Rick

"We'll talk when I get home." Rick said grimly, looking down to pin his sheriff's badge on his uniform shirt. He was running late and the announcement was his way of letting Lori know he'd had his fill of this morning's latest argument.

She sat silently on their bed and watched as he finished readying for work, the disappointment clear on his handsome face. Her gut was churning, but her face was purposely blank. She had gotten good at hiding most of her true feelings these last months. Disgust, indifference, pity, were not feelings she was ready to bring to light, or God forbid, talk about. Despite their problems, she never wanted to hurt her husband. She knew she did...hurt him that is, but she hated it, every single time.

Whenever she thought about discussing her feelings, telling him the God's honest, awful truth. it felt like a weight was sitting on her chest, pinning her down and making it a struggle to even breathe. She had wanted this life, so much. This man was her family. She kept hoping things would change between them. If she just stuck it out a little while longer, things would somehow right themselves. Then she wouldn't have to deal with their problems and how her feelings towards her husband had changed because of them. She knew that wasn't fair, wasn't the adult thing to do, but she found it hard to care when she knew life would be so much easier if she could just continue to ignore their problems. Acknowledging them meant things would definitely change. It would hurt, it would be messy. Two things she would never want for her husband, her son, or herself.

Trouble is, even though her mind was committed to sticking things out no matter what, her body wasn't. They hadn't had sex in almost a year now, and truth be told, they were rarely together before that. After months of unsuccessfully trying to initiate intimacy, Rick almost seemed resigned to their sexless

marriage now. She couldn't decide which was worse, that he didn't try anymore or that he seemed ok with how things were. It hurt that he didn't care enough to help fix what was wrong.

How fucked up was that?

She missed having sex with her husband, but it was impossible to be in-the-mood with someone that you were constantly at odds with. If he really loved her, she reasoned, he'd do anything to try and change that, to get back the passion they once had. He wasn't doing a damn thing to make any changes, so she could only assume he didn't care. That part hurt worst of all.

Not to say that she was blameless in this situation. She knew she wasn't. She tried, she really did try to relax around him, to have some normalcy, but

whenever he came near her and tried to exhibit any sign of affection or comfort, she would flinch. She couldn't help it. No matter how irrational she knew it was, this was her husband for God's sake, her body just naturally recoiled now from his touch.

He would see her pull away and that muscle in his cheek would flex, like he was grinding his teeth, trying to bite back whatever hateful words filled his mind she guessed. It happened so often that she wondered if he shared any of his real self with her anymore. Or, if like her, he was hiding, desperately trying to protect himself from what she suspected would turn out to be a painful ending.

Their problems were pathetically typical. Boring issues that every married couple struggles with. Money, work, relatives, household chores, etc...That was the kicker. It was so ridiculously textbook, middle-class bullshit that she was even disgusted with herself. They should be stronger than that, better than that, but they just weren't. They couldn't seem to rise above any of it.

She didn't think she loved him anymore. A part of her wondered now if she ever had. He was handsome and steady and she had told herself he'd make a great

husband and father someday. They married after dating one year and she realizes she never really got to know Rick Grimes the man before they said 'I do'. How could she know him when it was very clear to her now that she barely knew herself?

None of this was fair or right. They were all going to be hurt, but try as she might, it seemed she couldn't stop this misery from being exposed, moving

forward into the open, where they'd have to deal with it, and live with the fallout and all the pain that comes with it.

They'd gotten good at fighting quietly for Carl's benefit, angry words hissed out at close range and long days of silent treatment were their weapons of

choice. She wondered how successful they were at sheltering their only child. They might not be screaming or throwing things, but the tension in the house was so thick you could cut it with a knife. How long could they realistically keep Carl from seeing it and understanding the truth of their relationship?

She had said the word divorce a week ago in a weak moment after one of their days-long arguments. The second the word left her lips she regretted it. Thing was, Rick didn't look upset, he looked relieved. His body visibly-relaxed when the word left her lips, which somehow made her all the more-furious.

His relief let her know that he was feeling the same way about the state of their marriage but was too chicken-shit to say it. Both of them, tip-toeing

around the elephant in the room, and she had been the one to cave first.

Of course it would work out that way. That way, she was the jerk, and he got to be the good guy. Well, fuck him! If he'd had fought for their marriage like she had, they wouldn't even be in this situation.

Screw it. This was obviously gonna happen despite her best efforts. It took two people to make a marriage work. She was never gonna save them all by herself, so what was the point in trying anymore?

Maybe it was for the best that it was happening now. Carl was still young. He'd be hurt, of course, but she'd do her best to shelter him from as much pain as she could. She'd be civil, even sweet to Rick. They'd already had months and months of play acting where their relationship was concerned. She didn't see a reason it needed to get ugly now, not with a child between them that they both adored. Carl came first. She knew Rick would never fight her about that.

She pulled back the living room curtain and watched as Rick got into his squad car to head to work. A vision tickled her memory of when he had been a new police officer. Back then, they'd been so happy. She'd follow him out to the squad car every morning for one last desperate kiss before he drove off. "A good luck charm" she called it, and he'd smile up at her, a man in love with his wife.

She kept watching as the squad car turned the corner and disappeared out of sight. She felt wetness on her cheeks and was annoyed to find that she was

crying. She would have thought that she had no tears left after all this time. Frowning to herself, she swiped at her unwanted tears, dropped the curtain, took a steadying breath, and went to wake up Carl for school.