knowing that she could help the kids from getting Chlamydia or whatever else is floating around these days made the job worthwhile. She was giving this whole "responsible adult" thing a try and figured that this was a good start. But that was not the only way she could help these kids.
"Santana, could you wait up a moment? I'd like to speak with you."
The girl in question grimaced. She didn't particularly like being singled out by a teacher in front of her classmates right after a Sex-Ed class. People might get very wrong ideas about her (or quite right ones depending). She dragged herself to the front of the class and looked pointedly at the blonde. Holly waited until the last student was out the door to start speaking.
"So, I've been hearing things through the grapevine. It seems as though you've been pretty busy lately. In the boy department, I mean."
"I do well for myself, I don't see why I should be ashamed of that," Santana replied defensively.
"I'm just questioning your motives. If you ask me, you're acting out, it's very obvious."
"You have no idea what you're talking about blondie," Santana snapped.
"You kids like to think that we teachers don't know what's going on in your little social circles. Now maybe other teachers like to pretend they know nothing, but I'm not like that. I like to know things. Like if Cory Thompson and Emily Walker broke up last week I know not to partner them together for a project, especially if Cory's been spreading some hateful rumours about different people Emily's gotten to know pretty well," Holly explained, a hand confidently placed on her hip.
"Aren't you supposed to be some kind of example for us or something? I hope I don't care that much about teen gossip when I'm as old as you."
"So what I've been hearing about you is that you've been stirring up trouble lately. And not your usual brand either. To start off, last term you told Artie something that made him break up with your best friend. A friend that you just so happen to be very touchy-feely with..."
"Don't make assumptions. You know nothing about me and Britta-"
"And then when they get back together all of a sudden you focus your attentions on breaking up Finchel-"
"I find it disgusting that you're calling them that."
"I'm hip with the glee club's portmanteaus, heck me and Will even have one already, it's Hollister," the blonde said, obviously delighted with the honour of having a portmanteau.
"Oh great, you're a brand, so clever. Anyway I need to be on my way."
Santana really did not like where the conversation was going and so took a couple of tentative steps towards the door, hoping the substitute wouldn't stop her. No such luck.
"Nope, you're not off the hook quite yet. As I was saying, you helped their break-up along and made some passes at Finn but as soon as he seemed receptive to them you backed off. What is it you cheerleaders say 'Teasing without the pleasing'?"
Santana snorted.
"As if, that's Quinn's thing, she's some kind of born-again virgin now. I've just seen Finn's limited abilities first hand and trust me the pleasing would be severely one-sided. I just wanted to get under Berry's skin for being a bitch to me just because I didn't have a boyfriend."
Holly smirked at that.
"Right. And then you decided to go after your other friend's boyfriend, Sam."
"Ex-friend. What? Didn't anyone you interviewed for your weird obsession with me tell you that she got me demoted to the bottom of the pyramid? She deserved it. Plus Sam is super-fine."
"Uh yeah she got you demoted but it took you this long to retaliate? Either you're off on your game or there's another reason you did it. And speaking of game, I heard that you said Sam had none."
"What? Do you have cameras set up everywhere or something? Am I being taped right now?" Santana's head whipped around the room, suspicious.
"All I'll say is that Lauren Zises certainly delivers for that carton of Cadbury eggs. Anyway, I don't think you actually want him either. I think you're just distracting yourself by causing some major drama."
Santana rolled her eyes for the umpteenth time since starting this stupid little tête-à-tête.
"Dare I ask what you think I'm distracting myself from, besides Berry's terrible wardrobe."
And that was the wrong thing to say because she just walked into Holly's trap.
"Well you should know exactly what I'm talking about. You're distracting yourself from Brittany."
Santana flinched at her best friend (with benefits)'s name but recovered enough to play it cool.
"Me and Brittz are doing just fine, ask anyone."
Holly laughed humourlessly.
"Oh trust me, I did ask and it doesn't seem as though you two are quite so close since Artie came into the picture."
Santana glared at her but stayed silent.
