Title: Growing Up
Notes: Shades of Crying in The Dark, I know. It started astherapy, and evolved into this.
Summary: Sometimes it's more than a Peter Pan complex,sometimes growing up really is absolutely terrifying.
"They'regrowing up so fast," Jean Grey Summers whispered to her husband as they stoodin the doorway of one of the student dorms.
KittyPryde shut her eyes closed tight against the bright light of the open door,against Jean's voice, against growing up, and against the tears threatening tospill from eyes.
She used tobelieve, all the lies, all the dreams. Dreams, lies, when had they startedbecoming interchangeable? It was funny how no one noticed the monumentalchange, no one had seen it in her face, in her words. Somehow no one noticedwhen her giggles had turned into bitter, self-deprecating chuckles.
How had shelost so much without realizing it? How had everything slipped just out of hergrasp?
Kitty rolled onto her back and stared at theglow-in-the dark stars, blurred slightly by unshed tears. The stars were fake,plastic lies, like so much else in her life.
She wishedthere was a reason, an event she could point to as the reason for this spiraldownward. It wasn't the start of her senior year, or the prospect of joiningthe X-Men, though those were certainly factors. It wasn't the stupid crush onBobby, or the Summers' marriage. It wasn't Betsey's surprise pregnancy andmiscarriage. Or maybe it was. Maybe it was dealing, coping with all of thosethings that had destroyed innocence, and hope.
She missedhope. She missed whatever it was that kept the cold goose bumps from sweepingdown her arms. She missed the warm, phosphate-smelling hope that wasoccasionally oppressed her, but was never frightening.
Kittypulled up the ratty patchwork comforter around her shoulders, and rolled to herother side and faced the wall. Silent, foreboding, strong, functional,that wall was like so much else at Xavier's.
Did no oneelse need fun and games to protect their hope? Did the Professor's dream reallysuffice for all of them? Was something wrong with her, that 'The Dream' wasn'tenough? That 'The Dream' was only an excuse she made to protect herself fromthe real real world?
Kittyhoped she was projecting. She hoped one of the telepaths at the school heardher, and would come help her. "Please?" she whispered piteously into the dark,"Please?"
It was cold here, in this part of her mind. Shecouldn't summon a memory of sunshine up here. This place held the memories ofdark nights and drafts, of moths and dirt. This was an unpleasant place, notscary, but distinctly unpleasant.
Kitty was interrupted in her mental exploration ofher mind by the opening of a door.
"Kitty?" Mr. Summers whispered, "are you alright?"
"Mr.Summers? What are you doing here?"
"I heardyou whispering 'please'. You sounded like you needed help," Mr. Summersexplained with concern for one of his favorite students.
"I do."Kitty got up and walked into the hallway. She blinked at the yellowy light inthe hallway before sitting down and looking up at her teacher.
Much later Kitty finished explaininghow she felt to Mr. Summers. He uttered a deep sigh, and ran his fingersthrough his hair.
"I don'tknow my own way Kitty. I can't tell you yours," At the dejected expression onhis student, Mr. Summers continued. "Here is what I do know, we all run incircles. You aren't the only one, I promise. We all lose hope, and we alloccasionally get terrifyingly cold. The Professor's dream is too big for anyone person, even him. You just have to find your niche, your piece of 'TheDream.' And Kitty?"
Shelooked up from the invisible design she was drawing on the floor. "Yeah?"
"If youneed time, if you need to know who you are before you can hold up the dreamit's okay. The mansion, this," Scott looked towards the celing and gesturedaround him, "this place is a refuge, it isn't a cage." Kitty cocked her head ather teacher.
"Are yousaying 'you're free to go?'"
"Well…ideallyyou'd finish school. But if you need to go now, your graduation can bepostponed awhile." Kitty nodded.
"Can Ihave tonight? To think about what I need?"
"Ofcourse. Goodnight Kitty."
"Goodnight,"And she truly believed, or at least hoped, it would be.
