His Best Friends Girl
Mimi looked out the window. She wasn't looking for anything specific, just staring outside. She saw everyone just walking around living their lives. "How could they be so callus?" she thought. They were all rushing to go somewhere. Work, a meeting, to lunch. She couldn't understand it. "How could life go on?" Her Roger was gone and life just continued to go on.
Being with him kept her sane. Being with him gave her purpose in life. Something she didn't have before that Christmas Eve when the power went out and she saw him coming in from the roof. Life had just seemed to pass her by. She just seemed to exist. She was nothing more than a blur. Then, her Roger came along. He was this tough guy, brooding rock star who had given up on his own life, until Mimi came along. Now he was gone and it was just Mimi and Mark now. The funeral was especially difficult. His parents just looked at her with disdain, as if she were the one who got him sick. "Where were they when he was alive? Nowhere, that's where.
They wanted nothing to do with him and they had the nerve to just jump in and take over after he died. Mark had only called them out of courtesy. But they came in and took over. They came in and even gave Mimi a hard time about being there. Mark really stood up for her. He told them how it was going to be and if they didn't like it, they could stay in Connecticut. We didn't need them there anyway. Benny had offered to cover the funeral and since he and Roger had buried the hatchet, we graciously accepted. Then Roger's parents came into the picture and wanted him buried in Connecticut next to his grandparents. Mark took care of that too. He was a rock through all of it. All Mimi could do was crumble. She felt as if her whole life was over. Gone. Roger was her life.
Mark wasn't as bad as Mimi thought he would be. Mark and Roger were best friends and Mark took care of Roger through a former girlfriends suicide, an HIV diagnosis and heroin withdrawal. He took care of Roger, as he was getting sicker and sicker. Mimi was useless. She didn't know what to do. She detached in a way when Roger got sick. She didn't want it to hurt so much when he… you know. She also had no idea how to take care of him. He was always the one who took care of her and this was foreign to her. Roger was her rock. He nursed her through numerous close calls and her own heroin withdrawal. She loved him and grew to depend on him for her every need. There was nothing Roger wouldn't do for her, and she felt like a failure. When he needed her the most, all she could think about was using. She needed something to numb this intense pain she was feeling. She knew her brave Roger; her big strong rock star was getting weaker and weaker. She couldn't stand to see him that way. It wasn't the way he lived and she didn't want him to die that way. But inevitably when AIDS gets you, there is nothing you can do to keep your dignity. Mark became the rock. He catered to their every need. He was there to put a cold cloth on his forehead and made sure Mimi took her meds and ate. Mark was the best friend anyone could have, and now that Roger is gone, Mimi couldn't help but wonder where that leaves her? Will Mark expect her to move back into her apartment so he could get on with his life? Everyone knew the only reason why Mimi stayed at the loft was because Roger wanted her to. She couldn't expect Mark to take care of her forever. There had to be a breaking point for him. He had watched too many of his friends die of this deadly disease and Mimi was the only one left. It was ironic really. She was the one who had always been so sick and neglected her health and here she was, outliving Collins and Roger both. She felt it wasn't fair. Roger deserved to be the one to survive. He was the strong one. He was the one who Mark needed. Now he was stuck with Mimi. It wasn't fair for him.
"Hey, Mimi. How are you doing?" Mark said as he exited his bedroom with camera in hand.
"I don't know. I can't feel anything but pain right now." She replied as he approached the window ledge.
"I know, Mimi. But we can't give up on our own lives. He wouldn't want us to. We have each other now." Mark told her as he slipped his arm around her shoulder, trying not to pull her long brown hair.
"You mean, you still want me to live here?" she seemed surprised.
"Of course, Mimi. Roger would come back and kick my ass if I ever let anything happen to you. You are my best friends girl and my good friend as well. I would never make you leave. It's you and me Mimi. I will take care of you now. Roger made me promise. But it didn't take much. I love you Mimi. Roger was like a brother to me, which makes you my sister and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." Mark told her squeezing himself next to her on the windowsill.
" I don't know what to do now, Mark. I want to go out and use so badly to numb this pain, but I know Roger wouldn't want me to do that. He sure was relentless when it came to me cleaning up, wasn't he?" Mimi asked beginning to cry again. "What am I going to do without him Mark? I don't know if I know how to live without my Roger. He was my life these last 4 years. He wasn't supposed to go first. I was. He was too strong and healthy to leave me. He always fought for me. Who is going to fight for me now? Will you fight for me Mark?" Mimi asked as she cried into her hands.
"Mimi, I will fight for you. You are my best friends girl. I don't mean it the way it sounds, but you are my only link to Roger now. I miss him, Mimi." Mark told her as he began to lose his composure, but regained control.
"Mark, you have been strong for all of us during all of this. You don't need to be strong anymore. Your best friend is gone. You can cry now. Roger will not be angry with you for crying in front of me. We can be each other's support. He made me strong for a reason Mark. He got me off of the drugs and gave me a life I could be proud of. Got me out of the Cat Scratch Club, for good. He showed me how to stand on my own two feet. I can be there for you too. It is not all on you. I failed Roger as he was dying. I don't want to fail you too in the aftermath." Mimi told him crying more now.
