I slowly awoke to the happy voice of my nurse. Cheerfully telling me that I have been sent some flowers. I glance up and see twelve red tulips, overwhelming my bedside table. I ignore them. I stare out my window watching the snowfall, wondering if this much snow will trap the nurses in the hospital. I hope not.
"Why are you just lying there?" One of the Tulips asked condescendingly. I decided he was Dan. "You should be doing something, not just lying there like a cabbage." Why should I do anything? I just wanted to stay in the emptiness doing nothing. I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. "Honestly if I was you I wouldn't be in a hospital, but obviously you're not that smart." Dan declared in a snobbish voice. Why was he so judgemental? I haven't done anything to him.
"Leave them alone. Can't you see that they are in pain?" Questioned a second tulip, Benjamin I decided. "But even if they are not in pain they will be soon." I don't know why but Benjamin seems to be obsessed with pain. Thought I'm not in pain right now and I don't think that I will be anytime soon. I wonder why he thinks I will be on pain soon, the nurses usually bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep. "You might think that they won't bring pain but they will, people always bring pain." Stated Benjamin softly, I wonder if he has been brought such pain before, so he now expects it to happen to others.
"If they are going to have pain then why not die so they don't have to feel it?" Suggested Joseph, the third tulip. "Death would be much better than laying there being judged and in pain." There was merit to his words, I strange persuasion in his words and smile. His smile catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks. I could feel the need growing up inside of me. "Death is so sweet full of nothingness and eternal sleep, doesn't that sound nice?" it does sound nice, but would a have my patent leather overnight case? I can't leave without it.
"You do know that telling someone to kill themselves is against the law? And besides who would want to die when there are laws to learn and arguments to be had?" Argued the forth tulip, Zebulun. "Death is just a waste of time, and I'll have you know that time is predacious, especially in when it comes to the law." His words where the water to douses the fire inside of me, cleaning me. The water went over my head. I am a nun now, I have never been so pure. "You should not listen to them, you should just sleep and wait for the nurses." He has a point the nurses are the ones to decide what happens to me. I'll wait.
"Why should they not want death? I would answer the question of what happens after death." Inquired a fifth voice. Issachar I decided based of his philosophical tone. "But then again there are more questions about live than there are about death, I may be better to answer them first." Is that all I am to them? A way to answer their questions? Suddenly I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow. "But I doubt that you can find the answers here in this hospital. You should leave." That did sound good, being free. But how will I get it?
"Have any of you thought to ask them how they feel? It is their body." Asked Simeon voice soft, he is the sixth voice. "None of you probably have. None of you ever listen, and you really should, it is their mind and body so you should listen to them." He seemed nice not as loud as the others. The tulips are too excitable, but not this one, this one seems calm. "You all should all be quiet and listen to them, they probably have something interesting to say." I don't think I do have anything to say, especially not anything interesting. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment.
"Well their struggle is not as bad as mine. I have had it much worse." Declared the seventh tulip voice full of self-pity. I decided his name is Naphtali. "They should be thankful for their easy life, mine was so much harder." His words where heavy on my skin. A dozen red lead sinkers around my neck, choking me, making it hard to breath. "Well I guess that your life is hard but mine was much harder, and full of much more struggle." I could feel sympathy for him, my life is nice here is the hospital. So nice.
"All they have to do is wait and God will help them. God helps all who suffer." Offered the voice of the eighth voice, Levi. "If they pray god will come to them and save them, God is all powerful and can take away you suffering." If that is true then where this is 'God', I used to pray to him but he never responded. Can he offer me peace? The peace fullness so big it dazes you? I don't think so "God doesn't help those that don't believe." Then I will never be helped. I lost faith long ago.
"You should cut them some slack, they have had a very tiring few weeks." Stated Reuben, the ninth voice. "Even though they do nothing but lie there all day." He seemed quite fickle, not sure if he agreed with me or was against me. He seems hostile to me now. The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals. As they are dangerous to me. "But what they chooses to do is entirely up to them, not anyone else." I think I might get whiplash from his mood changes. Why can't he be quiet?
"Well I think that they are doing great. They have hold on for so long." Declared a warm voice. Judah I decided. "They have been trying so hard and they are still trying. I'm so proud of them." His warm words wash over me making me happy like my husband and child smiling out of the family photo, making me smile. "See all they need is a bit of praise to make them happy." I liked him his words so nice. I wish he was the only one.
"Yes all they need is a bit of positivity and there luck will change. Everyone's luck will change for the better eventually." Stated the eleventh tulip. His name Gad. "They should just wait and when their luck changes that should try again. Because all they need is a bit of luck." I liked him too his words happy and calm, nothing like the crazy noise like the others. I have nothing to do with explosions. Not with the other Tulips. "Luck is all they need to change and then they will be happy." I'm glad that they are so go-lucky, they have brightened my day.
"Everyone should be happy, everyone deserves happiness." Sung the last tulip, their name Asher. "Why be sad when that days are so lovey, the world is beautiful." His happiness is contagious I can feel it inside of me making me grin. He concentrate my attention, that was happy. Playing and resting. Bringing joy to me. "You shouldn't listen to the others they can be so negative. And you should be happy, always happy." I was happy, I was having fun, for it is never boring in an asylum.