Notes: Shades of Crying in The Dark, I know. It started astherapy, and evolved into this.
Summary: Sometimes it's more than a Peter Pan complex,sometimes growing up really is absolutely terrifying.
"They'regrowing up so fast," Jean Grey Summers whispered to her husband as they stoodin the doorway of one of the student dorms.
KittyPryde shut her eyes closed tight against the bright light of the open door,against Jean's voice, against growing up, and against the tears threatening tospill from eyes.
She used tobelieve, all the lies, all the dreams. Dreams, lies, when had they startedbecoming interchangeable? It was funny how no one noticed the monumentalchange, no one had seen it in her face, in her words. Somehow no one noticedwhen her giggles had turned into bitter, self-deprecating chuckles.
How had shelost so much without realizing it? How had everything slipped just out of hergrasp?
Kitty rolled onto her back and stared at theglow-in-the dark stars, blurred slightly by unshed tears. The stars were fake,plastic lies, like so much else in her life.
She wishedthere was a reason, an event she could point to as the reason for this spiraldownward. It wasn't the start of her senior year, or the prospect of joiningthe X-Men, though those were certainly factors. It wasn't the stupid crush onBobby, or the Summers' marriage. It wasn't Betsey's surprise pregnancy andmiscarriage. Or maybe it was. Maybe it was dealing, coping with all of thosethings that had destroyed innocence, and hope.
She missedhope. She missed whatever it was that kept the cold goose bumps from sweepingdown her arms. She missed the warm, phosphate-smelling hope that wasoccasionally oppressed her, but was never frightening.
Kittypulled up the ratty patchwork comforter around her shoulders, and rolled to herother side and faced the wall. Silent, foreboding, strong, functional,that wall was like so much else at Xavier's.
Did no oneelse need fun and games to protect their hope? Did the Professor's dream reallysuffice for all of them? Was something wrong with her, that 'The Dream' wasn'tenough? That 'The Dream' was only an excuse she made to protect herself fromthe real real world?
Kittyhoped she was projecting. She hoped one of the telepaths at the school heardher, and would come help her. "Please?" she whispered piteously into the dark,"Please?"
It was cold here, in this part of her mind. Shecouldn't summon a memory of sunshine up here. This place held the memories ofdark nights and drafts, of moths and dirt. This was an unpleasant place, notscary, but distinctly unpleasant.
Kitty was interrupted in her mental exploration ofher mind by the opening of a door.
"Kitty?" Mr. Summers whispered, "are you alright?"
"Mr.Summers? What are you doing here?"
"I heardyou whispering 'please'. You sounded like you needed help," Mr. Summersexplained with concern for one of his favorite students.
"I do."Kitty got up and walked into the hallway. She blinked at the yellowy light inthe hallway before sitting down and looking up at her teacher.
Much later Kitty finished explaininghow she felt to Mr. Summers. He uttered a deep sigh, and ran his fingersthrough his hair.
"I don'tknow my own way Kitty. I can't tell you yours," At the dejected expression onhis student, Mr. Summers continued. "Here is what I do know, we all run incircles. You aren't the only one, I promise. We all lose hope, and we alloccasionally get terrifyingly cold. The Professor's dream is too big for anyone person, even him. You just have to find your niche, your piece of 'TheDream.' And Kitty?"
Shelooked up from the invisible design she was drawing on the floor. "Yeah?"
"If youneed time, if you need to know who you are before you can hold up the dreamit's okay. The mansion, this," Scott looked towards the celing and gesturedaround him, "this place is a refuge, it isn't a cage." Kitty cocked her head ather teacher.
"Are yousaying 'you're free to go?'"
"Well…ideallyyou'd finish school. But if you need to go now, your graduation can bepostponed awhile." Kitty nodded.
"Can Ihave tonight? To think about what I need?"
"Ofcourse. Goodnight Kitty."
"Goodnight,"And she truly believed, or at least hoped, it would be.