"Shepard, I got a brand new bottle of…" Zaeed's words failed him at the sight before him as he entered Shepard's bedroom.
She was sitting on her bed, looking into a mirror, wearing nothing but a white bathrobe. She was brushing long, chocolate strands of freshly dried hair into soft waves. The thought occured to him that he had never seen her with her hair down before; she always kept it up in a bun, to keep it out of her face.
She turned to him, and then they were both staring at eachother in silence, him with his fingers tightly curled around a brand new bottle of whiskey, and her with her hairbrush poised mid-stroke in a section of her hair. Zaeed found it difficult to even process a single thought, so they stayed that way, simply staring at eachother, until she took a deep breath, broke their eye contact, and finally spoke.
"I just got out of the shower a little while ago," she said, her green eyes filled with exasperation. "You can't just barge into my room!"
"Sorry." He was surprised that he was able to manage even that small word.
He expected her to be angry, but instead she gave him a small smile. "Wait outside for a minute while I get changed." Her smile widened. "Then we can get into whatever bottle you brought with you."
When Zaeed exited the room, Shepard jumped off of her bed, quickly going to her wardrobe to pick out an outfit. She picked the first one she could find and quickly put it on, feeling heat rise to her face. What in the hell had made him feel it was okay to just barge into her room like that? Why had they both just sat there, staring at each other like idiots?
Rowan did her best to shake it off, being sure to grab her hair and twist it up into her signature bun before calling out to him. "You can come back in now."
Zaeed walked in almost cautiously this time, but quickly turned back into his normal self when he saw that she was fully dressed. "Sorry about that, Shepard."
She waved a hand in air as if to dismiss the thought. "No worries, just do me a favor and knock next time?"
He nodded in agreement, then held up the bottle of whiskey with a smirk. She walked over to her couch, grabbing two glasses and handing them to him so he could fill them. "So, is this going to be our new thing now? You start bringing me whiskey so that I don't steal yours?"
He let out a chuckle. "If that's what it takes to keep you away from my own goddamn booze, then yeah, why not?" He gave her an odd look before sitting down and handing her a glass. "The company's not bad, at least."
"Agreed," she said, lifting her glass to him before taking a sip. They sat there for a while, making small talk and cracking jokes as they drank. Everything from rumors floating around the ship to ideas on destroying the Collectors were touched upon as the night wore on. Eventually, as seemed to be the pattern as of late, their conversation turned to a particular person.
"So, have you heard from Alenko yet?" He seemed to be watching her carefully as he posed the question.
Rowan put her glass down onto the table. She had been getting annoyed at this tendency he had seemed to develop of bringing up Kaidan for a while now. Ever since she had admitted to him that he had sent her a message and she had replied, he had been asking the same question. "How come every time we drink together, you ask me that?"
He shrugged. "I know you're waiting to hear from him. It's just something to talk about."
"Well, the answer hasn't changed." She picked up her glass again, taking another sip and staring at him thoughtfully. "I thought you didn't care about what was going on with Kaidan and I. You told me as much when I stole your whiskey." He silently poured himself another glass and took a sip. "I asked you a question, Zaeed. Tell me the real reason you keep asking about Kaidan."
This time, it was his turn to put his glass down with a frustrated clank. "Do you really want to fucking know, Shepard?"
She put her glass down as well, leaning towards him slightly. "Yes, Zaeed. I really want to fucking know."
He took a deep breath before speaking. "I didn't give a damn about you and that Alenko kid, at least not at first. I figured, you were upset, you drank a little too much, and you'd get over it. But you haven't."
She sighed. "I'm fine, Zaeed."
"No, you're not." He sat forward, looking her straight in the eyes. "I can tell from the piss-poor selection of booze you have up here that you're not a big drinker. Yet you've been getting goddamn close to being able to match me glass-for-glass lately. You haven't gotten over it, Shepard. You're just blurring your goddamn vision of it with alcohol."
She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "What if I am?"
"You're better than that!" he said. The anger in his statement was filled with such force that she actually felt her body shrink back slightly. "We have a mission to do, Shepard, and you have a solid crew, a loaded ship, and all of the strength and drive in the goddamn universe to do it with. I can't for the goddamn life of me figure out why you can't just put him aside and move on!"
She swallowed hard. "I don't want to talk about this, Zaeed." Please, just let it go.
"You never do!" he moved closer to her, not breaking his eye contact with her. "That doesn't mean that you aren't going to have to, at least at some fucking point. It might as well be now."
She stood up, walking to the other side of the room, away from him, to stare at the wall in defiance.
