Rogue One: Closed Doors, Wounded Hearts
By Laliel
Note: Scene set directly after Rogue One sets off in the stolen shuttle for Scarif. I own Nothing.
-{o}-
As soon as the stars vanished into the lined whorl of lightspeed, the passengers on the stolen shuttle began to carve out their own tiny spaces in which to wait and possibly take what little sleep their nerves might afford them in the hour's worth of travel. The shuttle was slower than Rebel craft to save on fuel as it was equipped to be a standard Imperial cargo carrier and nothing more. It was cramped, in need of an engine tune-up, but convincing as a reroute from Eadu. K-2SO and Bodhi Rook remained at the console, studying the strategic elements of Scarif, their Imperial destination and stronghold that according to Galen Erso contained the original plans of this Death Star weapon.
Piled onto the lower level, some of the men conversed in hushed tones, while Chirrut leaned against the bulwark and meditated. Jiang Wen snored beside him, one arm draped around his ammunitions canister. The man apparently possessed that enviable talent of falling asleep at the drop of a credit, something Jyn had never been able to accomplish. Not since the murder of her mother and the capture of her father, at least. Leaving them to their own devices and thoughts she traversed back onto the upper level of the small Imperial cargo shuttle and tried to settle herself into a comfortable position behind two rather large black containers of odds and ends: flight harnesses, extra canisters of oxygen with facemasks, vacuum sealed ration portions and bottles of water. They were just tall and long enough so that when she lay with her head resting on her brown vest, Bodhi and K-2SO vanished and the space was darker. Darker, but not comforting, it was cold and impersonal and seeped into her mind as she closed her eyes.
-{o}-
"I don't know why I can't come with you." It was not a question, but the simple demand of a woman and the tone and wording took Saw Gerrera by surprise. But of course, Jyn was a woman of sixteen now, not that scrawny little girl with damp braids and tear streaks that he had first beheld in that carved out bunker. It took Jyn by surprise, too. She was used to being given simple things: rations, target practice, a blanket when it was cold, but this touched on a longing that went so deep it wasn't actually connected with Saw. It was that cloying sense of abandonment and being forgotten that was thick in her voice now. "Please, Saw, I can help keep watch…or clean guns or whatever you need. Just don't go." The patchwork man turned back and looked into those sorrowful blue eyes, surrounded by a face too young to carry such a careworn expression. He reached into his pack and pulled out a blaster. "Alright…this is for you. Take good care of it and it will take good care of you. Now get your bag."
Jyn's face lit up and she made a quick dash back through the doorway of the worn hovel Saw had given her to live in. "Just a minute, let me get some rations and my wrap!" Saw watched as she skipped back past the opening towards the kitchen, that ancient gray scarf he had given her on one of her namesake days wrapped in a tangle around her neck. Jyn had just stuffed a handful of the little pods into her bag when the door slid shut. She whirled around and could just make out Saw's face through the tiny square of plasti-glass, now scuffed and dirty from age. The look in that man's eyes would haunt her for years to come, one long, last gaze. It felt as if the world had slammed on its brakes and left her still spinning and apart from when her mother had died and she had been in hiding that day, she hadn't felt such pain in her chest before. She dropped everything and jammed her hand against the sensor for the door. Nothing happened. She aimed her blaster at it and fired. Still nothing. Saw had locked it from the outside somehow and she was trapped. Or rather, she was abandoned. She watched in helplessness as the rest of his band carried out the remains of their property from the other buildings and evacuated on the ships. One by one they rose up and vanished, until Saw's was the only one left. She banged her little fists against the duracrete and metal, scraping her fingers raw. He was the last man on the ground. "Saw, please don't leave me! I have no-one, please!" The man did not turn around.
"Please."
Jyn whispered it into the nothingness that surrounded her, into the poverty and empty hole of her life and the pain in her heart. For the next four hours she sat on her bed, knees drawn against her chest and her cheek balanced on her folded forearms, staring at the cracking wall across the room. Did Saw mean for her to die here? And then, just as all hope was fading, her door gave a brief click-hiss and snapped open. He had rigged it ahead of time so she would be released after all was over. It was a two-day journey to the nearest settlement by foot, she would need certain provisions. She had only just finished packing when a knock at the door opening nearly sent her flying for her blaster. "Whoa there, little missy. I was paid to come pick up a little mite and transport her to Montressor Waystation." A gruff looking man with a three-week bit of beard grizzle was peering into the gloom of her tiny space. "The name's Monty. I reckon you must be her?" Jyn wanted to feel grateful to Saw, but the feeling of betrayal overwhelmed that. "Sure…whatever you say, old-timer. All I know is I won't be coming back." She hefted her bag over a shoulder and walked out without glancing back at what had once been her home.
