The Ballad of Babbity Rabbity

Written by Beedle the Bard and retold by stella8h8chang with the help of JK Rowling

Once upon a time, in a faraway land,
Was a muggle king, who longed to understand
The secrets of magic, which you well know,
Run in your blood, and only birth will bestow.

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But the greedy king gathered a Brigade
Of Witch-Hunters, with black hounds to aid
The grasping of magic in his greedy paws
But he was outsmarted – because –

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Wizards and witches hid from him with ease.
When the King announced that he sought expertise
From an Instructor of Magic, a charlatan cunning
Smelled fortune and fame, and came running.

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He was no more than a muggle himself
Yet he tricked the foolish king out of his wealth
With a few cheap illusions of eye and ear,
So he became boastful and lost all his fear.

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A washer-woman watched the charlatan bold
Pull plain twigs from a tree. But the King he told:
"These are magic wands, but they will not submit
To your will, until Your Majesty is worthy of it."

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She watched them shout nonsense at the sky,
From dawn every day, till evening was nigh,
Until she could no longer ignore –
Those stupid muggles – how she laughed and she roared!

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The King was humiliated, rightly so,
And demanded his magic at once would show,
In front of his subjects the following day,
Or else the charlatan would with his life pay.

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The charlatan, petrified, wanted to flee,
But this only made the King even more angry,
Threatening to send the Brigade immediately,
He said, "You will die if anyone else laughs at me."

-

Now the charlatan was furious too,
Needing somewhere and someone to vent to,
He ran to the cottage and the cause of his woes,
The washer-woman, whom everyone knows,

-

Was more than a little old lady named Babbity –
For she was a witch of great gravity.
The charlatan watched her giving her wand a scrub,
As a couple of sheets washed themselves in a tub.

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An idea struck this most unscrupulous muggle,
He burst in and seized her; seeing she did not struggle,
He deemed she would easily bow to his demands,
To worm her way out of the wrath of the Brigands.

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But Babbity was very much wiser than him
With a smile, she said, "I will do anything
Within my power to help you, my dear."
For how could a muggle cause a witch any fear?

-

"You must conceal yourself in a bush tomorrow morn,
And when you see the King with his 'wand' drawn
You must perform all the spells he wishes, one by one."
But Babbity answered, "What if it cannot be done?"

-

"That's not possible," laughed the charlatan with glee,
Convinced of his cleverness and the King's stupidity.
"Your magic is stronger than anything the mule
Could dream up in his head; he is easy to fool."

-

Thus it happened that the court assembled,
To witness the tricks they thought magic resembled.
Upon a stage, the King made a hat disappear
And at once the crowd noisily started to cheer.

-

Now pointing his twig at his favourite horse
He raised it high into the air with invisible force
As the raucous muggles continued to applaud,
He wondered what to do next, the great fraud.

-

Until the Captain of the Witch-Hunting Brigade,
Whose dog had been poisoned by a flowering nightshade,
Carrying the corpse, came beseeching the King
To bring the dog back to life and end his suffering.

-

So the King touched his twig to the cur's black nose,
But nothing happened – since everyone well knows
That no magic can raise the dead – and so the revered
Babbity smiled, as the crowd snickered and sneered.

-

The King's voice boomed out as he began to bellow,
"Why did the spell fail?" But the charlatan fellow
Indicated the bush where Babbity dwelled,
And said, "A wicked witch is blocking the spell!"

-

With that, the real witch leapt up out of hiding,
And the hunters set their hounds on her snarling,
But at the base of an old tree she vanished again,
Leaving the dogs barking and scrabbling in vain.

-

"She has turned herself into a crab-apple fruit!"
Said the charlatan, not calling off the pursuit,
For fearful that Babbity would return vengefully,
He ordered his men to cut down the tree.

-

Cried the crowd, "This is what happens to all evil witches!"
As the tree was chopped, smoothly, without any hitches.
But as the trunk fell, with an almighty thump,
A loud cackling was heard from inside the stump.

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"Real witches and wizards cannot be killed
By being cut in half," said a voice that filled
The charlatan with dread. "Believe me, it's true!
See how your charlatan bears being cut in two!"

-

At this, the charlatan confessed, begging for mercy,
And was dragged to the dungeons to rot eternally.
But Babbity was not finished with the muggle King –
She would cure him of his conceited thinking.

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"Your actions have brought down a curse on your realm,
When you harm a witch or a wizard, you will be overwhelmed
By a pain so great you will wish for death unashamed."
With that, the King fell to his knees and proclaimed:

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"I swear to protect all wizards and witches henceforth
They may make magic freely, far away from my court,
The stump cackled again; she still was not finished.
"Now build a statue of me by this tree you diminished

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"To remind you of your foolishness, and the vow you uphold."
So the shamed King promised her a statue of gold.
The muggles slunk away, wrapt in quietness,
And doomed to oblivious short-sightedness,

-

Unable to notice the happenings by the stump –
For out hopped an old rabbit, merry and plump,
Out from a hole that was hidden beneath,
With a familiar wand between its white teeth!

-

For Babbity Rabbity was none other than
An animagus! Returning to human form, she began,
Turning her back on the kingdom, to go on her way
Though her golden statue stands watch to this day.

A/N: Babbity Rabbity's story is not mine; having enjoyed the Amazon synopsis of JKR's magical fairytale (which Ron mentioned in Deathly Hallows), I thought I'd use some poetic licence in transforming it! Please forgive me for any terrible rhymes, and do watch out for "Another One Through And Through", a one-shot, coming soon, that will make use of a few of these verses!

In the meantime, why not check out the short and sweet "Seven Ways", the epic and poetic mystery "Time Loves to Fly", or one of the other-one shots on my profile?

Alternatively, you could navigate over to the page of WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot, for the unrestrainedly hilarious novel "Daphne Greengrass and the 6th Year from Hell", or some of her other short pieces!

Or…you could always just leave a review! If you guys like this, I may do "The Tale of the Three Brothers" next!