A/N: This is complete and total crack. It's based on a dream I had a couple weeks ago; the only part of it I can remember is Merlin standing in a line of peacocks, bowing. I told a friend and decided that it was just crazy enough to make a good story. Hopefully you think so as well. :)
As for Molten Core, I started the next chapter and hope to have it up in a couple of weeks or less. It's only taken so long because I want my writing to be about quality, not quantity. The next chapter will be EPIC; I've been having a lot of fun writing it.
As per usual, I do not own Merlin; it's the property of BBC/NBC/SyFy/Arthurian legend writers. However, the peacocks are all mine. XD
This was, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the strangest gift Uther had ever received. He knew that he should be grateful to Emperor Jazim for traveling so far in order to negotiate a treaty, but this gift was simply too odd to accept blindly.
What on earth was he supposed to do with eighty-six fine male peacocks, birds that were second only to those owned by the emperor?
Another display of how different we are. It really is quite a miracle that we were able to agree on some sort of treaty, Uther realized.
He was king of Camelot-he had no time to deal with these ridiculously ornate birds. There were other matters that required his attention-all of which were more important than eighty-six exotic birds from a foreign king.
"What is it, Father?" Arthur asked Uther as he entered the throne room, the double doors closing behind him.
"Arthur, I have a task for you. As thanks for taking the time to negotiate a peace treaty with him, Emperor Jazim was kind enough to bestow one of the greatest honors known to a man of his country upon me," Uther began.
"And what is this high honor?" inquired Arthur.
"Eighty-six male peacocks-some of the finest of his country. It is a common practice for Jazim's courtiers to send peacocks to one another after successful negotiations. If many peacocks are sent, it is a sign of high respect," said Uther.
Arthur looked at his father with an expression of utter confusion. "Eighty-six peacocks?" he exclaimed, wondering if he'd heard his father correctly. "What in all of Camelot is one supposed to do with such foppish fowls?"
Uther sighed deeply. "Yes, eighty-six-the number holds some significance for these people. As for what to do with them, I have learned that it is customary for the recipients of these peacocks to...train them to do certain things."
"What sorts of things?" Arthur, who was still trying to comprehend the absurdity of the situation, wondered.
"Well, one very common trick that is taught to these birds is how to bow," Uther explained. "Your task is to make sure they are educated in this task."
"Father, this is risible! I do not have the time to teach your peacocks how to bow!" Arthur cried.
"I did not say that you had to do it, Arthur. You must simply insure that it is done," Uther responded.
"Very well. I believe I have the perfect man for the job," Arthur remarked as he left the throne room.
"Eighty-six peacocks?"
Arthur groaned. "Yes, Merlin, for the fifth time, my father was given eighty-six peacocks by the Emperor Jazim, all of which must learn how to bow. Since I don't exactly have spare time to stand around and educate them, I've given you the honor of doing so."
"This is insane," Merlin remarked. "D'you honestly expect me to sit down and teach a bunch of peacocks how to bow? It's completely preposterous!"
"I don't care what adjective you use to describe the situation, Merlin, but it's your job to make sure that these birds learn," Arthur snapped.
Merlin shook his head, silently admitting defeat. Being a prince might come with a nearly endless list of things to look forward to, but some royal customs seemed utterly ridiculous to Merlin.
Somewhat reluctantly, he followed Arthur to the part of the palace courtyards where the peacocks were being kept. They were scattered in every direction, squawking, running, and pecking uselessly at the ground. "Have fun, Merlin," Arthur said, patting Merlin's shoulder in mock sympathy before he walked away.
"Great," Merlin muttered. "Eighty-six giant blue unruly birds that I'm supposed to teach how to bow. This'll be fun."
Merlin began by making a somewhat failed attempt to herd the peacocks into ranks-or at least get them all into some sort of formation that would make his task easier. He failed dismally at this.