-{o}-
Jyn started out of her memory with a lunge and elbowed Cassian Andor in the ribcage for his troubles. He had just placed a hand on her shoulder and his mouth was still open, mid-word. Which now came out as an "Ow." Jyn immediately pulled her arms in closer to her sides. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea-" He reached out his hand and placed a warm finger over her lips. "Shhhh, it is nothing. I have been hurt far worse by K-2SO in his clumsiness." Jyn felt a flush begin to creep up her neck. Now that they were no longer at odds with one another, now that she felt a trustworthiness in him their earlier relationship lacked, Jyn had begun to notice little changes in their interactions. How he had entered into her personal space back on Yavin 4 and spoken, ever so gently, "Welcome home." It had felt natural having him right there, perhaps two steps closer than she was ever accustomed to anyone being.
He moved his hand away and crouched down beside her. Their ensuing conversation was in hushed tones so as not to disturb Bodhi. "I just wanted to say that I…" He looked away for a moment, then locked that intense brown-flecked gaze onto her. "I am sorry we could not take your father's body back to Yavin 4 for burial. He deserved that much." Jyn blinked in surprise. Although it might take a lot to convince Cassian Andor of someone else's true nature, once he believed in it he was a truly kindhearted person. "Thank you, Cassian. No-one other than Bodhi has said such a caring thing. Most see my father as a turncoat." She placed a hand on his arm, a gentle touch but one that seemed to have a stirring effect on the young man, for his breathing increased for a moment. For he was still young, albeit crinkled around the eyes from having lived the Rebel life since six and his reactions and emotions were of one who had spent too much time losing all and gaining nothing. To collect himself he addressed something he had noticed when he came to speak to her. "You do not sleep well?" The reminder of sleep caused Jyn to glance at her chronometer. Only ten minutes had passed since their takeoff, only eight since she had fallen asleep. She shook her head at him sadly as he pressed forward with his thought. "It is just, well, I noticed before when you were first traveling with me that you were restless. And again, just now, you said 'please' while asleep."
Jyn sighed as she answered him. "Sometimes life's demons haunt us where we can least defend against it. For me, that is when I am asleep and I am reminded of how vulnerable I really am. I cannot escape my past in my dreams." Cassian would not look her in the eyes now; instead he studied the scuff-marks on the containers behind her. "I know about that, all too well." Jyn studied his face again; it looked so weary from his life of cares, just as hers did. She couldn't recall seeing him sleep during their time together and concluded that he must also be exhausted. "Well, all I know is that despite what haunt's my dreams I still need to let my body rest. You do too, Captain, or you will be of little help on Scarif and I will have to lug you over my shoulder the whole way." She purposefully spoke in a slightly bossy, lofty way and was pleased when he cracked a small smile. Rather than heading back down to rest with him men, Cassian gave her a start when he pulled his outer vest off, just as she had done, rolled it up and settled next to her. They were so close she could feel his warmth, his heart beating at her shoulder level, low and steady, and each breath he took. It reminded Jyn of something long forgotten now, of waking at night and hearing her father's soft breathing in the darkened alcove across from her own…and her mother's gentle hiccup-type snore. It had always signified that she was not alone in the dark. In less than thirty seconds she had drifted off, this time into a dreamless sleep.
For Cassian, though, glancing down at the tangle of brown bangs framing her slightly smudged face, sleep seemed elusive. What was he doing, spending such intimate time with this woman, watching her lips part as she slipped into a deeper realm of rest. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and forced them shut, forced him to stop seeing her.
-{o}-
Gravel and sand sprayed in every direction as the Rebels fled, their boots kicking up huge amounts of it as they climbed over the mining fields. Cassian gave one more glance behind to see that Tamsen and Lhani were still following. Blaster fire lit up the ground just behind them as dozens of stormtroopers followed in pursuit. Tamsen put in an extra burst of energy and sped past him into the comparative safety of the exit tunnel. It was the only way in and out of the underground mining cavern for what had been a party of eight and was now down to three. But they had the information they were looking for, that Kyber crystals were being mined or stolen by the Empire across the galaxy for some top-secret project. The immense durasteele grate in the middle of the tunnel had not yet been activated by those pursuing their shrinking band and Tamsen made the leap through the opening first and dashed up and out of the tunnel. He was the first Rhodian to join the Rebellion and was a whiz with trade languages, a useful skill for finding information from the bands of broken miners they had whispered to. Cassian came barreling through next, with Lhani on his heels. Blaster fire suddenly began to ricochet all around as a heavy barrage was laid and in the midst of that Cassian heard Lhani's cry and the sound of metal slamming down right behind him.
He whirled around and saw that she was trapped on the other side of the grate, her left arm grazed and bleeding quite profusely. Her abandoned blaster lay on the ground at her feet, a burning hole ripped through its center. Cassian knew exactly how these doors worked from having been in others mines and simply blasting a panel would not get them to open: the troopers had cut the counterweight to the grate and it could not now be pried up, except by four or more men. The durasteele was doing its job all too well. Yet that desperate part of his mind that wanted to save his friend urged him to at least try. So he did, shooting the controls to little effect. "Cassian, stop! It is no use." They could both hear the crashing boots coming closer and he looked around wildly for anything that could be of help. "If we had more time, I could just…" She passed her blood soaked hand through the grate. "No. There is no more time. Cassian, please give me your blaster, they must not know why we were here."