"You did not fail him when he was dying. You were there holding him right up until his last moment. You didn't let him die alone. That is what he was the most afraid of. Dying alone. When April killed herself and left that note, he was convinced he would be alone when he died. But you made sure he didn't. You loved him until the last breath. Don't ever think you failed him in any way, shape or form." Mark told her pulling her close to him to comfort her.
"But I detached from him. I was afraid if I stayed too attached that it would hurt too much. But it hurts like hell anyway. I still love him so much Mark and I don't know how I am going to go on with my life without him. I know I am not going to use again. That would really be a failure to him and what he was all about. Why did he have to go first? Mark I don't know how I am going to survive without him. His touch, his voice, and the way he used to look at me when I primped my hair in the mirror. Oh God Mark, what am I going to do without him? His music was so beautiful. He had so much to offer the world. Why did April have to give him AIDS? I am so angry Mark." Mimi yelled as she broke away from Mark and began to pace around the loft.
"Mimi, honey you can't think that way. Don't ask those questions, now. None of that matters now. Had it not been for April, you two never would have met and you would never have known the light that was Roger Davis. She is who helped make him the man you fell in love with. We can't dwell on what made him die, we need to look at how he improved our lives and used his own to make ours a little bit better. C'mere." Mark told her as he got up and approached her with arms wide open.
"Mark, I am going to lay down. I need to feel close to Roger right now. I'm sorry Mark. I shouldn't have gone off like that. I just need a little time to grieve. I'll be alright. I suggest you do the same thing. Don't bottle everything up inside. You'll become just like him." Mimi told him as she brushed his cheek with her hand.
"Would that be such a bad thing? He was a good man." Mark replied as Mimi began to walk into her and Roger's bedroom.
"Yes he was, but look at what it took to get him out of his shell. I am not going to ask you to light my candle, Cohen." Mimi said cracking a small smile.
"Have a good rest Mimi. I'll be out here if you need anything." Mark told her cracking a smile of his own.
"Thank you Mark. You are a good man you know. You don't need to be like Roger you know. He loved you very much. And so do I." Mimi remarked as she blew him a small kiss and closed the bedroom door. "Where is his guitar?" Mimi thought as she began to scan the bedroom. He didn't play it for the last 2 months of his life. That is what tipped her and Mark off on how serious his condition was in the first place. He hadn't played in nearly a week. All he did was sleep. Sleeping was not unusual for Roger, but to not even look at his guitar in a week, was. Mimi insisted he go to the free clinic to see a doctor. Roger protested. He always did. He hated doctors. Ever since he was a teenager when his grandmother died of cancer and all of the doctors she went to in the last year of her life missed it. But Mimi was very persistent. Roger finally gave in just to stop Mimi from whining. He was diagnosed with Pneumonia. A month and a half later, he was gone. Her faded rock star was gone. All she wanted now was to be close to his guitar. She couldn't play a lick, but he loved that guitar more than he loved her. Which was fine with her, she loved that guitar as well. It helped him find his soul. But where was it now? His parents wanted to sell it. They blamed much of his problems on that guitar. His mother cursed the day she gave in to him. But it made him happy. "Mark!" Mimi screamed out hysterically.
"Mimi. Are you alright? What is it?" Mark asked barging into the bedroom nearly taking the door down. "Where is Roger's guitar? I need Roger's guitar. Where is it Mark? I need it?" Mimi was obsessed. She was looking around frantically. She was throwing clothes all over the place.
"I have it in my room. I wasn't sure whether or not you wanted to look at it right now. I'm sorry, Mimi. I'll get it right now. Hang on." Mark told her as he raced to his room to get his best friends constant companion. Mimi sat on the bed trying to catch her breath. She looked down and spotted one of Roger's rock shirts. Torn and tattered from being worn so much. It was unusual to catch Roger not wearing a rock t-shirt. The last weeks of his life he wore nothing but a pair of pajama pants. He would soak through his shirts and Mimi and Mark were afraid he would catch more of a chill and get sicker, so they didn't make him wear one after a while. She leaned down and picked up the shirt. She put it up to her nose. It still smelled of Roger. She crumbled into a pile of nothing at that moment. She cried more than she had ever cried in the last 2 months. She fell to the floor in the fetal position and just rocked herself. Mark entered the room and fell to his knees. He saw Mimi holding the t-shirt and knew right away what had happened since he left the room 30 seconds earlier.
"I know, Mimi. Let it out. It's OK. I miss him too. It's OK. Just let it go. You'll see. It will get easier. I promise. I am here. I am not going anywhere. I promise. I'll never leave you." Mark told her as he just laid down on the floor next to Mimi and held her. Rocking her in his arms until she finally cried herself to sleep. clutching the rock star's t-shirt. Mark stayed there for much of the night comforting his best friends girl.