"Rowan." The sound of her first name coming from his lips in an almost tender manner made her turn her head towards him. "You can talk to me, for fucks sake!"
Shepard turned to face him. "Zaeed, just drop it, please. I'll admit, he's been on my mind lately, a lot, and I don't want to talk about him. I just want to have a few drinks and relax. Can we please just drop the subject?"
To her surprise, he bolted to his feet, stalking over to her until his very aura had her pinned to the wall. "No. I know you, Shepard, better than you fucking realize. You don't want to show weakness, and I can respect that, but there is something goddamn wrong with you, and you're going to fess up to it before this goddamn night is over!"
She looked at him, frozen in a mixture of shock and fear. His mismatched eyes were practically blazing with anger…and a hint of concern as well. "You're really that concerned that you won't let this go?"
"Yes."
She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've moved on, Zaeed." She glared at his sneer. "I'm serious! I feel like I've finally reached a point where I'm…okay with losing him." She looked away, feeling her cheeks turn pink. "That's whats bothering me. I replied to that damn message he sent me, telling him that I wouldn't let what we had just slip away, that I'd go and find him when this was all over, that I wouldn't give up, or lose faith, like he did." She looked back up at him. "I wish I could take that back."
Clearly, her explanation hadn't been what Zaeed was expecting. He seemed to search her eyes for something, perhaps to see if she was telling the truth, before he spoke. "You don't feel that way anymore?"
"I…" She pounded her fist backwards into the wall. "No, I don't, and I feel like I'mthe bad guy now for it! How could I tell him all of that stuff and then just…up and change my mind like that!"
"Why couldn't you?" he asked. "He certainly had no fucking problem reaming you a new asshole on Horizon." He seemed to hesitate before he spoke his next sentence. "To be honest, Shepard, I don't get why you still fucking cling to him like you do."
She swallowed hard, fighting back tears. Not in front of him. "I don't get it anymore, either."
He seemed to visibly relax at that, and his face softened. "There's nothing wrong with that, Shepard." He took a step closer to her. "You've been through a lot of shit since you died. It's normal that you'd start doubting things." He seemed even more hesitant than before as he gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "I know what you're going through. You're thinking darker thoughts, realizing you're capable of doing things that go against what you thought were your own goddamn morals. That's normal, and for fucks sake Shepard, it's okay."
She sniffled despite herself. "I…everyone depends on me to be some perfect, all-encompassing hero. They expect me to just be brought back to life, jump right back to work, and save the entire universe. Again."
"That's their goddamn problem!" he declared vehemently. "You can only do your best, Shepard. If it's not good enough for anyone else, then fuck 'em all to hell." He squeezed her shoulder gently. "You've done more than enough for the galaxy, and you'll do more when we stop the Collectors." He held her gaze with a serious look. "The only thing that makes me doubt that is seeing you tear yourself up like this."
Rowan felt embarrassment and realization flow through her. "You're right," she said, her voice almost whimsical, as if it were some great, big discovery. "You're absolutely right."
He nodded. "God damn right I am! Don't feel guilty over your own goddamn feelings, Shepard. Own them."
Later that night, after Zaeed and his bottle of whiskey had left, Shepard sat herself down at her private terminal and began to type.
Kaidan,
You haven't sent me a single message since you responded to the last one I sent you. You gave me one line. 'I'll be waiting'.
The thing is, Kaidan, I'm the only one who's sitting here, still having faith in what we had. You said yourself that you had just about moved on before we ran into eachother. To be honest, I think that I'm the one who's waiting, not you.
And now, I have to apologize, because I'm done waiting.
I know I typed a lot of pretty words and made a lot of promises in the last message I sent you, but I'm not sure I can stand behind what I said anymore. You were right, Kaidan. I've changed.
I've died and come back from the dead. I've dealt with the fallout from the time my friends and family have struggled in my absence. I awoke to find everything I had fought for, for the galaxy, for humanity, completely undone.
And you know what? You weren't there for any of it. That hurt more than you will ever know. I needed you more than anything in the world, Kaidan, and when it counted, you all but spat on my face. If you have a right to be selfish about your pain, then I do, too.
Maybe this is for the best. Maybe, when this is all over, if we do run into each other again, things might be different. I don't know, I really can't say.
What I can tell you, however, is that I can't make you any more promises. It isn't fair to me to have to keep those promises when you're too scared to try and fight for what we had, and it isn't fair to you to think that I'm sitting here patiently waiting for you, when my heart and my head tell me that the pain is too great to do that.
I would ask for you to forgive me, but I can't rightfully do that, being that I have yet to find it within myself to forgive you.
Take care of yourself, Kaidan. Be careful, and be happy.
-Shepard