Title: The Finest Parts of Me are Only Shades of You.
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Morgan/Reid.
Summary: The lights are low, the audience is well hidden, but green eyes scan the room searching for two important figures, but only find one.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, nor any of the characters mentioned.
The Finest Parts of Me are Only Shades of You
There is a darling little child, dressed in her pressed, pink tutu, twirling about the stage as she was taught to do so three months prior for this evening in particular. For a seven year old, Annabelle Marie was quite the dancer. She loved it, and showed a talent for the art at the tender age of three.
The lights were low, the audience well hidden, but green eyes scanned the room searching for two important figures, but only find one. Those green eyes, an exact replica of her grandmothers, are filled with disappointment, and Spencer feels ashamed. No matter, Spencer cheered her on.
That's what good parents did, and that was what Spencer was doing, but he couldn't help but feel the weight of his daughters disappointment radiate through him. Spencer had stressed the importance of this day to Derek for the last three months, and the other man had insisted that he would be there, but he wasn't. The dance recital was coming to a close, and the girls and boys were settling into their last pose. The recital over, all in the audience began t clap merrily.
When Annabelle appeared, face red, Spencer questioned what was wrong. The little girl insisted she was just physically exhausted, but that wouldn't explain the red that rimmed the line of her eyes. Spencer could tell she didn't want to talk about it now, and so, he instructed her to turn around so he could help to put her coat on. The weather was frightfully cold outside, and Spencer wasn't about to let his daughter exit the building without being properly dressed. As they moved to leave, the main door to the old, restored building open.
Derek's presence was not a welcomed sight, not to Annabelle and not to Spencer. The other man looked truly apologetic, but an apology just wasn't enough this time around. There were so many things Spencer had let slide; date nights, school plays, play dates, trips to the park or museum, but this was the one thing he had asked for, and Derek had let him, but more importantly, Annabelle down. Without so much as a glance, Spencer took Annabelle by the hand and walked out the door, Derek following close behind them. Spencer had never been so upset, had never felt so betrayed.
"Spence..."
"Don't talk to me, Derek."
"Spencer, please."
Spencer didn't want to talk to him, but he also didn't want to fight in front of their daughter. She was so beautiful, so perfect. She was an even mixture of them both; all the struggle they went through to have her. Derek's sister Sara donating one of her eggs in order for the child to be biologically theirs, finding a surrogate to carry their child for nine months. Spencer knew that Derek would never retire from the FBI, not until he felt as though his time there was complete, but Spencer could never have imagined that the job would ever come before their child.
"Anna, dad will take you home."
"Spence, you can't walk home in this weather," Derek rationalized, but Spencer wasn't having it. The doctor had walked in worse weather conditions, and survived. The plan had been for Spencer and Annabelle to walk to the dance recital together, and then drive home with Derek after it was finished. Obviously, that didn't quite work out as planned, even though Derek had showed up, but it wasn't on time. Derek never seemed to be on time; at least, not for anything that wasn't work.
"Don't talk to me. Take Annabelle home, I'll be there sooner or later," Spencer scuffed, helping Annabelle into the back seat of Derek's SUV, and secured her in. The child looked up at him with pleading eyes, it was obvious that she was in discontent. No child deserved to be caught in the middle of their parents fighting. Spencer felt guilty, remembering how he use to watch his parents fight until one day, his dad left.
The bitterness that memory brought was unbearable, Spencer concluded as he continued to walk along a familiar street. The fact that Spencer's father left didn't bother him as much anymore. Spencer reasoned that was because he understood what being in a failing relationship was like, but he could never, ever, understand how his father had left without him. Spencer, if ever the day came, would take Annabelle and go. There was no doubt in his mind about that.
This did not ease his aching; however, it merely served to intensify it. Spencer knew with all his heart that Derek loved Annabelle, would be willing to do anything for her. The man came home most nights tired and bruised, but never failed to stop in and check on his little princess. Spencer and Derek had been together nearly nine years, now, and their relationship had never been as difficult or as complicated as it was these past three years. This was all so wrong.
'What am I suppose to do?' Spencer questioned, a frown appearing on his already stern face. The look did nothing for him, he looked like a pouting child; an overgrown child, but a child nonetheless. Spencer still loved Derek, he would always love him, that was never a question in his mind, but did he love him the same? Thinking like this, it wasn't good. Spencer knew that much, knew that something was wrong and it needed to be fixed.
Could it be fixed?
When Spencer arrived home it was already well past Annabelle's bed time, but the child was not asleep. Instead, she sat perched on the sofa with her favorite stuffed animal, Maxwell. She smiled sadly at him, glad that her father had made it home safely. Spencer felt bad for causing the child to worry about him, and so, he sat down beside her, pulling her onto his lap. Before she was born, Spencer had been afraid that he wouldn't be able to be affectionate towards her, but that fear was quickly squashed when he held her in his arms for the first time.