"Yeah, can't really deny it, can you? So my hypothesis on you is that you were causing all this trouble at first because you didn't want to have to think about how your best friend was with Artie and not you."
"No! You-"
Holly cut her denial short.
"And now that Artie and Brittany have broken up you're just trying to distract yourself from the fact that you want to ask her to be your girlfriend before anyone beats you to it again. Or maybe you're just trying to forget how relieved you are that she's not kissing someone else anymore."
Santana seriously wanted to punch the smug look off of Holly's face. She would have if the woman wasn't a teacher (substitute, but still) and if what she was saying wasn't true.
"Look, whatever you've heard, I don't do relationships, especially with girls. Because I am not gay. Britt and I just have an understanding. I mean come on straight girls hook up all the time nowadays, Katy Perry even sang that song about it."
Even to Santana's own ears the desperation behind her rationalisation was obvious.
"Oh yeah, I've gone down that road myself once or twice," she ignored Santana's interjection of "gross" and continued "But I have the feeling you two do a lot more than just kiss to get guys' attention. Do you do that with any of your other friends? Should I be asking Quinn?"
Santana made a gagging noise, terribly disgusted by the notion.
"She wishes! No, there's no one else, just Brittany... but we're best friends and nothing else," the brunette said sternly.
"Oh, okay then. Sorry, I guess I was wrong about you two. It just seemed like she liked you a lot, but I see how it is. In that case I should set her up with Sam, after all it seems like he has a thing for blondes."
Before she could stop herself, Santana yelled out "No!", which, of course was exactly the reaction Holly had been looking for. The blonde lifted her eyebrow as if daring the girl to deny her feelings any further. Santana wondered if she could get in trouble for ordering a mass slushie attack on a teacher.
She probably couldn't get away with it.
She opted to angrily look out the window instead. That would show her.
Holly sighed and decided to soften her tone.
"Santana, I'm not trying to antagonise you, I just want you to be honest with yourself. I think you need someone to want you. Well... she does want you. So be brave and want her back."
Santana whipped her face forward and looked incredulously at the teacher.
"You stole that from season three of Skins. Don't try to teach me a lesson using recycled lines!" she accused.
The cocky smirk was back on Holly's face.
"And how would you know that? Do you make a habit of memorising lines from random British TV shows featuring two high school girls in a relationship with each other?"
Santana blushed furiously.
"I guess you would if you were a high school girl confused about your sexuality and in love with your best friend," the blonde said thoughtfully.
The Latina clenched her jaw and relented.
"Alright, so maybe I like her and she likes me back or whatever. It doesn't mean I can date her. Kissing a girl and messing around with her is hot, but as soon as it seems like you're going down monogamy way straight to lezzyville people stop thinking you're hot and then you get treated like trash."
"And you would really let them do that to you? I would have thought that Santana Lopez would put up a fight. Come on, you and Brittany are two of the top bitches in school. If someone tries to say anything about you two I'm sure you have a whole list of things you could do to get them to back off and respect you. Actually, one of the cheerios did show me that list you guys have to keep the social order and I would say anything but number twelve, because trust me the hair does not grow back."
Santana felt a bit emboldened by the reminder of how badass she was. Maybe this could work.
"You think me and Britt can do this? I don't even know what would change if we did start dating."
Holly shrugged.
"Nothing really has to change. Half the students I polled thought you were dating already, you even have your own couple name, Santitany." The blonde practically chirped the name.
Santana wrinkled her nose in distaste.
"...is that because I got the boob job?"
"Just kidding, it's Brittana, although I think the other one has a little je ne sais quoi." Holly was subbing for French this week too.
"Well that one at least doesn't make me want to puke. It's much better than Finchel... or Hollister."
"That's a matter of opinion. So... what are you going to do now?"
"Go find Brittany," the Latina said, nodding.
Holly smiled warmly, happy that she was able to help.
"Good. Now take this."
The blonde passed over a small package to the girl.
"... A dental dam," she stated, as though unable to believe this was happening to her.
"Hey, be grateful, those are expensive. And go get tested! Maybe that can be your first date with Brittany."
