I Wish I Could Show You
I sighed as I sat on my bed and looked around. The room was relievly small. It wasn't even a real bedroom. It was part of our sun room.
There was a wooden wardrobe directly behind me working as a wall to the rest of the house with one purple curtain and two white working as a door. Closest to the white curtain was a massage chair with a box in it. Next to the chair was a circle bedside table littered with random treasures of mine.
Next to that was a square bedside table holding my card collection-I have lots if cards. Like Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Gargoyles, Digimon, baseball, and a few other types. There's a big brown sphere that when held to metal the right way would open up into a monster. It was a Bakugan my boyfriend gave me. Next to it were two small boxes, a blue one with a white one stacked ontop. It held bakugan cards and bakugan respectively. Again from my boyfriend. He's really sweet. Underneath the table I keep my Yu-Gi-Oh! manga and American Girl books and a bag holding my friend's stuff. Then I have a dresser I don't use. It has a few lamps on it and a wooden box.
Tucked into the corner I have another, taller, light with plastic fish in it. I can't wait until we move so I can check it out. In front of that is a blue tote holding my art supplies and whatever else I put in there and forgot, but it's covered by stuffed animals that I have stacked on top of a green foot stool seat thing.
Then I have my dressers. There's a shell on one with a picture of a peninsula during sunset on it, and a plastic Winco bag holding a birds nest inside and two stuffed turtles with a home made top hat with red trimming and ribbons and a silver broken pocket watch. The dresser next to it was covered with porcelain dolls. In front of the last dresser is a black rolling backpack burried under aome random clothes. Then the bed I was sitting on, directly on the ground.
The wall closest to the chair held a single picture I had made in Math class of Italy and Germany and the Axis Powers logo. That was the only full wall
The others were windows half way with most of the windows being covered in reflective paper and doodled on. The window sills held little knick knacks, among them a lighter whos flame is too high, a few hair ties, John's red and black nintendo ds light he let me borrow because my pink one broke, a bracelet, three knives,two of which are illegal where I live, my hair brush, a key chain, magnets, a necklace, and a jewelry box. On my bed is a stuffed pikachu, a purple pillow, a rainbow pillow, a stuffed bear from my best friend Rose that I had names Hikaru, and a black and brown dog from my boyfriend he gave me when I turned eighteen.
It hurts thinking about him. I love him so much I see tears form when I think about him. I don't see him as much as I would like, but it's still a big change for me. And I've never been good with changes. And I just want to run up to him and hug him and never let go. And I would be content with that. To show John how much I love him. To let him know my chest squeezes everytime I think about him. To let John know that his blue eyes are beautiful and his black hair magnificent.
*bzzt, bzzt*
I reach into my pocket and my heart does a little flip.
John sent me a text.
'Hey'
'Hi.' Simple enough. Funny how words escape me when he texts.
'How ya doin'?'
I know where this is going. I'm going to have this huge smilw on my face every message he sends and my heart's going to become an acrobat, and as my precious John tries to make a conversion, I'm going to be struggling with words and eventually run out.
It always happeneds. It makes me feel horrible having so much to tell him, but not having anything to say. I know John knows I don't like changes and I'm still easing into this, giving him what I can and wishing I could give him more like he deserves.
I know I must of hurt his feelings a few times when I would kill a conversation or seem uninterested, but that's the trouble with texts.
He can't see that huge Joker smile everytime I read 'John- 1 message' or feel my heart dance. He can't hear the happy gasps, the content sighes, or the giddy giggles.
He knows nothing about it.
Which is why it hurts to love John. But I like a bit of pain. Just like I love John.