John was in bed, leaning on his elbow, making a futile attempt to read at least one page of "War and Peace" before he completely passed out. His eyes were straining from the lamp next to his bed, barely making out the words before yawning every other second.
He groaned, then closed the cover on the book. He wanted to sleep, but at the same time, he knew it wouldn't happen. Too much was almost lost today; he shuddered to think of what Elizabeth had been put through.
After he left her on the small tier near her office, he watched her like a hawk from a corner of the control room, until he saw her break slowly for her office, turning off the light and shutting down her computer. He slipped out onto their balcony as she passed, telling Chuck good night, then he reentered the room.
He moved to a computer that wasn't in use, feeling a tad like a stalker as he pulled up Elizabeth's life signs on the screen. The dot made its way into a lift, which deposited her close to her quarters. Once she entered, John shut the lid, bidding Chuck a good night as well before stopping by the mess to pick up a sandwich.
It still lay on his desk, half eaten, as he put the book down on his night stand and turned off the light. He pulled the covers over his chest and tried to shut his eyes, willing sleep to consume him.
After ten minutes of staring at the ceiling, he realized that wasn't happening anytime soon.
And then he heard his earpiece crackle.
He groaned again, reaching for it and placing it in his ear. "Sheppard."
"John?" a small voice barely sounded through.
He sat straight up. "Elizabeth? You okay?" he asked worriedly.
"I'm fine, I just … I still can't sleep."
"Heh. Me neither."
There was awkward silence for a moment, then he resumed the conversation, letting our a nervous chuckle. "Probably not a good idea to visit your quarters at this time of night."
"Or vice versa," she agreed.
"You wanna meet me on the balcony?"
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
"I'll be there in ten."
When she entered the balcony, she saw John sitting on the ground, knees drawn up to his chest, a blanket covering the flat surface. A silver thermos rested upright next to him as his back rested against the wall.
"We can't sleep, and you bring coffee out here?" she asked, a quirky smile appearing on her tired face.
He held it up in defense. "It's decaf," he whined. "Just the way you like it."
"Thanks," she replied, taking a close seat next to him on the blanket. She reached for the other one, still folded, as he poured her a small cup.
"Here ya go."
She finished wrapping the blanket around her slim body and eagerly took the cup from him with her small hands. He held onto them for a moment longer than necessary, then slowly released them.
Taking a small gulp, she sighed, leaning her head back against the wall.
John looked at her sideways. "You wanna talk?" he asked, unsurely and softly.
Elizabeth started to shake her head, but she stopped herself. "It was horrible," she said simply.
He nodded. "It was horrible to watch."
"And it was only five hours … were you there the entire time?"
"Yeah, pretty much. I was the one that found you in your office. I carried you down to the infirmary, then got shut up in iso too when Carson found it was nanites. So I got quarantined two times today," he told her, a slight smirk on his face.
"Ooh. Sorry."
He shrugged next to her. "It was worth it. You're still here, aren't you?"
He turned his face and found his eyes locked with hers. Even in the dim moonlight being shed on the city, he saw the tears starting to well up in her eyes.
"'Lizbeth," she whispered, bringing an arm around her shoulders. "Don't hold it in. Just let it out." With a light kiss on her forehead, he promised, "I'm right here, I'm not goin' anywhere."
That broke the dam that Elizabeth had been holding in, a small deluge of tears falling down her cheeks and onto John's shoulder as she turned her face into his shoulder. She was quietly crying at first, and then as she felt his arms wrap even more tightly around her, she started sobbing.
John knew that words would only fail him at this delicate time, so he just held Elizabeth until the worst of it was over.
When she tried to speak in shuddered gasps, John kissed her forehead. "It's okay, just take it slow. We don't hafta talk about it right now."
"No, we - I need you to know this," she finally managed to get out, her calm composure obviously still a façade.
He nodded. "Okay."
She let out a strained sigh. "The nanites are still in my body, John. If the Replicators knew, or if anyone figured out how to reactivate them, God knows what they would do. When they had me trapped in my own mind, my own body, I - I so wanted to just give up. To go along with it. For a moment, I contemplated killing myself. Just because I knew, I knew, that it wasn't real. I thought it might be the only way to get back to Atlantis." She paused for a long time, figuring out what to say next and watching John for his reaction.
He took it in, then quietly asked, "Why didn't you?"
She shook her head, remembering the disbelief that she felt. "I started seeing things."
"Maybe it's just me, but that'd make me more apt to kill myself," he pretended to seriously consider.
She lightly elbowed him. "I would open doors and see the event horizon. I saw a man in black, he kept calling to me. I could never see his face, too far away, too blurry." She gave him a grateful smile. "I was seeing you."
He smiled for a moment, nodding. "I was standing outside your curtain talking to you. Carson didn't know for sure if you could hear me, but after we figured out that your consciousness was fighting, I thought the best thing I could do was … talk to you. Tell you not to give up."
"You became very clear, at the end of it," Elizabeth reflected, staring out at the moon as it hovered perfectly over the planet. "I could see you clear as day."
"That must've been when I broke the quarantine. Carson thought we were losing you. I - I was desperate, so I went inside. I grabbed your arm. Told you to fight, to run."
"And I did." She glanced back up to him, then began taking notice of their sitting positions. His back still leaning against the wall, supporting her, their legs slightly looped, almost made Elizabeth feel like a school girl, slipping out the back door to meet her boyfriend, driving out to a field, laying in the back of the truck, just talking and watching the stars.