"Uh yeah whatever. Um so thanks or something... About the whole Brittany thing, not for the dental dam. Even though you're creepily well-informed about your students, you're kind of cool."
Holly smiled at her and shooed her out the door. The girl practically sprinted out of the room to find her friend (soon to be girlfriend?). Holly picked up the folder on the desk behind her and drew a page from within it. It was entitled "Things to do at McKinley". The blonde took up her pen and went down the list until she found the line that said "Make sure Brittana is on." She crossed the line out with a sense of smug satisfaction. Brittana was always on. She looked to the next item on the list -"Taste Emma Pillsbury's cherry chapstick" –and started planning.
Santana burst into the cafeteria with a sense of purpose. She scanned the crowd and found her target sitting with some of the glee club at a table in the center of the room. The peons leapt out of her way, reinforcing the fact that she ruled this school and wouldn't be messed with, as she strode to the table. Once she got to the table she stood there silently for a bit trying to prepare herself to say what she had to say. She probably should have done that part before striding over because she was getting some stares. The blonde girl was facing the other way, chatting animatedly to Quinn about something (Santana thought she heard the word "alpaca" thrown around, but she couldn't be sure). The club looked at her confused, some with slight alarm and Santana wondered if she looked angry or something.
Finally Brittany turned around and locked those gorgeous blue eyes with her own. Shit, this was hard. Feelings are hard.
"San?" She asked, a little concerned at her silence.
She was Santana Fucking Lopez. She could do this.
"Brittany! I love you, I want to make lady babies with you and sing totally gay duets. Be my girlfriend," she said quickly, like she was ripping a band-aid off.
Half the club's jaws hit the table in surprise. Quinn looked mildly amused. Rachel nodded her head, as though she had known this would come to pass, she would probably cite her "sixth sense". Artie looked pissed, as he should because now there was no way that he was going to get Brittany back, Santana though arrogantly. That was if Brittany still wanted her. Damn, what if she didn't want her sweet lady kisses anymore? Maybe she shouldn't have dropped the L word.
But when she looked back to Brittany she saw that she had no need to worry. The blonde was smiling ear-to-ear in a way that made Santana's face heat up and smile right back. Brittany stood up and made her way over to Santana almost shyly. She looked like she was going to say something but instead she tugged the brunette by the front of her uniform into a searing kiss.
Then there was pandemonium.
Raucous cheering, catcalls, and whistles rent the air. But screw all that noise. Brittany was kissing her and it was amazing. What was even more amazing was hearing the girl give her a breathless "Yes" when they finally drew apart.
Triumphantly, she turned to address the rest of the cafeteria, making sure to keep one arm drawn around her girlfriend's waist.
"You hear that? Brittany's my super-hot girlfriend now and if I catch anyone trying anything with her or talking shit about us I'll make sure you practically live in the dumpsters for the rest of the year."
She glared at the now silent room, daring them to say anything.
"Good, glad that's understood. Now you can all go back to shovelling food into your faces."
Brittany and Santana rejoined the group at the table. The blonde stared at Santana adoringly as the Latina took her hand. A smile played upon Quinn's face as she looked at them.
"Finally," she said under her breath.
She guessed that telling Miss Holliday all those things about her friends had paid off. She just hoped that the teacher hadn't told Santana that the head cheerleader was an accessory to this development. After all, Santana had gone after Sam and Quinn didn't want her thinking that she forgave her for that quite yet. But still, seeing her friends this happy made it worthwhile.
And so things changed for the girls... well actually not really, they stayed about the same. They were still linking pinkies, sharing sweet lady kisses, and generally being all over each other, except now Santana had a penchant for proclaiming loudly that Brittany was her girlfriend (Brittany loved it). And she never again compared herself to a reptile in an effort to justify having sex with the blonde. Because there were plenty of reasons why she would want to sleep with her besides the aid in the digestion of her food. First, because Brittany was super fine. And second, because Santana loved her even more than she loved herself, and that was a lot. There were other reasons but they didn't really matter.