"What are you doing up so late, Anna?"
"I was worried."
"About me?"
"About the both of you," she admitted softly, wrapping her small arms around her father's neck. What she said concerned him immediately.
"What's wrong with dad?"
"He's not talking."
"You don't need to worry about us, Anna. You do; however, need to worry about getting enough sleep."
"But it's Sunday, tomorrow!"
"Still, you need your rest. I'll tuck you in," Spencer spoke, picking the girl up and moving towards her bedroom.
Annabelle wasn't like most children her age, but that was to be expected. She had an extensive book collection as well as an ever growing butterfly collection. She also had trophies from softball and basketball. She enjoyed being active, especially with her dad. Playing sports was something she shared in common with Derek. The thought caused Spencer to hang his head in desperation.
When she was settled in, Spencer pulled the covers up to her chin, making sure Maxwell was just as comfortable for Annabelle's sake. Spencer leaned down to press a soft, loving kiss to the soft, caramel colored skin of the girls forehead. Spencer wouldn't know what to do without her, she meant everything to him; the driving force pushing him along to do better, try harder. Though Spencer still worked as a professor at the University of Virginia, he made an effort to be with Annabelle as much as humanly possible. That's why he couldn't understand Derek, not anymore.
"Goodnight, Belle."
"Night, dad."
Spencer kissed the child once more before moving to his feet. The fact that she called both he and Derek dad was amusing. At first, they didn't know what she would call them when she learned to speak, but dad worked out just fine. The two were never confused, Annabelle had a way of pronouncing the word that made it clear who she was talking to. The thought was fleeting, but it made Spencer smile for a moment.
The distance from Annabelle's room to the room that he and Derek shared was not long or very tedious. In fact, in that moment, Spencer wished it had been. Spencer wasn't sure if he was ready or not for the discussion that was sure to follow his entrance. For as different as they were now, Derek was still direct about any issue that came across his way. This evening would be no different, of this, Spencer was sure.
Carefully, Spencer closed the door behind him. Taking off his button up shirt, he tossed it in the hamper that rested within their bathroom. Derek sprawled out on their bed, the television on as the Magic played the Bulls. Spencer made quick to wash his face and prepare for bed, it was well past eleven when he settled on top of the sheets beside his partner. With a deep breath, he prepared for the oncoming conversation.
"I'm sorry," Derek said softly, peering over at the man he had spent so many years with; the love of his life. In all honesty, he was sorry.
"Do you even know what you're sorry for anymore, Derek?" Spencer questioned, and it came out strong, and it came out wounded. In all honesty, Spencer was tired of all the apologies.
"We got in late, I tried. I didn't want to miss Annabelle's recital, you know that."
"If you didn't want to miss it, you should have taken the day off like I said."
"You know I can't do that."
"No. I know you can, and I knew that you wouldn't. I know now that I shouldn't have bothered telling you at all."
"That's not fair, Spencer."
"That's funny, that's exactly what Annabelle told me when you didn't show up."
The moments Spencer were brash were few and far between, but when he was, he could be outright vengeful. Derek starred at the heated man with a complex look in his eyes, Spencer had never seen that look before and had no clue what it meant. When Derek's jaw tightened, Spencer knew he was angry. Spencer hoped that the conversation could be dropped for the moment, but luck was never in his favor. Ever.
"You're unbelievable sometimes, Spence."
"I'm unbelievable, is that right? Well, then. I've been thinking a lot, you want to know what I've been thinking about, Derek? Do you care?"
"What, Spencer? What? Tell me. I'm all ears. Come on, genius."
"Whether or not I still love you. Whether or not I can. I was always on your side with this, you know. I looked at Hotch and Haley from Hotch's perspective, because I understood the job. I worked in the same profession as you do, remember? I listened to Rossi, and I listened to JJ. When we first got together, I was still on that side; your side. As soon, as soon as Annabelle was born I knew I had thought wrong. Suddenly, I was no longer on your side. I wasn't on Hotch's side I, for the first time, understood what Haley went through. I don't expect you to get it, but I never thought you would be this distant. Ever. For fucks sake, she's your daughter! And I'm not going to let her suffer, and I'm—I'm not going to suffer, anymore. I think...I think we need time apart. I need to step back and figure out what I want, and you need to do the same."