Eventually, he saw that there was a box near the peacocks labeled "FOOD." Grinning to himself, Merlin opened the box. His smile dimmed when he saw a corner filled with dead frogs, but he ignored them and took grain, which occupied most of the box, out of the box and placed handfuls of it in piles, hoping that each peacock would gravitate to a pile.
"Yes!" he whispered in satisfaction as the birds slowly began to gravitate towards the grain, forming a line.
Cautiously, Merlin slipped his way into the line between two birds. The one to Merlin's left simply looked at the warlock, decided that Merlin didn't pose much of a threat to him, and continued consuming his grain. However, the peacock on Merlin's right side was a bit more investigative. The bird inched his head slowly towards the young man's arm. Merlin didn't move, hoping that the bird would ignore him. Apparently, the peacock's mind was quite set on what it wanted to do, as it proceeded to peck Merlin rather roughly in the arm.
In an attempt to stifle a yell of pain, Merlin made an odd squawking sound. Upon hearing the noise, several of the peacocks standing closer to Merlin spread their feathers and puff out their chests. The feathers surrounded the young warlock, who tried to push his way out of the fans of the two birds nearest to him.
"Right, now you're supposed to do this," he said to the peacocks loudly as he demonstrated bowing.
One of the gaudy birds looked quizzically at him before continuing to peck at its pile of grain. "No," Merlin chided, "All the way down, like this."
He bowed so low that his back formed an acute angle with his legs. "Now try it," he called to the birds.
As one would expect, the peacocks paid no mind to Merlin and continued about their business.
This is utterly preposterous. A bunch of birds are not going to listen to me, no matter what I ask them to do! Merlin realized, shaking his head in exasperation. It'd take magic to get them to do something aside from pecking at the ground and showing off their fans.
In fact, magic appeared to be the only logical way to train eighty-six peacocks in the art of bowing. Merlin glanced around the courtyard. There was no one present at the moment, but it was the middle of the day-someone could walk by at any given time and witness Merlin charming the peacocks. If he was going to use magic, he would have to wait until the late afternoon-when most people were beginning to stay inside. That gives me at least another hour of training these...things before I can take care of it, Merlin realized unhappily.
But was it truly a good idea to practice magic in Uther's courtyard, even if it was for something as idiosyncratic as training peacocks how to bow? Sorcery was strictly prohibited under pain of death.
I've done worse, the young warlock thought, recalling all of the times he'd used music to save Arthur and Camelot.
Chaos was returning to the group of peacocks. Now that most of them had finished their grain, they were beginning to run around, pecking the ground and making odd noises at one another. There was no possible way that he could control such madness.
"Great," muttered Merlin. "Only another hour of this."
Two hours later, Merlin was finally sure that no one else would walk through the courtyards to witness his necromancy. He had been pondering exactly how to execute the spell as he'd watched the peacocks strut around and flash their feathers at him and had finally formulated what he believed to be a functional spell.
Once again, he lined up piles of grain, hoping that the peacocks would be somewhat compliant. Starting at one end of the line, Merlin stood beside each peacock, cautiously touching them as he whispered the incantation. When he had enchanted all of the birds, he walked by the rapidly deteriorating line of peacocks, praying that they'd bow to him.
Fortunately, every last one of them bowed to Merlin in a most elegant manner, though they looked quite silly while doing it. "Arthur better be pleased," hissed Merlin as he left the enchanted peacocks in search of the prince.
"I didn't believe I'd ever say this, but well done," Arthur remarked, clapping his manservant on the shoulder. "It seems we've found the one thing you can do correctly, Merlin-train exotic birds."
"Thanks," Merlin replied, grinning. "But don't expect me to do it again."
"My father isn't a frequent recipient of peacocks, Merlin," Arthur pointed out.
"Right. Maybe I should just go to Emperor Jazim's court and train his peacocks," Merlin suggested.
Arthur laughed. "Don't flatter yourself, Merlin. Eighty-six peacocks is child's play to Jazim's subjects. Compared to what they do, you're an amateur."
"So I'm back to being good at nothing," Merlin remarked.
Grinning, Arthur remarked, "Some things will never change."