Disclaimer- I do not own the rights of the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.
Midnight Sun- Edward's Story
Chapter Two- Anxiety
Speeding down the road, I pushed the gas down even more, accelerating from ninety to one hundred and fifteen miles per hour. The wind and rain blew through the open window exponentially--though it did not phase me as my flesh was hard and cold anyway.
My grip tightened around the steering wheel. Not hard enough to reduce it to dust, but enough for my own hands to create dents themselves.
I still hadn't decided my next course of action. If I would go to my father? Or to the Swan girls home? The monster within me gnashed its teeth and urged me to go with the second option. To stalk her in the shadows outside her house and prey upon her.
It would be so easy.
How hard would it be even if I knocked on her door and asked to come in? I knew she wouldn't deny my entry, despite my behavior towards her today. She probably still would have me come in even if I didn't charm her with my eyes and entice her with my scent.
It would also be very easy to jump through her window and take her. The monster inside approved of that way, cheered. Taking her by surprise, a loud distraction, would be very good, indeed. Her heart rate would accelerate and the fear that would course through her body would sweeten the blood.
It would be so easy. Sinking my teeth into her soft, translucent neck and tasting her sweet blood.
The task would only take mere seconds. It would be so fast it would hardly phase her.
However, the images of the red eyed monster of my past flashed before my eyes from Alice's vision. Cringing away from it, I knew I must not become like that again.
Jerking to a stop at an intersection, I impatiently waited for a old sedan to drive sluggishly through. Wind blowing, a gust of it blew through the open window and into the car. Stiffening in place, my hands gripped even tighter on the steering wheel, and I stopped the flow of oxygen in my lungs.
The scent. The incredibly evil scent tempting me to no end had entered my car in a taunting way.
Bella had no doubt drove by mere seconds before I sped to a stop.
The monster in my chest roared in triumph and urged me to track this prey. Glaring vehemently, I moved my head to the left, in the direction of the indescribable scent. The monster inside pushed me even further.
Growling in frustration, I damned that creature to the greatest depths of Hell! But yet as the scent dissipated and my non-breathing pushed the monster back down, I knew that wasn't fair to the new girl. Swallowing the venom that overflowed in my mouth, I forced myself to think her name…
Isabella.
In truth I did not hate her, I hated myself. Hated my weakness.
Pushing my foot on the gas pedal, I accelerated. Glaring more fiercely, I roared in defiance, pushing my speed up to one hundred and ten miles per hour. I pushed the Volvo even further to one-twenty.
Had God finally punished me for being one of the damned? An immortal? Did he send that girl to be my downfall? No. I didn't believe that. Maybe the Devil sent a demon to earth to tempt me? Just like how he tempted Eve with the forbidden fruit. Tempting me even further from God?
But how could that be? Wasn't I already further from God than possible?
I was finally hitting my downfall. The end of my existence. Every millisecond I fought my control. I fought my way to not just turn around and race my way to Bella's house. But the very thought sent waves of guilt through me--for I knew, despite my waves of rage, that she was just an innocent girl. A girl with a family, as Alice said. A father whom I saw on occasion in this small town. I could not take Chief Swan's only family away from him.
I must not do that! I could not do that!
Growling in rage at my weakness, my fists tightened even more. I knew, if I wasn't so pale already, my knuckles would be a bleached white in tension.
Oh, how I loathed that girl!
Shaking my head violently, gritting my teeth, I tried to convince myself that I didn't hate her. However how could I not hate her for almost becoming my fall from grace?
I've done some pretty horrific things in all of my one hundred and four years. Especially in the years I spent away from Carlisle. But even then I only preyed upon the evil. The murderers and rapists who preyed upon innocent people.
Innocent girls like--gulp--Bella Swan.
That's what made this different, though. Bella was a good person, innocent. I didn't need to read her thoughts to know that.
The monster in me still roared. Urging me to just turn around and take all of her…to defile her. However I was already in the hospital parking lot, sliding evenly into an open space.
Escaping the small car, I ran to the emergency doors. Less fast than what I could run, but still to fast for a human.
No one saw, thank God.
Entering the hospital, I made my breathing stop, because of all the aforementioned blood laying around. I knew my control was way less then par.
Making my way through the corridors, swiftly, I came upon Carlisle's office.