She never had that happen to her when she was young. Now, it was happening on a balcony on a floating city, on another planet, in another galaxy, with one John Sheppard.
She quietly giggled, drawing a glance from John. "What?" he asked, slightly suspicious, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.
"Nothing. It's just … I feel so much better now."
"Glad I could help."
"But there's still something I need to tell you." She sat up straighter, loosening John's secure hold on her. "The nanites could make me a liability if something catastrophic happens, either to me or to the city. Promise me, you'll do everything in your power to honor my wishes?"
"Which are?"
"The nanites are never to be reactivated. Not for any purpose. Even-" she gulped before continuing. "Even if it means my death." She tried to match John's eyes, but they were slightly unsteady now, looking around instead of at her.
She let him be for a moment, then as he continued to avoid her, never answering, she brought him back to reality.
"John."
He ran a hand over his face. "Yeah."
"Can - will you do that? For me?" she pleaded, already reading the answer in his eyes.
He bit his lip. "Even if it means your death?" he repeated.
She nodded firmly. "You can say no, but John, you're - you are my closest friend here. You are my confidant, my partner, and my beneficiary for everything here on Atlantis. You truly are my best friend. And you are one of the most loyal people I have ever met. Even if you don't agree with it, please, abide by my wishes."
"No, I understand. And frankly, I never want to be put in the position of standing there, feeling helpless. That tore me up inside," he admitted, running his thumb gently over her cheek.
She grasped his hand like she was searching for water in a desert. "Promise?"
His unwavering gaze didn't leave hers. "I promise," he softly whispered, trying to pull her back into his arms.
She had another idea.
She moved herself so that she sat in between his legs, his arms intertwined with hers as he held her, giving him opportunity to exhale on her neck, giving her shivers, making her scoot closer to him.
He had no plans of wanting anything more of her tonight. He controlled his body, making sure it didn't respond, especially with Elizabeth sitting so close. She would think him a pervert if he reacted.
He was just holding his other half in his arms, under the moonlight, keeping her safe as she fought the nightmares that were trying to overtake her.
"Thank you," she quietly spoke, eyes focused on their fingers getting lost in each other's hands.
"For what?" he asked, tilting his neck to catch a glimpse of her beautiful face.
"For being there when I needed you the most. I only hope I can make it up to you."
"Hey, you're here with me now. I think we're even."
She nestled her head back into the crook of his neck. "While we're on the subject, any preferences about your death?"
That elicited a laugh, granted, a quiet one. "Umm, if a Wraith is feeding on me and starts growing my hair, kill him. If someone tries to techno babble me to death, give me a gun and we'll have a murder/suicide. Should I continue?"
She giggled. "That's not what I meant, John, and you know it. But I appreciate it."
He made a noise in his throat, then cleared it. "I'm not a bargaining chip," he stated seriously, causing her to pull back a little to make eye contact. "Hostage negotiations? Don't give in. Half the people in this universe are terrorists, and the other half are slowly joining them, having to deal with all their crap. If someone threatens to shoot me unless you surrender Atlantis, yourself, heck, even McKay-" he chuckled, "call their bluff. Just make sure it's quick."
She winced at his words. She could imagine now how John must have felt when she spoke her wishes to him. "So basically, you don't want me to negotiate with terrorists?"
"Yup. Pretty much."
She leaned back into him, shaking her head decidedly. "That will never be an issue. But that's good to know."
They observed the night sky in silence for a few minutes, his fingers lazily pointing to constellations that he was slowly memorizing. She would nod and sometimes, nod off.
"Can you get some sleep?"
She blinked sleepily. She shook her head in the affirmative as she replied, "I'm just not sure I can make it back to my quarters."
"Yeah, me neither. That is why," he proudly told her, "I set the doors to lock after you came out here. There's a couple pillows and another blanket. We can stay here, if you want." He reached over, plumping one of the pillows before settling it behind his back. "I'll wake up and leave early if you want, just to avoid any rumors."
She stared in honest gratitude for his thoughtfulness and kindness. No matter what black mark he may have, John Sheppard was the most caring man she had ever met, and she silently thanked whatever higher powers were at work that he had entered her life. She definitely couldn't imagine living on Atlantis without him; she was finding it equally as hard to imagine life anywhere without him.
Before she could continue to dwell on that train of thought, she yawned again. John changed from a sitting position to laying down on the blanket, a careful arm still stretched around Elizabeth. She adjusted the pillow that John had just handed her, laying her head down while he spooned her from behind. He wasn't trying to take her to his bed, but the contact between them felt so normal, felt so right.
She sighed, releasing some of the pent up emotions she had been trying to restrain. She started feeling another emotion sweep through her, one that she occasionally would wonder about but would never breach. Never gave it serious consideration.
Love.
She loved John.
She loved John because he loved her.
And because of that love, even unspoken, he would do anything for her.
Elizabeth suddenly was overwhelmed with the urge to do everything for him.
Behind her, she felt John slowly start to relax as he started yawning as well. She calmed as well, a smile seemingly fixed to her face.
John kissed her hair. "Get some sleep, 'kay?"
"All right. John?" she asked quickly.
"Hmm?"
"In the morning, don't leave." She paused. "Don't ever leave me," she softly requested of him.
"Never," was his firm reply.
And Elizabeth closed her eyes.