This is a Chrisney oneshot for I'll Cover Angel and Collins' birthday, she is a great author and a great person, and so I hope she has a great birthday :)
Disclaimer: I don't own total drama.
Usually, Chris loved his birthday. What was better, after all, than a celebration of him? People showered him with expensive gifts that he didn't need or really even like (with the exception of statues or photos of himself, which he both adored and felt he needed) and often a huge party was thrown in his honour, the guest list absurdly selective and prestigious.
This year, however, Chris had been dreading his birthday. To his horror, he was turning forty; forty, the big four-oh, an age he had never envisioned himself being. Of course, he tried to remind himself, he didn't look forty. In his own (and very egotistic) eyes, he thought he had the body of someone who was closer to twenty than forty. However, the more Chris scrutinised himself in the many mirrors strung up around his mansion, the more he began to see the dreaded signs of ageing. His beloved hair that he spent hours tweaking into shape every morning was slowly transitioning from its original black to a much less youthful grey, and to his horror he was starting to see crow's feet and frown lines appearing on his once beautiful and smooth skin. This led to hours of Chris standing in front of the bathroom mirror every day, pinching and tugging at his skin to inspect it for more wrinkles, muttering to himself childish comments about looking like a grandfather and getting plastic surgery.
Chris's problems about his age were not helped by the fact that he had a girlfriend who was significantly younger than he was. Before he had started to develop wrinkles and grey hair, he could easily pass off for a few years younger than he was, making the age gap between Courtney, his girlfirned, less prominent. Now he was almosy forty, however, he was sure he looked about ten years older than he had over night, and that the paparazzi would have a field day the next time they saw Chris and Courtney together in public. Instead of just dismissing these thoughts and worries or trying not to dwell on them, Chris began to spend every waking hour of the week of his fortieth birthday whining about it to his girlfirned, who was less than amused by his behaviour.
"I'm gonna be old!" Chris whined for what must have been the hundredth time that morning, pouting. "I'll look like my dad!"
Courtney, who had just wanted to read her book, glared at her boyfriend over the top of the pages. She had tried to be a little sympathetic at first, but now Chris's complains were growing too frequent, and it was getting on her nerves.
"Snap out of it!" she told him coldly. "You're acting like a baby about this!"
However, the word baby just made things worse.
"Was it really almost forty years ago that I was a baby?" Chris gasped, looking horror stricken. "Time goes waaaaay too quickly!"
Courtney rolled her eyes, before holding her book up again and trying to ignore Chis. She had little patience for Chris's all-too-frequent tantrums, especially not early in the morning when she was trying to peacefully read her book and drink her tea. Chris, however, refused to be ignored, and grabbed Courtney's arm.
"What if I wake up in the morning, and I'm covered in liver spots?" he whined. "I'll look like an old man!"
When Courtney ignored him, he tugged on her arm childishly to try and get attention.
"Amd on the morning of my birthday, I'll probably wake up with totally grey hair, too!" Chris cried despondently. "You'll have to dye your hair grey in sympathy! I can just imagine the headlines now; Chris McLean, washed up pensioner..."
Courtney threw her book down with a huff of aggravation; clearly, Chris was not going to shut up about this.
"Do you know how stupid you're being?" she snapped, narrowing her eyes. "You aren't going to wake up on you fortieth birthday and suddenly be an old man! It doesn't happen!"
Chris scowled at her. "How would you know? You've never turned forty before!"
Courtney rolled her eyes again at his immature answer. "No, but I do know that people don't suddenly wake up one morning with completely grey hair and wrinkles!" she pulled her arm from his grip, standing up and smoothing out her clothes. "Now, the party is in less than a week away, so I need to hire the caterers..."
Chris shook his head. "There isn't going to be a party!" he wailed. Usually, Chris loved parties, especially ones held in his honour, but now the idea of celebrating a day that marked him living for forty years seemed too horrendous to bear. Courtney froze, whirling around and giving him a look as though he'd suddenly said the sun wasn't going to rise in the morning.
"What do you mean, there isn't going to be a party?" she said shrilly, folding her arms. "You aren't cancelling your birthday party! I've already spent twenty thousand dollars on decorations for it! And I want to meet all those celebrities you've invited! Not to mention the cake, which is my favourite kind..." Courtney shook her head. "No! You can't cancel the party!"
Chris shot her a sulky look.
"I don't care how much you want this party!" he told her, sprawling out onto the couch. " It's my birthday, and I say we aren't having it!" he curled up slightly on the leather seat of the couch, hugging his knees closer to himself in an almost fetal position. "I'm going to be ancient. It won't be long before I die..."
"Oh, for goodness' sake!" Courtney yelled, throwing up her hands in frustration. This was getting beyond annoying now; Chris was just acting pathetic now. "Start acting like a grown man!
"No!" Chris whined. "I'm really sad right now! I need comfort food! Can you just make me some pizza and hot chocolate and get me Mr Teddy?"
He reached for the TV remote, but Courtney snatched it out of his hand. Chris's first instinct when he was upset was to watch TV, demand junk food and expect every one to baby him until he felt better, but Courtney absolutely refused to pamper him, especially when he was being so stubborn and childish about this.