Knocking, a low, serene voice replied, "Come in." His thoughts betrayed his calm façade, That's Edward…Alice called and said he was coming…I'm glad he choose to come, she did mention he might not…she was so unclear it was highly unnerving…
Blocking out his thoughts in irritation, I opened the office door and secured it behind me. Fists tightening at my sides, I declared through gritted teeth, "I need to leave right now and I need your car."
"What's wrong, Edward?" Carlisle demanded, standing and suddenly appearing before me. "Why are you leaving, son?"
"I-I can't explain…I just need your car. I know it has a full tank of gas…I need it." My hand flew out, striking the air down, like I was reprimanding a five year old rather than my father.
Tell me what happened, Carlisle demanded in thought, breaking through my mind.
Darkly chuckling, I elusively said, "My judgment has been deeply impaired."
What do you mean, Edward? Carlisle asked silently, reaching out a hand that I narrowly avoided.
I couldn't be touched right now. I was dirty, tainted.
Crossing the room in less than a second, my back turned to him, as I looked out the window to the dreary, wet day. More gray saturated the day every minute since I first smelt Bella. In a low voice, I replied, "I very nearly slipped up today. I don't want to discuss it yet…just please let me leave for awhile and I'll explain properly when I get back."
Where will you go? And for how long?
"I'm not sure where I'll go, Carlisle, or when I'll be back," I replied as truthfully as I could with a sigh. Finally being able to breath freely was a relief. The girls scent lingered in the back of my throat, and excess venom flowed rather rapidly, but my control was getting better from not smelling the amazing aroma of Bella's warm blood.
"What about Esme, son? She'll be heartbroken if you don't say good-bye," Carlisle pleaded, anguish evident in his voice.
"She'll understand. You'll all understand when I come home." If I come home, I bitterly thought.
Gliding to his desk, he took up his keys and said, "Okay, but come home as soon as you can and bring back a full and proper explanation."
He threw his keys toward me as I struck out my hand exceptionally fast and caught them, saying, "I promise."
Crossing the room, Carlisle beat me to the door, placing a hand on my shoulder, he silently said, Go to Alaska, you'll get the most help there.
Nodding swiftly, Carlisle opened the door and I was out of there, speeding my way to Carlisle's car and speeding out of the town limits towards Alaska.
Sitting in the forest outside Tanya's house in Alaska, I finally felt at peace. I could breath freely--Not like I really needed it, however it was more comfortable. The air was crisp and cool but it didn't phase me for I was a freezing stone of granite anyway. Individual snowflakes swirled around me and clung to my hair without melting.
Frozen drops of ice hung from the trees like diamonds and everything was coated in fresh white dust.
It was my second day away from my family and I missed them terribly. I felt foolish for leaving, although at the time it was necessary. It was hard to believe now in this crisp fresh air that Bella's blood made me act so irrationally.
I knew her blood was still the sweetest I've ever smelt, but I chalked down my behavior to waiting so long to feed. Since being in Alaska, I've fed very frequently and now I felt in control. Controlled enough to go back to Forks and face my family and to deal with Bella's scent. If I had to I'd feed every single day on animals to keep me sane enough to handle Bella's blood.
I was ready to go home.
However, I did not know how I was going to deal with my family. Surely, Alice would have told them all about her visions? I knew there were gaping hole's, though, that they did not understand. How should I tell them I almost bit a human in biology class and considered killing twenty others so they didn't get in the way? How could I explain not being able to hear her thoughts? And how could I explain the pull of her blood on me?
I knew I had to leave. Just the thought of what I must have put them through tormented me. Poor Esme, must be devastated. I had never said good-bye to her, but if I had she would have tried everything to have me stay. It upset me to think I caused my mother pain.
It shamed me to think that insignificant little girl chased me from the place I wanted to be--my home.
Sighing, I stood from my perch, and swiftly walked to Carlisle's car. Sliding into the drivers seat, I pulled out of the driveway making a u-turn and accelerating up the rural road.
I didn't bother saying good-bye to Tanya and her vampire family, that were so much like my family. Living the same lifestyle we did, But they would soon know I was gone.
They were very welcoming when I had showed up at their door and I knew they'd be hurt that I hadn't said a farewell, but to be fairly honest I was never comfortable around Tanya's thoughts. She'd once shown me interest, but I never favored her. I've told her this, of course, but she'd forever be persistent.
I've never showed interest in any female. To be perfectly honest, I was extremely content with my life, save for the past couple days. I felt I didn't need a female in my eternity--I didn't deserve one.
Driving south back to Forks and annoying emotion overwhelmed me. It took me half the trip to figure out the long forgotten feeling…Anxiety.