When Spencer finished his piece, Derek was left stunned. The elder of the two men couldn't form the words necessary to convey what all this meant to him. For the first time in a long time, Derek studied Spencer's face and saw the destruction he had caused. The pain he had caused his daughter, his lover—his family. The pain he felt was nearly unbearable, it was fresh and it was raw. The fact that he could justify everything he had ever done up until this moment was silly, and useless now.
There was no justifying this.
"If you...need to go away for a little while, then do it. I'm sure Penelope would be more than willing to stash you away for awhile, Spence. If you need to do this, then do it. Promise me one thing, though," Derek said, taking Spencer's hand in his, rubbing a circular pattern into his palm. Spencer nodded his head, soundlessly.
"You'll come back."
This was the last thing Derek ever wanted. When he thought about his future, he didn't want to end up like Hotch, barely in touch with the world outside of work. It wasn't until Hotch had lost Haley that he started to try. Derek didn't want to lose Spencer, and he didn't want to lose Annabelle—and he didn't want them to loathe him, either.
Derek did the only thing he could think of, he called his mom. The woman who had always been there for him, worked so hard for him, struggled for him. The woman whose eyes were passed on to his daughter, Derek smiled at that. Annabelle had his mother's eyes, and Spencer's mother's hair color. She was lighter than him, but darker than Spencer. Though, Derek had reason to believe everyone was darker than Spencer.
"Hey, baby. I'm glad to hear from you."
"Hi, mom."
"What's wrong, Derek? You're voice sounds funny, like you're upset."
"I'm...not dong so well, right now. I mean, we got into a fight."
"Derek, another one?"
"Worse. He's staying with Penelope for the night, and I'm at home...waiting for Annabelle to get out of school."
"Oh, Derek."
"I don't want to lose him, mom. I really don't." Derek began to cry.
"Then don't, Derek. You can't expect him to do everything, baby. Your relationship has to be equal, and it's not right now, is it?"
"No."
"You know how to fix this, Derek. You do."
"What if he doesn't want me anymore, mom?"
"Do you really believe that he doesn't love you anymore, Derek?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything."
"You can do this. You can do this for you and Spencer, and you can do this for Annabelle. I didn't raise you to quit, did I?"
"No."
"Then don't. Don't quit."
The conversation lasted well over two hours, and by the end, Derek had to admit that he felt much better than he had before calling his mom. When he walked into the kitchen to get a drink, he noticed it was almost time to pick Annabelle up from the bus stop. Smiling at the photo of the three of them on the fridge, Derek grabbed two bottles of water, and headed out the door. The family lived in a quiet neighborhood, and never had any problems with their neighbors. Derek and Spencer were well respected in town.
The sun was bright; it was still rather cold outside, but not as cloudy as it had been the past few days. Derek figured that had to count for something; it had to mean something good was coming his way. The man smiled, a bright, real smile at the sight of his little girl stepping off the big, yellow bus. Of course, as per usual, she was in the middle of her two best friends: Kelly and Daniel. Upon seeing her father, Annabelle smiled happily.
It was almost painful how forgiving children could be.
"Dad! Dad, look! I made the best paper flower today in class. Mrs. Ramirez said it was one of the best she had seen," the girl spoke happily, chattering away as the four of them moved up the street. Derek or Spencer always walked Kelly and Daniel to their house. The siblings mother and father rotated this duty with them.
"That's gorgeous, Princess. Where's yours, Kelly?"
"Daniel sat on it on the bus," the child spoke sadly.
"It was an accident, Kelly!" the boy responded. Daniel was a grade older than both Kelly and Annabelle.
"Accidents happen, kids."
"Here, you can have mine," Annabelle offered, extending the gift to her friend. The other little girl, with all her dark hair and blue eyes accepted merrily.
"Thanks, Anna!"
"No problem. You gave me your macaroni picture frame for my dad's picture."
The babysitter waved happily in Derek's direction, thankful for his help. The man waved back, indicating that it was no problem at all. With Annabelle's hand in his, they made the rest of the trip home. Once inside, Derek helped Anna to take off her shoes. The girl could name all the planets in the solar system, could tell you the scientific name for the luna moth (Actias Luna), but could not, for the life of her, tie and untie her shoes. Derek was sure that she would get it one day, and if she couldn't, he would always be there to help her out.
"You want a snack?"
"Do we still have yogurt?"
"I believe we do. What flavor do you want?"
"Strawberry."
"Strawberry it is."
The day wore on, and Derek made it a habit to dodge all phone calls that came his way. Spending time with Annabelle was more important, he knew this. In his heart, he knew she came before everything else in his life. The two found themselves out front, playing basketball together. Annabelle announced that she planned to play again when Spring came around.
