"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow."

-Ecclesiastes 1:18

Horizon

Ashley Williams felt like a child.

Even if the reasons behind that feeling were different, the gunnery chief would have hated the feeling nonetheless. As the eldest of four sisters she was compelled…no, obliged to be an adult, to grow up quickly for the sake of those who came after her. It was a trait that she'd carried into the Alliance as well, being harsh but firm on those below her (which, considering she'd been stationed planetside as a high ranking glorified security guard, was pretty much everyone). But now, right when she wasn't obliged to look out for people, she'd failed spectacularly.

Children didn't have control of their lives. And right now, looking at the stars above and Virmire below, Ashley didn't feel like she was in control either. Had she been in control, she wouldn't have had to be rescued. Had she been in control, Kaiden Alenko would still be alive. And if she'd been in control of herself right now, she might, just might have been able to fool Commander Shepard that everything was fine on her part and any unease was due to having even more aliens aboard an Alliance ship.

"Ash, you're a hopeless liar."

So much for deception.

Turning away from the viewport, Ashley decided to face the facts and get this little pep talk over with-the first one with John Shepard that she actually dreaded. And right now, the facts were that not only did he look tired and irritated, but he seemed to want to take it out on someone as well. And since a certain lieutenant had been reduced to his constituent atoms a few hours ago thanks to someone standing in this room, Ash had an idea as to who the proverbial punching bag would be.

"Ash, you didn't kill Kaiden."

The NCO blinked. "Pardon, sir?"

"I said you didn't kill Kaiden," Shepard repeated, beginning to pace around in a manner that stood in stark contrast to his normal relaxed 'people person' mode that he seemed to fall into whenever he talked casually with members of his squad. "And before you say anything further, keep in mind that I've had enough lies for one day. Saren's lying to himself, the Council's lying to the galaxy and that a sapient machine is one of the few beings who haven't lied to me is making my stomach turn. So do me a favor Ash and be honest."

It was eerie really, just how much Shepard reminded Ashley of herself right now. Like her, he wanted to be in control, wanted to have the facts at his disposal and if people didn't face up to them, then he got…irritated? No, that was an understatement. Betrayed was far more like it. And with the rogue Spectre he was after having betrayed the Citadel, only for the Citadel to essentially betray the turian's replacement, the gunnery chief could imagine how John felt. And given how she felt about the man (wait, what?), Ashley decided to indulge his request.

"It isn't just Kaiden that's bothering me…" the NCO began, her gaze still fixed on the starlight from objects light years away. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I miss him and I feel responsible but…"

"But you'll always feel guilty in the same way that I do," interrupted Shepard. He put a hand over the viewport, leaving Ashley's only options being to either face him or face the interior of the Normandy's cargo bay. "Give me some credit Ash. We discussed this earlier. So either your guilt's become worse, or there's something else. Something's changed. And given how our very lives could change if Saren succeeds, I'd like to nip any other change in the bud before it comes to fruition."

Despite the less than pure imagery that suddenly popped into Ashley's head over nipping something in the bud (that was Sarah for you, learning terms beyond her years and spewing them out) and her general unease, the NCO couldn't help but be impressed. Shepard was a good commander and soldier, true. But despite all their little pep talks, she'd never given him credit for being so perceptive. And while it was a bit late to give that credit now, she could at least give him the courtesy of giving the full truth.

"When we spoke about Kaiden, I told you how he'd at least be with God…" said Ashley slowly, her fingers touching her upper chest where she used to hang a cross when out of uniform. "I mean, I'm not glad he's gone. But at least up until recently, I could take solace in the belief that he'd…he'd…"

"Gone to a better place?"

Ashley glanced at Shepard, expecting him to be fighting back laughter. With a genuinely concerned gaze, it was an expectation that was completely wrong.

"But then I thought about Sovereign, and what he told you," Ashley continued, the words bubbling out faster than a methane geyser on Titan. "And supposing there is a god up there, what then? How could…how could a deity even consider creating something like the Reapers? What's God's plan Shepard? What if…what if everything I've believed is wrong? What if nothing awaits Kaiden and…and…"

Shepard didn't have to complete her sentence, the fear that nothing awaited her either. But for someone who was uttering the most basic fear that every sapient lifeform faced he didn't seem as judgmental as she thought he'd be. Not immediately at least. But as the commander began to pace around, running a hand through hair that wasn't as short as it used to be, he was clearly bothered.

"Bloody hell…" John murmured, averting Ashley's gaze. "Rogue Spectres, genocidal machines, an army of geth and now, to top it off, one of my friends is experiencing a crisis of faith."

It was strange really, how for all his criticism, it was "friend" that the NCO heard most clearly. Not "squadmate," not "gunnery sergeant" but "friend." And with that word, Ash broke the commander's musings and continued with her own.

"Sir, I know it's stupid but-…"

"Yes, it is."

Ashley blinked. If Shepard considered her a friend, that was a blunt reaction.

"Ash, think about it," continued the commander, his tone softening along with his gaze. "You believe in God, or at least some all knowing, all seeing deity of whatever species of gender. And until now, until Sovereign spills the beans, you've believed that without question."

"Well, not exactly without question sir but-…"

"Suddenly, your life changes," continued Shepard. "Suddenly, not only to you lose a friend, but also lose faith. All because of what a machine that's lasted tens of thousands of years said."

The marine simply nodded. "Yes sir. You're right. It is bothering me and-…"

"And it shouldn't."

Ashley blinked."Pardon, skipper?"

"I said it shouldn't," repeated the commander. "Everyone lies Ash. That doesn't change. What does change however, is the reasons behind those lies. I'll admit that I think you're lying to yourself about a deity I don't believe exists. Still, I also believe that you're at least lying to yourself for the right reasons. If believing in God makes you happy Ash, then believe, and don't let some metal squid get to you over it. Isn't that what faith is? To believe in something beyond what you can hear and see?"

Funny thing about control. Even when you lost it in the middle of a conversation, that wasn't always a bad thing. And from someone who'd uneasily cited the Alliance Charter the last time she mentioned her faith, Shepard's direct honesty hit Ashley faster than a mass accelerator round. Only difference was, being hit this time did her the world of good.

"Yeah, you're right…" said the marine slowly, finding the happiness that her supposed lies brought her coming back to her. "Thanks skipper."

Shepard gave her a smile. "Sure thing chief. Just keep praying. For all our sakes."

"Aye aye."

Funny thing about orders too. You could follow them in wording, if not in spirit.

So when Ashley Williams said a small prayer after the commander left, John Shepard was at the forefront of her mind.