Pulling into my driveway in Forks, I immediately blocked out their thoughts that bombarded me at my arrival. However it was becoming very hard to control.
Stepping out of Carlisle's car, I was slammed into as Esme embraced me with tearless sobs. I was sure if she could cry, tears would be rolling down her cheeks.
Embracing her back, she pulled away, saying, "You worried me so much when you left! Why did you leave?" You hurt me so much.
Alice bounded to me before I could answer. She also gave me a quick hug, and said, "I knew you wouldn't be gone long!" Staring intently into my curious eyes, she silently added, you need to explain to them what happened, I couldn't tell them much.
Nodding swiftly, I glanced at the rest of my family. They were all genuinely happy to see me, but all of their thoughts were consumed by curiosity, and in Rosalie's case anxiety. "Okay," I addressed them all, "Lets all go inside and I'll explain everything."
Everyone agreeing, we made our way into the living room, all the while wondering if I could tell my family the whole truth. I've never lied to them before, we're an pretty honest family. Plus, in this house their were no secrets. Not with me reading minds, Alice having visions, and Jasper feeling emotions.
I knew I needed to tell them everything.
Everyone sitting down with apprehensive eyes and minds, I stood among them not knowing where to begin.
"Edward," Carlisle began, walking to my side, "We already know you almost killed Bella Swan. We just need to know why you almost did it."
Wincing slightly at the word killed I hesitantly replied, "I'm not exactly sure why I had such the desire to drink her blood…"
How could he not know? Rosalie thought maliciously, He could have ruined everything for us here…he still could!
Glaring at her, I said, "Thank you, Rosalie. Now if you'd let me continue…Anyway like I was saying, I'm not entirely sure. Her blood just called out to me…it sang. It was the sweetest blood I've ever smelt…" I rambled on, reminiscing about the sweetness.
Everyone was shocked, save for Emmett, who frowned and began rehearsing a mantra in his head to keep me from seeing deeper.
"My God, Edward!" Esme cried as she came to my side, clasping my arm. Gazing at Carlisle, she asked, "Have you heard of this before?"
Carlisle nodded apprehensively, saying, "I've heard of it…though it's never happened to me before. I've come across others who've experienced it, but never resisted…"
Jasper's eyes widened as he thought, If no one else could resist that kind of temptation, how did Edward…? I know I wouldn't be able to…. His eyes met mine for a brief second as he experienced my unexplainable rage.
However the feeling passed quickly.
"Edward?" Rosalie addressed me, "How do you expect to go to school, play the human charade, and not kill her in the class you share?" Her voice was a bit condescending.
"Now Rose…" Alice interfered.
Holding up my hands in interruption, I replied, "I've thought of that, these last couple days. I figured that if I had to feed everyday, I would. I resisted once, when I hadn't fed for two weeks, so I know I'll be able to resist if I just feed more often." Pausing, I gave Rosalie a deadly glare, stiffly saying, "You underestimate my self-control."
Rosalie jumped up into my face. "And what if your self-control doesn't persist? You'll ruin everything we've built here!"
I growled deep inside my chest, ready to spring if the time called for it. Suddenly Jasper was on his feet, beside us, sending waves of calm.
Shaking my head, I turned away, as Emmett said, "Rose, come sit back down."
Huffing, she obliged, but one last thought came to me, He'll ruin Emmett and mine lives.
Rolling my eyes, Rosalie always thinking about only herself and Emmett.
Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder, "I believe you son, but take extra precautions. Feed more often and look into her mind…the more you know about her the harder it would be to hurt her."
Balling my hands into fists at my side, I remained quiet. If only it would be that easy. I couldn't know anything about her unless I spoke to her myself. How wretched was that?
"What's wrong, Edward?" Alice began, then a small, "Oh," escaped her lips as she saw that I'd have to speak to Bella, because I could not hear her mind.
"What's going on?" Esme demanded, stepping in front of me.
Sighing, I could not keep this from them forever, they'd know in a matter of minutes anyway. Facing my family, once again, I spoke just above a whisper in my shame, "I can't hear her thoughts."
Questions of various degrees invaded my mind from everyone.
Annoyance flooded through me, "Don't ask me why, because its confounded us all, myself more so. Now if you have any theories, I'd be more then happy to hear them. However, for now, I'd like to be alone." Turning from my family, no one responded. My last glimpse was of Esme's stricken and heartbroken face before I disappeared to my room, my sanctuary.
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