She was worn out by the time they got inside, but Derek made it clear she needed to take a shower and brush her teeth before settling in for the night. The child did, but with much fuss. Derek just laughed at her stubbornness, all the while, grabbing her favorite green towel and bedtime snack. Spencer had made it a habit of giving her an Oreo cookie and glass of milk before she went to sleep. Spencer had mentioned that his mom use to do the same for him.
"You know, you're very lucky," Derek mused.
"I am, why?"
"Because you have two dad's who love you very much."
"Did your dad love you?"
"He did. I didn't get the opportunity to spend much time with my dad, though."
"Did he work a lot, too?"
"Yeah, actually. I use to wait up for him when he came home. I'd be so tired that I'd fall asleep in school the next day, but I did anything to see him. I lost my dad at a young age. I was a little older than you, but not by much."
"I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, Princess. And I'm going to make it my mission not to."
Penelope sat across from her dear friend, studying him. She knew full well that the man in front of her did not like to be studied, but she did it anyway. She felt sad for him. She felt like there was nothing she could do for him except lend him her shoulder to cry on, but she didn't feel like that was enough. Spencer deserved more than that, she thought.
"You love him."
"You know I do."
"You've always loved him, my precious muffin."
"I know."
"You know that he's always loved you. You know that he will always love you, whether or not you're still there," Penelope warned, and Spencer felt his face heat up.
"I know. I know, Penelope. It's just, what if that isn't enough?"
"Spencer, love isn't all that you and Derek share. Your love for each other developed over an intense friendship, kiddo. Don't you remember that? Derek has been and always will be there for you, he cares so much for you and Annabelle. With our job, though. Spence, he works so hard because he doesn't want those people, those people we hunt down to be anywhere near you or Belle."
"I know, but Garcia, he's never there when I need him."
"I know. I know, Spence. In case you don't remember, Derek's not that great at multitasking. Why do you think he was alone for so many years? Why do you think you were alone for so many years? That job eats us whole, and for Derek, that was fine. He didn't have any other responsibilities, and when you two got together, it wasn't that hard to manage because you worked together."
"We don't, now. We're not on the same schedule anymore, and he's not willing to try and be with us."
"That's not true, and you know it. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he doesn't know how to."
"I want this to get better, Penelope. I miss him."
"And he misses you."
When Spencer arrived, he was surprised to see Annabelle in their bed. The little girl was sprawled, half her body on Spencer's side of the mattress, and her legs stretched over Derek's back. The sight was as amusing as it was heartwarming. Light on his feet, Spencer crept to Derek's side of the bed. With his right hand, Spencer stroked the sleeping mans face lovingly until dark eyes opened wearily.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself. You look comfortable."
"She had a nightmare," Derek confirmed, leaning into Spencer's touch. The other man smiled, this was home. This was where he needed to be.
"I'll put her back to bed."
"Okay," he mumbled, falling back to sleep.
Spencer lifted the girl into his arms, she was getting heavier and heavier each year. Soon, Spencer wouldn't be able to carry her as easily as he did when she was a baby, and that made him a little sad, but children had to grow up, and Spencer wanted to make sure Annabelle emerged as an adult with a vast knowledge of this world, and opportunities at her feet. Quietly, he tucked her back into her bed, placing Maxwell next to her head. The girl half awoke, hugging her father tightly, glad that he was finally home. Spencer kissed her gently on her forehead.
"I love you."
"I know, dad. I love you, too."
"Good. That makes me very, very happy," Spencer murmured into the child's curly hair, giving her a tight squeeze before letting her go.
"She okay?"
"Yeah, she went right back to sleep."
"Good," Derek mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he rolled over to his side, facing Spencer. He smiled at him, like he use to, pulling him to his body before kissing the side of his neck.
"I'm glad you came back."
Spencer wrapped his arms around Derek's shoulders, placing a soft kiss to his mouth before settling in closer to him. There was so much that had changed about them, each one of them. They had grown a lot together, in front of each other. There were a lot of hard times, but there was a lot of good. Their persistence outran most problems they occurred.
"Of course, it's where I'm meant to be."
While Penelope's house was comfortable, and her guest room spacious, nothing compared to being here. There was no where else that made Spencer as happy, or as secure as being in the two story house with his husband and his daughter. This is where he felt as though he belonged, and he did, he belonged here. Derek fell back asleep, and Spencer couldn't blame him. It was early in the morning, and the sun would be up in less than an hour.
Rolling onto his side, Spencer found a piece of paper placed on their nightstand. The bold letters were highlighted in a bright purple, and Spencer couldn't help but grin at what he read. The paper was a list of dates for basketball tryouts, Derek had written them down for Annabelle, and made notations to take those days off of work. Brown eyes wandered over to the man beside him, he was a good man—a great man. A man who loved his family.