Death Eater; Just Another Name for Dumb-Ass
Death eater and stupid pretty much go together, why else would they follow the whims of a Lunatic Megalomaniac like Voldemort? Or believe all that 'Pure Blood' crap? So I am writing an entertaining collection of one shots of why Death Eater is just another name for Dumb-Ass.
Dawlish
Oh we all know Dawlish is stupid and regularly gets stunned or knocked out, but here is my version of what happened when Dawlish is sent to Longbottom Manor after Neville's grand mother Augusta Longbottom. Neville has every right to be proud of his Grandmother.
Lady Augusta Longbottom's P.O.V.
Really, it is very rude to wake an old lady so early in the morning. That fool Dawlish should have known better, I went to Hogwarts with his father after all, and I certainly wasn't a well behaved young lady back then. No, not that way you pervert.. I will have you know that I was a good girl.. I just didn't like Slytherines and I liked pranks.. so yes, I caused a bit of mayhem. His father, Slytherine of course, was on the wrong end of my wand a few times... Madam Pomfrey never was able to get his ears on right. Not that I think Poppy tried too hard after he tried to pat her on the bottom.
Anyway.. it really was his own fault.
One: he is now a low life Death Eater, I heard he took the mark quite willing too. Narcissa is such a wealthy source of information. Still coming to me for advice after all these years. True her mother was my best friend. I detest Death Eaters, and Voldemort.
Two: Trying to force his way through my anti-appirition wards and past my intruder repellent charms? That is an act of agression which I do not appreciate. And he is showing just how stupid he really is, after what happened to my son Frank and dear Alice.. I would never let that happen in a Longbottom home again. As Head of House Longbottom I invoked the family magic steeped within the walls of Longbottom Manor many years ago and now just an incantation I called it forth and set in motion every one of my garden statues.. I have a great number of them.. a 'hobby' of an eccentric old Witch you see.. HA. If I were a crone I would cackle. I got to watch in amusement as Dawlish was surrounded by dozens of muggle gnomes all bearing a weapon of some type.. be it a tiny axe, fishing pole or gardening tools... then there were the dozens of little and large animals from fawns to lions and everything in between. The cupids with very real bows and arrows, the little children statues , my Ladies, and their Knights, the wonderful collection of Stone dragons Neville and my brother Algie brought me for my 70th birthday.. yes there was a frightening array of stone beasties. They approached him steadily, keeping him tightly boxed in and systematically pushing him off my front lawn.
I half hoped that would be it.. I am an older lady after all. The flash of Dawlish's wand and rapid casting of some type of silent blasting charm shattered the neighbourhood peace, bringing my house elves; Kimmi and Darby scurrying from their private quarters.. their huge ears shook and their beautiful big eyes wide with fear but their determined little faces were set.. this was their home too after all.
My Elves had been with me since before my darling Frank was born, had helped me raise him, then Neville. They had been my companions while first Frank then Neville went away to Hogwarts. I had had to forbid them from enacting Elf Justice upon those filth.. Crouch and the Lestranges. Oh I didn't do it because I wanted too.. I would have liked nothing better then let the power of House Longbottom loose on them.. but with Frank and Alice worse then dead, completely incapacitated, my own Husband dead, and poor traumatised Neville to care for... I couldn't risk any retaliation. I had increased my wards and withdrawn to try to mend my own broken heart and put my little grandson back together... those animals had tortured him too but somehow Alice had managed to floo him out before Bellatrix barricaded the house. He tumbled out of my hearth in a bloody heap and I knew. We couldn't get in.. not till it was too late.
Now it would appear that House Longbottom was under attack and I wanted a bit of revenge. It was just a pity they sent just Dawlish.. I'd have loved Bellatrix or one of the Lestrange brothers. Come to think of it.. I think I am insulted.. I'll show them an Old Lady is not an easy target. I know why he is here, my Neville and his friends are causing all kinds of trouble and mayhem at Hogwarts. I am SO proud of him.. he is becoming an incredible young Man. I guess Dawlish is here for me, to use me as leverage against my boy.. well he can think again. I will not go quietly. I quietly order Kimmi and Darby to execute our family escape plan. Then I dress myself magically and head outside to meat Dawlish head on.
He smirks when he sees me, I feel my defensive wards crumble and I am really mad. Tom Riddle was obviously training his minions in The Dark Arts. Whatever spell he had used to break my wards was likely as not illegal. I could smell Dark Magic in the air.. it doesn't smell as nice as Good Magic. Being so old I had long lived and identified with the faint scent of magic. I fold my arms and glare at him, my wand hidden in the sleeve of my robe, it's clip on holster ready to shoot it into my hand with wandless magic. "Your under arrest Madam Longbottom.. you need to come with me quietly and I won't hurt you. I have come as a favour to my father, he would have hated to see you harmed." I glared at him. His father was a pig and wouldn't have given a damn. "I may be old Dawlish, but I am not senile." I maintained my disapproving glare whilst listening carefully for Kimmi's signal, a trill of bird call. Dawlish regained his composure and gave me a insolent smirk. "Just come quietly Madam Longbottom and all will be fine." I laughed and saw the spell forming in his wide open mind, Occulmency was a hidden talent of mine... Poor Frank and Neville could never figure out how I would always know when they had done something bad.
My wand was in my hand and my best shield was in place before the curse even left his lips. In his next breath I had hit him with the Augie Special, a nasty little jinx that not only gave the recipient excruciating abdominal pains, instantaneous diarohea and painful projectile vomiting but caused them to break out in all kinds of painful hives and lesions, sprout copious hair and as the icing on the cake, lifted their voice several
octaves, resulting in an amusing squeak and a random animal noise every third or fourth word. All in all it was a complicated little jinx that my brother and I had worked on for years. Nasty and irreversible, after the first twenty four hours each aliment would take a turn at punishing it's victim for twenty four hours over a period of two weeks. After that.. well it was a rather persistent little bugger of a jinx. It could 'reoccur' at random intervals. For the rest of the recipients life.
With a satisfied nod I turned to smile ant Kimmi and Darby who had appeared beside me, smirking at the writhing heap on our driveway. "Bag all packed Mammy Longbottom. What Mammy want Kimmi and Darby to do with smelly bad man?"
"Just pop- him off to St Mungos.. he'll keep them busy for a while. Tell no one where I am and only come to me if I call you and you are alone. I need to be off, I am betting he'll press his mark very soon.. send for back up. Lock down the manor and hide my dears. You will know if I need you." I stooped and gave each a quick hug. They both hugged me tightly and I felt a tingle of elf magic pass over me. They had 'bugged' me, my little friends would be monitoring me, they would know if my life was endangered. I let them have it, I may have need of them.
I Apparated away, feeling especially pleased with myself. I would need to write to Neville, tell him to keep fighting. I was proud of my son, proud of my grandson. Neville wasn't my Frank, no. He was my Neville. The Longbottom name truly was being kept going with style.