Their eyes locked, brown against azure and he could see the desperation and determination behind hers. "Please." He fumbled briefly with his weapon before passing it into her palm. She tried to draw it through but found the grate bars too small. "No!" She tried again, but nothing would change what reality had dictated. She shoved it back at him. "You will have to shoot me, Cassian. Don't let them take me alive." He froze. It felt as though every moment stretched into eternity and he could not breathe in that space, the pressure crashing on his chest was so immense. They had been friends for long, since they were both ten, and to him being a Rebel meant having Lhani beside him as his "wingman".
"I won't! No, we will find a way!" She gripped his sleeve with slippery fingers, leaving a smear of red prints; her face pressed through a small square was filled with desperation. "There is no other way, my friend, you must do this for me. Please." She took a deep breath and latched onto the barrel, pointing it directly at her heart through one hole in the grate. "When I say three, shoot." He shook his head numbly, tears boiling up and spilling down his cheeks. He could see the outline of the white armor down the smoky tunnel; hear their chatter about taking a Rebel alive. "Look at me, Cassian." He did so through bleary eyes. "This is not the end, for the Force is with us…now. One." He felt the press of the grip in his hand, so tight that the grid pattern depressed on his skin. "Two." He tightened his finger slowly. "Three." The green bolt flew from the muzzle, through the grating and straight into her heart. He was so close he could see the spark of soul in her eyes dim and then vanish, like a fire being extinguished by an ocean. And what was kind and innocent in Cassian Andor died with her.
Or so he thought.
-{o}-
Cassian awoke from his memory with a jolt of fresh grief, for even though that evil day was five years ago it always felt like two seconds in the past. It was so raw that for a moment he was not even aware of the fingers tracing the path of his very real tears on his cheeks. It belonged to Jyn, whom he had rousted out of a sound sleep with his body tension and movement. The sensation of her touch on his skin was so vivid; it helped him grapple with his emotions and contain them so that the present moment overcame the past once more. When he was once more fully back in mind and body she spoke so softly that he nearly missed it. "You have a good heart, Cassian, I am sorry I did not see it at first. The Empire has taken so much from us, our childhoods, families, hope…but I will not regret the turns my life has taken that has led me to this moment in time. Nor should you. For it led me to you, somehow."
Cassian marveled at this newfound understanding they shared and her assessment of who he was. Did he still have a good heart after killing friends and foe alike? Could he? Maybe he had finally found someone who understood on a deeper level who he could be for the Rebellion, not a murderer but someone pushed nearly to the end of their limitations. "You sound almost like a Rebel, Jyn Erso. Have you decided what you are?" In a sudden maneuver Jyn rolled onto her side and propped herself half on the hard flooring of the shuttle, and half on Cassian's warm chest and arm. If he was startled by her boldness he masked it well. She could see the depths of warmth in his brown eyes. "Yes…", she breathed gently at him, her breath stirring his dark strands of hair on his neck and making them prickle against his skin, "I am Rogue One." Cassian didn't even have to consider other options; he immediately brought one strong arm around her waist and drew her up against his shirt and closer than either had been to another human in many years. Jyn could feel the entire impact of his heart beating now and rose and fell with each breath he took, almost as if they were one. Their faces were so close in this dark and intimate space, the tip of her nose barely brushed against his cheek -.
"Coming out of hyperspace now, we've arrived at Scarif." K-2SO's metallic voice broke through their private moment, yanking them away from the possibilities that two different people with an actual future might have explored. Cassian released her, albeit reluctantly, his fingers descending ever so slowly from her waist to the cold floor. Jyn likewise slid away, not daring to look into his eyes again. She peered around the container to see that K-2SO and Bodhi were still oblivious to what had transpired behind them. Jyn seldom felt her emotions in a snarl anymore, she couldn't afford to, but in this moment they definitely were. She began to tug on her vest, each pull and adjustment revealing how frustrated she felt by all the sharp turns her life had taken in a mere few days. How had this man had gone from a complete stranger to capturing that hard, stubborn corner of her heart? She gave another immense pull but his hands stopped her. He gradually slid the worn brown material up onto her shoulders and smoothed the collar by her neck, his fingers brushing her skin and then she felt a stir of his breath at her hairline in a reversal of her own earlier actions.
"To be continued…if the Force allows." It was so quiet, just a whisper for her alone and the gentlest touch of his lips in that tender spot by her ear and then he was up and heading back down to talk to the men below. Cassian Andor had come to mean so much more to her than she ever thought her wounded heart would allow and despite the oncoming danger, Jyn Erso knew that whatever the outcome of today, she would not be left to face it alone, abandoned as her sixteen year old self had been. And as he descended the rungs of the ladder, Cassian, too, realized that no matter the consequences, he would not leave Jyn Erso to fight her own battle or face her own death as he had done to another, five years earlier. Acting individually they were incomplete, working assignments to bits and pieces of an end, but together they could open any door of possibilities, save the dream, end the Empire.