"No!" she told him bluntly, holding the remote above his head. "I am not making you junk food or getting you your stupid Teddy Bear! You are a grown man and you are going to get up off this couch!"
"You can't make me!" Chris objected, and Courtney narrowed her eyes.
"Do you want me to phone my lawyers?" she threatened, pulling her cell phone out her pocket, holding her finger over the button. Chris's scowl deepened, eyebrows knitting together angrily.
"Can't you be a little sympathetic?" he asked her. "I'm in my last years of life! Soon, they'll tell me I'm too old to host total drama, and I'll have to retire, and I won't be able to get into my hot tub, or fit any of my custom made designer suits..."
Courtney groaned, slapping her face into her palm. Chris actually looked close to tears now, and she couldn't believe it; while some people did go through a little bit of a mid life crisis as they started getting older, Chris was really overreacting.
"Should I get a tattoo to make me look younger? Or a piercing?" Chris asked after a moment. "Courtney? Courtney?"
"No!" Courtney snapped, stomping her foot angrily. "You should get up off the couch and stop behaving like a toddler!"
"How can I behave like a toddler when I'm so oooooold?" Chris whined, and Courtney sighed, sitting down beside him.
"Chris, you're just going to be one year older than you were before!" she pointed out dully. "Forty is just a number! You're still going to be the same stupid Chris you always were! You're still going to host total drama, you're still going to be rich and you're still going to have a big birthday party to celebrate! So stop acting so immature about the whole thing!"
Courtney refused to be patient with Chris about this. She was not a patient person, and she absolutely despised it when her boyfriend started sulking as though he was four years old, rather than nearly forty. There was no way that she was going to allow him to throw away all the money he'd already spent on preparations for an extravagant party, just so that he could spend his birthday sulking around and acting gloomy.
"Chris, how much am I going to have to yell at you to get this through your stubborn head?" Courtney grumbled, exasperated. "Forty is NOT old! You are not old! Now get up of the stupid couch and do something productive, like planning your party!" she placed her hands on her hips, glaring down at him. "Which, by the way, you are NOT cancelling!"
Chris didn't move for a few moments, still staring sulkily at the blank TV screen. He still couldn't believe he was so old... The years had gone so quickly, and it seemed just a day ago that he had been young. What he wouldn't give to be thirty, or even thirty five again...
Chris frowned, before a small grin spread across his face. How easy, he considered suddenly, would it be for him to lie about his age? With the kind of money he owned, he could easily have fake documents printed if the press wanted verification...
"I want cupcakes if I'm having a party!" the egotistic man said, sitting up. "And I want them to all have a picture of my face on them, with the words Happy 35th Birthday Chris on them in icing..."
"35th Birthday?" Courtney spluttered, shaking her head at Chris, who was looking at her as though it would be obvious. "But you're turning forty!"
"So?" Chris shrugged, smoothing back his pamered black hair. "The media doesn't have to know that!" Now that he thought about it, the idea of lying about his age seemed so brilliant that he couldn't believe he hadn't considered it before. Courtney, on the other hand, thought it was the most stupid idea she'd ever heard.
"News Flash, Chris!" she snapped. "You can't just lie about your age..."
"I can, and I will," Chris told her matter-of-factly, folding his arms. "I can get a fake birth certificate if I want!"
"You're just being an idiot!" Courtney accused him, and Chris shrugged.
"Whatever! I have a 35th Birthday party to organise..."
Suddenly and rather pathetically, Chris was feeling a little bit better. He could pull off being 35... Couldn't he? After all, he told himself firmly, the wrinkles and grey hairs he saw must have been a mere trick of the light. He was still the handsome Chris McLean, and if he told people that he was 35, then they were going to believe that he was thirty five.
Courtney glared after him, shaking her head. She couldn't believe that her boyfriend was actually considering lying about how old he was, just to appear younger to the media and retain his youthful public image for a few more years. To her, it seemed like the most ridiculous and immature thing in the world... But then, she reminded herself drily, Chris always was immature and ridiculous. And at least if he was planning to do something stupid like lie about his age, then he wasn't going to be sulky any more, right?
Courtney hadn't actually thought what Chris intended to do would work, so she was surprised and pretty annoyed when as the week went on and his birthday drew nearer, the magazines and newspapers began to talk about celebrating "Chris MClean's 35th Birthday!" Naturally, Chris began to wave them in her face every morning.
"See!" he pointed out smugly. "This one said I look younger than thirty five! Now who looks old?"
"Are you kidding?" Courtney snapped. "You were the one who said you looked old in the first place, not me-"
"Why would I say that this handsome face looked old?" Chris laughed, even though it had actualy been him who had been calling himself old in the first place, and not Courtney. "No, it was totally you! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm sitting for a thirty-fifth birthday portrait!"
Courtney glared after him. Sometimes, she really hated Chris. It was just too bad that she loved him at the same time.
Okay, so I know that was pretty lame. The idea sounded good in my head but came out badly lol
Anyway, happy birthday again to I'll Cover Angel and Collins, and Happy Holidays to everyone else :)